Author's Note: Yeah, here's a little extra that I whipped up for no apparent reason. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I still don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Character Profiles

Here are the profiles for the characters as they are in My Vision of Escaflowne, since their personalities have changed quite a bit (and some not at all).

Hitomi Kanzaki: Hitomi is a girl who hates stupidity. When she sees it, she just wants to smack it back into shape. Which she does frequently with Van and Allen, seeing as they are physical manifestations of moronity and idioticness. And I know those aren't words. They're ones I created especially for those two goons. She is also quite skilled at fortune telling, using her magical deck of Tarot Cards to predict the future. Too bad these cards have a rather annoying side-effect – getting whisked away into frequent and bloody visions of death and suffering. She now needs bouts of counseling coupled with powerful anti-depressants just to get through the day. Having had so many visions, Hitomi has begun categorizing them on the level of their severity, as it helps her cope somewhat. She holds grudges against both Merle and Millerna, not only because they've tried to kill her numerous times, but just because they're two mean bitches. She has confusing conflicting feelings toward Van, at times not sure whether she wants to kill or kiss him. At least she's sure about Allen – she just wants to kick him in the naaaads.

Van Fanel: Van is a wimp, plain and simple. The poor boy can't even face an opponent and keep his pants dry, due to his extremely weak bladder and complete lack of courage. At times he tries to prove himself a true hero, but only manages to keep up the faux until the enemy is either gone or killed off by someone else (preferably the latter). Van has an extreme hatred for Merle and will do anything to get away from her, a fact she both knows and resents. He also has a strange attachment to Hitomi, which causes him to hit on her at the most inappropriate times and so incur her wrath. Van also has no skill with either the blade or bows and arrows, as he always either ends up stabbing himself or shooting something that was not the intended target (usually an unsuspecting bystander). He has parental issues since he was abandoned as a child, and Balgus with his 20-foot long sword didn't really help any. From his mother's side comes his Atlantean powers of growin' wings whenever he feels like it, and they're very purty, too. Van hates his brother with a burning passion, going into killing mode whenever so much as his name is mentioned. He also has a rocky relationship with the Escaflowne, fighting with it more often then working together. This, of course, leads to more bumps and bruises for him and more laughs from the melef. Van has to constantly bump heads with Allen both for the spotlight and Hitomi's attention. He's also scared bleep-less by Dilandau, who'd love nothing more than to set him on fire.

Allen Schezar: Allen loves boobies. 'nuff said. Nah, nah, just kidding. Allen Schezar is a Knight of Kaeli who was only accepted because Princess Marlene, his luv-aaaah, pulled a few strings and blackmailed several officers into letting him join. He's also a girl-hungry man-whore who loves to flirt and do other unmentionables with the ladies. He's even Marlene's baby-daddy! At first he has feelings for Princess Millerna, but he quickly gets over this once he sees how freakin' nuts she is, and so diverts all his attention and horniness towards Hitomi, which she does not particularly appreciate. This leads to much pain on Allen's part and lots of bruised balls. He considers himself Van's 'friendly rival' and so always tries to make it a point to show up the young King, rubbing things in his face and generally making him feel like a loser. Allen's one true love is his hair, which he always keeps in top condition, shiny and lovely. He hates his mother, hates his dad even more, and lost his little sis when he let go of her hand at the bus-stop. Allen has a habit of calling his Guymelef Shcherazade "Sherry" for short, which is demeaning and also a liiiittle gay. He also takes it out for new paint jobs and to get its nails done. Wait…is that even possible? Oh, hell, who cares, just read on.

Princess Millerna: Millerna is a ditzy Princess of Austuria who bullies the others into taking her along and making them put up with her ground-breaking stupidity. She loves Allen with a passion (to which he doesn't know whether to be flattered or horrified) and will do almost anything for him, including killing off the competition (such as Hitomi) whenever the chance arises, or even if there's no chance at all. She is able to put her good looks to use, however, by stripping and singing slutty songs long enough for the prey to be distracted ('prey' as in both good and bad guys alike). She loves butting into conversations and trying to pull attention onto herself, but usually ends up getting ignored. She is famous in Austuria for her horrendous doctoring habits, having tried curing several unwilling patients and instead killing them in rather violent ways. Because of this, the use of her medical practices are saved for the last possible choice, or if Allen is in some way involved. Millerna is somewhat confused when Dryden shows up, as he is a rich, handsome man who shows much interest in her despite her astonishing amount of stupidity and selfishness (or perhaps because of them). It is yet to be seen whether she will leave her love, Allen, to be with Dryden. Better cross those fingers, Allen. And hope to GOD.

Dryden: Dryden is the rich merchant's son who butts his way in between Millerna and Allen's love affair, trying to steal the ditzy Princess away (not that Allen really minded). He's one of the few people in the show with actual common sense, and knows how to use it. He loathes Allen with a vengeance and makes no effort at all to hide it, always making jibes and jeers at Allen's womanly ways and hair. Wow, I like this guy already! His money helps the crew out a few times, for which they are most thankful. Now if he'd only just realize what a nut Millerna is…

The Escaflowne: The Escaflowne is a dick. Plain and simple. When he's not arguing with Van (while he's trying to pilot it), he's laughing at everyone's suffering or hurling insults at those around him. He's a very disgruntled and ancient Ispano Guymelef who needs some serious help. He and Van rarely (never) get along, making battles involving him rather hard (downright impossible) for the young King. He's also quite a homophobe, dubbing anything he doesn't like (or understand) as 'gaaaaaay…' and not liking anything in the least bit feminine to be on his person at any time. His insides reek of urine, and you can guess whose fault that is (smacks Van). Maybe that's why he's so bitter…. Anyway, he'll tolerate Hitomi to a point, but Van not at all. It is unknown whether anyone other than Van and Hitomi can hear him and his rude slurs. Let's hope they can't.

Merle: Merle is one mean little kitty who hates Hitomi with the intensity of a hundred thousand suns. For one, the psychic girl dropped outta nowhere and barged between Merle and Van's love-live (even though there wasn't really one, no matter what Merle thinks). Second, Hitomi's actually useful with her psychic powers while all Merle has is her pissyness and sharp nails and teeth. And thirdly…well, there is no thirdly, Merle just hates the skank. She stole Van from her, does she need another reason? Merle is Van's childhood friend, having grown up with him in the windmill backwater town of Fanelia and annoying him all his life. How sweet. Now she constantly quarrels over him with Hitomi, yelling at everyone and anyone else who gets in the way. All in all, Merle is selfish, rude, nasty, pissy, and just plain mean. Stay far, far away from her at all costs, and even farther away from Van.

Folken: Folken is a man at his wits end. Working for a senile old fool erodes at his sanity like rust on metal. It also doesn't help that he's the only person in the entire Zaibach army with even the slightest trace of intelligence, besides Dilandau, who's an ass, and Nariya and Eriya, his two ho's. Folken has a dark, gothic side to him that others just don't understand and don't necessarily want to. He has a fetish for long, dark clothes and anything vampiric, which causes others to view him as weird and a 'vampire-wannabe'. He also likes fast-food, especially pizza, and loves to insult his little brother whenever given the chance. Despite Van's great hatred toward him, Folken is still open and loving to his brother, and wants nothing more than to take him over to the dark side, brainwash the little bastard into oblivion, and make him slaughter the good guys in the name of Zaibach. Is that really too much to ask for? Despite what he says on various occasions, Folken enjoys the Nintendo DS as much and even more so than his boss, sometimes stealing the contraption away from him to play with it himself. It is shown he is a much better gamer than Dorny, since he easily smashed his high-score in several games. He's a powerful asset for whichever side he's on, and good thing, too, because he's quite the flip-flopper.

Nariya and Eriya: Two hot cat-girl twins that Folken rescued when they were children and grew up to be…well, hot. They love Folken dearly and will do anything for him, including killing Van, which Folken thinks is quite the turn-on. They have a liking for getting their hair and nails done, as well as mice and catnip. Hey, what? They're cats! What did you expect? They're also very lucky, winning lotteries for Folken and giving him all the cash. They can be quite silly at times.

Dornkirk: Dornkirk is one quirky old man. He has a deep love for Nintendo, as he owned a Gameboy in his younger days, then began upgrading with the trends, from the old clunky silver one, to the pocket, color, advance, SP, and then the Nintendo DS, which he now owns and loves the crap out of. He likes Mario, Zelda, and Nintendogs, adopting a chocolate lab that he dubbed "Sexual Chocolate". Dornkirk, since he is quite aged, sometimes shows symptoms of Alzheimer's, as he frequently forgets what he was talking about and starts rambling on about something totally different. That and he craps his pants a lot. Even in his old age, Dorny has a love for the ladies that just won't die out (no matter how much everyone wants it to), and he even uses his Destiny Prognosti-do-hickey (he calls it that, since he can't pronounce the name of his own contraption) to spy on them. After hearing of a girl from the Messed-up Moon with hot legs, Dornkirk has been rather excited to meet the lady and see if the rumors are true. Run, Hitomi! Run!

Dilandau: Dilandau is an even bigger dick than the Escaflowne. The only difference is his fetish for fire, and he doesn't smell like urine. Only of rotting soul. Seriously, he has no conscience whatsoever and will do anything he wants, whenever he wants, no matter the situation. If he feels like shaving a poodle and then lighting it up with firecrackers, he'll damn well do it with no hesitation. Dilandau does have one thing going for him – his looks. He's one pretty pyromaniac. He's got some smarts but doesn't know how to use them, instead opting for the 'torch everything' method. His past is questionable, and his mental health even more so. He has a burning hatred for Van, who scarred his face (by accident) and so lives to disembowel the Fanelian King and generally make his life miserable. He's very anal about his hair and beauty products, needing specific brands or he throws a fit. He and Folken also can't stand one another, making working together for them impossible. Good thing he's got his bitches, I mean, the Dragonslayers for company.

Jajuka: Jajuka is Dilly's loyal (and adorable) doggy servant. Sure he only shows up in the last few episodes, but he's so sweet and attentive to Dilandau it's heart-warming! Once you look past his tendency to piddle on carpets and chew your shoes, you can really get to like the little fella! Plus he's got hair that's even nicer than Allen's, I swear. He must have really good Dog-Groomers.

The Dragonslayers: They are Dilandau's loyal slaves and minions. And they're all dead. Boo-hoo. They (or at least the ones with names) consist of Gatti, the suck-up, Chesta, the wimp, Dallet, the vain one, Miguel, the one who got away, Guimel, the sheep-headed one, and Viole, the dude you only see once in that one episode in the beginning. All the others are nameless and faceless and just as dead. They were good while it lasted.

Gaddess: First and foremost, Gaddess is a horrible, horrible driver. It is said that he is even worse than Lyndsay Lohan, and every time he volunteers to take the wheel it strikes fear in everyone's heart. Due to this he is banned from ever touching the helm and will be stopped by force if necessary. Gaddess also harbors a deep resentment and burning hatred for the rest of the crew, causing him to have severe mental and emotional breakdowns, which he manages to hold in until he gets to his room. There he cries himself to sleep and eats fig-newtons until he feels better. Gaddess is also the one crewmember with the most common sense, always sticking to the script and desperately trying to move the story along so it'll be over faster. He's been with Allen the longest of all the crew, and so is able to understand him the most and know what to do in certain situations, which mostly involves yelling and hitting. He is still a loyal and steadfast second-in-command, even acting as the Captain when Allen is being especially stupid, though he'll never let him find out about it. He's also a closet psycho, habitually thinking up plans of mass-genocide which he doesn't have the nerve to carry out, but perhaps one day will.

Reeden: Reeden has a huge man-crush on Gaddess. He not only thinks he would make a much better Captain than Allen (obviously), but also writes about his feelings for him in his journal, which was mistakenly taken by Dryden and read aloud to the crew. Now everyone except Gaddess knows and snickers behind their hands. Reeden is also the shows labeled Bearer of Bad News. He's always the one to come hurtling in through the door, screaming of an enemy attack or shortage of bathroom tissue. This causes some people to treat him with superstition, and sometimes violence since Allen has apparently never heard of the phrase, "don't kill the messenger".

Other Crewmembers of the Crusade: Other crewmembers of the Crusade include Kio: the big, bearded one, Pyle: the fat, ugly one, and Oruto: the bald one. There are several others that appear at times but I forgot their names so, hey, they're not important. The only thing common among all the crewmembers is their immense hatred for their captain.

Princess Eriya: Millerna's much smarterer sister who for some reason always wears a veil, funny ear-jewelry, and a hobble-skirt. She frequently falls over and can't get up. And she hates her stupid little sister, too.

Balgus: Balgus is an old-time friend of Van's papa, and a tough, grizzled warrior. He's a giant of a man with vivid facial scars and a 20-foot long sword, plus his shlong is frickin' huge. He taught (or at least tried to) Van how to fight since childhood, but it didn't really help Van any. He got killed in one of the first episodes, which is total bull crap.

Goal and Varie: Van's momma and poppa. Goal's got a funny moustache and is as stupid as his son, while Varie's a beautiful Atlantean who gave into fate and married the moustached-moron. They're both dead, of course.

The Duchy of Freid: A strict man who instantly reminds everyone of a certain war-like Mongolian, Genghis Kahn. This irritates him to no end, plus he knows Chid's not his own kid, which you'd think would be a relief. He truly loved Marlene (aww) and gets horribly shot to death in a bloody battle with Zaibach (eww).

Prince Chid: An annoying little brat that was spawned from the demented seed of Allen's loins. His ma is the late Princess Marlene, making Millerna his crazy aunt. He's a bit of a crybaby and a little spoiled, but he means well.

Borus: Chid's caretaker. He's big and got a beard. Borus coo. We like Borus. Oh, and he's a horrible singer. Plus he's dead. Sniffle.

Selena: Allen's long-lost sister who he finds he is strangely attracted to. Eugh! She ran away from home as a child and disappeared for many years before poppin' back up and surprising everyone. And it turns out she's also Dilandau, which is just plain disturbing. And no, I'd rather not know how she changes from female to male and back again. I don't need any more nightmares.

William Du-Fancy-Pants: A young Sorcerer who randomly appears for comic relief. He's in a relationship with a lovely young woman, and they're even expecting a baby soon! Whoo! Oh, wait, they're not even married, are they? Boo! Go get hitched!

(I didn't forget anyone, did I? Sure hope not. Sorry if I did.)

Escaflowne Extra: How I Did It

This is just a little extra tellin' you all how I wrote these fics. You may not realize, but a lot of hard work and time goes into them. And sanity, don't forget sanity. There's a good reason it takes two or more weeks to dole a new chapter out! And here it is!

First of all, before I even began my project, I needed to get my hands on all the Escaflowne episodes for reference. Gotta know what I'm makin' fun of, right? Luckily I had been able to purchase the boxed series (special edition, on three discs) from Ebay about a year before, so that was taken care of. Then all I needed was something to watch them on, some paper, and a pencil. Here's what I did…

For the first few episodes/chapters, all I would do was watch the whole Escaflowne episode through, then try and remember what happened as I rewrote it into a fun-filled fic. This didn't last long, because I felt it wasn't good or funny enough. So I began paying more attention to everything, and taking my time watching the episode. By the fifth episode, I had my method down. I'd watch the episode, pausing about every five seconds and quickly writing things down, like what people had just said or done, only funnied and changed up a bit. I also took notes on the environment, characters, etc, so I could remember almost everything on the episode for when I would write the corresponding fic. You can image how long this would take. You can't? Okay, I'll tell you: One episode of Escaflowne, minus the opening and ending, is always about 20 minutes long. It took me at least three hours to get through all of those twenty minutes, as, if you remember, I was pausing every few seconds to write stuff down. This can lead to much hand-cramping and headaches, so I'd try to do the episode in five-minute chunks, then take a break for an hour before doing another. I normally devoted a whole day to this first process, writing down everything in a notebook to be used for when I write the actual fic. I had to choose my day wisely, make sure I wouldn't be doing much or had nothing to worry about on them, so I could focus solely on making the episode funny.

When I was done watching the episode and writing down everything that had happened, then I would move on to writing the episode chapter. At first, they averaged below ten pages, but as I began watching the episodes more carefully, they lengthened quite a bit. That last episode, number 26, was (ironically) 26 pages long on my Microsoft Word, and a lot of the others chapters are just as long. I would take the notebook with my notes and type down what happened and was said, but tried to funny it up even more, which lead to the resulting chapters everyone's read. I tried to write five pages a day, but even that's pushing it since I'm in the middle of college and have lots of homework and crap to do. So, all in all, you can see how it takes me two weeks to make one chapter, it's a whole lot of work! I had no idea what I was getting myself into! No wonder it took me two (or three?) years to finish! And guess what? My next project is going to be all the Blood + episodes, totally messed with and funnied up like my Escaflowne ones. I must be crazy, there are 52 of those suckers, twice as much as what I just did. However, I've resolved to not go so far as with my Escaflowne (writing down exactly what someone said, what happened), but just try and get the gist of things and try to keep the chapters under ten pages at the most. I really don't think I'll stay sane if I have to write 25 pages each for 52 episodes! Gaaaah! Thinking about it makes my brain hurt! Well, thanks for reading, and maybe this'll give others ideas for messing with other anime series that they enjoy! I sure hope so! If it does, be committed, and don't give up! Also, make sure you have fun doing it! Thanks again! Bye!

-Dilly-Oh

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.