Moreen Cafell: Hewwo! I was musing about what parody I should do after SotR…Maybe…the Sisterhood of Suzaku? I'll bet that would make Nuriko happy:)

Sakura Shinguji-Albatou sensei: You like the slipper socks! ((claps happily)). You know, you really don't have to keep reading this fic. It's inane, and it's only getting dumber. ((grins weakly)) I'm writing it now as a favor to my eight-year-old brother, who adores this fic almost as much as he does me.

Nota Lone: ((cartwheels across the screen)) HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, SUUUU! YOU'RE FOURTEEN NOW, NYAAA! So…how's it feel to be old like Mori-chan and I? ((grin, grin)) My liddle bro's playing Poke'mon Puzzle League behind me right now… .

Aaya: ((stares in disbelief)) Y…y-you DON'T WANT THE SPONGES? Never mind. I've decided Freda's gonna have a short sword that glows, just like Frodo in the real LotR. Only, Freda's sword will be named Chiku instead of Sting, and Chiku glows spring green, not blue. :) The weather is here—wish you were beautiful. Hope you're enjoying France! Doki-doki-artichoki & all that, wot wot!

theamazing…: You ARE amazing, if you're still reading this parody!

: I love you. Don't doubt that for a moment. ;)

ohwhydoIevenneeda DISCLAIMER: No, honestly. Why? I don't own LotR, and I don't want to. I already own the most precioussss things in the world—Si-kun, Ysidro-kitty, and my teddy bear. ((double checks)) Oh, no, wait…Silas belongs to Sakura-sensei, and Ysidro is © Barbara Hambly. ((cries)) I guess I only have Guimelly-kun!

James (Kojiro) is © Nintendo, Gamefreak, & the Poke'mon ppl. Sister Cicely is © Brian Jacques & the Redwall Abbey Company.

—

I haven't been on FFN for a couple of eternities, and therefore have no LotR humor to recommend.

WAIT! Go read Sakura Shinguji-Albatou's The Christmas Lembas! (I know…wrong season…But that's what a good story's like—you can enjoy it anytime of the year!)

—

NOTICE: Refina (© the Escaflowne ppl) will be at the Council of Ellie Ronda. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes, and she looks like a markswoman to me, so there. (:p) ((mutters)) Besides, wouldn't the original pronunciation of the katakana of her name be "LE-fi-na"?

Chapter six: The Council of Ellie Ronda

Freda woke up feeling thoroughly refreshed. She rubbed her eyes and looked over at the digital clock on the bedside table.

"Holy shnikes!"

The young hobbit sprang up with a frantic shout, throwing aside the covers. The clock read 10:00 AM. The Council was scheduled to have started promptly at 8. Freda dressed with the rapidity of a charging rhino, putting on her pants backwards (how'd she manage that?) and her shirt inside out. Her hand was a blur as she brushed her teeth; she was in such a horrible hurry that she left the water on and forgot to brush her hair. (tsk tsk)

She sprinted out of her room and along the balcony. Freda leaped down the steps and threaded her speedy way through several gardens before she realized that she was truly, utterly lost.

The lights came on.

"What the—!"

The lights dimmed.

Meanwhile at the Council, Ellie Ronda wasn't exactly in what you would call high good humor.

"Two hours, fudge it all! Where has that dratfingled hobbit gotten to?" She paced in a circle for the fiftieth time. "That's it! I'm not waiting one minute more!" She plopped down on her big stone chair (bruised her bottom) and announced pompously, "The Council of Ellie Ronda (that would be me) will hereby commence!"

Granny Dalf was reading Shakespeare out loud with obvious enjoyment, using the original 16th century pronunciation, while Bill Bo snoozed. Arra Gorn was arm-wrestling Barbara Mir. Arven (what's he doing here?) was alternately brushing his hair, gnawing on the stem of a rose, and generally trying to look romantic. The dwarves were having a barbecue. An Elf was using Ellie Ronda's garden for target practice. Pshew! Another pretty plume of flowers went up in a gout of flame.

Ellie Ronda's eyebrows swooped down in an expression of annoyance. "I said, THE COUNCIL OF ELLIE RONDA (THAT WOULD BE ME) WILL HEREBY COMMENCE!"

Bill Bo snorted and woke up. The dwarves put away their fires and barbecue equipment. The only sounds were that of munching and Granny Dalf's vociferous reading, accentuated by the occasional Pshew! and some plant life crumpling to cinders.

"'Where the bee sucks, there suck I…'"

"Granny Dalf," Ellie Ronda said in a strained voice.

Granny reluctantly shut the dusty volume. "Oh, all right," she said sheepishly.

"And Refina, will you please stop shooting up my landscaping?"

There came one final Pshew!, then the markself lowered her weapon, setting it down beside her with a heavy, metallic clunk.

Ellie Ronda stood and turned 360° so to give everyone present a good look at her ferocious eyebrows. "Ladies and Ladies," she began.
Someone cleared his throat.

"What?" Ellie demanded irately.

"I'm not a lady, Mom," Arven said sullenly.

"Sorry. Ladies and Arven—"

Again, someone cleared his throat.

"What now?" Ellie fairly screamed.

"I'm notta wady," two-year-old Legolas squeaked in protest. "And I'm notta Arven either!"

(A/N: Ye-ah…chibi Leggy was in the original 6th grade script)

Ellie shot Refina a questioning look. The blonde Elf bent over and lifted the aforementioned two-year-old out from under her seat. "Babysitting," she explained curtly.

Legolas smiled disarmingly and held out his teddy bear. "He'th a fox, and hith name'th Gelltor." He introduced the stuffed bear to the Council, then sat on Refina's lap, sucked his thumb, and pulled her hair.

"I see the family resemblance," Ellie said neutrally.

Refina buried her face in her arms with a muffled, "Thisistooembarrassing…" Legolas looked at Gelltor and failed to see the family resemblance midst all the love-worn synthetic fur.

On the other side of Rivendell, Freda knocked on another door. An Elf poked his head out. "Can I help you?"

Freda pointed at the room. "Um, what's this room?" she asked. The Council of Ellie Ronda was supposed to be top-secret, so she couldn't exactly ask for directions.

"This is Spa Service," the Elf replied, pushing back his chin-length purple hair.

Freda looked at the big red 'R' on the Elf's shirt and backed away. "Never mind."

Freda knocked on the next door. A rush of verbena scented air greeted her. "What's this room?" she asked the Elf who opened the door.

The Elf smiled. "This is the Infirmary. I'm the Rivendell Healer. I make nettle soup and tongue twisters with 'S' sounds."

Freda screamed and ran in the opposite direction from the scary lady.

Several doors later, Freda had found the Room of Funky Mirrors, a Welsh rugby team, a shooting gallery (20 rupees!), the varsity volleyball team, and a seaport in eastern Bulgaria. But she had not found the Council of Ellie Ronda.

At the Council of Ellie Ronda, Granny Dalf was busy narrating the betrayal of Sara Mann. "…She jabbed at me like this—" The wizardess leaped onto her seat and demonstrated with her staff. "But I swung at her like so—" and cracked an unfortunate council member over the head.

"Hey," Bill Bo raised his hand. "I could use a restroom break."

"Go ahead," Ellie Ronda said, rubbing between her eyes like she had an almighty headache.

"Wait!" Granny Dalf said, "I haven't finished yet!"

"Your time's up," Ellie said. "Refina, the stage is yours."

The Elf yanked her ponytail out of Legolas' little fingers and faced the Council. "So, what do you want to hear first? The good news, or the bad news?"

"Let's hear the bad news first, to get it over with," Ellie Ronda said with a grimace.

"The bad news is, Gollum climbed a tree and got away," Refina explained.

"Why didn't you go after him?" Arven demanded.

Refina shot him an incredulous look. "Climb a tree in these boots?"

Arven looked down at his similarly clad feet. They sported blue-enameled metal boots that molded themselves into his calves. The footwear looked good, but it was a real pain to walk in them, much less climb after Gollum. "I see what you mean," he sighed, and went back to brushing his hair and gazing adoringly at Arra.

"What's the good news?" Ellie Ronda asked.

Refina hefted up the weapon beside her seat. "Lord Dilandau got me a long-barreled, blue-and-silver, Kaze no Tani style sniper rifle!"

"I wish he hadn't," Ellie Ronda groaned, looking at her garden with dismay.

Elsewhere in Rivendell, Freda had given up. She was lost, tired, hungry, and the Council was probably over anyway. She continued walking sullenly against the wall, not looking where she was going. An opening door nearly slammed into her face.

"Yipes!" Freda leaped back.

"Freda!" Bill Bo exclaimed to the sound of toilet water flushing. "Where've you been? Ellie Ronda started the Council without you."

Freda burst into tears. "I overslept, and then I got lost!" She wiped at her face with her sleeve. "I'll bet no one even noticed I was gone. It's always like that—no one cares about me!" She cried even harder and started hiccuping. "Why hic should I even go to the Counhiccil? I should just take the Ring and hic leave and…take over the world or something!" She sniffled. "Then hic you'll all hic be sorry…"

Bill Bo was silent for a moment. Then he came forward and put an arm around his niece's shoulders. "Don't say such things, Freda. You know you don't mean them, and you'll regret it later. Let's go to the Council now. I'm sure everyone will be glad to see you."

Freda rubbed her eyes. "Suuure they will," she muttered. It's the Ring they want to see, she thought.

And sure enough, as soon as she arrived, Ellie Ronda demanded that she "bring forth the Ring, Freda Baginski."

Freda obliged, sullenly sticking the repulsive object on the stone plinth. She took a seat next to Granny Dalf and glared at the Ring where it glittered sickeningly at everyone at the Council.

Ellie spoke up. "See?" she gestured at the Ring. "This—this thing will be the cause of our destruction! Should Sauroth the Jelly Bean regain the Ring of Ugliness, our cities will be destroyed and we'll all be enslaved in the land of Moredorks."

"'Where shadow lies thick and chunky like peanut butter on a celery stick'. Yeah, yeah, I've heard that one, too. So what are we waiting for? Let's destroy it!" With those words, a stocky dwarf leapt up from her seat and charged up to the plinth with her axe raised.

"No!" Granny Dalf began, rising up.

The dwarf brought her axe down. As the blade made contact with the Ring, the atmosphere seemed suddenly to become stifling and dark. Freda's hands tightened on the arms of her seat as a monotonous voice began to yodel,

"One ring to do the regime-ing,
One ring to con them,
One ring to bring them in screaming,
And rule them in my queendom…"

For a moment, Freda seemed to see a flame in the air, and this terrifying flame…had a mustache.

The moment ended as soon as it had begun. There came the sound of shattering as shards of the dwarf's axe broke and scattered. The dwarf flew backwards from the impact and hit her head on the stone floor. "What the—!"

Refina laughed her head off as the dwarf made her way weakly to her seat.

Ellie Ronda shook her head. "The Ring cannot be destroyed, Kimberly daughter of Chloe, by any method we here possess. It must be cast back into the chasm in which it was formed."

"I prefer to be called Kimbly," the dwarf said stiffly, rubbing her head and gazing ruefully at the stump of her axe blade.

A long silence followed as everyone at the Council stared with horrified fascination at the Ring. Well, everyone except Arven and Arra, who were staring adoringly into each other's eyes.

"I've got a thought," Bora Mir spoke up loudly, "Our objective is to keep the Ring out of Sauroth's hands, isn't it?"

"Ye-ah," Ellie Ronda said, narrowing her eyes suspiciously as her eyebrows formed a sharp V.

"Well, if the thing's supposed to be so fearsome, why don't we use it against that Jelly Bean? With the Ring, we'll be powerful enough to defeat her!"

"You can't use the Ring, doofus!" Arra interrupted. "It'll consume your brain—or what there is of it—then it'll corrupt your will—if you had any in the first place."

"No one speaks to me like that, you—!" Bora began.

"So what I'm saying is," Arra continued even more loudly, "if we try to use the Ring, it would end up in Sauroth's hands, er, I mean, around her waist in the end anyway!"

Bora pounded her fists down on the arms of her chair. "My people have to pay a tithe of a 33-layer chocolate cake to Moredorks every Saturday to keep your lands safe! If anyone deserves to wield the Ring's power, it's me!" She slapped her chest. "Bora Mir, Stewardess of Gondor and…and all that stuff." Not wanting to sound weak, she concluded by calling Arra a very bad word.

Refina stood up, dislodging toddler Legolas from her lap. "Hey! You've got no right to talk to her like that! She's Arra Gorn, daughter of Arra Thorn, heir to Isadora and the futon of Gondor. You owe her strawberry Poptarts™, without icing!"

Bora Mir mouthed wordlessly.

Arra's face went beetroot red. "Osuwari, Refina!" she barked.

A glowing pink rosary appeared around Refina's neck. The blonde elf took a plunge towards the ground as though Middle Earth suddenly decided to exert thrice the usual amount of gravity upon her. Refina dug herself out of the debris and emerged, sputtering, at the rim of a Refina-shaped crater.

"What did you tell me to 'Sit down' for, Arra?" she cried indignantly. "I was just standing up for you!"

"Skweek," said toddler Legolas, holding up Gelltor and twitching the stuffed bear's ears.

Arra folded her arms. "You called me the heir of Isadora. I know my great-great-greatgreatgreat-gramps was a little, ah, gender-confused, but at least refer to him as Isildur in public."

Refina dusted herself off and sniffed disdainfully. "Well, excuse me for being an Elf and having a long memory."

Ellie Ronda stepped up to the plinth. "It's final, then. The Ring must be destroyed. The question, now, is: who will do it?"

"Better not give it to an Elf," Kimbly said. "They're all so blond the Ring of Ugliness and Stoopidity won't need to corrupt them much!"

"I beg to differ!" Arven screeched, putting a hand to his hair. "This is sable, not blonde!"

"You're a pampered weakling who's obsessed with your hair!" Kimbly shot back, brandishing her axe-shaft. "I'll bet you can't fight, and wear that sword just 'cause it looks good."

Arven's violet eyes went wide. "I'll show you, you…you…unattractive creature!" He whipped his longsword out of its sheath and charged at the dwarf, but tripped over the long, blue-and-silver barrel of Refina's Kaze no Tani style sniper rifle as the blond Elf stuck it in his way.

"Code of chivalry," Refina reminded him. "You must not harm women." She cocked her weapon and aimed it at Kimbly with a vicious grin. "I'll take her out."

Toddler Legolas buried his face against Gelltor's furry belly so as not to witness the violence.

Refina pulled the trigger. There was an explosion of fireworks. When the smoke had cleared, everyone turned to see Granny Dalf standing atop her seat with her staff raised.

"Even as we argue amongst ourselves, Sauroth's power is growing," the wizardess boomed, raising her wizened hands for emphasis. Her portable podium sprang up and her set of dramatic red curtains swung behind her, but to no avail. The Council erupted into even louder bickering than before.

Freda, who had remained white-lipped and silent throughout the entire proceedings, felt that she was hearing the yodeling again. She gritted her teeth and tried to think through the obscene noise. It really wasn't working. She looked towards Bill Bo, but her great-uncle was arguing with the best of them, gesticulating spasmodically to make up for his lack of height. Granny Dalf was no help either; she was now floating above the Council on a seething periwinkle cloud and using a megaphone.

Freda had had enough. She leaped out of her seat and walked up to the plinth, yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Okay already! I'll take the Ring!"

Like magic, the noise ceased. Everyone turned to stare at the adolescent girl in disbelief. Granny Dalf received such a bad shock at this show of boldness that her periwinkle cloud winked out, and she fell, landing on Ellie Ronda. Bill Bo wasn't so lucky. He instantly had a heart attack and had to be shipped out to ER.

Freda looked around at the gawping tall folks (and dwarves) around her and repeated her sentiments: "I'll take the Ring of Ugliness to Mount Doofus."

Granny's face bore a look of weariness and sorrow. "My butt hurts; Ellie Ronda has a hard head." She clapped a hand to her mouth. "I mean, don't worry, Freda my dear. I'm coming with you!"

Arra strode up and clapped a hand on Freda's shoulder. "Seeing as I've been the one saving your hiney all along—"

Freda looked at Arra's grimy hand and interrupted, "Clean your fingernails, Ranger."

Arra shook in an effort to control herself and look good in front of her precious Arven-poo. "So…so what I'm saying is, it's only natural that I come with you, you liddle fartnugget…You have my sword."

Refina stepped up. "And you have my double-action, self-loading, blue-and-silver, Kaze no Tani style sniper rifle, complete with the latest Zaibach targeting devices!"

Not to be outdone, Kimbly took her place beside Freda, too. "And my axe!" She looked at her weapon. "Er, or what's left of it."

Bora Mir fidgeted in her seat for a moment, then sighed and stood up. "If this is indeed the will of the Council, then count me in, too."

Ellie Ronda looked them over, one hand holding a tissue to her bleeding nose as she contemplated the situation.

"Oi!" There came a shout from the singed foliage nearby as none other than Sammie-Gammie-Freda's-bestest-pal-ever-since-kindergarten-who-is-now-a-professional-landscaper-who-does-her-yard-for-free came rushing out. "Miz Freda's not going without me to protect her!" The curly-haired Aussie hobbit squeezed in between Arra and Granny Dalf to stand beside her best friend. "Right, Freda?"

Freda was deeply moved by her gardener's loyalty. She smiled, swallowed hard, and said. "Absoballylutely, Sammie!"

Ellie Ronda reached for a new tissue as she continued contemplating the situation.

Taking the cue, Meri and Pippi sprang out from their hiding places behind two stone pillars with a chorus of, "We're coming, too!"

Arra Gorn blanched. "They can't all come!" She looked at Ellie Ronda desperately for support. "These liddle chits weren't even invited to the Council!"

The Lady of Rivendell was hard at work counting the assemblage around Freda. "One…two, three…erm, five…"

"You're gonna have to turn us into fleas, package us, tape us up, and send us back to the Shire by FedEx to stop us coming!" Meri piped up.

"Yeah! What she said!"

"Eleven…no, no…Nine!" A slow smile spread across Ellie Ronda's face. "What a coinkydink! There's nine of you, just like there's nine evil Nascar Racers working for Sauroth. What are the odds!" She clasped her hands in delight. "Oh, this is perfect. It's decided, then. You shall be…

"The Sisterhood of the Ring!"

Meri clapped. "Ooh, snazzy name! So…what's that butt-ugly Ring got to do with us anyway?"

O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O

A/N: Next up…The Ringie goes South! Please review, b/c reviews equal faster updates!

You may go ahead and skip these character profiles, like before. I'm just doin' 'em for fun!

-CHARA-

Full name: Granny Dalf
Age: 352
Ethnicity: Welsh Sorceress
Appearance: She's 5'5" if you straighten her out. Her hair's the color of starlight (well, it's white, you know, heheh), she's got wrinkles, bad teeth, the works… She wears grey and blue—the run-of-the-mill robes & cloak, and Of Course, a pointy hat.
Personality traits: Speaks her mind, even when she doesn't mean to. Granny Dalf is very fond of Freda (which is pretty impressive, if you ask me).
Likes: Pyrotechnics, Shakespeare. :3
Family: Son Wizard Howl (a.k.a. Howell, or the Wizard Pendragon, or Wizard Jenkins…GOSH, YOU PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO SEE THE MOVIE!)
Blood type (in case of medical emergencies): Minute Maid Light™, Mango Tropical flavored. (made with real fruit juice!)
Preferred weapon: A mobile suit. Not! Granny Dalf uses her magic, staff, and kung fu fighting, no da!

-CHARA-

Full name: Sara Mann
Age: 353
Ethnicity: a tye-dyed fraud
Appearance: 5'7", and very colorful… O.o;
Personality traits: Constantly disgruntled about her facial hair. Always has her way.
Likes: the same things as Aunt Petunia
Family: dead.
Blood type (in case of medical emergencies): Cherry flavored Kool-Aid™ (she drinks it Way too much).
Preferred weapon: Feather duster. But recently, she has converted to the art of the disco-ball-tipped staff.

-CHARA-

Full name: Arra Gorn
Age: 21
Ethnicity: American human. Well, what did you think? A Power Ranger?
Appearance: 5'7", and an obvious disregard for hygiene.
Personality traits: The world makes her sneeze, so go away.
Likes: Arven
Family: cats, lots of cats.
Blood type (in case of medical emergencies): A
Preferred weapon: An iron rod, a chair, or anything that can offer up a good beating. More often, she resorts to her sword.

(That's Freda, Sam, Pips, Meri, Arra Gorn, Granny Dalf, & Sara Mann. Next chapter Arven, Bora, Refina, and Kimbly)

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Resistance is futile. The 'Go' button AlWaYs wins…