Disclaimer: Ghellie is but a lowly Houself and is not whishing for misters and misses to think she takes glory from Mistress Rowling. She is owning all along withs her comumpanies who puts the pages into books and makes the fill-ems. Ghellie just havings fun like a liberated houself. All the pretty lyrics is owned by the Goo Goo Dolls.

A/N : This is Ghellie's first fic, so she is thankings you all for readings. rushes to get milo's ready for reviewers

Ruth for Ruthless

Severus Snape awoke in the early hours of the morning after the usual fitful sleep full of nightmares and terror. He was still facing his boyfriend, a black haired beauty, tanned and lithe, a scar the only blemish on the youthful face. Wanting, but not daring to stare at his lover longer, he slid silently out of bed and lightly to the kitchen for his black coffee breakfast. Ten minutes after the first cup, Severus was dressed in muggle bike shorts that somehow hung off him and a shirt, ready to do his usual ten mile morning run. He can’t remember when it became usual for him to be like this, all he knew is that it was required and that it was to happen regardless of circumstance.

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

Two miles in to the track he had picked out, a cloudy haze settled on his mind, chasing away the hunger. Always war waged in his head between himself and Ruth. How he longed to stop, to rest for once, but it simply was not done. He had become dependent on Ruth and her commands. At first her voice had been a welcome distraction, now a necessity to keep going.

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming?
No one’s listening anyway

In his younger years, Severus was a much more robust figure, perhaps a little on the plump side, one of the reasons for a father to hate his only heir. Aloysius Snape was by all means a cruel bastard. He craved power and control over everything, and would have made a great Voldemort follower if he had not been too old. Father used to say Severus ate like a condemned man. Punished Severus for eating too much or for anything that irked his father, really. His wife was treated no differently. Snape grew into a replica of the older man, cruel and calculating, all a Slytherin should be. Snape Senior became a murderer. Severus became a Death Eater at 16 to appease the man. To try and find acceptance in his eyes.

Your voice is small and fading
And you hiding here unknown
And your mother loved your father
Cus she’s got nowhere to go

Aloysius Snape beat his wife to death in front of his 18 year old son and as he started on the boy, he was killed by Aurous who were called to the disturbance at the house. Severus survived by the hand of his old Headmaster. It was his saving grace. No longer having to live up to the expectations of his Father, he was free. But not for long, for now he felt guilt and compassion, complicating emotions in a simple life.

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What’s the point in ever trying?
Nothing’s changing anyway

Still pounding along the gravel path Severus’ thoughts turned to other fragments of his life. Coming out to his friend Lucius abut being gay, it was spread around the school. Purebloods aren’t gay, it’s wrong, he was told. And so he believed. He had always believed the others, and when they were no longer there, there was Ruth. He had to make up for being alive, for his mistakes. He spied for the light, Harry Potter killed Voldemort in the final battle, Severus at his side, and then he no longer had his saving grace. Ruth seemed to take over. None of this or that or the other. Harry came into his life, the only one he allowed in his world. Why Harry wanted him he would never know. Of all the people who should have punished Severus for what he was, Harry chose not to hate but to love.

Two hours and ten miles later Severus had returned again to the house, smoke unfurling from the chimney signaling that his lover had arose and made breakfast. As always, when he entered the kitchen Harry had set a place for Severus in hopes that he might eat. They shared a chaste kiss and Severus continued to the bathroom to wash off the sweat and guilt of his run. Harry cleaned up breakfast and followed on; today he wanted to confirm his fears. They had not made love in weeks and he wanted to know why.

Harry went into the bathroom and was stilled by the scene before him. Severus perched on the edge of the bath, razor in hand and blood dripping to the floor form his thigh. The older man had a glazed look in his onyx eyes, focused on nothing in the distance. Harry went over and took the cutthroat from his hand and tossed it aside when Severus went to make another cut. Finally noticing his boyfriend’s presence, he spoke.
“You should not have followed me” Severus sighed.
“I was worried love. Why do you do this to yourself?”
“I don’t have a choice. Just leave it alone”
“No Severus I won’t. I leave everything else alone; I don’t go at you for not eating, for exercising excessively, the seclusion, how you won’t even make love to me anymore, but this? This is not going to be left alone. I won’t stand by and watch you die.”
“Why won’t you leave it?”
“Because I LOVE you damnit! I’ve already lost everyone I love to Voldemort and I wont lose you to him either if I can help it!” Harry was stamping his foot on the ground like a child. He felt like one, not being allowed the only thing he wanted.

“I’m too far gone” said Severus, looking away.

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I’ve tried so hard to reach you
But you’re falling anyway

Two months later, Harry pretends to be asleep as his fiancé quietly goes about his morning routine. Harry’s nightmare happened again, the one where all is friends and family wove in and out of consciousness, blaming him for not killing Voldemort sooner. Severus fainted again yesterday. Harry could not go on like this, his lover dying, and dying himself. Plan firmly in his head Harry waited for Severus to return to look at him before he went on his run, as he always did. Harry was sitting on the bed, his hand concealing his knife, the one he had stabbed Voldemort through the heart with.

The oneHarry used to cut himself with.

Severus entered the room and Harry began to speak.
“Severus, this can’t go on”
“It can and it will” Ruth answered for him.
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“I can’t survive without you, I’m barely surviving now.” Harry looked down and away from his love, the man that had transformed before his eyes that he was powerless to help.
“Yes you can, I’m worth nothing and you know it”
“Severus, you are my world. Is my world worth nothing? Tell me Severus.” They stared each other off.

“Tell me Severus” Harry spoke again, taking the knife from its sheath and placing it on his wrist. Severus’ eyes widened. He sensed the spell on the knife, Berdarah Lamanya, it would leave the cut bleeding forever.
“Harry… I…”
“I can’t live without you, and I won’t live like this. I’m tired Severus”

A moment passed and they looked into each other. Severus’ eyes said everything. Its job done, the knife fell to the floor and Severus ran to catch a falling and sobbing Harry.

“You’re alright” Harry whispered.
“I love you, Harry” Severus whispered into his lover’s head. They sat together as the sun shone through the window onto them. Birds called to one another and the earth sighed and stretched preparing itself for another perfect summer’s day.

And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming?
You’re not listening anyway.

Acoustic #3 - Goo Goo Dolls

Berdarah Lamanya - Roughly translated from Indonesian means bleeding forever. And the title came from a documentary screened in Australia called Bronte's Story, it was the name given to the anorexic voice by a sufferer.

What is your thinkings? Ghellie blushes and apparates away to the kitchens