Let Me Go

Grissom sat stiffly at his desk in his office several hours after the rest of nightshift had gone home. His modest office was illuminated by a single lamp perched on the edge of his desk; he had turned off the overhead light a couple of hours ago to discourage people from entering. In the back of his mind he could hear 'Gil the consummate professional' ordering him to quit daydreaming and actually do some of the paperwork that he had been staring absently at for at least the last hour. However, today this normally dominate persona had taken a back seat; for today, and today only, he was second to 'Gil the broken hearted.'

His mind kept drifting to the events of the day before; in particular, when Sara had walked into his office to talk about her P-E-A-P counselling. He had worked so hard over the last year to move on, to get over Sara Sidle, in a vain attempt to dull the ache in his heart every time he entered his vacant apartment or awoke in his large, cold bed. He had hoped that if he didn't have a specific face that he wanted to go home to, maybe he could stand to go home more often. And he had done it. Slowly, painfully, ever since the Debbie Marlin case, he had willed his heart and mind to build their immunity to Sara. However one very short, five-minute conversation made his susceptibility returned full force… along with all the insecurities that were apart of the package.

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

Admittedly, Grissom is socially-inept. However, he knows more than he has ever let on. He has always maintained that he never understood human behaviour, but the truth is that he understood it fine. He just couldn't empathize with it

He was never in denial about his feelings for his beautiful apprentice; rather, he was sceptical of finding a 'happily-ever-after.' Pick any stage in their relationship and he could pull out a logical reason they couldn't be together. The problem wasn't coming up with excuses to keep them apart. The problem was really believing them. His head and his heart were in an eternal battle: his head would provide him with practical arguments to not mix business and pleasure while his heart did its best to block them out. The result was a brain cluttered with brilliant words of wisdom and no will to voice them.

Ever wonder why Grissom had only offered a simple "No." in response to Sara's bold request for a dinner together? When actually faced with the situation he had dreamed of, but also dreaded, for the past three years, he couldn't find one reason in his cluttered brain that still made sense. He couldn't say any of his logical lies out loud, not to himself and especially not to her. Yet, he knew he couldn't say "Yes"… so he used his only remaining option: an unexplained rejection.

It wasn't until last year, with the Debbie Marlin case, that he had finally been able to speak the truth. He wasn't sure what had motivated him to be so blunt in that interrogation room. He knew when he started the speech that Lurie wouldn't admit to anything just because of the few sentiments Grissom echoed. Maybe it was just because he had finally found the words. When Grissom had seen the circumstances from the outside, viewing the mirror situation as a crime scene, he had received the clarity he had been searching for. He had finally found the real reason for refusing Sara and he had finally found a way to say it. She was a young, beautiful woman with the world at her feet and he was an old, rigid, hermit with nothing but case knowledge to offer. He didn't deserve her. She deserved more than an unexplained rejection and she certainly deserved more than a man who had chosen work over love.

In my head there's only you now
And this world falls on me
And in this world, there's real and make-believe
And this seems real to me

Love. But what had she called it? Validation. That word had hurt.

Four years of build up to create the baggage they carried, one year find a place to hide it, and one conversation to reduce it to Barbie proportions. In one sense this new information provided Grissom with a sense of comfort. A quest for 'validation' meant that he had been correct all along. He had been right to rebuff her advances and to step back form the would-be relationship. If he had accepted, she would have been validated, and he would have been even more broken in the process.

So, he was right. He would have been worse off if he had listened to his heart… he wasn't so good now… but he could have been worse.

And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this live I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

His mind was spinning at a mile-a-minute, coming up with reassurance to sooth his soul, but still couldn't drown out the nagging emanating from the centre of his chest. He could have been worse… but he could have been better.

If all Sara was looking for was validation, she wouldn't have held on for so long. Four years was an awful long time and although he was respected by his peers for his entomological knowledge and experience, he wasn't an important enough person in the grand scheme of this to hold on so long for. If she wanted validation, she would have moved on to Ecklie, or Covallo before him… both higher ranked thus more worthy of a four year dedication. Validation doesn't cover it. Not to mention that she said that she moved to Las Vegas for him. That has got to be more.

So just for argument's sake, Grissom called it love. He knew that it was genuine love radiating from his side, but he was a little shaky on the authenticity of hers. He had no doubt that she thought that she loved him, as he just established, four years is too long for anything less. But how was it possible to love someone you don't know? Grissom hadn't done the best job at hiding his romantic feelings about Sara, but the one thing that Grissom had perfected was hiding himself from others. The only person that came close to knowing the real Gil Grissom was Catherine, and it had taken her decades to find him hiding deep within. So how could Sara possibly love him, if she still hadn't found him?

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turned my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm going through

And so he's back at the conclusion that he was right. He briefly reminds himself of the scenario he would have liked to end up with: a house, a family, even the clichéd white-picket fence. Then he allows their P-E-A-P discussion to penetrate his head and erase his dream. It could never be, especially not now if the tone that she had used was any indication. Her tone was the one that he had been using last month: recovery. And that is the same one he has to learn to use again. Whatever chance he and Sara had once had, it was gone now. Too much had happened. Too little was said too late. They had both been irreversibly damaged by their game of emotional tag. And so he was right. If it was hurting this much to finally let go of their non-existent relationship then he couldn't even imagine what ending a real relationship with her would have done to him.

In my head there's only you now
And this world falls on me
And in this world, there's real and make-believe
And this seems real to me

And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this live I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go
Let me go

He lingered a while longer, giving his heart one last try to take control. But in the end, Grissom is and always be a tangible man who relies on his logic, and like it or not his logic tells him this heartache and loneliness has always been a foregone conclusion. He was a lone wolf. It was in his nature. Sara could dominate his mind for the next year, or however it takes him this time to recover, but in the end it would just be him.

He loves Sara, he knows it now, and it'll be the hardest time of his life to get over her, but it's not really a choice anymore. If nothing else, this should help him gain permanent closure. Now he can say unequivocally that he was loved. He can also finally silence the pleas of his heart, with the knowledge that what happened was inevitable. Sara loved the idea of him, not the real him. She didn't know the real him. She probably wouldn't like the real him; the vulnerable, awkward, scared, inexperienced man juxtaposing the man he had always presented to her. He knew the real reason they would never work and now, with the help of her counsellor, she too had a good enough reason to move on.

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

An unexplored love has a way on clinging to person. Without having discovered the potential, it's just too hard to find absolute closure. Grissom knows enough about his own human nature to realize that he won't ever truly escape the Sidle spell. A part of him was lost to her the day she walked back into his life. But he didn't want it back; he more than happy to let her keep whatever piece she had obtained. After everything that he had done to her, she deserved nothing less. Part of him wondered whether she would keep that part of him or whether she would toss it aside as she regained control of her life… He hoped that in the end she could walk away with something valuable from their pseudo-relationship but only time would tell, and even then it would only tell her.

He had to focus on things he could control. Now he had to do the best that he could with what he had left and see where it led him.

And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Grissom reached over and flipped off the light. It was time to go home. Even if he did eventually find the motivation to actually work on the pile of paper that had been absorbing his stares for the last couple of hours, it wasn't what he needed right now. So he blindly navigated his way to the door of the office and walked out into the overly bright hallway and headed towards the exit. He needed to go home. He needed time and rest. He needed tomorrow to come so that he could start again.

Sara Sidle was finally letting him go.

---

Now I have a question for those more experienced with the site: Do we actually have to do this 'disclaimer' crap? I highly doubt that Anthony Zucker or whoever owns this stuff would care all that much that I wrote a few pages about a couple of characters that he dreamed up… and I would be seriously disappointed if one of them sued someone over this. After all, it's not like they're hard-up for cash… video games, DVDs, toys, the popularity of the show and it's spin-offs have pretty much guaranteed those associated with won't be begging for food stamps anytime soon… so do I really have to write at the top each story that I don't own them?

For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it is "Let Me Go" by Three Doors Down.