Stargate Atlantis: the Slightly-Screwed Recap
by mermaid2bseeker

What if the Atlantis crew was doing an improvised review of their first adventure, live on stage, in musical form?

Curtain rises: It's the Athosian village.

It's nighttime and the team is walking away from the gate. A couple of kids come running out of the trees, chasing each other.

Jinto "I got you." (he and the other kid fall to the ground)

Sergent Bates (pointing his rifle at them) "Who are you?"

Sheppard (smacks Bates upside the head) "They're kids, idiot. Lower your weapon."

Bates "I knew that."

Sheppard "Take us to your leader."

Jinto (shrugs) "Ok."

The team follow the kids to the village.

Jinto (points to a house) "She's in there." (he and the other kid go running off, laughing)

The team enters the house.

Teyla "Hello, and welcome to our village."

Bates "We're traders, and we have a few specific needs."

Teyla "We do not trade with strangers."

Sheppard "Ok. Well, I'm John Sheppard and I'm a pisces. I like pro football, ferris wheels and fast cars."

Ford "Sir, this isn't a dating service video."

Sheppard "I'm just trying to break the ice."

Teyla "Every morning we like to have tea to prepare us for the coming day. Perhaps you could join us?"

Sheppard "Well, I used to have tea parties all the time with my little sister. We'd love to join you."

Ford "Sir, you're an only child."

Sheppard "Cool it."

They walk into a separate room.

Weir (backstage) "Cue daytime."

The sky outside quickly grows lighter, indicating daytime.

Teyla "So you have never heard of the Wraith?"

Sheppard "Nope."

Teyla "Can we go back with you?"

Bates "We can't go back, it was a one-way trip."

Teyla "Oh."

Ford "Um, we noticed some strange structures on the other side of the village. And we were wondering what you knew about them."

Teyla "They're ancient ruins, and if we go near them it will bring the Wraith."

Ford "Oh."

Bates "Isn't about time that we called Weir with an update?"

Sheppard "Right. Ford, you and Bates go call Weir."

Ford "What are you gonna do?"

Sheppard "I have to stay here to learn important information."

Bates (sarcastically) "Right."

Sheppard "Hey, I'm in charge here, I don't have to answer to you."

Bates and Ford leave the house.

Teyla "I think there is something you need to see."

Sheppard "Ok."

Teyla and Sheppard leave the house. They walk through a bunch of woods and arrive at a cave.

Teyla "My people and I have learned much from this cave."

They walk in, on the cave walls are pictures.

Sheppard "Even though I can clearly see that they're pictures, the rules require that I ask. What are they?"

Teyla "They are apictorial history of my village."

Sheppard see something shiny on the ground, and just like a raccoon he picks it up.

Sheppard "Again, I can clearly see that this is a necklace, but I still have to ask. What's this?"

Teyla "Oh, that. It's just a necklace I lost when I was little. Why?"

Sheppard "I think this is where we're supposed to have the (does air quotes) 'sexual tension'."

Teyla "Do we have to?"

He hands the necklace to her.

Sheppard "I don't see the point of doing it."

They look at the wall.

Sheppard "So, is this what happens when the Wraith come?"

Daniel (somewhere off-stage) "Oh, come on. You can't do that! It's already been done!"

Jack (also off-stage) "Daniel!"

Sheppard and Teyla both stop what they are doing and look to the direction of Jack and Daniel.

Daniel "Jack, they're copying us. Remember that scene in the movie where Shau'ri shows me the cave paintings?"

Jack (a bit angrily and impatiently) "Daniel, I'm warning you!"

Daniel "No! They're doing the same thing, and it's not the only time they'll eeeeehhhhhkkkkk!"

Sounds of someone strangling someone else.

Sheppard and Teyla continue the scene.

Teyla "Yes, they take many of our…"

Daniel "You killed me! I can't believe you killed me!"

Jack (screams in frustration) "I can't get rid of him! He keeps coming back!"

Daniel "Don't you walk away from me! I'm not finished with you yet!"

Their voices trail off, everyone waits a few moments.

Sheppard "O.K. You were saying?"

Teyla "Uh…right. Um, they take many of our number to feed off of."

Sheppard "That sucks."

Teyla "Tell me about it."

Weir (backstage) "Cue nighttime."

The sky outside quickly grows darker, indicating nighttime.

Back at the gate:

Ford "Hey. What happened to the daytime?"

The stargate activates and three Wraith darts fly through.

Zelenka (backstage, remote controling the darts) "Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhooooooooo!"

Weir (backstage) "Without the sound effects, please."

Ford "What was that?"

Back at the cave:

Sheppard "So how do you protect yourselves?"

Teyla "Some of my people can sense the Wraith coming. They warn us in time to hide."

Sheppard "Wow."

McKay (backstage) "Cue screaming villagers."

Sounds of terrified screams.

Sheppard and Teyla run out of the cave.

Sheppard "What is it?"

Teyla "The Wraith."

They run through the trees towards the village and get separated.

Sheppard "What was that?" (he looks around) "Teyla?"

A figure covered in a white sheet appears beside a tree. It makes creepy ghost noises with a Czech accent.

Sheppard "Zelenka? What are you doing here?"

Zelenka (pulls the sheet off himself) "Well, Steve-the-primadonna didn't want to create the weird misty things, so I had to think of something."

Sheppard "Oh. Good job."

Zelenka "Thank you."

Teyla appears beside Zelenka.

Teyla "We must hurry, the Wraith can make you see things that are not there."

Sheppard "Right."

They run off, Zelenka shakes his head and mutters in Czech before walking off stage.

Teyla "Oh, no!"

A bright spotlight is following them as they run. She pushes Sheppard out of the way. The light shines on her and she falls through a trapdoor in the stage.

Sheppard "Teyla!"

He runs toward the village.

The village is being destroyed by fire, there are people running around screaming. Above them, miniatures Wraith darts shoot laser beams at the town and fly around.

Sheppard and everyone with a gun shoot at the darts. Then the darts fly off towards the Stargate.

Ford (over radio) "Sir, the gate just activated. Three enemy midgets headed this way."

Sheppard (into radio) "Let them go. Memorize the address."

Ford "Right."

Curtain lowers.

Intermission:

(sound only)

Weir "Put those fires out."

Sounds of a fire extinguisher.

Weir "Where's Zelenka?"

Zelenka "Right here."

Weir "What were you thinking?"

Zelenka "About what?"

Weir "Telling your folks about Atlantis."

Ford "Um, that was like two intermissions ago."

Weir "What? Oh. Never mind."

Zelenka "Ok."

Sounds of people moving equipment.

Sheppard "Steve, where's Steve?"

Steve-the-Wraith "I am in makeup. But when I get out, I will feast on all of you."

Sheppard "That's the spirit."

McKay "Hey, who parked the gateship there?"

Sheppard "'Gateship'? What? A little puddlejumper like this?"

McKay "It's a ship. It goes through the gate. Gateship. Ford thought it was cool."

Sheppard "Oh, well that settles it, then. Neither of you get to name anything. Ever."

Ford "Where's Sumner?"

Beckett "He's dead. Remember?"

Ford "I know that. I mean, where's the body? We need it for the scene."

Beckett "He's in the refrigerator."

Ford "Ok."

Weir "Hey, where are the Wraith 'hard-heads'?"

Steve-the-Wraith "Your insults will be your undoing."

Weir "Not you, Steve."

More equipment moving.

Jack (running left-to-right across stage) "aaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhh!"

Daniel (following Jack) "Oh, don't you run away from me. I'm ascended now, I can follow you wherever you go."

Jack "Oh yeah. Well say hello to my little friends."

Daniel (running right-to-left across stage) "aaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhh! Pollen!"

Jack (following Daniel) "Yeah. Who's big and mighty now? Huh?"

Their voice trail off.

Everyone is quite for a while.

Zelenka "Can we put them down or something?"

Beckett "I might be able to whip up a strong sleeping medicine. It should keep Jack and Daniel asleep for the next few hours."

Zelenka "Ooh, good idea."

Weir "Why don't we just call up the Asgard and have them beam Jack and Daniel back to Earth."

Zelenka "Ooh, better idea. Does anybody know the address of the Asgard?"

McKay "If we don't have enough power to gate to Earth, do you honestly think we'll have enough power to gate to the Halla galaxy?"

Weir "Where?"

McKay "It's the Asgard's home galaxy."

Weir "Oh. Dammit."

Zelenka "I guess we go with the sleeping medicine."

Weir "Places, everybody."

Sounds of people running.

Curtain Rises