It’s your FAVOURITE author ever! You love me, you know you do. Okay, here’s all that usual crap:

I don’t own South Park, it belongs to the ever so sexy Trey Parker and his annoying colleague, Matt Stone.

The couplings in this are all straight. Sorry yaoi fans! I’m in it, pining after Cartman, in all his sexiness. You love him… I love him… We all do.

This takes place when the kids are in 5th grade, so they're about 10...

Stan tossed a bruised football to Cartman, who caught it clumsily. He ran off at top speed, which was easily the slower than all the other boys, do to his bulk. The rest of the boys caught up to him effortlessly. “Uh... hey guys.” Cartman said in a slightly scared voice.

“KILL THE FATASS!” Kyle screeched in a rabid tone, his face screwed up in a fanatical fashion. The boys began to charge at the terrified Cartman.

“Screw you guys,” Cartman threw the football to the ground, “I’m goin’ home! I don’t even know what we’re playing!” Cartman gauchely waddled off the field.

“Goddamit Cartman!” Kyle seethed. “Every time we’re about to pounce on you, you decide to go home! You can’t keep doing that or we won’t play with you anymore!” he shouted at Cartman’s retreating back. Cartman spun around to glare at Kyle in a manor that was second nature to him now.

“I don’t need you!” he scoffed. “I can play all by myself! I can have WAY more fun without you bastards.” Cartman pivoted on his heel and began to amble away.

Kyle jeered “What are you gonna do? Go play tea party with your dolls?” The boys laughed, and Cartman blushed, remembering the time when he desperately wanted to find his father.

“I was going through a traumatic time goddamit! And you shouldn’t have been spying you goddamn hippies!” he defended himself. “Mel Gibson says Jews are evil liars! You suck! And if you mouth off again I’ll kick you in the nuts!” Cartman yelled angrily.

“Are we gonna play?” Stan asked cautiously, he liked to stay out of Kyle and Cartman’s battles, he didn’t know who’s side to take, neither of them made good points. It was just pointless squabbling to him, and Stan just wanted to play football.

The boys turned to face Stan. Cartman raised his eyebrows. “Did you not just listen to me? I refuse to play with a goddamn Jew!” he glowered at Kyle, sparks shooting from his eyes.

“I don’t wanna play with a fat ass either!” Kyle retorted, putting his hands on his hips. Both boys walked in opposite directions leaving the rest of the boys sitting on the field staring at their receding backs.

“Well,” Stan said “Glad that’s over! Let’s play!” he shouted to the on lookers

“Woo-hoo!” hollered the surrounding boys, getting to their feet and running to random positions. Stan ran to pick up the football Cartman had abandoned and threw it into the air.