Disclaimer: Knock knock. Who’s there? Didja. Didja who? Didja write Harry Potter? . . . Nope.

Disclaimer #2: Knock knock. Who’s there? Didja. Didja who? Didja write this letter? . . . Nope, but I did edit it (maimed it), rewrite it (abused it), and conformed it to my liking (adapted it to Draco’s personality). . . . All this to say, the following chapter is the only thing that I did NOT write – it was received by me in one of those annoying forwards you receive in your email inbox and I, contrary to my normal behavior of immediate deletion, actually read the letter and immediately thought ‘MALFOY!’. I have done a search of the internet for a link to give the author (known only as John) the credit for writing a brilliant piece of unabashed sarcasm but my efforts have thus been fruitless. Suffice it to say, and I hope I have made this clear, I DID NOT WRITE THIS LETTER but I did CHANGE it a bit. ALL of the rest is MINE, MINE, MINE! Please make no mistake.

A/N: As of October 2005, I am going back through CS and cleaning it up a bit, fine tuning it if you will, and making sure it’s the best it can possibly be. Do enjoy.

Customer Service

February 27th, 2007

From: D Malfoy, Malfoy International

Re: Complaint Department

Attch:

I have been a Wiz-Com customer since 6th Jan 2007, when I signed up for your all inclusive package including Wiz-net installation, magi-digital cable modem, and telephone service for my company. Since becoming a customer of your pathetic company, I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible – as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please permit me to detail the flaws in your system, so you can meet your professional prerogative and rectify these transgressions, or more likely (I suspect), so you can have entertaining reading material as you while away the working day in an unproductive stupor:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my arse waiting for your inept technician to arrive whilst I could have spent my day in a more productive manner (a novel idea, I’m sure). When he did not arrive, I spent a further fifty-three minutes on my mobile listening to your infuriating hold music and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website – which I would have done had my Wiz-net been installed as planned. I alleviated the boredom by staring into oblivion for a few minutes – an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation took place a fortnight later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools including but not limited to: a drill-bit, wand, and his cerebrum. Three weeks later, the multitude of magi-digital cable modems I ordered had still not arrived. After twenty-three phone calls over a three week period, the modems arrived – six weeks after I had requested and issued payment for them. I estimate that your server’s down time is roughly 40 - specifically, the hours between 6pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made ten calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems, also brainless troglodytes of catastrophic proportions.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman – and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless, you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important oblivion stare-downs to attend to. Frankly, I don’t care – it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout obscenities at your unending and tortuous hold music. Forgive me, therefore, as I continue.

I thought Lumos-Telecommunications were rubbish; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That is why I was directed to Wiz-Com and because options are rather slim, aren’t they? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of miscreants of the highest order you truly are. Due to the failure of your company to meet the reasonable demands of my company, I was forced to acquire emergency, temporary wiz-net service that parallels the speed of molasses, up hill, in winter.

Lumos-Tel – imbeciles though they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice it to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me or my company for the services which you have so pointedly and calamitously failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and immediate disbelief quickly replaced by derision, and perhaps, bemused rage.

Had this letter been received in person, it would have come equipped with a myriad of hexes and curses that express the very embodiment of my feelings toward Wiz-Com and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day – may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of freaks.

D. Malfoy

President and C.E.O

Malfoy International

P.S. It is now the intent and desire of my company to purchase Wiz-Com, strip it down to the core and sell it piece by piece to the highest bidder. You will find my rather generous proposal attached to this m-mail.