The Lost Blondes

Setting: Um, the island.

Summary: What happens when the blondes of the island start growing the dreaded ROOTS and they only have one box of Herbal Essence?

Rating: PG-13 for language. No sex, but one scene of con-man talk.

A/N: Okay, I have had this story idea for a while now. It’s pretty sad, actually, because I am a blonde myself and here I am kinda making fun of them! Well, you can kinda tell I’m a blonde now, can’t you?

Claire wasn’t talking much these days. She always wore this cute little kaki hat, despite how hot it was.

Charlie approached her one afternoon, worried about her odd behavior. She was sitting in an airplane seat, the hat mounted on her head, and writing in her journal.

“Dear Diary,” Charlie began. “Still on bloody island, today I swal-“

“That gets old, Charlie,” Claire interrupted, sounding very point-blank as she continued to scribble in her diary. “It’s more like ‘Dear Diary, still on the bloody island. Today my roots got a bit longer, I swear.”

“Ah!” Charlie exclaimed, sitting next to her. “So that’s why you’ve been so upset!” He teasingly pulled the hat off her head.

Claire jerked around, slapping him in the face with her journal and scurrying to get her hat.

Charlie screeched, throwing the hat down on the ground, out of her reach and waiting for her to calm down. She didn’t say anything, or do anything.

“Aren’t you going to get your hat?” Charlie teased, cringing and shielding himself as she went to hit him with her book again.

“I can’t,” she muttered shortly.

“Why?”

“I’m too…you know…heavy…” Claire answered, her voice tearing. “It’s hard for me to stand up now.”

“Oh,” Charlie said softly, standing up himself to pick up Claire’s hat. But it was not where he had left it. He looked down the beach away to see Boone, fixing the hat on his head and publicly telling people how ‘hot’ he looked in it.

-

“Damn Barbie!” Shannon hissed angrily. She was leaning against a large piece of fuselage, holding a blonde Barbie doll in her hand and squeezing it while gritting her teeth angrily.

“You think you’re so pretty, with your long pretty blonde hair and your blue eyes and your slim form! Well, I have news for you, bitch!”

With that said, Shannon proceeded to stab the sand with the Barbie’s head, yelling loud curses as she mutilated the doll.

Before long, Barbie’s head popped right off, due to the impact velocity.

At the time, Michael was walking by. He paused in front of Shannon, who was red faced and holding Barbie’s torso.

“That’s impact velocity right there!” Michael commented, giving her a thumbs up and walking on.

Boone was approaching Shannon just as Michael walked away. He bristled with anger and sat next to Shannon.

“Was he flirting with you!” Boone demanded.

Shannon shrugged and tossed the Barbie torso down.

Boone’s eyes went wide. “You killed my Prom Diva Barbie, Shannon!” he exclaimed, fitting Barbie’s head back on the neck and reattaching her legs.

“Whatever,” Shannon said, rolling her eyes and sighing.

“Are we ready to go to the prom, Barbie?” Boone said in a high voice. “Yes we are!” he said in a different tone, giggling to himself as he made Barbie dance across the sand. “Forever young, I want to be, forever yooooouuuunnnng!”

Shannon wrinkled her nose and glared at Boone. “Go play dolls somewhere else!”

“Why don’t you go bitch somewhere else?” Boone countered.

“Pft,” Shannon said bleakly. Then she caught site of the hat he was wearing. “Boone, isn’t that Claire’s hat?”

Boone suddenly dropped the Barbie and pulled the hat further down. “Maybe,” he answered defensively.

-

Sawyer always hung out in his little makeshift tent nowadays. Why? Because his hair was getting darker. His hair had always naturally been light and blonde, but now, it was just getting…well…darker.

He sunk back when Kate came in, throwing back the flap and glaring at him.

“What d’you want, Freckles?” he asked, trying to keep his cool.

“Why are you ALWAYS in here?” Kate asked. She sat down next to him. “Things aren’t the same out there without you. Jack is having fewer patients and no one is crying anymore…”

“You wanna know why, sweet cheeks? THIS is why!” he bent his head down to show him the top of his head where his hair was the most dark.

Kate looked delighted. “Wow! We can match, Sawyer! We’ll be twins, you and I. We can do everything tog-“

“Hell no,” Sawyer exclaimed, springing out of the tent.

-

“Come on, Shannon, let’s be friends!” Boone said in a high voice, making Barbie’s arm tap Shannon’s knee. “We can go shopping, an-“

“DO YOU WANT TO MELT!” Shannon yelled at the Barbie, edging away from Boone and his toy.

“Stop hurting her feelings…” Boone whimpered, putting Barbie back in his bag and leaving a section of it unzipped so she could ‘breathe.’ “Now, Barbie, don’t make too much noise in there with Super Surfer Ken!”

“Oh. My. God,” Shannon said, standing up and running over to wear unclaimed luggage was piled. Claire, Charlie and Sawyer were there, rummaging through it. Charlie and Claire were working together, often glaring Sawyer’s way.

Shannon kneeled down next to a bag and unzipped it. Lo and behold, an Herbal Essence blonde hair dye popped out at her. She scooped it out quickly and tried to sneak away so the others wouldn’t see.

“HEY!” Charlie yelled when he saw her, standing up. Sawyer and Claire followed his gaze.

Shannon screamed (like a screech monkey) and ran off into the woods, Sawyer at her heels.

“I’m going to get that for you, Claire!” Charlie promised, giving her a quick kiss and darting after Sawyer and Shannon.

Shannon stopped at the waterfall and began to tear open the box. But then Sawyer tackled her legs and she lost her balance.

She hit the ground with a screech, but was still clinging to the box.

Charlie came up behind Sawyer and glared at Shannon.

“Come on, Shannon!” Sawyer reasoned, trying to pull the box away from her. She just clung to it tighter.

“Listen, listen…” Sawyer said, wearily sitting down across from her and sighing. “I’m a con man. I’ll give you great sex if you just give me that hair dye!”

Shannon considered this a moment, snarled, and hugged the box to her chest.

By this time, Charlie was behind her. His arms wrapped around from behind and snatched the box. He went to run back to the beach, but tripped over his own feet.

Looking down, he saw that his shoelaces had been tied.

“Claire!” he complained, untying the laces and trying to stand up, only to find that Sawyer and Shannon were pinning him.

“Listen, Brit boy,” Sawyer began. “Why don’t you just hand the box over to Shannon and I? See, we have nice, short hair, and all Shannon needs to do is touch up her roots, and she can do that with the leftovers from what I used to dye my whole head.”

Shannon nodded in agreement. “Claire has long hair, and the dye job isn’t that great, so we ALL know she’s going to want to do her whole head!”

“And I’m going to let her!” Charlie said, trying to pull away from them.

They didn’t budge, or even show that they were having a hard time keeping him down.

“…And I’m going to let her!” Charlie tried again, struggling and eventually giving up, out of breath. “Damn, that would have been a great finishing sentence…”

“So, Mr. I-play-the-guitar-and-I’m-really-good,” Shannon said, grinning. “Go ahead and give us the hair dye.”

Charlie beamed at the compliment and handed her the dye, standing up as they released him.

“Hey, Charlie?” Shannon asked as he began to walk away.

“Yeah?” Charlie said, pausing and turning.

“How come you’re not getting any roots?”

“Natural,” Charlie explained. He grinned and walked away.

“Bastard,” Shannon and Sawyer said in unison.

-

Shannon was brushing out Sawyer’s hair, and while doing this; she decided she wanted the box to herself.

“Your hair is too thick…” she complained. “It’ll take up all the dye, and I won’t have any left!”

“How about this, then, Sticks. You’ll touch up your roots, and then I’ll use what’s left…”

“Okay!”

“Naaah…” Sawyer reconsidered…

-

Boone glanced up as Shannon sat down, her roots still visible.

“Thought you were dying your hair, sis?” he asked as he brushed Barbie’s hair.

“Yeah, Sawyer and I got in a fight about it, so then it got late. We’re doing it tomorrow morning,” she answered with a sigh.

“I thought Claire was doing it, too…”

“Yeah. And she got really mad at Charlie for not getting her the hair dye…but he gave her more invisible peanut butter so she’s all happy again.”

“What did you do with the box of hair dye?” Boone asked.

“Sawyer and I buried it near the waterfall.”

“Cool.” He paused. “Barbie never grows roots.”

Shannon bristled with anger. “You’d think after all the different types of Barbie’s they make, they’d make one that grows roots! My God, they have a PEEING Kelly doll!”

-

The next morning, the dye was gone.

Sawyer and Shannon blamed each other, dug around in other spots, but no dye was to be found.

They walked back to camp, downcast and angry. Charlie and Claire saw this and laughed.

“Bloody gits,” Charlie grinned at Claire. “Don’t understand the magic of peanut butter!”

“Imaginary peanut butter,” Claire corrected with a giggle.

They received many odd looks.

Shannon slumped next to Boone and sighed. “The dye is gone. We couldn’t find it!”

“Oh. Sorry,” Boone said with a shrug. He paused. “Wow, did you see Kate’s blonde highlights? They look awesome!”

THE END!