|SAITOU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: Wicked Enough PM
/Done with Permission/v 2.0/ Been an extra good girl and recieved a SAITOU HAJIME unit for Christmas, but now feel like it was given to you out of spite? Fear no more, this manual will teach you how to turn him from lump of coal to yummy psycho cop!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Saitou - Words: 2,066 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 07-08-05 - Published: 04-02-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2332856
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
SAITOU HAJIME: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
The Care and Keeping of Our Favorite Psycho Cop
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or "The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series. This story was completely inspired by Hikari Hrair-rah's out take of Theresa Green's series.
(Hello! This is just an edited author's note. I can't believe I skipped where Saitou was born! I also can't believe how stupid QuickEdit is! ARGH! Everything that was underlined when it shouldn't have been should be beautiful now, so enjoy. Also, there's a new end note that I noticed I also skipped. Terribly sorry! The same thing goes for the SOUJIRO unit. Stupid Wicked! Oh, and yes, thanks to everyone who reviewed this!)
I love writing these things! They're easy, take only a few hours, and finish looking great! Not only that, they make me drool and squeal a little. I'm going to have a few more guides, and those will include Aoshi and Enishi. I don't think I'll do the girls but I might just for the hell of it.
Enjoy! (PS: Hope you like this, SiriusFan13!)
You are now the proud owner of a SAITOU HAJIME unit, captain of the 3rd unit of the disbanded Shinsengumi and now a police officer! To insure you get the most out of your new unit, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Saitou Hajime (Aliases: Fujita Goro, Miburo Wolf, etc. Will also respond to: That Psycho Cop)
Date of Manufacture: Around January of 25 BME (Before Meji Era–1861)
Place of Manufacture: Shogun's Baby Making Store Inc., Musashi Province
Height: 183 cm (roughly 5"10)
Weight: 71 kg (roughly 157 lbs)
Length: Sharp and pretty lethal on one side
Your SAITOU HAJIME will come with the following accessories:
One Black Western Shirt
One Blue Jacket
One Pair Blue Pants
One Pair Black Shoes
One Pair White Gloves
One Black Belt
One Box of Everlasting Cigarettes©
When your SAITOU HAJIME arrives, please open him in police headquarters, with the pack of Everlasting Cigarettes© nearby. Be prompt with the matches, but do not light one for him. If your SAITOU HAJIME unit is cranky--good! He should be!
Your SAITOU HAJIME unit came programmed with an assortment of useful modes. Listed here are a few things that it will excel at!
Policeman: Having trouble with the law? Your SAITOU HAJIME unit will happily talk to his superiors and try to work something out. Feeling like your neighborhood has taken a turn for the worse? Your SAITOU HAJIME unit will fix everything up, making it a flourishing place to live once more! Take his salary and use his money, because it won't matter anyway!
Spy: Wondering what the girl next door is plotting against you? Your SAITOU HAJIME unit will quickly and quietly spy for you, usually as a medicine peddler, all while wearing a suspiciously happy smile! Feel free to find out whatever you want, whenever you want!
Assassin: Though your SAITOU HAJIME unit will 'take care of' anyone who dares to piss you off, your SAITOU HAJIME unit excels in corrupt government officials. Don't like the guy running for president? Just convince your SAITOU HAJIME unit that he's corrupt and, 1, 2, 3! That guy will be six feet under. (Warning: We are not responsible for any crimes committed on the behalf of your SAITOU HAJIME unit.)
Bodyguard: Like most other units that we have available, your SAITOU HAJIME is the master of a technique, in this case, the Gatotsu, which comes in four very deadly variations (one, two, three, and zero). He is faithful and loyal, and will think it great fun to beat up whoever is pushing you around.
Your SAITOU HAJIME unit will come in the following modes:
Out of Character (locked)
Please note that your SAITOU HAJIME unit is usually smiling when he's pissed off, so it will be hard to tell the difference between Cocky, Deadly, and Righteous. However, be sure not to get your SAITOU HAJIME unit in its Deadly, or, even worse, its Extremely Deadly Modes. He is still the master of the Gatotsu and will feel no remorse whatsoever if he accidently kills something, and that includes you.
Also, like our SETA SOUJIRO unit, your SAITOU HAJIME unit can be programmed to Slash once in Out of Character Mode. (Note: If your SAITOU HAJIME unit is set to Slash while other units are not, your SAITOU HAJIME may harm the other unit after being rejected.)
Relations to other units:
RUROUNI KENSHIN: At first meeting, your SAITOU HAJIME will try to kill your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, causing generally a big mess, and resulting in shifts to Extremely Deadly Mode almost immediately after the battle starts. However, after that first battle, the two units will get along with amazingly good grace.
SAGARA SANOSUKE: At first meeting, your SAITOU HAJIME will almost kill your SAGARA SANOSUKE unit. However, after your SAITOU HAJIME deems your SAGARA SANOSUKE unit unworthy of his time, they will get along well enough. Please note that if there is an extended amount of interaction, your SAGARA SANOSUKE unit will successfully piss off your SAITOU HAJIME unit to the point where he smacks SAGARA SANOSUKE around.
SHISHIO MAKOTO: Fighting with a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit will result in your SAITOU HAJIME unit being severely hurt, not because of his lack of skill, but rather of SHISHIO MAKOTO's attachment to his metal headband. Do not leave the two together without supervision.
USUI (MOKEN USUI): SAITOU HAJIME units do not like USUI units at all, and it will shift to Deadly/Extremely Deadly Mode almost instantly. However, SAITOU HAJIME will eventually defeat USUI units and destroy its hard drive, so, if for some strange reason you have an attachment towards your blind assassin, remember to keep these two apart.
SETA SOUJIRO: Your SAITOU HAJIME will not attack any SETA SOUJIRO units without direct knowledge of its power. Feel free to let the two sit in a room together as long as the SETA SOUJIRO is in its default mode.
MAKIMATCHI MISAO: Your SAITOU HAJIME units will generally make fun of/provoke MAKIMATCHI MISAO units to the point of attack, but your SAITOU HAJIME will be so sedated by his cigarettes that he really won't care when she does.
SHINOMORI AOSHI: SAITOU HAJIME units have neutral feelings for SHINOMORI AOSHI units, so the two will generally get along well with each other.
OKUBO: Being a superior to your SAITOU HAJIME unit, he will make sure that your SAITOU HAJIME doesn't overly provoke RUROUNI KENSHIN units.
CHO: CHO units will usually bug SAITOU HAJIME units, but really, do you think a master swordsman could be bothered by a mere sword collector?
SAITOU HAJIME units are self-cleaning, so just show it how to work modern plumbing and it will be fine. If, for some strange reason you would want to take a bath with it, just remember that he has a wife.
SAITOU HAJIME units can happily live off of cheap, easy to make soba, so even the cheapest of owners will be able to feed it. You should allow it to sleep at least a few hours a week, and if not, allow it to smoke more cigarettes.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My SAITOU HAJIME unit has been increasingly hostile and shifts to Deadly mode easily. What's wrong with it?
A: Check to see if your SAITOU HAJIME's Everlasting Box of Cigarettes© is empty and/or cracked. If so, ship that box back to us and we will happily send you a new one, free of charge.
Q: My SAITOU HAJIME unit keeps calling out "Tokio" in his sleep. Who is this Tokio person and how can I make my SAITOU HAJIME stop it?
A: Tokio is your SAITOU HAJIME's wife. However, since no one has ever seen this mysterious unit, please locate your nearest Licensed Fan-Fiction Authoress for help. If that doesn't work out, increase the number of horse tranquilizers you stab into him to keep him sedate.
Q: For some strange reason, my SAITOU HAJIME unit keeps growling at me to call him Captain and wearing these weird headbands. What's up?
A: Your SAITOU HAJIME has an infamously common "Shinsengumi Captain" glitch. To solve this problem, send an OKUBO unit to talk to your SAITOU HAJIME to believing that he is now in a new era. If you are lucky, the OKUBO unit will also offer your SAITOU HAJIME a job.
Q: After I set my SAGARA SANOSUKE and SAITOU HAJIME units together in Slash Mode, they got together. However, now they're asking for children. HELP!
A: When you let a relationship like that get of hand, the only way to get them back to their original relationship is to reboot them without their standardized "Mode" check. We suggest you knock both out and turn them on manually, then set them to their default modes. After a week, unlock SAITOU HAJIME's Out of Character mode and set your SAGARA SANOSUKE unit to its Slash mode. The relationship should start anew.
Q: My SAITOU HAJIME unit is constantly ambushed by other men who call themselves the Shinsengumi, which makes my SAITOU HAJIME very sad indeed. What's wrong and how can I get them to stop?
A: The most common reason SHINSENGUMI sets attack SAITOU HAJIME units are because they are tired of SAITOU HAJIME being known as the only Mibu Wolf. Kindly explain that to all unit owners around you, as they are probably where the problem started.
Q: My SAITOU HAJIME unit constantly bugs my RUROUNI KENSHIN unit to 'stop being a rurouni and start being hitokiri again!'. My RUROUNI KENSHIN is really distressed about this! How can I make my SAITOU HAJIME stop?
A: Allow your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit to be taught his succession technique by a HIKO SEIJURO (v. 13) unit. Afterwards, let the two have a match to show your SAITOU HAJIME unit that your RUROUNI KENSHIN can kick butt just as well as any hitokiri.
Problem: Your SAITOU HAJIME has stopped saying Aku. Soku. Zan., and is sitting listlessly around the house.
Solution: Rent a SHINSENGUMI set from us, and the old revolutionary group will make your SAITOU HAJIME not only perk up, but be more determined to slay evil swiftly! A two in one deal!
Problem: Your SAITOU HAJIME unit comes home almost dead and bleeds all over your carpet. You can't get it to wake up, no matter what.
Solution: Your SAITOU HAJIME has just fought and successfully defeated SHISHIO MAKOTO and his minions with the help of RUROUNI KENSHIN, SAGARA SANOSUKE, and SHINOMORI AOSHI units. Carefully heal your SAITOU HAJIME back to normal with the help of a Licensed Fan-
Fiction Authoress, who will create a nurse-like Tokio for you.
Problem: Your SAITOU HAJIME unit is gone, and your neighbor, who owns a RUROUNI KENSHIN and SAGARA SANOSUKE unit, has a hole in his/her house.
Solution: Your SAITOU HAJIME unit has beaten up a SAGARA SANOSUKE unit in search of the RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. However, because he likes to keep up peace, you can probably force your SAITOU HAJIME unit to fixing the wall.
Problem: Your SAITOU HAJIME unit is coughing, and is often wheezing.
Solution: Your SAITOU HAJIME unit either a) thinks it's an OKITA SOUJI unit–if so, tell him to get over it, or b) has lung cancer. If he has lung cancer, well... Serves him right for smoking pure tobacco, then.
The guarantee on the bottom of your SAITOU HAJIME unit will tell you just how many years it is insured, but with proper care and regular maintenance checks, your SAITOU HAJIME should live to a ripe old age. Remember, being a loyal law enforcer, your SAITOU HAJIME will try to 'take care' of anyone who tries to get in the way of peace. When he starts asking for black hair dye, you know it's time to buy a little place in the Bahamas and letting your SAITOU HAJIME unit to eat something other than soba.