Forever Jaded

Date: 3/30/05 (but stupid wesite wouldn't let me submit it 'till today...)

Rating: T? (The rating system is screwed up)

Pairing: Zelloyd (think about who's writing)

I shouldn't write when I'm in a bad mood. Only horrid angst such as this can come out.

Italics: flashback

Disclaimer: … I'm not even gonna bother…

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You broke me. You seduced me, loved me, lied to me, cheated on me, and then you broke me. You left me alone like a child's busted toy after you were done. I let go of my morals for you. I would of done anything for you. I gave you everything I had. My life, my feelings, my soul. Hell, I even gave you my virginity. And you enjoyed every single minute of it. You told me I was special, that you cared for me, that I shouldn't care what others thought, that I shouldn't care that loving you was wrong. And I believed you. But I was just another one of your sex partners. You, the great Zelos, wonderful Chosen of Tethe'alla, could have anyone you wanted. But you chose me. I felt so special. I knew about your past, the lying, the sleeping around, the cheating. But I didn't care. I thought that you had changed, or that I could change you. But no, I couldn't. No one could.

I remember the night you told me you loved for me. It was late, and it was cold. You offered to keep me warm. I didn't see anything wrong with that, just you holding me. Nothing perverse, just both of us a cold. So I let you. And I regret it. It was innocent at first; you nuzzled my neck slightly and blew on my ear. I had never had felt things like this before, so it was new and strange. And I remember very specifically how it went.

"Hey, Lloyd?"

"What?"

"I have to tell you something."

"What is it?"

Pause.

"What is it Zelos?"

"I think I love you."

Silence and pure shock on my part.

"W-what?"

"I said I loved you."

"But guys can't love each other…"

"Yes they can. People just say they can't because they don't like it."

"Oh, okay."

Silence.

"I… I think I love you too, then."

And I did actually have feelings for you, I just hadn't realised it before. I just thought you were a good friend. But it was love. It was an innocent, childlike love for me, and dark, lusty love for you. You kissed after this was said and done. Not an innocent, happy kiss, but a wanton, desire filled kiss. I had pulled myself away, surprised that anyone could do things like that. And I knew you wanted more, I could tell by the evil, seductive look on your face, and the lusty sheen in your eyes. I had fallen asleep in your arms that night, happy because we were in love (or so I thought), and confused on why I was feeling these things.

---

It wasn't until later, maybe a week; you showed me the true pleasures of the human body. I was so new and scared, confused by my body's reaction to your touching, your closeness. But you told me it was normal and that I should enjoy it. You didn't comfort me. Even after I was with you, even if it felt so right, I always felt guilty and dirty. I'd lie awake and stare at the ceiling, part of me content and happy that you were next to me, the other part scared and ashamed, even disgusted by it. I'd cry sometimes, too. But you never noticed. Maybe it was because I never cried loud enough to wake you; maybe it was because you didn't know. And even if you had known, would you have even cared?

---

But that wasn't the worst part of it. No, that wasn't even close. The worst part is when you left me. Well, you didn't exactly leave me, but you ignored me. You found other people who were more interesting and fun to play around with. It hurt me so much when you kissed those other girls. And when I confronted you about this, the cheating and leaving me alone, you just brushed it off, acted like it was nothing. The memory's still fresh in my mind.

"Zelos, why don't you want to be with me anymore?"

"Hm? I still want to be with you."

"No, you don't. You want to be with all those girls."

"Yeah, so?"

"…"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"But, I thought you said you loved me…"

"Yeah, and?"

"And if you're in love, you're only supposed to be with one person."

"…"

"You don't love me, do you?"

"…"

"So you lied to get me into bed?"

"I wouldn't call it lying, I mean, love can be interpreted in different ways…"

You don't love me. You never did. You used me for your own pleasure, not caring about the consequences. And now I'm jaded because of you. You took my trust and you lost it. Betraying me is one thing, but this, this is entirely something else. You tricked me. You took everything away from me.

---

"Um… Lloyd…?"

Oh, great. It's you. I ran after all was said an done, but you just had to come and find me.

"Have you come back to try to seduce me again?"

"Listen, Lloyd, I didn't think you actually loved me…"

I bristle at this comment. You look slightly taken back.

"You didn't think I loved you? I gave you everything! And I'll never get any of it back! Because I can't ever get back my first kiss or my virginity, now can I?"

You look hurt by these comments, even though we both know they're true.

"I'm sorry…"

I turn away from you, not letting you see the tears that well up in my eyes. You leave quietly.

---

I know what's going through your head. You think that I'll tell everyone. I won't. Besides the fact that I being gay would disgust them, they'd be mad at you. I don't want them to be mad at you. Even though I don't want to, I still love you. I hate you for what you did, but I still love you. And because I love you, I'll be forever jaded.

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Angst with out fluff. Rejoice. I know I said not to expect anything for a while, but I wrote this on a whim. I've been all angsty and depressed lately, so only fluffless-angst can come forth. My angst isn't like this (thank God), but I just needed to write some one-sided Zelloyd. Now review, and don't tell me it sucks without giving a reason (cough)lordofshadows(cough). And depressing angst has past. Rejoice. Oh, and it's occured to me that I haven'tgiven my proofreader, sirhcnotilih, enough credit, so thanks for proofreading all my stories from 'Trickster's Encounter' and up (excluding 'A Cold Night').