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Wish for Spring
By mocha
Disclaimers, Warnings, and Whatnot: DNAngel belongs to other people, not me. Satoshi/Daisuke yaoi, little bit of angst and a ton of psychological themes and symbolism. Do enjoy.
That was an easy question for him. It was winter, obviously. Winter was the only time when emptiness consumed his surroundings. Everything was cold and nothing was there. Life would die around him and he would stare in amazement, wondering what it was like to completely freeze up and have his soul shatter into tiny snowflakes for others to pick up and gaze at the unique patterns in the crystals. Sometimes he craved to join them and float down to the earth without a care. There was no light to violate his thoughts and drive him into the mad, icy reality he was forced to face in the winter. Or so he wished.
Satoshi loved the winter because nothing was there. Winter came to cover all in its blizzard…except him.
“Come on, it’s the first day of spring!”
Satoshi moved his sight to the boy. He was lightly walking along the sidewalk, occasionally stopping to admire the newly-sprouted plants along the side. The park was bursting with rainbow-bright flowers that reached up, wanting to touch the sun. They could never touch the sun, though, but the boy reached down for them and caressed their silky petals. The flowers melted in his warm touch and found that stretching towards the sun would no longer be necessary.
“Everything is so alive,” the boy continued, taking his hand away from the flowers. The stems wobbled and waved goodbye to their new source of sunlight. “New birds and flowers are being born. There are always so many new things to adore. Lovely, isn’t it?”
He pranced off the sidewalk and danced around a small tree, looking for bird nests. A cheer of victory passed his lips when he spotted a bushel of twigs on a low branch. Satoshi followed, feeling unsure on how to react to the waves of new life happening around him. It all seemed to taunt him, saying “We’re alive, we’ve been given new life, so why are you still dead?”
Why indeed, he mused while watching the boy pause and pick something up from the ground. He cradled the object in his hands and danced back to Satoshi.
“Look what I found!” he said, opening his hands. A small blue-speckled sphere was nestled in his palms. He smiled at his find, glad to be its savior. “A robin’s egg. It must have fallen from its nest.”
He carefully handed it to Satoshi and told him to feel the texture. It was a little rough and bumpy, but the egg felt warm and seemed to beat with new life that waited patiently for freedom. His hands shook when he noticed this. It didn’t make any sense. How could it be alive when it hadn’t even hatched yet? A non-living bird was beating him in the forsaken game of life. Everything was alive, and he wasn’t. He had nothing to give him life.
His hands curled around the egg. The boy cried out in warning, but his reaction was too late. The egg had already cracked.
Satoshi dropped the broken shells and watched the yolk slide down his hands and fall into the grass. He felt somewhat triumphant for taking the bird’s chance in life away, but it still didn’t change the soulless aura in him. One less robin would fly in the spring wind. One less thing would thrive in color. One less thing would be alive, just like him.
The boy bent down to pick up the blue shells. He held one fragment up in front of his face and squinted an eye.
“This shell is the same color of your eyes.” A smile. “Perhaps nothing in spring is lost.”
He then tossed the shell up into the air, allowing it to fly. It did not matter that the yolk would never transform; the bird would still fly. Even though its life was taken, it would still bask in the warmth of the sunlight.
Daisuke ran away in the spring breeze, leaving Satoshi underneath the tree. Yellow yolk was still smeared all over his hands, but the color showed that it still was strong with life. Daisuke spun around briefly to wave at him, bearing a smile that seemed to match with the colors. Then he disappeared from sight, leaving behind rays of sunlight and a pair of robins in his wake.
Suddenly, spring seemed brighter.
“You’re missing all the fun!” Satoshi stumbled when Daisuke tugged at his hand, urging him to run faster. Laughter was caught in the air and carried by the wind. Daisuke was taking him somewhere, some place away from his darkened room that begged the sun to leave it alone. ‘Because you’re my friend,’ was Daisuke’s reason. So simple and impacting to hear from him.
They were at the park again, which was filled with excitement from the change in seasons. Children flocked by the fountain, splashing water in friendly fights and lying on the grass to get a tan. Daisuke’s sandals smacked some stray water and left footprints in the path he took. Satoshi followed the footprints, but the summer heat dried the water quickly. The path disappeared, leaving him lost between the noise from the children and the spray of the fountain. Lost and helpless. He always ended up being lost and helpless.
His steps slowed as the heat embraced his sweating body. The temperature was getting to him more easily than usual. His vision was blurred and he felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest. A hand clutched over the beating in surprise. He never knew he had a heartbeat.
A pair of butterflies flew around his head for a moment before taking off in the gentle wind. They twirled around each other in an exotic dance and landed on a batch of flowers next to the sidewalk. There were the same flowers who wished for the sun last spring, but now they were dried up. Take in too much of something and it will possess you, Satoshi always believed. He crept closer to the dead flowers, causing the butterflies to flee. Stay away from everything and you will survive. Live on your own and you will be strong. Always, always…be alone…so nothing can take you over-
“Flowers always get such a short life.” Satoshi jumped at the familiar voice behind him. Daisuke’s hand reached out to touch the flowers, but instead of them leaning forward to feel his warmth, they crinkled into brown crisps. He pulled his hand back and brushed away a few dead, dried pieces on his fingertips.
“When I was little,” said Daisuke, “I always hated how summer would dry up flowers like this. I wanted them to live forever so everyone could enjoy their colors, but by the time spring passed, the plants changed.”
As he spoke, his shoulder inched closer to Satoshi’s and his voice hushed down to a melodic whisper. Another heartbeat occurred, and for a brief second, Satoshi thought he was alive.
“Whenever the flowers died, I became depressed. I was then forced to wait for another year to pass to be able to see more flowers. It wasn’t until I picked up a few dead leaves when I realized that life happens with death.”
Daisuke pushed away the flowers’ brown stems and mushy petals to reveal a set of tiny, green sprigs popping out from the soil. In less than a week, they would rise up in place of the old flowers and show a new set of colors to last through the summer. Satoshi bent down to touch the sprigs, feeling a set of heartbeats rush between his fingertips and the new-born plants. A sign of new life.
Contented laughter was lifted into the breeze again and mixed with the sounds of the children in the water. Some small robins flew around a nearby tree and the butterflies created dancing shadows in the sunlight. Daisuke’s shoulder was completely pressed against his now, also sharing his own heartbeats with the sprigs.
“See? Everything is still alive.”
Another thump in the chest brought him closer to death, but closer to life as well.
Suddenly, summer seemed warmer.
But another idea invaded his thoughts while walking to school in a sea of dying leaves. There always seemed to be a single leaf that hung onto its tree, refusing to let go of its humble perch until snow caused it to collapse. The tree would then have a companion to hold on to for the first few weeks of winter. Even then, the leaf wouldn’t drop without a fight.
He supposed that Daisuke saw it like that, too. He climbed the stairs to the school roof while musing on what the redhead might say to that. He might explain how the colors symbolize a change in people, or how one can make music by crunching leaves underneath their feet.
Or maybe, Satoshi thought when he opened the door to the roof, he’ll say that the last leaf on a tree means something deeper than autumn itself…
“Look at all the leaves!” Crunching noises woke Satoshi into the present. He looked down and saw assorted leaves crinkle under his shoes, which probably landed onto the roof from the wind. Most of the sounds were coming from Daisuke, who danced around the rooftop smashing every leaf in his path. The colors of brown, gold and red matched with Daisuke’s eye color and appeared to glow with the effects from the late-morning sun. Satoshi took a deep breath when a heartbeat shook his chest. He was still not used to the feeling of having a pumping heart. He couldn’t help it though, when he noticed that his eyes matched robin’s eggs and Daisuke’s eyes matched autumn leaves. Another beat jumped when he wondered if the redhead thought the same analogy.
Daisuke slowed his joyful ballet and came towards Satoshi, taking his hands. He guided them to the middle of the leafy pile, sat down and rested his body against the cool rooftop and reddish-brown colors. Satoshi gripped onto a handful of leaves when he saw the perfect portrait of autumn hues before him.
Deep, auburn eyes turned to him, followed by a lazy smile. “Have you ever cloud-gazed before?”
A shake of the head. Daisuke raised an arm to the sky and pointed at a fluffy cloud. “That one there – it looks like dragon.”
His arm tilted. “That’s an ice cream cone. And over there is a ship. And that one looks like…well, a cloud.”
He laughed and continued to interpret clouds when Satoshi joined him on the floor. The blue-haired boy kept his head and shoulder close to Daisuke’s so he could drown in the harmony of his voice. Red hair tickled his cheek. He inched closer.
“A cat.”
A little bit closer.
“A lollipop, perhaps.” Daisuke put his hand down. Closer still. “A butterfly…”
His breath quickened. Red hair now tickled Satoshi’s neck. “And that one…” Daisuke closed his eyes, trying to calm his lungs. “That one looks like…”
“Angel wings,” was the reply. Daisuke craned his neck upwards and felt a shoulder graze against his cheek. Satoshi shifted uncomfortably and looked to the side.
“They look like angel wings,” he repeated. “The bottom frills out like feathers and the top is hunched.”
“Mm…they do look like wings.” Daisuke closed his eyes again, completely relaxing his body. “Beautiful, too…”
A short gust blew more dying leaves onto the roof, with a couple landing on top of the two. Satoshi picked one up and held the earth colors against the sunlight. Another leaf abandoned its tree, wanting to run from winter. It was a coward, but so was he. He was a lonely tree awaiting the freezing temperatures and nothingness of winter. No leaf would stay attached to his branches this fall.
Satoshi’s eyes lowered. Daisuke was still comfortably nestled between his neck and shoulder, with soft breaths escaping his mouth. Crumpled leaves embraced their bodies and did not move when the wind blew. Even when he nudged his shoulder, Daisuke refused to move from his warm perch.
Satoshi gave up and rested his head onto the concrete. He caught another leaf that flew by and pressed it against his lips, breathing in the earthy scent. A dead leaf it was, but not rotting.
Autumn was a world of changing colors. The transformations in the leaves brought changes in people, too. As the leaves left their homes, people also left behind objects of the past. It was time for a different approach in life…a different outlook on what was out to see in the world. He smiled. Yes, that was something Daisuke would say. A change throughout the world as the clouds rolled by…
He let the leaf go and rested between his own pile of red leaves that stubbornly stayed by his side, even through the winter.
Suddenly, autumn seemed more colorful.
His favorite season had come, and he absorbed every detail of it. The unceasing silence and loneliness would easily drive anyone insane, but not he. He savored each moment of winter. This was how he lived – alone. No one was there to distract him. No person would bother him. Nothing was there in the winter.
And yet, something was there in the winter. Such a small thing that he might had never noticed if he kept waiting for winter to come.
Daisuke’s hands slid down his back, tugging him closer. Satoshi gave in to the golden warmth and kissed behind the redhead’s ear, then down to his neck, then down to his collarbone. Daisuke’s gasps filled the silence that usually took possession of Satoshi’s room during the winter, but this one would be unlike all the other seasons. This year, he wasn’t alone.
Satoshi was becoming used to the constant beating of his heart. His chest seemed to race more everyday. It confused him at first, but the beats were happening so often now that it turned into a second-nature incident. It was hard to believe, though, that his heart could race even faster, as it was now. Judging by the light flush and irregular pants coming from Daisuke, the boy must have been feeling the same speedy thumps in his chest.
The redhead’s hands were embracing him and sending heat through his body. Satoshi shuddered from the affectionate touches and felt the winter’s snow around him melt into spring water. Frost kissed the windows and a small pile of snow bordered the windowpanes. The room glowed blue from the healthy snowfall, setting unique shades and patterns on Daisuke’s skin. Satoshi’s eyes fluttered and his heart skipped a beat. A sensation of being alive swept through him.
Daisuke pulled him down for another kiss. Wet, heated lips met and Satoshi tried to suck the life out of them, the antithesis of winter itself. Daisuke’s hands were tangled in his hair, clinging to his shirt, embracing his torso in a desperate grasp…still, the snow continued to freeze the earth, but his heart refused to stop.
Is this what it feels like to be alive? Satoshi let the other’s lips go for a moment and gazed at Daisuke’s face. Red eyes opened at the loss of warmth and blinked lazily at him. Daisuke looked so relaxed in his grasp. He expected the boy to be depressed because all of spring’s flowers were now dead and frozen. He thought he would sigh in dismay to see no spurting fountains or butterflies floating in the summer wind. He believed that he would be sad to notice that all the trees were now lonely and anguished to see that all the leaves it produced had abandoned it to die a frozen death in the soil. But no, Daisuke was here with him, showing the blue-haired boy that winter wasn’t about being alone.
Satoshi picked up new sounds he never knew existed. The sounds of children were coming from outside the frost-bitten windows. They squealed in the excited play of throwing snowballs and making angels in the snow. The younger ones would run around with their tongues hanging out in hopes of catching snowflakes, while the older ones would hike to the top of a hill and slide down on their sleds.
Was winter always this lively? Satoshi grew up thinking that the ice drove everyone away, but he could hear people cheering outside. There were people out there. Something was there in the winter.
He kissed Daisuke’s neck and slid a hand up the boy’s shirt. A soft sound joined the other carefree noises outside in the snow.
“Satoshi…”
Yes, something was actually there. He kissed Daisuke’s lips again, just to be sure that it wasn’t a cruel dream. A smile formed on the other’s mouth and sweet breaths echoed through. Satoshi gasped and felt that emotion again – a sense of living. Daisuke’s smile grew and completely melted the winter’s snow.
And suddenly…winter seemed less lonely.
“Are you alive?”
His heart pumped.
Satoshi strolled along the sidewalk and gazed at the reaching flowers. No god would save them this year, but he couldn’t blame them for wanting to touch the sun. A thin streak of sunlight was all it took to make the flowers swoon in the spring air.
He crouched down to get a closer look at the bright petals. Yellow, magenta, white and red smiled up at him, welcoming him to spring. Satoshi held out a shaking hand and slowly allowed his fingers to caress the soft petals. He believed that the flowers would recoil at his cold touch, or perhaps rot into brown crisps and fall away from the sun they desired to feel. But instead, they stretched further up and kissed the life racing through his fingertips.
He lifted his hand and saw the flowers wave at him. They found another source of light to admire this season.
“Come on, it’s the first day of spring!”
Familiar hands grasped his and Satoshi stumbled when they pulled. Daisuke held his grip firmly and dragged Satoshi around the park, pointing out the colorful flowers and birds learning how to fly. Children were out playing in the new weather and absorbing every little thing that spring offered them.
Is this what it meant to be alive? To indulge in one’s surroundings and fly freely with them? Nothing in the world was that important to Satoshi, so what was it that gave him life?
Another tug of the hand made him notice that Daisuke had brought him to a tree. The boy’s red eyes lit up when he saw a small bundle of twigs on a low branch. Faint shades of blue could be seen between the twigs and a few brown heads popped out from the top. Chirping sounds slipped out along with other noises coming from children, birds and bees.
Daisuke still held his hand, refusing to let go like the last leaf in autumn. It felt strange to Satoshi, but he could deal with it. The hot sun was shining brightly upon them, but he could deal with it. And the grins Daisuke kept directing at him that were more intense than the colors of spring itself…well, he could deal with that, too. Satoshi brought Daisuke’s hand to his lips and kissed the warm flesh. A burst of spring’s aura enveloped him and his heart raced in joy. Truly, nothing is lost in the spring.
The nest full of new-born robins chirped above their heads and the flowers’ petals fluttered in the breeze. But the most evident of all was Daisuke, smiling and laughing while dancing in the rays of the sun. Satoshi’s heart thumped softly and spread life in his body. And still, Daisuke continued to revel in the spring.
So this is what it feels like to be alive.
Suddenly, he wished it would stay spring forever.
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