Title: Intoxicated

Author: shakeahand55

Rating: T

Summary: Ok this is the lsat chapter! “I know what you thinking El” she said “how out of character for Olivia Benson…but I’m so tired” she said picking up her cup and bringing it with her to the couch, he followed behind her.

Disclaimer: I don’t own them and I never will as they belong to TPTB, those lucky ducks! I don’t own any of the songs I’ve used in this story either, they belong to the people who wrote them!

Olivia rolled over and with a sigh sat up, she had been laying there trying to get back to sleep for a while.

She didn’t actually know how long as Elliot had taken her alarm clock, but she couldn’t get back to sleep no matter what she did and it felt like she had been trying for hours.

She pushed the covers off herself giving up on going back to sleep and stood up, she jumped and felt goose bumps pop up all over her body as her feet touched the cool floor of her bedroom.

She felt like crap and knew she would look like it too when she looked into a mirror, and she knew she couldn’t show up to work looking as bad as she felt.

She stood looking out her bedroom window for a few minutes listening to Elliot snoring before moving and making her way to the bathroom for a shower.

She stared the water and then made sure it was hot enough then went to the hall to get a towel, and then coming back into the bathroom she closed the door behind herself.

Stripping off her clothes before climbing into the tub and pulling the curtain shut behind her, she smiled as she felt the hot water hit her chilled body.

She stood under the water, letting it beat off her tired body for a few minutes before she moved to reach for the shampoo to wash her hair.

Her hair done, next she reached for the body wash and started to lather up her hands before running them over her body, she loved how good this made her feel no matter how crappy she felt.

“Mmm” she smiled as she started to heat up, she felt a whole lot better but she knew after she left the warmth of the shower, everything would hit her again.

Everything from their latest case, to everything she told Elliot last night and having to see Huang to sorting everything out about her life in general.

However, for now she did not care and felt like everything was going down the drain with the soapy water at her feet.

After she was totally washed she turned off the tap and pushed the curtain aside she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself.

She stepped out onto the floor and proceeded to dry herself before she opened the door, the steam following her out into the hallway.

Moving to her room to get dressed she dropped her towel and started to put her clothes on, followed by combing her hair.

Then she moved back to the bathroom to clean up the water on the floor and put the dirty towels and her dirty clothes into the hamper.

She closed the curtain then moved to the sink to brush her teeth, glad that she felt clean everywhere, because last night talking to Elliot she didn’t feel clean.

She knew how rape victims didn’t feel clean, but abuse victims didn’t feel all that clean either, but in a different sense then the rape victims.

She didn’t think that when Huang had asked her what she meant by feeling dirty, she had explained it good enough, but she knew he understood her, but she wasn’t sure she understood herself.

“I don’t feel clean…I know rape victims, they are always saying how they feel dirty, but I feel dirty too.” Olivia said as she sat on the couch across from Huang in his office.

She looked around her, anywhere but look at him as she spoke “can you tell me why you feel dirty Olivia?” he asked her, his voice helping to keep her calm.

“All the names she would call me before, during or after she would hit me, your nothing but a bitch, your stupid, a pain in my ass, you wrecked my life you worthless bitch, you’ll never do anything but cause people pain. George, even after all these years I can still hear her voice.”

Olivia said before biting her cheek, she had told herself many times that she wasn’t going to cry here.

After 5 minutes of thinking and just staring at him she spoke again.

“All that booze, I probably smelled like I was the one drinking all the time…I had to clean up so much of her vomit I think that smell was permanently attached to me” she looked over his shoulder at a poster on the wall.

“If it wasn’t her blood on me, it was my own…most times it was my own of course, her having learned ways to not make her hands bleed when she hit me.”

“She’d use her fists, broken bottles, books, pots or pans… anything she could get her hands on if she didn’t want any blood on her clean hands” she never noticed as she started to play with her purse strap as the tears rolled down her face.

“Sometimes she would slap me hard and I would fall onto the coffee table, the edge of the counter or anything that was b me, splitting my head open and knocking myself out…doing her job for her, and all she did was slap me” she wiped the tears away, her voice wispy.

“Your stupid, you know that Olivia? Can’t even do a load of laundry correct, you had to go and fuck up my good shirt because your stupid fucking little head doesn’t know how to change a dial from cold to hot!” she tensed as if hit, George watched worried about her, but knowing all this would help her in the end.

“I know she was right…” she trailed off sniffing and looking down at her feet, her eyes tracing shapes in the light blue carpet.

“Those things she said to you Olivia, they hurt you and made you believe her.” She looked up at him as he spoke.

“You believed that all you did was cause people pain, and that you were worthless and stupid…but you know none of that’s true?” he watched her as if waiting for a nod from her, he knew he wouldn’t get one, not yet at least.

“You are an amazing woman, your bright, successful, you finished not only high school but collage and the police academy as well making you a NYPD Detective.”

“and you’ve got a lot of good friends who love you and would do anything for you, and I know you would do anything, and have done, for them” he said, seeing how her eyes lit up a little as he said how amazing she was and how much she had done in her life.

“You think your dirty because you can still feel the blood, smell the booze and vomit,” he said, she nodded, he gave a sad smile.

“You may think you’re dirty, but your not” George watched as she shifted her purse from her left hand to her right and back again for the 6th time.

“I still feel everything…I don’t know…when will I feel better? When will the smell...the sounds, the feeling…when will it all go away?” she asked him, her eyes watery with new unshed tears.

“You have to talk. Talk to me, to Elliot, Casey” he said eyeing her, he knew she told Casey as she’s her only woman friend and women have close bonds, that and she told him after she got here.

He was happy she told Casey, and now she’s talking to him, and he knew once she spoke to Elliot she would feel a bit better, but she would never really feel better all the way, because the one person she needed to talk to was dead and had been for 4 and a half years.

Olivia wiped her eyes as she though about that night in George’s office, she spent a good 2 hours talking to him.

However, for the first 30 minutes he just asked her about work and everything but the reason why she was there, so they could slowly work there way into talking about the big stuff, which he knew, would be hard for her.

She smiled, she was lucky she had such great friends; she smiled as she looked into the mirror before walking out of the bathroom and heading to the kitchen.

“Hello and good morning to all of you off to work on this bright and sunny Friday morning.” Olivia turned on the radio and turned it down so it did not wake up Elliot, who was still asleep on the couch.

She noticed he did not look very comfortable with his legs hanging off, but what did he expect, he was at least one foot longer then the couch!

She shook her head with a small smile before turning back to the kettle and getting down two mugs and putting some coffee in them both.

“Traffic is coming up in the next 10 minutes but it’s time for some early morning requests. So here’s a song that was requested by Joanne Brown, so here it is for you Joanne, Smile by Josh Groban here on KLPC 99.9FM, New York’s number one hit station!” the radio DJ said, her bright and cheery voice making Olivia want to toss the radio out of the living room window.

“Great, god I hate cherry morning people” she said to herself as she leaned on the counter watching the kettle boil.

She was listening to the deep voice as he sang and she smiled closing her eyes “mm what a voice” she said happily.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by

She closed her eyes as they started to sting, all that crying she did not only last night, but for the passed week had wiped her out and hurt, not only emotionally but physically as well.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

“Right, like anything is going to go away magically today and be all fine and dandy and I won’t feel this way if I smile,” she said running a hand through her hair “god I’m being foolish, this is only a song” she said shaking her head.

“This guy is nuts…” she trailed off as she listened to his voice echo through her apartment, along with Elliot’s snores and the sound of the kettle.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

She never noticed that the snoring stopped, the words were the only thing getting through to her fogged up brain.

If you just smile
When there are clouds in the sky
You’ll get by if you smile
And maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness

She jumped when she felt hands on her shoulders “hey, it’s only me” Elliot said as he let his hands drop from her shoulders, he felt bad, he knew she might react like that.

“Alright come on sleepy head, you gotta get changed or we’ll be late” she said quickly before he could say anything about her jumping.

“Ahh, ‘Liv I gotta tell you something about that” she nodded and then shushed him as the singing continued.

Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

“You know, for just a song this guy may have hit home for a few people” she said forgetting Elliot was standing behind her.

He smiled, letting it slip as he watched her pour the water into the mugs before steering them and getting the sugar and milk and putting them into their respective cups.

“Ok” she smiled, but he could still see the tiredness in her eyes, he knew talking was hard, but in the end he best thing for victims for abuse, rape or any other crime.

“Ok what did you need to talk about before I told you to shut up so I could hear the rest of the song?” Olivia asked wrapping her hands around the steaming cup as she leaned on the counter, Elliot beside her.

“I ahh…I phoned Cragen last night…mm I…I asked him if we could take today for a sick day, you and I” he said before looking at her, he could see her sigh, as if she had wanted to not go to work today.

“I know what you thinking El” she said “how out of character for Olivia Benson…but I’m so tired” she said picking up her cup and bringing it with her to the couch, he followed behind her.

“I’m just so tired” he took a drink, the hot liquid helping to wake him up “so your not mad?” he asked.

She looked at him and let out a laugh “mad? Well maybe a little, I mean I don’t have anything other then work, but if you’re going to be here then I guess it’s alright.”

“Anyway, I didn’t feel like I could handle anything today…what if a victim came in telling us how her mom was abusive…I would probably break down, look like a total idiot and be forced to come home, all the while being embarrassed as hell” she said smiling as he yawned.

“Not get a good sleep?” she asked as he through her a look “no, you need a bigger couch” he said rubbing his neck.

She laughed again “it your fault for being so tall, don’t go blaming my couch. I told you to come shopping with me that day, but no you were to busy sleeping, so it your own fault” she said looking at him before taking another drink from her cup.

“Mmm coffee” she said closing her eyes, she know he was trying to help her forget about everything, and even if it was only for a few hours she would forever be grateful.

“Ok…you wanna catch some sleep in me bed? I can run down to the store and pick up something for breakfast” he shook his head.

“Nah, let me jump in the shower throw my clean clothes on then we can head out for the day, after all it is out day off” he said eyeing her.

He wanted to let her have some fun today before they went back to work tomorrow, because he knew she was going to see Haung if she got some time tomorrow and it would be hard for her.

“Alright” she said, thinking along the lines Elliot was, wanting to have some fun before returning to the hell of work and maybe a visit with Haung tomorrow, so she wanted to have something fun to look back onto to help her smile and not cry.

After they finished their coffee Elliot had his shower, got dressed and within 30 minutes of her first coming into the kitchen after waking up they were leaving her house, for a day of fun taking their cell phones with them.

THE END