Of Sword and Sheath

Author: pratz

Disclaimer: all hail Kamijyo-sensei, will you?

Notes: I offer you the longest and also the last chapter. For all readers, especially JiriToshirou, Kaori, A lilmatchgirl, Kohaku Kawa, Swirly, BiNeko (yuya-sama), Haein, Nobody special, Hyper Kid, .waffles, pinksnow, Aeternus-Spes, orisantihope (also on LJ), Crimson Kaoru, Arugentine and dearest Tora Macaw (whose patience in fic-writing is stunning), I send my deepest gratitude and appreciation. It's been my pleasure to finally finish this fic, considering that I don't really have the kick to write multi-chaptered fic lately—aside from Athrun-related fic. Now off to the fic you go. Thank you! Until we meet again!

P.S.: and I just can't help the epilogue. I have to put it there. Slap me.

"I will be your sword."

"Sasuke has to realize his place. He has to. Or else, he'll lose everything."

"How could Father let you merely be his sword, Sasuke-san, when you are worth more than that?"

Chapter 3 of 3

Sasuke sometimes wondered what the point in visiting a grave was. As time went by, the corpse would no longer be there. Death was very powerful that it would leave nothing behind for the people who had lost their beloved to its claim. It was only the memories they had, though even memories would fade as age consumed people's time.

Yet here he was today, before a grave that bore the same name like his own.

Sasuke knew that, of course, the first Sarutobi Sasuke's body was not there beneath the cold earth. Heck, he was the one who witnessed the man's death back then. The Sanadas built the grave to honour the late man under the very tree that held so much memory for Yukimura and the other member of the Ten. Your name is your fate, Onime no Kyou once said, and often Sasuke questioned himself whether he would share the first Sarutobi Sasuke's fate.

"I don't know how you can do it, Shindara," he mumbled. I don't know how you can bear being with Yukimura, with all of his perpetual lack of common sense. I don't know how you can bear his view of you when he thought you've taken the Mibu's side. I don't know how you can stand it when you know you've been replaced.

"Come, Sasuke. You can follow this Sanada Yukimura, and together we will fly to the infinite sky."

The voice from long ago still sounded clear in his ear, its echo and the emotion inside it never changing. The sentiment hurt, and his sympathy towards the first Sarutobi Sasuke only added to the hurt. From guardian to friends to lover and finally to enemy; how could he not think of himself being in the first Sarutobi Sasuke's place now that he had walked on the same likely path? Apart from the being-an-enemy department, it seemed that they shared the same fate, really.

But I will never be Yukimura's enemy, Sasuke thought. I'll die first even before I have the chance to leave him. I choose to stay with him.

Yet, indeed, the thought of himself being replaced hurt the worst.

His only functional hand for now, the one being in a cast, stretched to rest atop the grave. The stone felt cold under his palm. Sasuke closed his eyes, praying for a while. I know you're watching us from wherever you're now, Shindara, so please don't let me disappoint him.

"Sasuke-san!"

From the corner of an eye, he could see Daisuke jogging to get him. The boy seemed to be a little out of breath. Not because of exhaustion it seemed, though.

"Sasuke-san," the boy began, "please return. You've worried us by leaving your room without notice."

"I'm perfectly capable to move on my own," he replied, a bit offended. "Did something happen?"

Daisuke shook his head. "It's just that this is the first time I see Father being angry at Saizou-san twice in a row."

A frown came to sight between Sasuke's eyebrows. Yukimura? Being angry twice in a row? And at Saizou—of all people? Now this is new. "And how does that concern me?"

"It does concern you," Daisuke stated. "I'm still on my detention, you know, and I'll be very thankful if you'd follow me to come back."

Yukimura was there on the doorstep as they both reached the Sanada temporary base in Mount Kudo, his figure strangely dark and very intimidating to all who saw. Saizou sat rigidly behind Yukimura, and Kosuke next to him.

Daisuke gave a small bow to his father. "Father."

"Thank you, Daisuke." But even the thin smile on Yukimura's lip could not erase the tension bleeding from his figure, filling the room with similar tension. "For now, please leave us two. I have something to discuss with Sasuke."

If anything, Yukimura's tone worried Sasuke. To him, it looked like the words were all forced out to sound flat and calm. More so, the fact that the man was not beaming goofily like he always did added to Sasuke's worry.

Saizou, he noticed, left with an apologetic glance at him.

"If you want to talk to me, why don't you come to fetch me yourself? I know you know where I could possibly be." Then, he added, "There's no need to lash out at Saizou, you know."

Yukimura still stood on his place, as if waiting for Sasuke to come closer to him. "Daisuke told you?"

He shrugged and was paid when his shoulder throbbed faintly, reminding him of his still healing injuries. "A bit. But I can guess the rest."

"Why, Sasuke, I wonder how you can guess my—as you say—lashing out at Saizou but," Yukimura paused, fixing his gaze at Sasuke, "cannot guess at all what I mean when I told you to rest."

A jagged pain bloomed in Sasuke's stomach, but he forced it down before it had a chance to crawl up his throat.

Yukimura continued, still in that flat and cold tone that Sasuke despised. "I was angry at Saizou because he let you come in touch with Beni—Hidetada while you're in a mission to guard Daisuke. Also, I was angry because he let you walk around while you're supposed to stay in bed. Why don't you understand when all I want is not to let you hurt yourself?"

Already knowing what Yukimura would have to say, Sasuke had guessed misery to come from inside him. He, too, had guessed disappointment again. After all, those kinds of emotions were familiar to him ever since his relation with Yukimura grew strained.

But he had never guessed so much anger.

"What makes you think I can't handle a small problem of having a small walk?" he shot back, a little heated than it was supposed to be, but it was enough to make Yukimura flinch although his master tried to hide it. "I've survived the Red King conquest. I've survived many of the Tokugawa invasions. I returned your son without any scratch, and I returned alive. I am not a weakling."

"I know you aren't." The older man got to his feet. "But I've told you before; there's time when you have to listen to me. It's not that difficult, isn't it?"

Gritting his teeth, Sasuke stood his ground. "Weren't you the one who told me I can do what I want to do as long as I am loyal to you?"

"This isn't time for such debate, damn it!" Yukimura rarely cursed, so when he did, he must have meant it. Sasuke could feel the lump of emotion he had tried to suppress crawl back to his throat, constricting it. "What did you think you're doing when you visited Hidetada? I know you're confident in your strength, but didn't you think you'd endanger Daisuke, Saizo, and yourself?"

"Tora is my friend," Sasuke countered back through gritted teeth, considering how he could hurt Yukimura back. An eye for an eye, Yukimura. It was so low of him—to his master nevertheless, but he could not help it. "Unlike someone who just had happened to tell me that Tora is the shogun after years, I can trust him." (1)

And that certain expression dawned again.

Sasuke hated it. He hated the way Yukimura could make him want to double over and curl himself on the floor just by displaying such expression on his face; a perfect mix of denial, frustration, insecurity, disappointment—I disappoint him again, Shindara—and, above all, hurt.

"And what makes you think," Yukimura evened his voice, now once again so empty, unyielding to the very emotions Sasuke knew raging inside him, "I would believe that you're there as a friend of only Benitora?"

That accusation hurt the most. Sasuke could feel his blood boiling with anger, something hot and painful prickling at the corner of his eyes. Were the tough years of his serving not enough to prove his loyalty? Was his endless devotion not enough to make Yukimura at last have a little faith in him?

Sasuke could not think more clearly than ever.

"I am terribly sorry for making you doubt me, Yukimura-sama." He took a temporary halt for some seconds, sickly enjoying the may Yukimura's face twisted deeper in pain. He had never, ever called Yukimura properly with any title of honour the way a ninja should regard his master, not even if his life depended on it. "It was solely my responsibility, and have I failed you, I am ready to atone for it."

He could not remember turning his back to Yukimura and leaving, but he took no heed to care.

"I guess this is the worst fight you've ever had with Father, am I right, Sasuke-san?"

"What do you want?" From his place on the tree branch, he could feel the young heir watch him solemnly. Of all people, why did it have to be Daisuke who came to him? I'm stuck in a restless household with people keep sticking their nose in my problem, he groaned mentally. And here I am, going to be preached by my self-appointed source of problems.

"Before that, should I come to sit beside you or you come down here?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes in annoyance, though the heir could not see the mocking gesture. Any ways, Daisuke would have a talk with him—and that was final. Why aren't I surprised, eh, brat? You're his son, after all. Then he hopped down from his sitting place, and the next second he was standing beside Daisuke, looking perfectly composed.

Daisuke smiled. "Thank you."

In the Code of Bushi, there was a rule for disloyalty: to atone it by death. Sasuke had long known the rule even before he entered the Sanada household. A bushi must decide the path of life he would choose and walk upon for the rest of his life. Not too different from the life of a ninja, Sasuke thought. It's just that ninjas aren't supposed to commit seppuku when they fail—because for a ninja, failure in a mission at once means death.

He closed his eyes, recalling some memories to his mind. Some he treasured; some he wanted to pretend that they never existed at all. Thinking that he already had many, many circumstance where he had cheated Death, he guessed that he was lucky to still be alive today. And not only once I owe my life to Yukimura—just a bit more than the number he owes me.

It was how it worked between them. Support and be supported. Save and be saved. Trust and be trusted. Take and give.

Sasuke opened his eyes slowly, drinking in his surrounding. Pitch-black darkness. Yukimura's Room of Profound Darkness (2), where the man usually sat for meditation or planning an advanced military strategy. Only a pair of swords before him he could see. He was sitting at the centre of the room, clad in all pristine white formal clothing.

The uniform for a bushi to wear in his seppuku ritual.

Yet I'm not a bushi, Sasuke reflected, nor I would ever be.

He closed his eyes again.

His talk with Daisuke helped a little to raise the cloud in his mind. However, he did not need the boy to tell him how Yukimura genuinely cared for him and how he, too, cared for the older Sanada. He did not need to know either how the two of them, who once would gladly die for each other—despite the fact that Sasuke never wanted Yukimura to do that, now easily drifted apart and descended to the level of consciously hurting each other.

"He's destroying himself. He has to leave it—or let others do it. This war is futile, his dream of victory is futile, every single thing is futile."

"You, of all people, Sasuke-san, should have known best that he can't," Daisuke said. "It's no use to try to stop this war, but it's even more useless to ask Father to stop."

"I don't see why he can't," he shot back. "It's just that he doesn't want to."

Daisuke simply tilted his head, a gesture the boy faithfully inherited from his father. "If you ask Father to do that, then possibly Father would make you do something that you hate. Begging, for example. It's just like that. And this isn't a futile war, Sasuke-san. This isn't about glory only. We're doing what our hearts desire—protecting our beloved people, that is."

"Am I?" he drawled sardonically.

"You are," Daisuke assured. "I know you are."

"And how would you know that?"

"Because I'm a Sanada, Sasuke-san," Daisuke said softly, beneath his slight smile only plain gentleness. "I am my father's son."

Day by day, his need for all of Yukimura increased. On the other hand, the older Sanada's protective tendency increased, too. Sasuke wanted to make Yukimura's utmost dream come true, and it meant toppling the Tokugawa reign. He perfectly realised how greedy he had become, but that was it. It was a part of him he could not let go. If there was something that would make Yukimura happy, then he could—would—endure anything.

Yet it was not enough for Yukimura.

The accusing tone of betrayal still hurt. The doubt still hurt. Everything he could remember about the last time he faced Yukimura still hurt.

Sasuke did not even notice that he was holding his breath until he shakily exhaled aloud. A bitter smile grazed his lips. I guess we really share the same fate, eh, Shindara? He grimaced as he recalled the look passing Yukimura's delicate face when the man said those things, and he simply did not want to remember it.

I guess that's it. We really are drifting apart.

A sudden noise and an abrupt coming of light snapped Sasuke's from his train of thought. Reflexively, he turned his head to the now wide-open door and the figure there, blocking the light coming from outside the room.

Yukimura's eyes had never been as hard as they were now, glistening with intensity that no words could describe, with emotions that went beyond words and paralleled his own.

"Wha—"

Sasuke never had the chance to finish whatever he wanted to say as he was roughly pulled to stand before Yukimura, his recovering wounds screaming at the sudden change of position. Gasping for breath, Sasuke almost forget how fast Yukimura could move. The years had not waned his skill it seemed. There was immediately another swift move from Yukimura, and the pair of swords previously in front of Sasuke went flying to the other side of the room, hitting the wall in their landing and scattering on the floor.

The third move was, all so sudden in its wake, a harsh slap on Sasuke's left cheek.

Sasuke could still feel the sting even when Yukimura's hands flew to grab his collar and haul him to his toes, though their recent gap in height was not very wide.

"You short-minded brat," Yukimura said very close to his face, breathing hard. "Do you think I would be happ—"

Sasuke was a ninja, and in impulse one of his hands flew only to land a well-earned punch on Yukimura's jaw.

"You deserve it, stupid," Sasuke spat a spit of saliva mixing with blood as the result of Yukimura's slap onto the floor, satisfied as he saw his master's body being thrown onto the nearest wall, crushing tatami and wooden panel along. "In the future, just name the time if you want a fight."

In front of him, Yukimura raised himself from splinters of wood and paper, limping a little. "Don't you trust me, Sasuke?"

"What the—what kind of question is that?" Sasuke roared, shaking with anger. "You hit me first, bastard. Is that the way you ask someone?" As Yukimura tried to get a hold of his arms, he viciously slapped the hand away. "Don't touch me!"

Yet Yukimura was stubbornly persistent, and, moving forward, he cupped Sasuke's face with his too warm palms. "What have I done to lose your trust in me?" he whispered, and with that, his lips crashed down to Sasuke's.

Taken aback, Sasuke's mind needed some seconds to register the swing of events right now. "Get off of me!" Violently, he struggled to break free from his master's hold only to find that he was unable to do so. "Yukimura, get off!" In his desperate need for an escape, Sasuke reached his hand around his master's head and yanked Yukimura's shoulder-length hair, hard.

That finally brought a call to reality for Yukimura.

"Damn it, Yukimura! What the hell are you doing?" Sasuke still did not let go of Yukimura's hair, the strands slipping between his fingers. "Fine! You ask me, and now listen to my answer. Stop treating me as if I haven't grown at all, stop looking at me as if I'm a fragile infant who doesn't know how to handle the world and stop playing with my feeling because you know I'll never be able to hate you even though you do!" He stepped forward, forcing Yukimura to go along with him, thus stepping back. Yukimura's back now was pressed onto the wall, and he was standing chest to chest with Sasuke.

"But—" Yukimura swallowed, then, "but I never play with you."

"Liar," Sasuke hissed vehemently. "You know what I think, how I feel, yet you still put a wide gap between us. Am I that worthless to stay with you as your guardian? Am I that incapable to help you reach for the top?" There. He had said it all; his unspoken disapproval of Yukimura naming Daisuke his heir while the older man was still the current Head of the Sanada household, of why Yukimura was reluctant to send him out to kill Tokugawa Ieyasu, of why Yukimura had never begun to bring together the rest of the Toyotomi army though the man knew that all they needed was his brilliance. And of why you start distancing yourself from me bit by bit. "I am your sword, and all you have to do is doing what you have to do with your sword." Disgusted with his outburst himself, Sasuke finally let go of his master and took a step backward.

"Sasuke," Yukimura began, the creasing between his brows a frown of bitterness rather than of physical pain.

Sasuke raised a hand to cut him off. "Don't. Don't say anything out of pity. I've had enough of it already."

"Sasuke," Yukimura tried again, this time both of his hands on Sasuke's arms, "is that how you think of me? Is that how you think all you are to me? A sword?" The raw pain in Yukimura's voice and eyes made Sasuke want to turn his face. "Sasuke, look at me." Once again, his palms cupped Sasuke's face, this time much gentler than the previous. "I thought we've already passed this. To me, you, and all people here in this household, is my precious family. I wouldn't—couldn't let any of you die just because of me."

"But I do," he insisted stubbornly. "I would die for you."

"No!" The man cut sharply. "All my life, I only have two commands as a commander to my fellows: protect me and protect themselves. That won't change forever." Then, as if his might had left him, Yukimura sagged against Sasuke's smaller body, his voice next hoarse and tight. "But I guess the blame is all on me if you can't get what I mean."

"Deep down in his heart, I think Father must have thought that he's a demon. A demon with unforgivable sins. A demon who turns you into a manslayer. A demon who always regrets his inability to protect the people he loves. A demon he doesn't want to be yet cannot escape from. He knows that better than anyone and never denies it." Daisuke's voice faltered a bit, probably from lamenting the fact himself. "But I guess, no matter what, Father doesn't want to let go of that small bit of humanity left inside him that makes him the human he is."

"It's not like that, idiot." Slowly, Sasuke's hands crawled up to rest at Yukimura's back, the fabric of his master's robe being clutched tightly in his trembling fists. "It's not like that..."

"To Father, you're not only a mere sword, Sasuke-san." Behind Daisuke's smile, there was only wise understanding despite his age; a proof that the boy was the son of Sasuke's one and only master. "To Father—no—to Sanada Yukimura, you matter."

He was the sheath whom Yukimura trusted his humanity to. The one whom Yukimura trusted to keep him humane. The one whom Yukimura trusted to keep him sane in the midst of war and killing.

Yukimura's razor-sharp sword; Yukimura's sheath.

With Yukimura's hair tickling his cheek, Sasuke straightened himself and the older man. "I've told you; you are my home. You'll never lose my trust, if that's what you're afraid of." Closing his eyes, Sasuke placed his temple on Yukimura's exposed collarbone, and he tightened his half-embrace on Yukimura. "Children, successor or even death would not change it. You will never lose me."

The man nodded lightly against the top of his head. "I know. I think I just need a reassurance." A gruff chuckle followed after that. "Silly of me. I'm sorry. For everything."

"Accepted. I'm sorry, too." A wonder was how quick they could forgive each other every time they had a fight as well as how easy they spoke things coming from their heart, but Sasuke knew Yukimura better than his shadow. Beneath the happy-go-lucky surface and sometimes the ruthlessness as a bushi, Yukimura was still a man, after all, and every man deserved to know that he was loved. I deserve it, and he does, too. We have our own demon, but next time, we'll face it together, not apart. He raised his eyes to Yukimura's level, staring at the eyes he so treasured. "You're a man of secret; it's your habit, and I can't change that. Just... don't keep it bottled inside too much, alright? I'll be there to listen anytime you want to talk."

It only took a smile to lighten Yukimura's weary visage, making him look so much younger and less burdened. Gone were the grim lines beneath his eyes and next to the corners of his mouth. "And next time, I'll do better when your temper get the better of you."

"I never let anything get the better of me," he protested, though weakly.

The teasing smile was back on Yukimura's lips, and though Sasuke was glad, he did not want to deal with it right now. So he thought of another subject. "Tell me why you suddenly stormed in just before. I mean, I was only meditating, you know."

"Meditating?" Yukimura gave a shriek, his mouth gaping. "But—Daisuke—he's tricked me!"

"Trick?"

"Er—well." It was only now Yukimura had the nerve to appear sheepish. "Look at yourself and where we are. You know... your white kimono, my Room of Profound Darkness, and those swords—well—panic often leads to being ridiculous..."

Sasuke looked around before looking at himself. Disbelief coloured his face in the next second his brain had digested the affairs. "You thought I was going to commit seppuku?" Finding no protest from Yukimura, Sasuke genuinely rolled his eyes. "You really are an idiot." He would never admit how delighted he was to know that Yukimura had felt afraid for him, though.

The sheepish smile melted into a much gentler, knowing one, the one filled with affection and understanding, the one Sasuke loved so much, the one Sasuke would make sure to be there more often from now on. "Your idiot."

"Whatever."

"Sasuke?"

"What?"

"...Thank you."

In those two simple words lied each and every emotion, all bare to know and understand. Sasuke just had realized that.

"And I, you."

Epilogue

The reconstruction for the Room of Profound Darkness was already done last week. Even Yukimura had already used it two days after the reconstruction, although he was not the first to use it. Daisuke, in fact, was the first one to use the room in another detention as he, Sasuke recalled what Yukimura had said, tried to play the mediator in their not-so well-brought-up fight. The rest of the Sanada resident pretended that they knew a little to nothing of the Head's latest setback, knowing that it was not their place to blame Yukimura for the damage.

Yukimura had been in the room since yesterday. Ever since they had gotten to the bottom of their fall out, Sasuke noticed that Yukimura had given a lot of thought about it. Being an avid reader of Confucius teaching (3), Yukimura called it a way to calm himself. I need to get my head clear so it'll benefit us both, he reasoned.

He did not even stir as Sasuke slid the door open and walked towards him. To Sasuke, Yukimura in meditation was more tranquil and more beautiful than ever. He sucked in deep breath as he saw the light from outside fall on Yukimura's hair and on the left side of his face. With his eyes closed, the detail of Yukimura's face came clearer, the line of his high cheeks and the smoothness of his jaw making Sasuke hold his breath in adoration. Strands of black hair falling past his closed eyes only added to the fairness of the curve of Yukimura's face, thick eyelashes sweeping against the paleness of his cheeks. A demon who turns into Buddha, Sasuke humoured the idea.

Quietly, he knelt before the man, ingraining each and every detail of the man in his mind. I guess the word 'beauty' exists for a person like you. Planting both hands on each side of Yukimura's thighs to prop himself, Sasuke leant forward, inch by inch nearing to Yukimura's face. Their lips touched softly, Sasuke letting his stay on Yukimura's for a moment, opening his mouth a bit wider to let the tip of his tongue graze Yukimura's upper lip tenderly before pulling back in an elegant move of a ninja.

An eyes peeked open, slowly, then another. "I'm in the middle of meditation, you know." The tone, however, harboured no irritation, only amusement.

"I know." Sasuke shifted to sit beside Yukimura, searching for the best position for himself, his arm and thigh touching Yukimura's. "That's why I'll just sit here and be quiet."

"Ah. No one to keep you a company outside?"

"Not really." Sighing softly, Sasuke adjusted his sitting position to be at ease himself but not before swiftly stealing one more kiss. "I like it better here. With you."

Yukimura closed his eyes again, this time smiling as Sasuke tilted his head to rest on his shoulder and closed his own eyes.

Together they sat in silent serenity.

Notes:

(1) Even until the end of Samurai Deeper Kyo manga (volume 37), Yukimura never reveals Benitora's identity as shogun to Sasuke. Even when he asks Yuya if she knows in the Epilogue Episode, Yuya only makes a gesture that they should keep silent about the secret. All thanks to ChibiJenn for pointing my previous slip-up.

(2) from Hikaru no Go. You know, the one where they run a game between insei and pro. I am deeply impressed by Obata-sensei's portrayal of the match between Sai and Touya Kouyou; therefore, the room is deeply ingrained in my brain. What a un-originality, I must curse myself.

(3) Remember the part when Yukimura suddenly appears as the Red King advances to get Sakuya and Yuya, the one before he steals the King's hat? Yep. In that chapter, Yukimura happens to briefly trade Confucius teaching with the Red King. Only he can do such a daring act, I beg to differ. Yet that's why we love him, no? At last to me that is.

A little note, along with the end of Yukimura's campaign, his son, Daisuke, died. If Sasuke is a real figure, then supposedly he died, too, in the same year. It's also said that Ieyasu still considered Yukimura his archrival even on his deathbed. The last Sanada line surviving the Tokugawas campaign was the one of his brother's, Nobuyuki, who joined the Tokugawas just like Masayuki—Yukimura's father—had ordered him to prevent the total annihilation of the Sanadas. I guess that's why the Tokugawas allowed a memorial gravestone to be erected for Yukimura although he's a supporter of the Toyotomis. Why, the romance of history.