If there was ever a person to fall in love with, it was you. I swear, really, you're just... I think... I can't phrase my thoughts anymore when I'm around you; I feel like my tongue is about to fall off and my brain is mushy and my chest is tight. So... here we are, huh?

You know, sitting here, thinking about all the good times together, it really kind of makes me sad. I mean, what with me going no where and you going somewhere with that beautiful face of yours... I feel so sad because I won't see you again. I mean, I'm sure I'll see you; the big screen tends to get around. But you won't see me because movie projectors can only do so much. They don't work both ways, anyways. I mean, I could see so many movies with your eyes shining with tears (like they are now) as you say something loving to some stupid girl and I could see your eyes, and I could look into them, but your eyes would be good as dead.

I could say so many things to try to keep you from leaving, but in the end, none of them would do any good. Face it; you've got a face like a god damned movie star, and that's what you're going to be. A damned movie star. And me? Well, I know I always have a place working at the DX station, thinking about old times, popping sleeping pills because otherwise I can't sleep at night.

Don't try to stay behind. You always were going to be somebody. I was always going to be a nobody. I don't want to hold you back. I don't want this to be like in the movies where all the cheesy stuff is exchanged and then the person departs and then comes back. That doesn't happen in real life. I know you're going to forget about me. I know you're going to buy a big house out in California or somewhere, marry a cute chick and have two beautiful children and eat at fancy restaurants and rake in a lot of money. I know I'm going to stay here, wallowing my memories because I can only give the world so much free love before I start to hate everything.

Since this is probably the last time I'll ever see you when you can actually see me too, I want to just... what's the word? Reminisce. I want to reminisce with you. That sounds so god damned lame, huh?

Do you remember the time when you first kissed me? Ha-ha, I know you do. We were closing up the DX, remember? Just for the night. I was inside sweeping, you were out in the back smoking a cigarette before you were going to do whatever you did with the cash register.

I was just about finished when you just kind of... waltzed on in and said, "C'mere." The way you were standing in the setting sun... oh, man. As lame as it sounds, you must have been the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I wondered if you knew about my little guy-crush on you, the one that just wouldn't go away. You had this odd kind of look in your eye. When I think about it now, I really do wonder if maybe it was because you were staring at my chest, which happened to be showing because I kept my shirt unbuttoned all the god damn time.

You kind of sashayed up to me (what the hell does 'sashay' mean anyway?) and then you grabbed my shirt, real rough, and pushed me against one of the back walls. You kind of pinned me up there. I remember thinking, Oh god, he's going to kill me! And then you kissed me and it was just... surreal. It was unlike any kiss I'd ever had with any girl before. This kiss was real, it wasn't forced out of emotions that didn't even exist. This one conveyed so much and yet so little to me all at once. I wanted to get more into it but you pulled away, bit your lip, and then said, "Sorry."

"About what?" I asked quietly. You looked genuinely upset, like you'd screwed it all up. Like it wasn't right. I simply kept my hands at my sides, trembling slightly. Then you said, "We should get this finished up." Then you picked up the broom and finished sweeping. You did your thing with the cash registers, muttered something along the lines of, "No work t'morrow... 's Sunday..." and then you beat it out of there like a bat out of hell.

You remember, right, how we didn't see or talk to each other for a week? A god damned week? We were both too scared, I suppose. When we met again, it was only because I craved another kiss. So I dropped by your house and told you to come with me to the park. It was evening and it was secluded. You were fidgeting like mad. I finally said, "I enjoyed it as much as you did."

You looked up and said, "You did?"

I just responded by kissing you. I know that sounds lame coming out of my mouth, but you remember how spectacular it was? You remember that I hadn't had my lips away for more than a second before you caught them again and just kissed me. Oh, god. Oh god. I remember grabbing your shirt, trying to tear it off, but you stopped me and said that doing this was enough for the moment, that people could be watching, that there are better places to do this...

After that, we hung out in our houses when everyone else was gone. After that, we'd go on lunch break early, hide in the janitor's closet and you would kiss me and I'd enjoy it. Remember? I know you do. I can see it in your eyes.

Your eyes. Oh god. I'm starting to sound so cheesy. I remember that your eyes always had this dancing quality to them. They were like stars, right? Listen to me... if I'd have known I would have been acting like this, I would never have gotten caught up in you.

Oh, god. There's your bus. Your limo. Your god damn fan girls. You gotta go, huh? You really have to leave me.

Here's the thing, Soda: I'm not sure I can forgive you now. You up and leave without a word, without so much as a goodbye! I had to track you down. Ponyboy is so useful when he wants to be. You just go? Without... telling me? This is going to hurt us both, but I hate you. I hate you. I know at a time I felt more than love for you. I know at a time I was filled with all kinds of passionate and lustful feelings towards you. But I guess I've lost those feelings now.

I can't forgive you right now. Will I ever? I guess I will, in time. But right now I can only feel anger and hatred and... god I hate you and your beautiful face and body and kisses that meant things. You're living in denial, Soda. You keep this up and it'll be hard to find anyone who will love you like I did.

I recall that you never once told me you loved me. I recall myself saying it to you hundreds of times and you just grinned and kissed me. I thought that was your way of saying you loved me. I guess I was wrong. I'm always wrong.

So go off to Hollywood or wherever the hell you're going. Just remember the boy who won't forget you like you will him, who actually took the time to care, who never got a "thanks" or an "I love you" or even so much as a god damn "goodbye." Just remember the boy you left hating you. I hope it eats you al-

I love you, Steve Randle.

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