A/n: Very angsty, very, very, very, angsty. Self-harm, saddened thoughts, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, May trigger some unwanted thoughts for some people, and please do not read if you are uncomfortable with any of the subjects that are gone into detail or talked about in this fic. You have been warned and if you are too stupid to continue reading even though you know that this is a fic you would hate to read, than I really pity your IQ level.

For those of you who do wish to read, then, by all means, go ahead. For those of you who are not sure about reading a fic like this, then please, venture with caution, for I, at least, feel that this is a very…saddening fic.

This fic is Yamachi (Yamato/Taichi) which means YAOI and if you are uncomfortable with that, then don’t read. Simple enough, no?

The smooth metal of the blade shone in the soft light, almost as if the knife was mocking him and his incoherent thoughts.

What am I doing? I have got to be crazy.

But yet, he couldn’t seem to stop him self as he brought the sharp blade closer and closer to his lightly tanned skin. His hand was shaking, and he took in a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm himself.

Why am I doing this?

With that thought, Taichi dropped the blade, his eyes widening as the realization of what he had been about to do flashed through his mind.

What is wrong with me?

Eerily calm, Taichi picked the knife up, and placed it on the counter in front of him. He looked at it, almost fascinated at the one object that caused so much inner turmoil in his life.

Taichi Yagami drew in another deep breath before letting it out slowly, once again, trying to calm his frazzled nerves. Too bad it never seemed to work.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to be able to get his emotions straight. And no matter how much he wished it were otherwise, Taichi couldn’t seem to feel anything other than consuming depression.

He wanted to feel something, anything, other than that dull feeling that never seemed to leave him. He could remember the time when he had gotten so depressed, and so irritated with himself, that he lost control and had forcefully punched a nearby wall.

Taichi could remember that odd pain that had shot through his hand, leaving a strange, almost calming throb behind. He remembered liking the feeling of his hand throbbing, and even though the throbbing pain had slightly hurt, it had helped keep him in reality. Help him keep his feeble grasp on his crumbling world.

The brunette male didn’t even realize when or how he had started to feel this way. It seemed like the snowball effect had just taken over him. It had started out small, hardly noticeable, and it continued to grow and grow, until finally it was so overwhelming and enormous as it destroyed everything in its path.

After feeling that odd painful throb in his hand, he had felt strangely calm. At peace with everything around him. It had frightened him, but he couldn’t help but feel a small amount of pride. He had caused himself to feel something other then emotional turmoil. He had caused himself to feel something physical, something that he could contend with.

Taichi sighed softly, picking up that blade again, and walking over to the rightful drawer in which it belonged. He hesitated, looking at the sharpened end, wondering how much of that calming pain that one knife would be able to bring him, before quickly putting the blade into the drawer.

Gotta think about something else. Anything else.

Taichi slowly backed out of the kitchen, only barely noticing that his hands were shaking.

I am not going to hurt myself.

He went into his room, and closed the door firmly behind him. He needed to get away from the empty apartment. Needed to stay away from his home until one of his family members came home. He never seemed to want to hurt himself when someone else was around.

But I have never really ‘hurt’ myself. I’ve only punched a wall. Thoughts about doing it, and actually doing it are two totally different things.

He needed to do something before he went insane with the silence and his thoughts. A suggestion flashed through his mind before he quickly obliged to the idea.

He waited for the familiar digitized ring, before sitting down on his bed, waiting for his best friend to pick up on the other line.

“Hello?”

Taichi breathed a sigh of relief, not aware that he had been silently hoping that Yamato would hurry and pick up. He was comforted now that he knew someone else was ‘there’ with him. Even if it wasn’t physically.

“Hey Yama, it’s me.” Taichi greeted softly. He could almost imagine the concern that would be visible through Yamato’s blue eyes.

“Hey Tai, what’s up?”

“Nothing really, Yama, just completely and utterly bored.” And I think that I am going insane, and I needed your help. Not that I would ever tell you that.

“Oh, so I am some sort of ‘boredom replacement’ for you? Is that it, Taichi?” The comment sounded harsh, but Taichi could hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. The same voice that had always brought a smile upon his face. Until recently that is. Taichi wasn’t sure when he had found himself unable to really, truly smile.

“Well of course, Yama. What else could you possibly be good for?” Why is it so easy to pretend? Why can’t anyone tell that I am slowly losing everything?

“Well, what would you like me to do about getting rid of your boredom, Tai?”

“I don’t know, just stay on the phone?” The suggestion was simple, but Yamato didn’t realize how important it was to the brunette male. Please stay with me Yama. Please make this horrible feeling go away.

“Yeah, sure, if you want me to stay on the phone, I guess I can do that. I do have chemistry homework that I should be doing, but… I do have the Crest of Friendship, and it would be a dishonor to my crest not to help a friend in need.”

Taichi chuckled slightly, listening to Yamato’s pure laughter. How did I lose my laughter? My happiness?

Why can’t I no longer be normal?

OxxoxxOxxoxxO

Taichi was pleased that he had stayed on the phone with Yama long enough for Hikari to come back home. At least now he would be able to retain his urges to harm himself.

Even though he was thankful that no one noticed how much he had changed, it was slightly disconcerting to know that the people he was the closest to, the people who claimed to know him so well, never noticed that he was changing. Taichi would have thought that at least one of them would have seen something.

I want to tell someone about these odd thoughts that I have been having. But yet…I don’t want them to ever know about it. Nobody would be able to understand how I feel. Nobody would understand that I feel as though I need to do something to myself.

Taichi’s thoughts kept contradicting themselves, as his mind became a whirlwind of doubt and self-hatred. He needed to feel something…

No, no, no. Don’t think about anything like that. I’m such a moron.

His grades were slipping, his performance on the soccer field was worsening, his moments of happiness were diminishing. He always felt alone, always felt as though, sometimes, it just wasn’t worth it. He had nothing going for him. He was just Taichi. Just the person whom everyone could laugh at and make jokes about, and think that none of the harsh words would ever affect him.

But those jokes and the heartless laughter hurt. A lot. Everyone thought that it just didn’t affect him. After all, he was Taichi Yagami, the foolish soccer player who could easily laugh at himself. But no one had seemed to notice that the Taichi who had helped save the Digital World and Earth, the one who was so strong and willful and a bit happy-go-lucky, had, at some point and time, turned in to a quiet, self-hating, pessimistic teenager.

What is wrong with me?

Did no one care? Was that it? Taichi wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know the answer, for each outcome would be an answer he didn’t want to hear. If everyone did care, then they obviously didn’t care as much as they claimed. And if they just didn’t care…Taichi involuntarily shivered.

I need to get out of here.

Jumping up from his laying position on his bed, he bounded for his closed door quickly, and opened it, his golden brown eyes searching for on of his parents.

His mother was in the kitchen, humming lightly as she chopped up a pound of meat for some type of cooking concoction that she was creating. Taichi felt a small smile tugging on his lips. His mother tried so hard to make all of her meals perfectly for her family. And even though she failed abysmally every time, she never let herself get caught up in the depression of failure.

“Hey Mom?” His voice sounded odd, even to his own ears. His mother turned, her hand halting midway from slicing another piece of the uncooked meat. Taichi’s eyes were drawn to the knife, as the artificial light from the lamp made the smooth, flat side of the blade shine.

Shaking his head, he looked back at his mother, who was eyeing him with concern and confusion etched in her expression.

“Can I go for a walk?” He forced himself not to look at the knife. His mother nodded.

“Of course, honey, just try to be back in time for dinner, alright?” Concern was audible in her voice, and knowing that he had made his mother worry, made Taichi wince. He didn’t want to think about, it so he just left the house quickly, allowing the cool air and quiet atmosphere calm his erratic nerves.

I make the lives of the people I care about most, worse by making them worry about me… Just add that to the long list of my many faults…

OxxoxxOxxoxxO

Taichi walked aimlessly for a long time until he finally stopped by the park. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly wanted to be in the recreational area, but he did know that he hadn’t hesitated in sitting in a swing, swaying it slightly. He felt the cooling air of the dusky atmosphere on his bare arms; he hadn’t bothered to grab a jacket on his way out.

The park was mostly deserted, except for the few children who had been able to persuade their lenient parents to allow them to stay at the park for a longer time than usual.

Their loud laughs of delight echoed through the recreational area, and Taichi watched them with a saddened expression. He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever laughed that freely.

Will I ever be able to be that happy again?

Somehow, Taichi didn’t think it possible. He felt so alone, so depressed, so useless. It was weighing him down indescribably, and that urge to do something, to feel something else was coming back.

Stop thinking, just don’t think about anything.

But making himself stop thinking was as hard as making himself stop breathing. He just couldn’t stop. And with every darkened thought, his emotions seemed to hurt even more.

Darkness fell around him, but Taichi didn’t notice, as his thoughts were becoming just as dark as the atmosphere surrounding him. Gradually, silence reigned over the environment, as every person present in the park made their way to their apartments. Taichi wasn’t among them.

The brunette wasn’t even aware of anything around him. He didn’t notice the regular flow of time that was slowly advancing later and later into the night. He didn’t notice the temperature getting colder and colder, the wind picking up and blowing harshly against his bare arms.

“Tai!” A familiar voice cried out, effectively breaking the brunette from his dazed state. Taichi glanced up, and saw Yamato Ishida looking at him, his blue eyes wide with concern. The blonde’s breath came in ragged pants, as though he had been running for a long time. Taichi didn’t say anything in response, just stared up at his best friend with a dull look. The brunette was tired of putting up an act of cheerfulness when he was anything but happy.

“Tai?” Yamato repeated uncertainly, taking a timid step closer. Taichi let a small smile come upon his lips.

“Hey Yama. What are you doing here?” His voice was quiet and slightly hoarse. Probably because he hadn’t used it in a couple of hours. Yamato frowned at Taichi’s question, but didn’t reply as he took out his cell phone from his jacket pocket and dialed in a number.

“Hey…yeah, I found him…at the park…yeah…” Taichi couldn’t help but notice that Yamato’s voice sounded disheartened and saddened. The brunette wasn’t sure why. Was it because he had been at the park for so long? Had he really caused such a fuss and made so many people worry over him?

Why do I always hurt the people I care for?

“Yeah, don’t worry…no, that’s okay…I can get him home…don’t worry.” Yamato responded half-heartedly to the person on the other line. “Alright…no problem…bye.” The blonde clicked the phone off and replaced it back into his pocket. He glanced at Taichi, but the brunette’s golden brown eyes were gazing at the sandy ground, his swing moving slightly back and forth.

Yamato sighed lightly before sitting down on another swing next to Taichi. Neither of them said anything to break the heavy silence that had fallen between them. Taichi glanced at Yamato through the corner of his eye. The blonde musician was looking up at the starry sky, his sapphire blue eyes glazed over. Taichi thought that he saw a glimmer of unshed tears but Yamato didn’t cry, right? At least not often, and not over something as trivial as his best friend going missing. Right?

Taichi thought that he knew that answer to that question, but he wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been as close to any of his friends like he once had been. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. And that thought scared him.

“Taichi, I—“ But Yamato cut himself off, as he rethought about what he was going to say. The blonde seemed to be at a loss of words, and Taichi sure didn’t know what to say.

“Why are you out so late, Tai?” Yamato tried a different approach, but he didn’t look at his best friend when he asked. Taichi frowned slightly.

“I just lost track of time.” He answered simply, not trying to meet his friend’s blue eyes.

“You lost the track of time?” Yamato repeated incredulously. “How can you not notice it getting too dark to see?”

“I just didn’t notice, okay?” Taichi’s voice was harsh and he saw Yamato visibly wince. But Taichi wasn’t sure whether or not he cared that he had hurt Yamato. In a way, he was guilty for having Yamato feel hurt from his words, and yet, it felt good, because he was lashing out some of his hopeless and angry thoughts about himself onto an outlet. It wasn’t his fault if this outlet turned out to be Yamato, was it?

“Are…” Yamato trailed off, his voice was quiet and soft. He was probably afraid he would set off Taichi again. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“Then, why does it seem that every time I talk with you, you always seem angry or upset?” Yamato had started asking the question in a timid manner, but his voice got stronger as he went on. “I mean, I have tried again and again, to figure out if I have done anything to make you mad with me. But every time I can never come up with a reasonable explanation.” Yamato looked over at the brunette, expecting and hoping for Taichi to answer him. A moment of uncomfortable silence passed by before Taichi responded.

“I’m not mad at you, Yama.” He told him. “I’m not mad at any one.”

Except for maybe myself…

“Why do I find that hard to believe?” Yamato asked. He sighed before continuing. “You’re my best friend, Tai. And yet, it seems as though I don’t even know you any more.”

Taichi looked over at the blonde. Had someone actually noticed the changes that he had gone through? Taichi couldn’t tell if he was happy about this, or anxious about this fact.

Silence swept over the atmosphere once again, as the cold wind picked up once again. Taichi shivered, his mind barely registering how cold his body had become over the many hours spent outside.

Taichi heard Yamato get up from the swing, but the brunette didn’t look up. He did, however, when he felt warm cloth being draped around his shoulders. Yamato smiled at him, as he made sure his jacket was around Taichi securely.

“You’re cold.” The blonde told his best friend simply. Taichi could still feel the warmth from Yamato clinging on the jacket and, for some reason, it made him feel somewhat better. He felt safe and special. It was a nice feeling. It was the best he had felt in a long time, and Taichi wasn’t sure why.

“But you’re going to get cold.” He pointed out. Yamato just shrugged.

“I’ll be fine.” He reassured Taichi dismissively. Taichi frowned at him, but Yamato just smiled in response.

“What ever you say…” Taichi said quietly. He tightened his hold on the dark jacket, relishing in the warmth that Yamato’s jacket provided. He hadn’t noticed just how cold he had been until now.

He also hadn’t noticed just how tired and exhausted he had become.

Taichi fell asleep, not noticing caring blue eyes watching him in concern.

OxxoxxOxxoxxO

Yamato sighed heavily, glancing up at the stars once again. He didn’t know what was going on with Taichi, but he did know that he didn’t like it. The bubbly and carefree attitude that was his best friend was gone, only to be replaced a cold and harsh demeanor that Yamato didn’t know, and wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to know the new Taichi.

It was a little frightening to see his best friend turning into a person that acted how he, himself, had acted when his parents had first split up.

Yamato looked at where Taichi was and was slightly surprised to see that the brunette had fallen asleep. He smiled slightly. Maybe Taichi hadn’t changed as much as Yamato thought he had.

Yamato took in the sight of his best friend. Taichi looked totally relaxed and at peace, something that Yamato hadn’t seen him look like in a long time. The frown that always seemed to be present upon Taichi’s face was gone, being replaced by an expression of contentment.

Sighing in concern once more, Yamato got up once again from his swing, and walked over to Taichi. Carefully, not wanting to wake him, the blonde picked up Taichi, which hadn’t been as easy as Yamato thought it would be. It had been awkward to pick him up from the swing, but Yamato never was one to give up easily, and finally, Taichi was in his arms, in a type of bridal style.

Yamato smirked at that thought.

Taichi’s eyes opened slightly, but Yamato quickly told him to go back to sleep, and was pleased when the brunette actually did.

But he was still worried over his best friend. What was going on with Taichi? Yamato didn’t know, but he wished that Tai would tell him and allow him to help the brunette soccer player out. But, asking for help was never an easy thing for Taichi, and probably never would be. Yamato didn’t know how else to offer help to Taichi. He knew how annoying and infuriating it could be when someone tries to barge in on something that you don’t want anyone to know about.

Carrying Taichi to the brunette’s apartment was easier than Yamato had expected it to be, and Taichi was a lot lighter than the blonde had expected too. Even with these slight advantages, it was still a tiring task, but when Taichi gripped Yamato’s t-shirt vulnerably, the brunette’s head resting against Yamato’s chest, the musician felt that it was worth the backache he was going to get from this. If it involved Taichi or Takeru, then it was always worth it.

Yamato glanced down at the male in his arms, ignoring the strange looks he was receiving from the few people out this late. Taichi snuggled up against Yamato’s chest in almost a childish manner, and Yamato smiled at the sight.

Yes, Taichi was always worth it.

OxxoxxOxxoxxO

A/n: Didn’t exactly want to leave it off there, but this was turning out to be a really long first chapter. Although I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing…I can’t get the scene of Yamato carrying Taichi out of my head. It’s just so cute! ;P

Question for any and all reviewers: I have been thinking about adding in review responses in this story, but I am not sure if anyone would like that or not. I know that some people might find this to be annoying, but I also know how cool it is to be recognized and actually hear from an author that you really like. I don’t know, but if you could tell me if you would like review responses, then please let me know! If I get enough people who say that they would like to include that, then I will.

Anyways, hope you guys like my new story. Until next chapter!