If you've been wondering about CB's radio silence:

My cat died. I'd had her for 12 years: she'd seen me through five stalkers, three bouts of pneumonia, and the crippling disease that's kept me housebound for the last three years. She didn't suffer, and went gently.

Why am I including this in the story that you're reading because your own life has it's share of sadness and you desperately need a laugh? Because she slept on my head. She ran around my ankles, and made funny noises in the night. I'm not the Drunken Narrator, but the Cat is definitely My Cat, and some of the Chibis are her inspiration as well.

The irony that she died the week after I finished posting "The Little Kitten Who Could" on deviantart is not lost on me.

So, I haven't been able to write. Not properly, anyway. But I'm picking it back up again, now; my voice is coming back. I just want you to know that all of this story…

It was written with paws.

---

Now, a month later, I've acquired a pair of kittens. Though the process is slow, they are gradually re-teaching me how to hold a pen and how to think cute thoughts. They hug my ankles, and fall asleep when I read to them.

So, my apologies for the sad thoughts; I'll make it up to you with laughter.

On with the show!

---

When Chibis Attack!

Part 54: Saccharine Cup Post-Apocalyptic

By the time the contest is over , all of the sparkle-caked combatants lie sprawled across the floor like extras in an extremely bizarre 1970s Rock Opera.

But by then, Hakkai and I are drunk enough to sing Waltzing Matilda, at the top of our lungs and without shame.

---

"I… I wonder if there are a third as many sparkles as… as there are?" I muse aloud, gesturing descriptively with my glass.

Hakkai pauses, having forgotten the Chibigenkyo version of the Third Verse:

"Goodness – hic – excuse me! I'm not quite sure what you – hic! Oh my! – mean."

"I mean…" What do I mean? Oh, right. "I mean, I can see three Hakkais right now, but I'm sure there's probably no more than… one."

Hakkai pats himself down, looks to both sides, then up at me. He nods.

"I think you're right, there."

"So, if I see three of you when there's really only one, then… then… Shoot, what was it?"

Hakkai scratches his head. Then, a light bulb, complete with festive lampshade, flickers above his head:

"Sparkles!"

---

This draws a collective groan from a few of the chibi-shaped lumps of glitter. Ignore it and desperately grasp at the thread of conversational continuity.

"Right! Three-to-one, you see. Only a third of the sparkles that I'm seeing are really sparkles."

Hakkai looks up at me, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. He looks at the sparkle-covered room. He runs a finger through the inch-thick coating on my desk.

"I wonder how that will effect scoring…"

This raises a louder groan, and odd bits of movement.

---

Hakkai weaves and pokes his way among the bodies - trying to rouse them, though I'm not sure why.

I'm not sure of much, right now.

He finally takes out a stick, covered in numbers, and jabs it into a layer of sparkles.

"Ouch!"

"Oh! Sorry Gojyo. A foot to the side, then…"

He pokes again… and loses his stick.

He glances up at me.

"Ahem… I think Goku ate my stick."

---

Return his gaze blankly for a moment.

Reach across, pull my tire-pressure gauge from its impractical home in the pen-holder. Pass it to Hakkai, who knods appreciatively.

"Very good. Excellent work, Madam Scorekeeper."

Smile. Job well done, that.

---

Hakkai pokes the tire-end of the gauge into another heap of sparkles.

"Blow, please."

I did not know that my tire gauge had a pink section, complete with hearts and smiles beside the numbers.

I've never used it to score Sparkling though. Maybe they were there all along.

---

Finally, Hakkai climbs back onto my knee.

He gives me a quizzical look, and blows into the end of the Sparklometer himself. It makes a noise like a kazoo.

He passes it ceremoniously up to me.

Be a good sport: Blow.

The number it registers looks suspiciously like a blood alcohol reading.

---

Hakkai claps for attention.

"I have an announcement to make.

"First of all, I'd like to mention that both Madam Scorekeeper and I have managed to accrue one minor goal apiece. In light of this unprecedented event…."

Hakkai lifts his cup in my direction.

Pour.

Drink.

Celebrate.

"It really is quite good…" Hakkai gazes into the cup, admiring the clear, strong liquor as it produces its own sparkle in the spotlight gleam. "Now, where was I?"

"Announcing the… um…" The thing. People who… thing.

"Oh, right. The Winner. Thank you." Hakkai clears his throat and totters a little on my knee. Steady him. "You're very kind."

"Don't mention it."

"Ahem. The Winner of the Saccharine Cup is… Oh, goodness, that's not how it's done, is it? One generally announces Second Place first."

"Usually." Some of the sparkle mounds have shifted to a generally upright position, though occasionally they fall over again.

"Very professional that way."

"Is there a prize?" The thought springs into my mind like a jaguar into a pillow factory.

"What, for professionalism?"

"…uh… no. Runner up?"

"Hm? Oh! Yes. Right here."

---

Hakkai reaches behind his back and produces a very large cardboard box, full to the top of various items. He sets it on the floor with a notable 'thunk,' which would suggest to someone more sober than I that he should not have been able to lift it in the first place, let alone conceal it about his person.

Thankfully, I am far too drunk to notice. Ha ha!

---

"Cool! A new box!" One pile resolves itself into Goku, who is, no doubt, calculating the possible flight speed of said box.

"Ah ha ha ha… no. The box isn't the prize, but I'm sure you'll enjoy what is, as Team Sparkle has (terribly unexpectedly, I might add) come in Second."

---

Blink.

---

"The prize for your Second Place win…"

Sanzo is now sitting up, smug expression firmly fixed on his face. Gojyo, likewise, is dusting himself off in a flurry of glitter.

They are, however, still less mobile than Kougaiji and Goku, who are peering over the edge of the box like curious kittens. They seem utterly unbothered by their loss.

Instead, Goku celebrates, "We get a box!"

---

"Um… no. I'm afraid you have to return the box. But as Second Place Winners…"

" First PlaceLosers!" taunts Gojyo.

"… you will receive six cartons of Hi-Lites and six cartons of Marlboro cigarettes."

---

"Huh?"

---

"Also, several lighters, and this charming all-weather, outdoor ashtray!"

Gojyo and Sanzo are suddenly not only upright and mobile, but staring over the edge of the box.

"Uh… Hakkai…"

"As well, as Second Place Winners, Team Sparkle will receive a year's subscription to Cat Fancy ™ magazine, which comes with this lovely pendant of 'Buttons,' this year's Pretty Kitty award winner."

---

Hakkai ceremoniously hangs the pendant around Goku's neck, as if bestowing a silver medal.

"Gee… thanks." Goku is perhaps a little more bemused than impressed.

Sanzo, however, watches the medal ceremony with the eyes of a diabetic in a candy factory.

---

"You'll also enjoy celebrating with this 36-pack Big Cube of beer!" Hakkai continues his flourishing presentation.

"Do you drink?" Goku asks Kougaiji.

"Mummy wouldn't appwove." I certainly wouldn't approve of him drinking my booze.

"I don't drink either."

"But I drink…" moans Gojyo, staring longingly at the beer cans, each one bigger than his head.

Sanzo simply remains transfixed by the cover of this month's "Special Edition: Raincoats!"

---

"Finally, as Second Place Winners, you, Team Sparkle, will receive this special set of rare production photos." Hakkai passes them to Kougaiji. "Samantha is a pure-bred Snowshoe, a very rare breed, and took best-in-show at international cat shows for nearly a decade. Since her retirement last year, rare photographs of her have been especially hard to obtain."

A strange, squeaking noise emanates from Sanzo's direction.

"In fact," continues Hakkai, oblivious (or is he?). "I out-bid a user called kittenmonk on EBay at the last moment to acquire only the last two of these pictures. Though, Kougaiji, I'm sure you'll note that they are the least attractive in this complete set of ten…"

"Forfeit!" Sanzo roars.

---

"Excuse me?" Hakkai turns to him, still somewhat tottery.

"I said Forfeit! Team Glitter Glue forfeits!"

"But you've already won, Sanzo." Hakkai blinks several times, trying to absorb the verbal onslaught. "I'm not sure you can forfeit once you've…"

"I said forfeit, and we will damn well forfeit. Keep your goddamn trophy!" Sanzo snatches the pictures from Kougaiji's hand and gazes at them lovingly. He rounds on Gojyo: "You'd better…"

"I forfeit! Yep! Forfeit!" Gojyo is already opening a package of Hi-Lites, and hugging a beer. "Team Sparkle wins. Hooray Team Sparkle, and their silly matching shirts! Maybe I'll make one myself…"

"See? Forfeit. Now give them the goddamn Cup, and we will never speak of this again."

Oh, Sanzo… I doubt that. I really do.

---

Hakkai takes out a thick book entitled "The Official FISA Rules of Sparkling" and flips though it. He settles at a previously-marked page.

"Ahem." Hakkai looks up. "As Team Leader, do you, Toa's 31st Genjyo Sanzo, acknowledge that Team Sparkle deserves the victory and disavow all claim to the Cup and First Prize?"

"Yes. I just said that." Sanzo has a magazine open, and cigarette in his mouth already, which partly muffles the words.

"Ahem. Rules, you know." Hakkai rounds on Kougaiji. "And do you, as leader of Team Sparkle accept this forfeit?"

"Hold it!" Goku grabs Kougaiji and whispers into his ear. The Little Prince knods sagely.

Sanzo and Gojyo take up positions to guard their ill-gotten loot with any means necessary.

I pull my feet up under me, away from the looming conflagration.

---

"What's first pwize?" asks Kougaiji, ominously.

"Ah!" Hakkai furrows his brow in drunken thought. "Didn't I say? Obviously, there's the aforementioned Saccharine Cup, and card-making privileges… oh, and you get the box that the Second Prize came in."

"Dis box?" Kougaiji taps the sturdy packing crate with a claw. It appears to be reinforced to hold the considerable weight of beer, and is big enough that even I could sit in it, if I felt like making a fool of myself.

"Just a box?" squeaks Gojyo. "That's all we would get? A stupid…"

"We'll take it!" Kougaiji and Goku meet eye and knod. "Go Team Spawkle!"

---

And there you have it. As Goku removes the Buttons pendant, and hands it to Sanzo, I can't help thinking that, all round, it went pretty well.

It could certainly have been worse.

Much, much worse.

But I'd really rather not think about that. I'd rather think about my bed. And sleep. And…

"I'm going to bed."

"Very good, very good. Job well done." Hakkai pats my ankle and smiles as I stand.

"You too."

"It was, rather, wasn't it?"

There's a somewhat nefarious gleam in Hakkai's eye, but it is well obscured by a film of drunkenness. Likewise, I'm not too sure if I should believe a thing my eyes are telling me at the moment. As if I believe half of what I see on a daily basis…

Enough. Let the FISA officials deal with the allegations of match-fixing. All I do is keep score. To bed with me! Mr. Pillow, here I come!

---

---

It was very close. In fact, Glitter Glue won by one vote in the Big Votes (pictures, naming guilds after, etc.), while Team Sparkle won in Review Votes. After I did the math, and consulted the referee, we decided that this was best. And yes, two people voted for the Drunk and Hakkai.

As a reward for all of you, "The Little Kitten Who Could" is now available at the top of my profile page. I will be posting future original works of fiction (which you will likely find quite funny) over at deviantart as well, until a better site presents itself. Fiction Press is just too cluttered with crap, I'm afraid. Know a good site? Let me know.

The final picture votes for this contest were two gorgeous pieces, from Commander Mai and Crystal Remnant. Don't forget to check them out! Kougaiji with a Pot o' Sparkles!

And Don't forget to Review! I need the props! I'm using them to hold my roof up!