When Chibis Attack!

Part 56: In Which Titles Return to Format

Late that night, as the drunk snores contentedly in the near-comatose sleep of intense intoxication, a figure creeps across the room.

It shines a flashlight on Sanzo's face as he lies on his pillow/bed. The thin volume of The Little Kitten Who Could is tucked under his arm.

"What the…" Sanzo opens his eyes.

"Shhhh!" The figure motions him out into the hallway. Sanzo switches on his own flashlight, tucks the book under his pillow, and follows. They close the door behind themselves.

All the chibis are assembled in the kitchen, and the lights are on. Sanzo blinks warily around at the pyjama-clad crew.

"What the hell is this about?"

Hakkai, the Wielder of the Summoning Flashlight, clears his throat:

"Sorry to get you all out of bed like this, but I'm afraid we have a problem."

This causes a stir: sleepy eyes open fully, fidgeting halts abruptly.

"What's up, Hakkai?" Gojyo asks, pulling a pair of panties off his head.

"We have a thief in our midst."

Chorus of Obligatory Gasps.

"Some time tonight, between the Saccharine Cup and when I got up for a glass of milk, some person or persons unknown made off with…"

Pause for Suspense

"The Cookies."

"No!" gasps Goku. "Not the Cookies!"

"Oh, come on. You're probably the one who did it! Goku stole the Cookies from the Cookie Jar!"

All eyes turn to Goku, who stares about in bewilderment and shock.

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you!" Gojyo pokes him with a finger.

"Couldn't be!"

"Then who?" Asks Hakkai, hand on his chin in thought.

Goku looks around desperately, and chooses the first person who catches his eye: the person who is eating an apple and trying to keep his sleepy eyes from closing.

"Kougaiji!" Goku swallows his treacherous guilt. "Kougaiji stole the cookies from the cookie jar!"

Kougaiji stops eating, wide-eyed in surprise.

"Who, me?"

"Yes…" Hakkai turns to him, examining the Littlest Prince intently. "You."

Kougaiji rises to his feet, and raises a hand in oath:

"In awl my yeaws, I haff neffer turned to such petty acts of lawceny, to take cookies to which I haff no wegal wight. The Wule of Law is pawamount in any orderwy and juft shociety. I sweawr, I took no cookies, nowr would I under any ciwrcumshtanshes."

There is a pause as the audience tries to decipher this mangled oratory.

Hakkai sorts it out first:

"Yes, thank you, point taken. For future reference, though, Kougaiji, a simple 'couldn't be!' would suffice."

"Oh-tay!" Kougaiji smiles and returns to his apple-munching.

"But that leaves us with a question." Hakkai resumes. "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?"

Kougaiji shrugs, unwilling to accuse without evidence. This, too, is an important concept in 'Wule of Law.'

So, Goku, relieved at Kougaiji's innocence, has to take another stab at it.

"Gojyo! Gojyo stole the cookie from the cookie jar."

Gojyo, who had been using this time to try to light his cigarette with a power outlet and paperclip, turns in surprise. Ironically, this saves him from premature electrocution.

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you!" Now it's Goku's turn to point a finger.

"Couldn't be!"

Gojyo pauses, waiting for the next line and his turn to pick the victim.

"I'm afraid we'll require a little more evidence than that, Gojyo." Hakkai states primly.

"But you just told Prince Cutesy to say…"

"Yes, but that's Kougaiji. He can't do anything without standing on something tall and announcing it. At the very least, he would have made a dramatic entrance."

"It's awl in the timink!" Kougaiji adds, pitching his apple core to a perfect 3-point basket in the trash can.

"You, on the other hand…"

"No way! I mean, just because I steal panties, doesn't mean…" Gojyo splutters ineffectually, looking for an ally in the face of the Hakkai Cookie Fact Finding Commission: Goku is smug with delight at it being Someone Else's Fault. Sanzo is already headed back to bed, as if this were all decided.

The situation looks bleak.

"Don't wowwy."

Gojyo turns around to face Kougaiji, who is smiling a less-than-reassuring smile of reassurance.

"Did you just say 'Don't worry'?" Gojyo asks, after a moment of careful translation.

"Yeff. I bewieve you."

After the same Pause for Translation, Gojyo is taken aback. Tears begin to well up in his enormous eyes. He turns away to clear his throat, and return the panties to his head. Kougaiji waits patiently for the 'Dramatic Inner Monologue - Complete with Flashbacks' to end, and Gojyo to deliver his line, which goes:

"Thanks… but, why?"

"Because there are cwumbs on Sanzo's bunny swippers."

Sanzo is almost out of the kitchen. As all eyes turn to him, he glances up from reading the Free Kittens ads in the Classified section.

"What's your problem?" He squints at them defiantly, but continues backing toward the hallway.

"Ah ha ha ha… Did you steal the cookies from the cookie jar?" Asks Hakkai, looking meaningfully at the crumb-bedecked slippers. He is somewhat surprised that they are bunnies and not kittens.

"So what if I did?" Sanzo eschews the traditional 'Who, me?', but tries to hide both feet behind each other. "It's none of your business what I eat!"

Hakkai's menacing advance, flanked by vengeful Former Victims, manages to corner Sanzo by the stove. Hakkai pulls an enormous magnifying glass from behind his back to inspects the slippers, and puts on a Sherlock Holmes hat to assist in Catching Bad Guys.

"Hmmm… bunnies? How curious."

Sanzo, Unashamed Bad Guy, twitches, then explodes:

"They're goddamn cookies! They're meant to be eaten. That's their purpose in life! Besides, I missed dinner."

"Bunnies do sheem stwange…" Kougaiji is also carefully examining the slippers now.

Sanzo's hand is in his sleeve, fingering the Fan. He is contemplating resisting arrest. Nonetheless, furiously red, he manages to choke out his reply.

"They… were… out… of… kittens!"

Not a good choice.

"Awwwwwwwwww!" Chorus the Four InFestigators.

"That's so cute!" Hakkai pats Sanzo on the head.

Then, as one chibi, they turn and run away.

Sanzo gives chase, yelling profane suggestions of parentage.

As a group, they turn on him, stopping Sanzo dead in his tracks.

"Shhhhh!"

"Mummy's smeepink!"

"Oh… right." Sanzo pauses, then tip-toes after them, whispering blasphemous accusations.

The sugar keeps him awake well after the others have called 'Base' and gone back to bed.

But he still can't find the curiously lettered Bottle o' Plot.

Crime… and punishment.

If you have never played this McCarthy-esque childhood game, commonly known as "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?", I apologize for the confusion. I, however, have fond childhood memories of chanting the lines that the chibis repeat here.

Perhaps it's funny, even without context.

Both my computers died, and are in the process of being rebuilt. So, I lost a full chapter of The Blinds, and this was delayed. If any of you have sent fan-art, and I haven't posted a link to it yet on my profile, please let me know. It may have gotten lost in the digital breakdown.

Next Time: Dreams!