I Didn't want this

Author's note

A series of short fics from three different points of view. Some with original characters some with well knowns all set in the star wars universe. My apologies for any non-canon behavior.

Rising star, falling

I never wanted to be a Jedi but no one ever bothered to ask me what I wanted. Not my parents, not the doctors and not the temple either. I will admit it was okay for the first few years. When you're a child everything can be seen as fun. As I grew older I began to see the restraints as obstructions. Later I saw them as curses. I used to watch the crowds pass by in Temple Square. Women pushing carriages, other women on the arms of young men. There was always such joy in their minds. I envied them that. The luxury of being allowed to feel to love, laugh, hope, and even to cry. While we were forbidden this in fear we wouldn't be able to handle our own emotions. This wondering became progressively worse as my teenage years approached. Though no one noticed the sad little initiate who went from lesson to lesson, did as she was asked and then spent her time alone. As the time approached when I would become a full-fledged padiwan. I began to dread it, I wanted to know what all those feelings really were, wanted to lose myself in another's embrace .To mean something to someone, at this point anyone.

I was so deeply wrapped in my own thoughts that I scarce heard the time for announcement ceremony for the new Padiwan's I was even more surprised when master Yoda whacked my knee with his gaff stick. "Pay attention to announcement you must" he said I apologized and at least looked like I was interested in what Master Windu was saying. We were dismissed after the speech to return to our lessons. I had saber practice though I really never liked the light sabers or thought they should be in the hands of children. I was late because my mind wandered again; back to the young lovers I had seen at the park. Their lips pressed to one another in a kind of dance with tongues involved. I am standing in class while I'm thinking this; though I have my mind shielded there is one against who the effort is useless. I glance sideways to the side of the room were he stands. Inwardly I sigh wondering what it would be like to tongue dance with Anakin. He must have caught some of my thoughts because now he is looking right at me. I swallow nervously and look away silently cursing myself.

I curse even more when the instruction master pairs us off against each other. Great I think now I will get my ass kicked for paying more attention to his ass than class. He grins at me great he caught that too. We dance around each other trading practice blows looking for weakness. I saw what I thought was one in his defenses, then realized to late that it was a trick. I was rewarded with the practice saber giving me a momentary shock. Which landed me on the floor a grinning Anakin holding out his hand to help me up.

"Does anyone want to tell me what initiate Lila did wrong in this bout?" asked master An' Terees I swallowed and hoped my shielding had held for I realized that there were children in the front row. One little boy of about ten or eleven raised his hand. "Yes Mac Ocre" said the teacher I held my breath Anakin continued to grin next to me "she was thinking about something else," said the child. I swallowed shit, oh shit. "Could you tell what that was?" asked the teacher. "No" said the child, "she was blocking me" the teacher turned to look at me, I tried to look as innocent as possible, didn't work. "Well miss Lila would you care to tell the rest of the class what distracted you so?" said the teacher. At first I considered lying to them, and then I discarded that because they would know I lied anyways. I certainty wasn't going to tell them I was thinking about tongue wrestling with my opponent. So I opted to take the punishment without telling my thoughts to the class. "No, I would not like to" I said calmly. Though inwardly I braced for the punishment my insubordination would bring.

The master raised one eyebrow in shock surprised I had said that. Anakin beside me shook his head sideways as if to say that was a dumb move. "Miss Lila report to Master Windu's office I shall like to speak to you after class is over, you are dismissed" I swallowed sheathed my saber and walked towards the office. Though I honestly hadn't felt like I did anything wrong. I entered the office lobby and the secretary told me to wait in the outer office. I swallowed again stifling my fear least that also get me in trouble. I waited for over an hour, during that time I tried to still my mind. Finally the teacher showed up and went right past me to Windu's office door after a few seconds I was called in. Both masters faced me from across the sole piece of furniture a huge desk. I waited calmly for my reprimand. Master Windu spoke first "Master A' Terees says you disobeyed him in class by deliberately not answering his question"

"I did", I answered. Master

Windu regarded me with those deep dark eyes of his and I felt him easily slip past my shields" I braced myself for more punishment. "These are troubling thoughts you have" said Master Windu. "I have watched you for quite some time Lila and both I and the other masters worry over you" Said Master Windu. "The path your treading is one to darkness, child" said Master A 'Terees." "Since I see no remorse for your actions I have no choice but to punish you" Said Master Windu. : You will start by apologizing for the rudeness of your action, then you will apologize to your classmates, then you will rise earlier in the morning and do an two extra laps around the track is that understood?" Said Master Windu "yes Master" I said; "you are dismissed," said Master Windu.

I said my apologies the next day in class on an individual basis after I did my morning laps; though I still didn't tell them what I was thinking. When I was coming back inside I ran into Anakin. I tried to edge past him, he blocked me "do you really want to know what my lips taste like?" he asked a teasing grin on his face. I blushed bright crimson and nodded thinking he was going to laugh at me instead his mouth closed on mine. My eyes widened as I realized he was actually kissing me. It was better than I imagined it to be. The tongues were a bit hard to get used to, so was his closeness. That didn't dissuade me from wanting more; I leaned into the kiss gently laying a hand on his waist. Then as suddenly as it began he left me gasping for more. He smiled his wicked little smile at me and walked away but not before promising me more with his eyes.

Someone cleared his throat behind me; I turned towards the sound to find Master Windu staring at me. I guess he was waiting for me to say something. So I decided to play off my previous actions by pretending they didn't happen and said, "good morning Master" in an overly cheerful tone. Master Windu responded to my greeting by frowning. A waited till he dismissed me as was proper. He continued to frown down at me; I could almost see his thoughts turning. "Is this where your thoughts have been?" I bowed my head to think. If they wanted to believe that it was a simple crush or a passing fling so be it. "Yes master" I responded sounding contrite and relieved.

Master Windu sighed if it had been a simple crush he might have overlooked her momentary indiscretion, but he sensed that it went deeper than she was admitting. "Return to your dormitory you will not be attending classes today. You will be sent for later" he instructed and walked away. My brave façade fell he saw right through me, and now I was to be punished for it. I walked back to my room barely containing my tears. When I got there I unleashed them since no one is there to witness them. As I wailed about the unfairness of it all. The thought occurred to me, I had been set up! Anakin had told on me, he had turned what was supposed to have been a memorable moment. My first kiss, he had corrupted what was supposed to be beautiful. They all had, by turning something that was natural into something forbidden. Now I would probably be shipped off to the agri farms like all the other failures. Turned from hopeful Jedi to temple slave. Well not me I would not go I would die first. Die first those words stuck in my head. They would never let me go a voice in my head reasoned. I vowed to give them no choice; I head began to turn with plans.

The council regarded the padiwan and his master standing in front of this "and you say she acted on these emotions" said one of the council members. "Yes master quite vehemently I might add," said Anakin his tongue licking his bottom lip in remembrance. "Not good is this, to the dark side she has slipped" said Master Yoda "indeed I fear it is true I witnessed her indiscretion myself" Said Master Windu. "Such a pity she was doing so well in her classes and testing," said another of the Masters this one female. "For padiwan she would have been picked" Said Yoda sounding a bit sad. For he had considered her as a choice for learner. Just then there was a scream outside the hall. The Masters adjourned to see the source of the scream.

I left my dorms my resolve strengthing with each step as I climbed the stairs to the mediation towers. They were located in the top of the spires making up the main building. They were connected by a walkway high in the air. It was this walkway on which I now stood. I took a deep breath stepped up on the railing and pushed off into the air. A for one sacred moment I was truly free, then gravity asserted its rights and I plummeted like a stone. I didn't scream I closed my eyes wrapped my arms around myself as I fell. Then everything stopped abruptly for me.

The members of the council were staring at a fixed spot on the ground, a bloody mass of limbs dressed in initiate's clothes lying in a heap on the temple steps. "A moment of silence for our lost sister" said Master Windu.