CHIBI'D: A Fanfic of Unusually Small Proportions

WARNINGS: Many five-year-olds and some implied shonen-ai. Nothing too bad.

DISCLAIMER: Me, own Naruto? Bah. We all know Sasuke has claim.

SPOILERS: Some Kakashi's Gaiden spoilers. I just read it, so I feel the need to incorporate useless factoids into my fanfiction. "The Yellow Flash?" Where do they get this crap? Moreover, how could they have given such an awesome jutsu such a lame name? Never mind. I'm just a hapless Yondaime fangirl; don't mind me...

FINALS MELTED MY BRAIN. THIS PROVES IT.

CHAPTER THREE OF THREE: Wabbit Season

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Kakashi was a genius. His father had been a genius, and he'd known a lot of geniuses in his lifetime. In fact, he'd even killed a couple geniuses during his career as a genius, which made him all the geniusier. He'd been graced with Sharingan by a dying friend, he'd made jounin at thirteen, and he'd been taught by the Fourth himself, Kohona's Yellow Flash.

You'd think that with all these achievements under his belt, he'd be able to convince four kids to eat their vegetables. It was rather sad that said kids were winning the argument against Kohona's famous Copy Ninja, because they were five, and therefore able to use completely flawed logic.

"Only wabbits eat veggies," Naruto said with a knowing nod, arms crossed over his chest. "An' I'm not a wabbit. Chibi-bastard over there is, but I'm not a wabbit. I'm a fox, and foxes eat wabbits!" And he proceeded to show his fangs, and then-to Sasuke's shock as much as Kakashi's-leaned over and started to gnaw on Sasuke's forearm.

Sasuke started wailing. Which Kakashi found somewhat unsurprising. He'd probably wail, too, if Naruto got it into his head that he was a wabbit and therefore tasty.

Sakura started crying, too, out of sympathy pain (or the simple fact that Naruto was given allowance to sink his teeth into Sasuke's body parts and she was not). Not to be left out, Iruka burst into tears as well, and Kakashi was suddenly faced with a table full of sobbing chibi-ninja and plates of uneaten vegetables.

"Don't-just-you four-please-" the jounin attempted to splutter out something of an admonition or plead, but he couldn't quite get the right words out past his mask. "You'll all get a timeout in the naughty chair if you don't calm down right now!"

"Liar," Naruto mumbled around Sasuke's arm. "You don't have a naughty chair."

"Stop eating me!" Sasuke shrieked shrilly, flapping his arm in an attempt to dislodge the fox-boy. No such luck; Naruto just giggled something about his rival tasting really good and held on tenaciously. Not quite in the mood to appreciate the impressive power of Naruto's jaws, Sasuke grabbed Iruka's hand and used it to quickly half-ass several hand-seals-

Hey, thought Kakashi detachedly. That looks like Chidori. It's a good thing that a five-year-old's body doesn't have the chakra control to pull it off, or Sasuke would probably try carving more whiskers into Naruto's face. Yup. Good thing he doesn't have the chakra for-

"CHIDORI!"

The crackling, chirping mass of blue chakra that appeared in Sasuke's free hand shouldn't have surprised his sensei. Not really. He should have known that Sasuke made a real point of proving him wrong, so of course he'd somehow manage to pull off a decent-size Chidori, despite his chibified form. With a cute snarl, Sasuke made as if to jam his chakra-laden hand into the fox-boy's head, and a very messy battle would have ensued over the dinner table had Kakashi not had the forethought to stop it before it happened.

"Oi!" Kakashi yelled, jerking Sasuke up out of his chair (shaking off the toothy blond leech still clinging to him) and firmly depositing him into his lap. "No A-level ninjutsu at the table!"

"Bah," Naruto pouted as Sasuke-feeling that he had ultimately won the argument-stuck his tongue out at his rival. "Yer no fun, Kakashi-sensei. I woulda kicked his ass, too."

This solved the problem for his three genin-Sakura went back to meekly eating her dinner, Sasuke continue to preen at the special treatment, and Naruto went back to finding new ways to hide his wabbit food. Unfortunately, Iruka continued to cry, and just looking at someone as adorable as Iruka-chibi crying made a person completely miserable.

With a sigh, Kakashi decided not to beat about the bush. "What's wrong now?"

"I wanna sit in your lap too, Ka'shi!" Iruka whimpered, wiping at his tears with a chubby fist.

Normally…normally, Kakashi would have promptly dumped Sasuke and cuddled with the more age-appropriate teacher, but said teacher wasn't quite age-appropriate at the moment. Hell, at the moment, he was five years old and ungodly cute.

"You can sit in my lap later, Iruka-sensei-er…-san…er-kun, I promise. I just have to keep the blindly hormonal boys from chewing on each other, understand?"

"Promise, Ka'shi?" Iruka sniffled, looking hopeful.

"Promise," Kakashi agreed. "Now stop crying and eat your vegetables, Iruka-kun."

The rest of dinner went fine. There was no dessert (as if they needed sugar), and the group consensus was that none of them wanted to watch G-rated movies, so Kakashi got the chibi-ninja ready for bed. He'd debated sending Sakura home for the night, seeing as she actually had a mother and father to go home to, but the idea of having to explain why their precious daughter had lost almost a decade of growth was not a palatable one. So he proclaimed the whole mess to be a sleepover and shepherded the children into the spare bedroom of his apartment, where he had set up two futons and stuck them together. It was about big enough to comfortably fit four tiny bodies, so Kakashi counted that much as a success.

Tsunade, in her infinite kindness (ha. So much ha.), had loaned the group several yukata that fit their small bodies much better than their remaining clothing had. Iruka supervised the bedtime dressing and washing-he still retained some of his characteristics as a teacher, God bless him-and it wasn't long before all four were dressed in yukata and tucked into bed.

And then had come the bedtime story.

Kakashi's genin would talk about it for years after.

"Once upon a time," Kakashi began, just as every storyteller worth his salt was supposed to. "There were three genin."

"Oooh, oooh!" Sakura squealed. "I like this story already, Kakashi-sensei! What were their names?"

"Icicle Boy, The Insufferably Pink Thing, and Wabbit," Kakashi said with a nod.

"Fucking wabbits," Naruto muttered, and nobody took the time to tell him that five-year-olds were not meant to have such colorful vocabularies. When it came to Naruto, most had learned that it did no good to tell him what was deemed proper, because then he'd make an effort to do precisely opposite.

"Anyway," Kakashi said, rolling his visible eye in exasperation. "The genin made up a fantastic team. They were all special in their own ways. Icicle Boy had a bloodline limit that could turn his ass into a solid piece of ice at any given time, which was somehow useful to ninjutsu. Don't ask how. It just was. The Insufferably Pink Thing was…very, very pink. She used it to blind enemies and hurt the eyes of self-respecting straight men, not that there were many around, seeing as both Wabbit and Icicle Boy were gay and in intense denial. The most powerful of the three, Wabbit, had the spirit and chakra of an S-level youma sealed within his body, Kyuubi no Usagi."

"The nine-tailed wabbit?" Naruto repeated, wrinkling his nose in distaste. "Laaaaaame. Its butt pro'bly looks like a lumpy marshmallow with all those taily things."

"Shut up and listen to your damned bedtime story," Kakashi growled, giving him a deep, one-eyed glare. "So anyway, Icicle Boy, Wabbit, and The Insufferably Pink Thing went on missions together, under the supervision of Ninjutsu Mask, the sexiest, most desirable ninja in the Five Nations. Ninjutsu Mask had a true love, the pleasantly handsome, gentle-hearted-"

"This is startin' to sound a lot like Icha Icha Paradise," Sakura said, frowning. She paused. "Not that I've read it or anything. 'Cause I haven't."

"My arm hurts," Sasuke whined at no one in particular. "I think it's infected."

"Pwease finish, Ka'shi-san," Iruka said, smiling. He was probably the only one really listening to Kakashi. "I like your story."

"Thank you, Iruka-kun. As I was saying, Ninjutsu Mask had a true love, the pleasantly handsome, gentle-hearted Scarface. Nobody knew about their love, because it was a secret thing-if their terrifically homophobic village was to find out that Scarface was romancing the roguish Ninjutsu Mask, it would have meant certain death for the both of them. They had to be careful, shagging only where they were sure that nobody would find them. Their love was a tantalizing, crushable thing-like a beautiful flower, their love would wither at the hands of an unmerciful gardener. Such a gardener existed, and his name was Icky Tongue the Foul! Because of their class differences, Ninjutsu Mask was forced to go on missions to fight Icky Tongue and his Plethora of Perfectly Nasty Minions, leaving Scarface alone to raise the children."

"They got kids?" Iruka asked, sounding pleased. "Thas' really sweet!"

"Er-no," Kakashi amended, interesting thoughts on how 'Scarface' and 'Ninjutsu Mask' might get children tickling at his mind (A/N: for further information on 'Scarface' and 'Ninjutsu Mask's' children, go read "Side Effects" by ChibiRisu. After you're finished reading this, of course. Yes.). "Um, Scarface was a teacher. Not at the Academy…somewhere…somewhere very else entirely."

"This bedtime story is sounding more and more like an allegorical representation of our lives," Sasuke said with a glare (and a vocabulary) a five-year-old was really not meant to have.

"No it isn't," Kakashi said stubbornly, scowling beneath his mask. "Fine. Bedtime. Go to sleep now, kidlets, and hopefully I'll figure out something to do with the lot of you tomorrow."

"'Night, Kakashi-sensei!" the four chorused dutifully, and Kakashi suffered a slight smile at the intense force of their cuteness.

Children could be very cute at times. Terrific. Wonderful. Beautiful, scarring, painful, obnoxious children…

I never wanted children, Kakashi groused as he got himself ready for bed. Ever. Geniuses don't make good fathers; the White Fang of Kohona taught me that much early on in life. So this-four children-four children, by God, and how am I supposed to take care of them? I'm not parenting material! I'm more spastically crazy uncle that the rest of the family doesn't speak of material! I might have been able to deal if Iruka hadn't turned chibi, too.

But then again, Iruka makes a heinously adorable five-year-old. Iruka…he's plain, but in a gentle way, and he's good with kids-especially Naruto, and that's a God-given skill rival to any jutsu I've ever seen. Almost makes me wish I hadn't ignored him before I became team seven's leader, but he's fairly unremarkable to begin with. If not for Naruto, I'd probably never have even realized his existence.

…Ninjutsu Mask and Scarface. Heh.

Kakashi slid off his Kohona head-protector, tugged down his mask, and crawled into his own bed. Exhausted, he was asleep within minutes.

It didn't last long.

"Ka'shi? Ka'shi, are you awake?" a small, inquisitive voice piped, stirring the silver-haired shinobi from his shallow dreams. He snorted in surprise, half sitting-up in bed. Uncovered, his Sharingan eye could pick out the pale blue chakra signature of the 'eldest' chibi, wavering unsteadily in the doorway.

"'Ruka?" he slurred fuzzily, rubbing at his eyes. "That you?"

"Yeah…I had a bad dream," Iruka whimpered, a thin whine throbbing in his little chest. "C'n I sweep wi' you? Pwease? Naruto won't wake up an' Sasuke said I was bein' a pussy."

Now we've gone from wanting to sit in my lap to wanting to sleep with me. Man. If only he wasn't five years old…we really need to fix this age-reversing water thing…

Waiting patiently for his answer, Iruka shifted his weight on the balls of his feet and dabbed his tear-moistened face with the yukata's sleeve. Being miserable just strengthened his cuteness, and even the great Kakashi found himself unable to resist that little scarred face.

"Sasuke has issues with his own femininity, and Naruto wouldn't wake up under any circumstance besides ramen being set before his face or Sasuke stripping. So yes. Fine. Come in here before you catch cold," he said shortly, lifting one corner of his blanket and patting the warm futon next to him in invitation.

With a gleeful squeal, the little boy trotted to the jounin's side, burrowing under the covers with a blissfully bright smile. He cuddled without the reservations his older self would have undoubtedly had; he latched on to one of Kakashi's arms and fit his soft body snugly against the hard musculature of the older man's. Kakashi wasn't about to deny liking it. Iruka was nearly purring, his cheek pressed against the jounin's bicep. Being exhausted to begin with-in his mind, this mission had gone from being a D rank to an A or B rank very, very quickly-he was about to slip back into a shallow slumber when Iruka noticed something and squeaked, tugging at a hank of his choppy silver hair.

"Ara!" Iruka-chibi chirped, his dark eyes huge as he looked at the lower hemisphere of Kakashi's face for the first time. He honestly didn't have anything to hide under his mask-he had a straight nose and sensual lips, his pale skin marked only by silvery stubble along his jaws and chin. "You do have a face!"

"Yes I do," Kakashi agreed, scratching sleepily at his slightly bristly chin. He'd always figured that he didn't need to shave regularly, seeing as nobody ever saw his face anyways. "Not that I advertise the fact, but yes."

"An' you've got lips an' ev'rything!"

"Iruka-kun," Kakashi groaned, tucking the boy to his chest in order to shut him up. "Please get over your shock so that I can go back to sleep…"

"'Kay, Ka'shi," Iruka said amiably, nestling his head into the curve below Kakashi's chin. "'Nighty-'night."

"'Nighty-'night, kidlet," the jounin said, and patted his thick brown ponytail. "You'll probably not have nightmares with me around. I'm a jounin, you know, and I'm an official killer of any and all nightmare creatures. The monsters beneath my bed cleared out long ago, so they won't bother you here."

"I know," Iruka said, smiling up at him, gap-toothed and childish. "You're the bestest, Ka'shi."

---

Tsunade knew something that Kakashi and his group of chibi did not. Tsunade knew a little something about the water of youth, being a medic-nin before all else. Having studied the water, she knew that its effects were temporary. Very temporary. It worked longest when one bathed in it because of the way it seeped into pores, but even then the effects were twenty-fours hours or less. Ingesting the water gave a brief effect-twelve hours max until the drinker's system flushed it out. That was why Tsunade hadn't been too terribly worried about one of her genin teams being 'infected' by the water: she knew that they'd be back in working order relatively quickly, so everything would be fine.

Waking up nude and lying on top of Naruto, Sasuke did not think that this whole mess was fine. Not fine at all. He'd been having a perfectly wonderful dream about murdering his brother in cold blood when he'd become aware of sunlight angling across his shoulders, teasing and increasingly hot. Sasuke, being easily irritated, had fidgeted, and the warm, fleshy thing beneath him had grunted as one bony knee connected with something tender.

It was then that Sasuke registered that said warm, fleshy thing smelled a lot like a certain dobe, and that he was lying face-down against said warm, fleshy thing. Said warm, fleshy thing was wearing a lot less clothing than he was particularly comfortable with. Actually, neither he nor the warm, fleshy thing (known to his more awake mind as Uzumaki Naruto) were wearing anything, and Naruto's arms were wrapped around his slender waist, his hands loosely cupping his bare posterior.

Sasuke took this scene in for a minute or two-naked and lying on his equally naked teammate, a very naked version of Sakura half-draped over their entwined legs-before everything clicked neatly into place and he utterly snapped.

Kakashi was jerked awake by Sasuke's bellowing of "FUCKING-PERVERTED-BASTARD! GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF MY ASS!", and found himself to be in the company of a ninja in generally the same state of blissful undress.

Iruka had reverted to his natural age sometime during the night-as Kakashi surmised his genin had; the screams sounded distinctly more mature than the squeaks he'd heard the night before. Unfortunately for the very modest teacher, the yukata that had fit Iruka's five-year-old self had died a painful death upon his growth-what was left of the yukata was tangled in the blankets, ripped to pieces by an adult's body.

This left Kakashi with a very naked teacher snuggled up against him, his head resting on his chest, one arm flung across his waist.

Kakashi was not complaining at all. In fact, he wished that Sasuke would keep his scandalized screaming to himself, because Iruka was quickly being stirred awake, his darkly-lashed eyes fluttering as he fought for consciousness. The moment would quickly be broken at this rate. Kakashi pressed a soft kiss to the teacher's forehead, making Iruka murmur dazedly as he opened his eyes and found a pair of parti-colored eyes staring at him, warm with amusement.

"Good morning, sunshine," Kakashi grinned, relishing the embarrassed blush that faintly dusted Iruka's cheeks.

Like in Sasuke's case, it took a few moments of sleepy connections and misfiring for Iruka to fully realize his situation. Kakashi could almost see the cogs turning in his head: alright, so I'm me again. And I'm in Kakashi's bed. It doesn't seem like anything untoward is going on, so my staid reputation is safe enough for now. I'm probably late for class-I need to get back to my apartment in order to get my clothes, and…clothes, and…

…and I'm naked. And on top of Kakashi. And he's smiling. And I'm naked.

And good Lord, there goes my virginity.

Iruka jumped up as if burnt, realized for a second time that he was baring a lot of flesh, hastily sat down, and jerked the comforter off of Kakashi and around his waist. He huffed and flushed, fit to die of sheer embarrassment, and Kakashi, being Kakashi, didn't help matters in the least.

"So," Kakashi drawled as Iruka's growing mortification blossomed into a terrifically red blush. "Still want to sit on my lap? It seems to be unoccupied at the moment, if you're still interested."

"I-I-" Iruka stammered as he attempted to cover himself with the sheets, his face beet-red to the tips of his ears. "Dear God, I…oh dear…I didn't sleep with you, did I?"

"Yes, you did sleep with me," Kakashi grinned. In the literal sense of the term, of course… "Because 'Ka'shi is the bestest'."

"Oh dear God!" Iruka whimpered.

Kakashi would straighten the matter out later, when Iruka wasn't so deliciously humiliated. He could hear his genin arguing in the other room, undoubtedly grown out of their yukata as well-"YOU were lying on ME! I had to put my hands somewhere, and your ass just happened to be convenient!" "Are you saying my ass is big, you bastard!" "No-yes-no! Gah!" "Wabbit! Wabbitwabbitwabbit!" "Sasuke-kun's going to think I'm a sluuuuuuuuuut!".

"Oh God," Iruka whimpered again, covering his face with his hands. "I lost my virginity to a manwhore pervert. I can never look at myself in the mirror again."

In all, Kakashi would count it as a happy ending.

OWARI

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A/N: I shouldn't be allowed to inflict my somewhat bizarre sense of humor on unsuspecting people. If you're still going WTF, I'm sorry. It sounded like a good idea to write this, but I think that finals, end-of-term projects, and more than a little stress had a hand in that conclusion.

I'm such a fangirl. I'll use any excuse to get Naruto and Sasuke naked, especially when my real life gets stressful.

Bah. I hope you enjoyed this, if it didn't melt your brain.

…Wabbits. Hehehe…