|Wanting what I should not want
Author: Morgana-Alex PM
Minerva recounts how she came to the conclusion that her feelings for a certain student were not what they should be. HGMM Chapter 5 upRated: Fiction T - English - Romance - Hermione G. & Minerva M. - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,913 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 08-31-06 - Published: 05-11-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2389553
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: These wonderful women are owned by JKR I am just making them act out my fantasies, I promise to give them back in good order when I am done with them.
A/N: For those of you who haven't worked it out yet I write for two pairings AD/MM and HG/MM this story is for the latter.
Minerva recounts how she came to the conclusion that her feelings for a certain student were not what they should be and how she deals with the first tentative steps before a relationship can begin. Yes this story is about two women and love, if the idea of that disgusts you, you truly need help and you should not be reading my fic.
This story is dedicated to the one and only Bella whose birthday it is today, so Happy BirthdayBella I hope you have a wonderful day my darling.
For the rest of you enjoy and please review. ;-) Morgana-Alex
Wanting what I should not want?
My heart is racing and my mind can do little to calm the emotional storm that is raging around me.
How? Why? Are the only two words I seem to be capable of uttering at this moment in time.
They are of course the simplest forms of the questions I cannot voice in their entirety.
The whole questions being; how did I let myself fall in love with such an innocent creature? And why did I not exercise my legendary self-control and stay away from her?
Did I expect that being Minerva McGonagall made me immune to affairs of the heart? Most of my students would tell you that I do not have a heart of that if I do it is made of ice. I know now that I had spent to many years believing in the image I projected to keep my young charges at arms length.
Please let me clarify a few things I am not disputing the fact that I have been tempted once or twice in the past by pupils who knew exactly what they were trying to do and by others who didn't have a clue as to their ability to bewitch their seemingly incorruptible transfiguration professor.
Each and every one of those times I have taken a step back and reinstated the professor student distance. Each time I reminded myself that I did not need what they had to offer, that such lust could be sated with less complications than the ones presented by teenagers.
For Merlin's sake I have been a teacher for nearly 40 years I know how to distinguish between what is acceptable and what is not; I know that there are many reasons why the rules we live by are in place.
Yet none of that knowledge or hard learned self-control saved me this time, this time a student had gotten under my skin and there was not a thing I could do to stop myself falling under her spell.
I mean spell in the non-active magic way of course she has not used her power or skill with potions to capture my heart. Nevertheless she has bewitched me completely, I know it is madness to believe myself in love with her and yet that is exactly what I feel.
I can tell you the exact date I noticed her as a woman, the day I realised that I wanted more from her than the simple companionship of a student and friend.
She had helped me tidy my classroom after the last lesson of the day and as she had passed me a pile of books she had collected from each desk my hand brushed hers and neither of us moved. My eyes had been focused on the books and as I raised them to her face my heart raced I knew that if I looked into her eyes I would see one of two emotions reflected back at me either love or disgust, I dreaded both in equal measure. Her eyes reflected what must have been obvious in mine they reflected love. The part of me that was still capable of reasonable thought was telling me to move, leave the room and run away.
Though that part of me did not win my internal struggle; I took the books form my student's hands, placed them on the table beside me and raised my right hand to caress her face and she leaned into my caress.
As I moved closer, placed my fingers under her chin and brought her lips to meet mine in what would be the first of many kisses, I knew that any attempt to fight my heart would fail miserably.
The kiss was unlike anything I had ever experienced before; it made me feel light-headed, it was filled with more passion and more love than I knew existed.
I pulled back to regard my student, her face flushed and her lips curved into a smile.
I knew there would be no turning back we had crossed the line.
"Minerva." My name rolled off her tongue and her voice sent shivers down my spine.
"Hermoine." She moved to claim my lips once more. But a classroom was not a venue for such an assignation.
"Not here my darling. Besides we have some talking to do first." Her eyes suddenly downcast and once again I lifted her chin so I could look into the window of her soul.
"After dinner tonight come to my rooms." She removed my hand from her chin and kissed my palm before walking from the room saying;
"Until tonight my Minerva."
I had gone directly to my rooms when I had left my classroom moments after Hermoine.
I took a shower, changed my robes, applied simply make-up and told myself that I was doing all this to keep busy, but I knew I was getting ready for a date with my soon to be lover. Even as my mind screamed what do you think you are doing she is a student? I continued to preen myself.
Sitting on my windowsill watching as dusk fell, waiting for that knock on my chamber door, the knock that would seal my fate.
It came at precisely 8 o'clock and caused my heart to leap in my chest. I stood, smoothed imaginary creases from my robes and opened the door.
If I had any doubts as to my actions tonight they flew out the window at the sight of her in that dress.
It was not as if my mind had any say in what I was about to do, I knew that wanting her was wrong, she may have been of age but she as still my student, yet I was not about to stop myself from taking her.
I could hear my heart beat - as clearly as I could hear a class of rowdy children – as I watched her enter my sitting room. The colour in my cheeks rose as she caught me watching her every movement. Though not from embarrassment but from the excitement I saw in her eyes.
"Minerva are you going to offer me a drink?" She laughed and smiled each word and for a moment left me wondering just who was the student in this room.
"Of course forgive my failing manners. What would you like?"
"Something that befits the evening Champagne perhaps." I could not believe that my student had asked for Champagne, I was determined that no alcohol would pass either of our lips tonight we needed to talk and we needed to be sober for that talk.
"I think not my dear maybe after we talk. How about some tea?" I asked in a voice that betrayed far more emotion than I thought wise.
"Tea would be lovely Minerva." I waved my wand and two steaming cups of tea appeared on the table in front of us.
If it was possible Hermoine moved closer to me when she had picked up her cup from the table.
"Now Minerva I believe you wanted to talk." It was a statement and one designed to catch me off guard. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to kiss her and never let her go.
However one of us needed to say what needed to be said.
"Yes Hermoine we need to talk, relationships between professors and students are strictly forbidden. I could lose my job simply for entertaining the thought let alone what I did this afternoon and what I am doing now. The rules we live by here at Hogwarts are there for a reason, they are there to protect you from professors who would take advantage of your innocence." My student made to speak and I held a single finger to her lips to prevent her from interrupting me. I knew if she spoke even a single word now it would be my undoing.
"Please let me finish. I will not lie to you Hermoine, I will admit that my feelings for you are not the feelings a professor should have for her student, yet you have consumed my heart. But please know that I will not hurt you or pressure you to do anything you do not wish to do. You may leave my chambers anytime you chose and if my advances are unwelcome all you need to do is tell me and I will never speak of them to you again." I sat silent watching her face for her reaction, parts of me wishing for one answer and parts of me wishing for another; all confused as to how this young woman had become the subject of my dreams.
"Minerva I understand the conflict that must be raging within you, I understand what you are risking merely my inviting me here tonight. But I also understand that I would not have come here tonight if your attentions were unwelcome. I am far from being the naïve young woman most expect me to be, I know the desire that is raging within me begging to be sated is there because of you. If you decide I am not worth the risk to your job, to your reputation then all you need to do is tell me and I will leave never to speak of my heart to you again. But know My Minerva that you will always hold my heart whether you chose to welcome it or not." How could I continue to believe this wonderful woman was just my student and my friend? I realised be it a good or bad thing that I was in love with Hermoine Granger and there was not a thing I wanted to do to change that fact.
A/N: This fic is intended to be a one-shot. if you want me to write more please let me know and I will try my best to continue. Otherwise I will leave it as it is. Many thanks for making it this far now please hit that little button and tell me what you think good, bad or indifferent. See you soon Morgana-Alex