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Rarothi
Author of 3 Stories |
A/N: Major Sue bashing ahead! Read at your own risk. (And you… yes you, the Suethor who is offended by this fic, go ahead and flame me. I don't have to live with the guilt that I am continually ruining a perfectly good fandom.)
Disclaimer: Yep, Avatar isn't mine. You should know this by now.
And directly into Prince Zuko's eyes.
"Damn it," he grumbled, turning away. If he had to look at one more shiny thing, we was going to have to torch the next unfortunate person to cross his path. Some twisted part of his mind wished it was his uncle – Mr. It-was-in-my-sleeve-the-whole-time. Grrr!
Suddenly, as if right on cue, something very shiny popped up in front of his face. The prince shielded his eyes and stumbled backward, nearly falling off of his ship. It was so bright and… sparkly… like some kind of freaky disco ball. Zuko was just about to set the horrid, shiny whatever-it-was on fire (and do so gladly, might I add) when a shriek issued for the ball of shininess.
"ZUKOOOOOOOOOO!1!eleven!"
All thoughts of setting fire to the shiny-thing when out of Zuko's mind for an instant, but only because he had to clamp his hands on either side of his head to allay the sensation that it was going to split down the middle. Much to his relief, the shriek, and the light, ended as suddenly as they had started. Before him stood a teenage girl, with long, wavy pink-and-purple streaked hair, and eyes that shimmered like emeralds…
Or flying bison snot. Pick one.
"Who are you?" the fire prince demanded. He very soon came to regret the question, because he found out that that horrible shrieking sound actually came out of the girl's mouth.
"Lyke OMG!" she squealed, clapping her hands and doing some sore of dance that made her look like she really had to go the bathroom. "I'm Princess Annabanana Sparkleglitter Insertrandomjapanesenamehere… erson, but you can call me Sparkle because it's shorter and will fit on our marriage certificate easier!"
Zuko's eyebrows went up and he felt a sudden desire to set this girl aflame and throw up all at once. First off, what the hell kind of name was 'Sparkle'? Secondly, how did she get on his ship? Thirdly, why? Just plain, why? The prince chose his next words very carefully, "And you are here because…?"
Princess Annaba… er… 'Sparkle', looked absolutely shocked. "Don't you know? It's SO WE CAN FALL IN LUFF!11!1!one!" she exclaimed, flinging her arms up and moving to give her princey-wincey a big hug.
Zuko reacted as any sane Firebender – with a wall of fire. Sparkle stopped in her tracks, lest the flames mar her perfect hair. "If you take one more step, I'll turn you into fried Sparkle-on-a-stick," he snapped, then paused. Sparkle-on-a-stick? Where the hell did that come from? That was not was he intended to say… it wasn't something he would ever say in his entire life! The prince stares upwards. "What is going on?" he demanded.
There was no reply… it's not as though he was talking to anybody…
"I'm talking to you! The girl with the keyboard!"
Hey, wait a second. Don't drag me into this!
"It's your fault this menace is on my ship, now get her off!" Again, Zuko paused and looked quite confused. "How do I even know what a keyboard is, anyway?"
Sue Radiation, I replied simply. And I can't get Annabanana Shiny What's-her-face off of your ship.
Zuko's fists ignited. "And why not?" he asked through clenched teeth.
Because she doesn't want to leave. Look for yourself.
The Fire Nation prince looked down. Sparkle was clinging to his ankle, sobbing uncontrollably. "PLEASE DON'T LET HER TAKE ME AWAY!"
"Let go of me," Zuko said disgustedly, as though he'd just stepped in Rhino poo. He shook the sobbing girl off of his leg, and let her sit on the deck and dry her own tears. He was quite surprised when she looked up at him and smiled.
"Do you pity me yet?" she asked hopefully.
"No," Zuko said flatly, "But that overwhelming urge to set you on fire has come back." Again, he looked up. "Are you sure…?"
Positive, I said flatly. (I certainly didn't want Princess Smoopsy-poo up here with me.) But, I suppose I could help you out if you need it.
"I suppose that'll do," Zuko agreed begrudgingly. His eyes darted to the girl sitting on the deck of his ship. "What's that you said about… Sue Radiation?"
Ah, Sue Radiation. It makes everyone who comes into contact with the Mary Sue, in your case, Sparkler there.
"My name is Sparkle," Sparkle barked, looking quite evil for a second, then reverting back to her annoyingly sweet self.
Whatever. As I was saying, Sue Radiation makes everyone who comes into contact with the Mary Sue gain knowledge of things that don't even exist in their universe, speak with bad grammar (and a sudden, unexplained lacking of quotation marks), and act REALLY out of character. You're holding up quite well, actually.
"Out of…?"
"Nephew!"
Zuko's head snapped in his uncle's direction, and Sparkle leapt to her feet. "IROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" she shrieked, throwing herself at Iroh in a glomp.
Iroh looked frightened for his life, but it lasted only a moment. His demeanor softened and he gave Sparkle a lovely hug. "Hello my dear," he said cheerily. "What brings you aboard our ship?"
Sparkle beamed – it was the first time anyone had ever bothered to ask her about her origin. Now it was time to pour out the angst. "One night, when the moon was full, I was abandoned by my mother and left to die in the cold and lonely wild…" and on she talked, for a good half hour. (I'm sparing you all, thank me later.)
When the seemingly endless flow of words stopped, Zuko thought that setting himself on fire might be nice about now.
"You shall stay with us," Iroh declared. "You may have Prince Zuko's room and we can have tea."
"What?" Zuko leapt to his feet. "There is no way that… that thing is staying in my quarters!"
"Calm down nephew. You must try some tea, it will help calm you down," Iroh said serenely, and sidled off, muttering to himself about tea. (Because we all know that's all Iroh thinks about.)
Zuko dazedly watched his uncle go as Sparkle waved enthusiastically. "Bye Uncle Iroh!" she chortled and skipped of to her new room.
The prince looked up at me. "We have got to get rid of her."
I know, but it won't be that easy. The fandom is plagued with her kind.
Zuko cringed. The thought of anyone who remotely resembled Sparkle made his stomach turn. This was not going to be fun.
