Behind the Smile

Author's Note: Yay for chapter four. I'm sorry I took so long at getting this out, but I've been having a lot of trouble handling my homework along with all my stories. I've been having a bit of writer's block lately, but with working on four different stories at once, who wouldn't? Check them out if you can- if you're a fan of one of the anime series or games that I've written about, you might have fun reading. Anywho, just sit back, relax, and enjoy chapter four!

Disclaimer: Let's just say that if I did own Xenosaga, a lot of things would be different. MOMO and Jr.'s relationship, namely. More fluff. More cuteness. WHY THE $ ISN'T THERE ANY &#$ING CUTENESS?

Chapter Four – Grant Me a Miracle

I hadn't spoken to Rubedo for over a month now, but I was getting increasingly worried about him. Despite the kind attempts from Nigredo and Albedo to take my mind off of Rubedo, I couldn't help but notice that he wasn't his usual self lately. He seemed really depressed... moreso than Sakura had described to me; he was quiet, withdrawn, and didn't even so much as look at me in the hallways anymore. That last part still stung a bit, although I was much more concerned about him than my own feelings. Had I done something more to upset him..? The only theory I had that made sense would be that he was upset about what happened in the courtyard a month ago, but that couldn't be right... did I really mean something to him after all? If I did, why hadn't he just told me?

Sakura wasn't spending as much time with him as usual, either. Whenever I asked her about it, she always said that Rubedo was keeping to himself, and was impossible to talk to at the moment.

Regardless of my concern for Rubedo's well being, however, I was starting to believe that I was making progress. With his brothers' attention, it was easier to tolerate the hurt and sadness of losing him.

On the slightly brighter side, it was much easier to concentrate on my schoolwork now, without him on my mind all the time. Albedo and Nigredo both made sure I didn't get picked on, either. Things were seemingly going better than they had before... but there was still a hole in my heart that was meant for my best friend... for the boy I loved. I had difficulty believing that that hole would ever be filled without Rubedo, but time heals all wounds, as many people have said in the past... so I would wait for it to close.

"Ms. Mizrahi," the teacher said, her stoic, monotonous voice cutting through my depressing reverie. "Can you give us the answer to question five?"

I immediately sat up straight in my chair, face flushing pink as I stuttered for an answer. I hated being caught daydreaming... I hated being the center of attention of most of the class, for that matter. Embarassed, I glanced over at Nigredo, who... was wearing a yellow post-it note on the back of his sleeve? I blinked as I read its contents, startled at what it said. 'X 42.'

"Um... X equals forty-two?" I inquired timidly.

Ms. Godwin blinked, her slack features showing a bit of surprise as she nodded her ascent. "Very good, Ms. Mizrahi. It appears you have been paying attention." She turned her back to write on the blackboard, her oddly-colored purple hair gleaming in the sunlight that streamed in through the open window.

I glanced over at Nigredo with a grateful look, and he just grinned and winked at me, crumpling up the small note and tossing it into the garbage. It was small things like that that he and Albedo had been gracing me with for the past few weeks. I had to admit, even though it was new to me, I loved the attention.

I was beginning to catch small hints from them that suggested some possible romantic interest... I wasn't completely dense, after all. It frightened me a bit, honestly. I was still having difficulty letting go of Rubedo, and didn't think I was ready to give my heart to someone else. To my overwhelming relief, though, they seemed to understand completely, and be okay with it. Well... Nigredo did, at least. He assured me that he would explain it to Albedo and make sure that he understood as well.

My only fear was that the two of them would think they had to compete with one another... I would hate to be the cause of a sibling rivalry. I didn't mention it to either of them for fear of sounding conceited, although for the moment, it seemed to be grossly unfounded. The two were focused mainly on making me feel better, and I hadn't seen them have a single argument since... well, come to think of it, I don't think I'd ever seen them argue. Discluding petty little things that siblings always quarreled over, of course. I suppressed a snicker at a memory of them yelling at each other over their mixed-up gym clothes. Nigredo was complaining that Albedo's smelled awful, and Albedo was annoyed that Nigredo's was ironed and pressed, and was therefore itchy and uncomfortable.

Apparently, hygiene ranked somewhat differently on their priority lists.

Besides that, my breakdowns over Rubedo seemed to be getting fewer and more far between, with both of them there to lean on when I needed it. They were both so sweet about it, too...

"Momo..." Albedo murmured softly, his hand rising to gently cradle my cheek in his palm. My tears continued to flow, streaming over his hand as I wept. "Please don't cry... I can't stand seeing you cry."

I made an effort to hold in my tears, but it only resulted in a hysterical hiccup followed by more sobs. "I'm... I'm sorry... i-it's just that I... I can't-"

I was quieted instantly when Albedo's arms wrapped around me and pulled me into a warm embrace, much like the one we'd shared in the school's hallway on that awful day. "Shhhh..." he whispered, rocking me gently back and forth. I gripped his shirt with trembling hands as I fought to gain control over my emotions, swallowing thickly. I felt one of his hands rub my back gently as the other rose to run through my hair, and I sniffled pathetically. His embrace felt warm and good... and within a few moments I was quiet again, leaning against his chest and wiping away the last of my tears. He continued to hold me, though- not that I minded- still rocking me gently in his arms.

"That asshole," Albedo suddenly hissed angrily, his grip on me tightening until it almost hurt. "If there were some way for me to make him pay for what he's done to you, hurt him like he's hurt you..."

"No," I breathed, suddenly a bit frightened at Albedo's burst of anger, but determined to calm him down in whatever small way I could. "I wouldn't want you to. I can't be mad at him for not loving me, and I don't think you can, either. It's just the way things are."

Albedo paused for a moment, then sighed heavily, and his tight hold on me loosened. "Momo," he whispered softly, resting his chin on my head. "Sometimes I think you're too kind for your own good..."

I smiled despite myself, closing my eyes and leaning into him once more. "Maybe I am..."

After that encounter with Albedo, I found it hard to look directly at him, but he didn't seem to mind it at all. If anything, he teased me about it, pointing out whenever I was blushing and calling it 'cute.'

Nigredo wasn't quite as open with his feelings as Albedo was, but I could tell he cared about me, and that was enough.

"Momo," Nigredo said quietly.

"Hai?" I answered with a fake smile, pushing aside my own thoughts to focus on the black-haired boy. "What is it?"

When he turned to look at me, I almost gasped at the depth of sorrow I could see in his sea-green eyes. "You don't have to pretend to be happy for us, you know. Keeping it locked up inside can only hurt you. It's not healthy."

I went rigid at the statement, staring down at my lunch in poorly concealed shock. He could see right through me. It shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did- I knew Nigredo was an intelligent boy- but I hadn't expected him to recognize my facade as quickly as he did. I opened my mouth to speak, but he silenced me just as quickly with a finger over my lips. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks, but I didn't say anything, waiting for whatever he was planning to say.

"I know you think you have to be strong for us, Momo, but you don't," he said softly. "We're your friends. We're here to help you."

"Nigredo..." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again, and choked back a sob. "Thank you..."

He only offered a sad smile and wiped a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb. "Anytime, Momo."

I was laughing at something Albedo had said while the two of us walked towards the archery range, me with my bow and quiver of arrows in tow and he with both of our backpacks slung over his shoulder. He'd stuck faithfully by his promise to walk me home after school every day, despite the fact that he had to wait two long, boring hours through my archery class before he could do so. Nigredo joined us some of the time as well, but he had kendo practice after school every other day.

Albedo took a seat on the stands as I joined my fellow archers by the target range, tugging uncomfortably at the traditional black hakama that was part of the required uniform. As I lifted my bow and took the familiar steps to position myself for the first shot, a heated blush stained my cheeks when I felt Albedo's eyes on me. Even though I was beginning to get used to the feeling, it was still a little embarassing to know he was watching me. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the target and my arrow, willing them to meet at the point where I was aiming.

Thwap.

Slightly to the right of the bulls-eye.

I could see Albedo smiling towards me out of the corner of my eye, and again my cheeks heated. Neither Mom or Sakura had ever taken an interest in my extra-curricular activities, so I'd never had an audience that I knew before. It was a pleasant feeling... knowing that he was watching and silently cheering me on. I'd never really considered asking Jr. to come to one of my tournaments, since they were so long and tedious. I'd asked Albedo why he bothered, but he'd only said that he enjoyed watching me, and didn't think it was boring at all. It was really sweet...

Shaking off the thought, I closed my eyes and pulled back my next arrow, focusing on visualizing the target in my mind once again.

Thwap.

It was slightly to the left of the bulls-eye this time.

I blew my bangs away from my face in frustration, pulling out my last arrow and drawing my eyebrows together in concentration. I let my eyes wander the field to take everything in so I wouldn't be distracted by any new presences, but as I caught sight of a flash of red, my breath caught in my throat and my hold on the arrow loosened.

Thud.

My arrow missed the target completely.

Rubedo? What was he doing here? He was standing by the wooden fence that kept visitors out of the way of stray arrows and looking directly at me. I forgot to breathe for a moment, frozen in place from the position of loosing my third arrow.

I didn't realize until now how much I'd missed looking into his deep cerulean eyes, getting lost in the depth of their emotion... and something from the way he was staring at me told me that he was thinking the exact same thing about me.

His gaze was wistful, full of... longing? For me? That couldn't be right. He was in love with Sakura- he probably just saw a bit of her in me. That must've been it. Despite the rationalization, my heart still sped up in my chest, and my feet stayed rooted to their spots.

Maybe he just missed having me as a friend... I had heard Nigredo's warning to him to stay away from me if he only thought of me as such, but at that point I'd already come to the conclusion that he no longer cared for me like he used to. Perhaps I was wrong in thinking that. Either way, he cared about Sakura more, and I couldn't keep deluding myself into believing that he would one day love me as much as I'd loved him.

Regardless, I had decided to get over him and move on, so regretfully I tore my gaze away from his and breathed in deeply. Instead of relief like I'd expected, my heart wrenched in my chest, begging me to look back into those ocean blue pools, but I adamantly refused. I was going to get past this, no matter how long it took me.

I could sense Albedo trying to withhold his anger, glaring over at his brother with malice and the promise of pain in the near future. I turned and waved to catch his attention, then sent a gentle smile his way. Immediately he relaxed, relieved to see that I was not troubled by Rubedo's appearance, and offered a small grin of his own.

"Momo-chan?" a soft feminine voice asked behind me, the speaker tapping my shoulder lightly. I whirled around, embarassed to be caught staring when I was in the middle of the target range.

"H-hai?" I recognized the girl immediately- it was Kirsch, the silver-haired girl I'd had a few brief encounters with before. She was very kind, from what I could gather, but also very timid and quiet, even moreso than myself.

Kirsch gave me a rare and uncharacteristic smile of amusement and humor, glancing over at Albedo and then back to me. "Something on your mind lately, Momo-chan? You've been standing in front of that target for a good ten minutes already."

There were few things in the world I would have wanted more right then than to sink into the ground in embarassment and disappear. I bowed quickly to the other girl, blushing as I stammered for an apology. "A-ano... gomen nasai, Kirsch-san. I got a little... um... side-tracked."

To my surprise, the girl just laughed, waving it off carelessly with a toss of her hand. "So I see. Don't worry about it, I was just curious. Besides, you seem to have another admirer over there," she nodded towards the fence, where Rubedo was still leaning against it and staring over at me... but he seemed to be staring off into space, as if deep in thought. Still, it was unnerving to feel his eyes on me.

"Oh, him? No, Rubedo likes my sister," I tried to act nonchalant about the way I said it, but there was still a pretty obvious hint of sorrow in my voice.

"Really? Hm... well, could've fooled me. Still, I'd be glad to have even one good-looking admirer," she nodded towards Albedo and winked at me with a playful grin. This was a side of Kirsch that I'd never seen before, and I immediately decided that I liked it. An answering grin tugged at the corners of my mouth, and the two of us giggled hysterically for a moment.

"Momo, Kirsch, are the two of you going to stand there and gossip all day or practice like the rest of us?"

My face reddened, and I vaguely noticed that Kirsch's did as well. "H-hai! Gomen ne, senpai," I answered, and the two of us turned back to the range- although we couldn't stop giggling when we glanced at each other.

I glanced back at Albedo before turning back to focus my attention on practice again, but did a double-take when I saw his expression. There was something odd there... he almost looked angry, but for the most part his face was unreadable. I gave him a questioning glance, but he only smiled and waved back at me. I hesitated, but returned the smile and turned back to work. Perhaps he was just thinking about Rubedo or something of the sort.

"Momo-chan, are you actually going to shoot that arrow, or spend all day aiming?" Kirsch giggled again.

I had to admit, it felt good to have friends again.