Title: "Damn you"

Author: Zoe (annyablack)

Rating: G

Pairing: Remus/Sirius

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JK Rowling

Summary: Remus's first night at Hogwarts during PoA

A/N: I wrote that a year ago and found it again today. Please excuse my mistakes English is not my first language.

Enjoy

Remus closed the door behind him and breathed deeply. He shut his eyes and a single tear trickled down his face. He embraced the solitude of his room with relief. He needed to be alone. He really doubted he could last another minute in the Great Hall. The feelings were too strong to bear. He wasn't prepared for it. He didn't truly have the chance to realize what it meant to be back. He never actually thought he'd be back in the first place. Ever. He laughed with himself. How could he be so naïve?

He walked towards the bed. His pacing was slow and tired. He sat down heavily and touched the soft sheets. Everything felt so familiar, smelt familiar. This place was full of memories. Good and bad. This was home and it welcomed him back, urged him to remember, to feel again. "And that's the last thing I need right now" Remus thought. He had to maintain his self control. There were classes to be taught and many other "matters" to be taken care off. "Matters"… "That's one way of putting it, Lupin"

He still refused to think about him. Even though he was the reason he was back. He was afraid to think about him, he hadn't done so for many years.

At first it was hard to stop thinking about him. He kept wondering, asking questions, trying to explain the inexplicable, hoping, wanting him back. And then, one day, he just stop wondering, reasoning, wanting. Hoping? He guessed he never stopped hoping and that was what kept him going. He didn't even admit to himself but he did hope. Not for something in particular. He simply hoped. All his other emotions had gone numb. And the voice that was screaming inside his head was finally hushed.

That didn't apply here.

The voice was louder than ever. And the feelings… the feelings were making him bleed inside.

He lied on his bed and hugged his pillow. He wasn't used in being so vulnerable. So overly emotional. Ever since he was a little boy he had to be tough, able take care of himself, ready to spend a lonely life, ready to accept people's bigotry. He had no other choice. And then he met James, Peter and Sirius. They became his friends. Accepted him, became animagi for him. He couldn't believe how lucky he had being. They had earned his trust and he had earned theirs. He was able for the first time in his life to loosen up and enjoy life.

It was different with Sirius though. Sirius was not just his trusted friend but also his mate, his lover. He allowed Sirius to know him, to see him as he truly was, body and soul. It wasn't easy. Not at all. But he eventually gave in.

The first betrayal was shocking. It took him a lot of effort to open up again. Something had broken and Remus wasn't willing to put himself in a position where he could be hurt again. But he did anyway. Sirius had a strange control over him. Even now. It was different than the moon but equally frightening and overwhelming. He was the reason he was back at Hogwarts. He was the reason he wouldn't sleep tonight. And he would also be the reason for many other sleepless nights.

He was here. Not just his shadow. Sirius was here.

Not that Remus could recognize "his" Sirius in that man in the wanted posters. The crazy eyes, the tangled hair, that white face. No, that wasn't his fun, loving Sirius. That was a stranger that had ruined his life.

"Damn you!" he cursed even louder than he expected.

"Damn you for giving me everything and taking it back in an instant!"

"Damn you for coming back now!"

"Damn you for making me feel again!"

He was tired. Sick of the thoughts that didn't want to leave him. They were worst than the Dementors. These were happy memories too. And they hurt more than the bad ones. He wanted it to end. Go away.

Snape would call him a coward. He didn't mind. Snape could hardly understand. He thought Remus wanted to be at Hogwarts. Be a professor. Remus doubted he'd be able to teach Harry without breaking up. The boy looked so much like James. Watching Harry with his friends in the Great Hall reminded him of what he had once and now lost for ever.

Snape was fooled. Dumbledore was fooled. They were all fooled. They all assumed this was the best thing that ever happened to him. He needed the job, he could have the Wolfsbane potion monthly, he was amongst old friends and he could avenge James, Lily and Peter's deaths. But none of these could take away the pain.

Dumbledore knew exactly what he was doing when he had hired him. He knew what Sirius had meant to Remus. How close they had really been. They needed him to catch Sirius. If someone could capture him, that would be Remus.

But he couldn't hold it against him. After all the man had accepted him at Hogwarts when he was a boy, offered him a chance to a better life.

Remus sighed deeply. It was time to face what he avoided for years. Was he ready for it? He didn't know and it didn't matter anyway. His fate would find him no matter what. It always did.

The sun was almost up. The sky was grey but the atmosphere had cleared after yesterday's rain. Remus stood up and looked out of the window. He remembered his first morning at Hogwarts. It was a bright day.

He recalled a certain boy waking the entire dorm with his loud voice

"Wake up you prats! It's our first day at Hogwarts!"

"Damn you" he whispered and cast one last glance at the Forbidden Forrest before heading downstairs for breakfast.

At the same time a shaggy black dog was starring at the castle. Starring at a window. His wolf's window. He knew it, it was his. But he couldn't believe it. Didn't dare believing it. He just let a sad bark and vanished into the woods.