The Hitchiker’s Guide to Spira

A humorous retelling of FFX with some elements of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy included, namely the existence of an encyclopedia that tells you whatever you want, but adds some fourth wall breaching material as well as thing that are otherwise impossible to know.

Reviews may be far and few, I don’t always have access to a computer. I will try to update at least once every three weeks, maybe two.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, characters places whatever, the only thing I did was the story idea.

Chapter 1: The Guide.

Excerpt from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Spira:

(To avoid the effort all future excerpts will be in Italics)

Tidus:

Well known as a whiny-ass, who likes to force laughs to the point where everyone just has to hide a weapon on them in case he goes insane and attempts to kill them. Also knows nothing of the world, despite having this awesome guide with him.

Yuna:

A summoner, well known for being indecisive and not telling jack to anyone, even if the knowledge only she knows is in some way threatening to her group’s pilgrimage. She also likes to laugh, only nobody doubts her for some reason…

Auron:

Just a crabby guy who likes to place an arm in his jacket. He has an extreme dislike of placing his left arm in his sleeve for some odd reason. He also likes to withhold info, but he at least seems to have some reason, or at least he thinks he has some reason, he drinks so often from his sake’ jug that there’s no trusting him.

Rikku:
An Al Bhed girl who is unnaturally perky. She might just overdose on sugar every damn day. She also enjoys wearing skin colored clothing that make people think she’s missing things if you don’t look hard enough. Anything else? Oh yeah, she has intelligence enough to use “Hi-tech” items like Grenades that nobody else can figure out how to use for the life of them.

Wakka:

Captain of the worst Blitzball team on God’s green earth. (Read “Besaid Aurochs” for info on said team, and “God” or “Player” for info about Spira’s basis of religion, and what is impeding it.) He is also known for loving the Yevon religion more than anything else, if it were a person he would want to get with it at all freaking costs.

Lulu:
A gothic Black Mage who is known for wearing an ungodly number of belts around her legs. She also has an unnatural dress that should by all accounts slip and reveal her breasts. She also likes dolls and uses them as voodoo toys, weapons and slaves.

Khimari:

Sorry, but no info exists on this not very important guy. Field men are currently researching Khimari.

Okay all the above stated people are sitting around some cruddy ruins of an ancient city. Tidus stands up and walks to the edge. He begins a self monologue but ends up falling to the water below… the group later goes to check up on him and find him crying in waist deep water…

Final Fantasy X!

Zanarkand--

The well known whiny-ass Tidus makes his way out of his house-boat to the massive crowd outside. A pair of girls walk toward him first.

Tidus: Hey, don’t try anything! I got security! You won’t get away with it, really!

Girl 1: uhh… I just wanted your autograph?

Tidus: OH YAY! I got a fan!

Tidus then inscribes his signature on a small check the girl was holding out to him, unaware that she was attempted to take his money.

Girl 1: Thank you for the autograph, now I’m made in money!

Tidus: Yeah my signature is worth quite a deal!

Then Tidus signed another check, bringing the amount of Gil he was about to lose to 100,000 placing him in even more paralyzing debt than he already was in.

It’s a well known fact that Tidus is easy to trick into signing Checks, and since Zanarkand has no policy for bouncing checks it’s easy to get away with as well.

After signing the checks for a group of small children Tidus continued on to the main highway of Zanarkand, while a popular news broadcast was going on.

“I was in a coffee shop, running away from home when I heard the news, our hero Jecht, gone. Vanished into thin air! My father must have been my biggest fan; I knew how sad he’d be. Heck we all were that day…”

Tidus thought to himself during this moment, “This guy STILL thinks he’s the old man…”

“…”Jecht” I says to myself, “What are you thinking?” I went running straight back home. We sat up talking ‘bout Me all night. My dad and I never talked so much. Whoa… Didn’t mean to reminisce, folks. Anyway… Ten years later, the Jecht, that’s me, Memorial Cup tournament is today! The two team that have won through to the finals… are of course the Apes from A-East and the Duggles from C-South. I know there’s a lot of people out there today to see the star of the Apes! In just one year he’s become the team’s number one player! He’s my blood, and the new hope of Blitzball! What kind of super play will he show us today? Will we see my legendary shot? I’m pretty sure I’m the only one excited here, folks!”

The Zanarkand Apes were considered one of the best teams in Zanarkand, and no there are no gorillas in it. The worst team in comparison was the Zanarkand Aurochs. The descendents of these awful players later became the Besaid Aurochs. More info under the “Besaid Aurochs” section.

(By the way I know they are called the Abes. I originally misread it for the Zanarkand Apes, and decided to use it here.)

Tidus eventually reached the Zanarkand dome only to be surrounded by a massive lynch mob of fans.

Fan 1: Quick! Snatch and run!

Tidus: AHHH! SECURITY!

Then the two stone statues that were supposively there for decoration suddenly activate and started to beat the crowd down with their stones spears, killing some and warding off the others. Tidus quickly ran in to avoid being lynched again.

Zanarkand Dome--

Tidus is seen sitting in a small pool of water, looking as though a mob had come by beat him up and robbed his ass. He however soon stands up to reveal he was in a warm-up ring around the Blitzball sphere. With an unnecessarily long charge up scene the Sphere pool appears.

Cut now to Auron standing on a pillar high above the streets of Zanarkand. He walks toward the edge, but in his drunken haze trips and falls to the unfriendly streets below.

Back to the blitz game… hmmm too much for me to bother with typing.

Cut back to Auron, a few giggling drunken people run by, arms flailing like Yuna’s in FFX-2 unaware that Sin, their death is steadily advancing on the city.

Then back to the game. Tidus ends up going for the Ball, way in the air only to notice Sin shooting energy bolts toward Zanarkand. Tidus grabs onto a ledge and starts screaming for Security but security being dead and all just can’t be bothered to help the soiled player.

Ruined Zanarkand Dome--

Tidus finds himself on the ground, with several people running away for their lives, not stopping to help Tidus out. Eventually after being tired of crying out “Security!” Tidus just gets back up himself and finds Auron taking long swigs from his Sake’.

Tidus: Auron!

Auron: Huh? Who’re you!

Tidus: Tidus?

Auron: Oh yeah! Come on man, I got someone really cool to introduce you to!

Tidus: Okay!

So Auron leads Tidus out to the highway where time decides to freeze for no reason. Tidus Is the only person unaffected by it, and soon guesses the phenomena was caused by the small robed boy watching him.

Boy: It begins. Don’t cry!

Tidus: Don’t tell me what to do!

A swift kick to the crotch has the small boy reeling in pain on the ground.

Boy: This… isn’t supposed… I’m a faith!

Tidus: Now unfreeze time!

Boy: Fine… your funeral!

So time is unfrozen. Tidus rejoins Auron who was taking the time to drink some more and finally sees the watery orb of certain death that was floating some distance away.

Auron: We called it “Sin”

Tidus: Well that’s really unoriginal.

Auron: Careful! Little monsters coming in fast!

A group of Sinscales were rapidly closing the distance between themselves and the two. Tidus attempts to ward them off by sissy-swinging at them, but when it –big surprise- doesn’t work Auron simply pulls out a sword for him.

Auron: Here. A gift from Jecht.

Tidus: My old man?

Tidus takes the sword. Auron next pulled out a small book-shaped device.

Auron: Take this.

Tidus: What is it?

Auron: The Guide. It’s the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Spira.

Tidus: Oh. Another gift from my dad?

Auron: Yeah.

Tidus: But you can buy these from any antique store for one Gil! He’s really inconsiderate you know.

Auron: Yeah but if your as confused as he was when you end up in Spira you’ll be damn well thankful to have that. BTW It costs much more where he bought it.

Tidus: How much?

Auron: Ten Gil.

Tidus: oh whoopdy. What are…

Auron: Ask the guide. That’s why I gave it to you!

Tidus: Oh all right. What are these things!

Sinscale:

Sin’s very scales made alive. Quite weak but plentiful in number. They die quickly to almost anything.

Tidus: Oh then let’s kill them!

After cutting through several waves of the wimpy creatures the two eventually arrive before a large one, the Sinspawn!

Tidus: Woah what the?

Auron: Some can’t wait to die! Time for my Overdrive, Dragon Fang!

Tidus: Oh cool. I have a feeling this is gonna be awesome.

Auron: RAYQUAZA! EAT THEM!

Then the Sky God Pokemon Rayquza pops up and devours all the Sinscales and the Sinspawn.

Tidus: Well uhh. Not very awesome but if it hurts it works I guess…

So moving on the two find a massive group of Sinscales.

Auron: Hmm… I have an idea! Kid, let’s blow up that tanker over there!

Tidus: Are you sure that’ll take out the Sinscales!

Auron: Well uhh. I thought it’d be fun but I guess it might do that also…

So they knocked down the tanker, causing a building to collapse and take out the bridge. After waiting a while Auron decides to tell Tidus to run across, Tidus barely makes it grabbing on the ledge by one hand while Auron is standing just fine. Auron looks up to the massive creature above them.

Auron: So you’re sure your not gonna kill us after I let you eat us? That’d really suck if you did and all… Well all right Jecht! You don’t have to threaten me about it you know…

Auron picked up Tidus and held him upward.

Auron: Sorry kid, but I’m gonna have to feed you to your dad or he’ll get medieval on my ass.

Tidus: huh?

Then through a somewhat disturbing suck-in motion both Tidus and Auron end up inside Sin….

First chapter over! Read and Review please!