Mary Sue Becomes Butt Ugly
Because we all knew that it had to happen sometime.

This was inspired by The Evil Old Woman’s “Mary Sue’s Ugly Divorce." No profit is being made, and I don’t own anything. And forgive me for the poor characterisation and modernisation; usually that isn’t the case in my writing, but I am trying to make everything authentic and true to most (most, not all) Mary Sues.

The sole purpose of this fic is to entertain and amuse people with the thought of ugly!whiny!Sue. I do not mean to offend authors of Mary Sue stories or prompt you to flame me for having a bit of fun. If you want to vent, please do it through email or AOL Instant Messenger; review boards are not meant for wars between authors.

Dedicated to the wonderful people at Deleterius for their snarkiness and hatred of trite fanfiction. As you could probably tell, I’m a member, but I’m not snarky or funny in the least bit.

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Mary Sue Richardson, the wife of Legolas of Mirkwood, was the most beautiful woman in all of Middle-earth. She stood in front of the mirror in her seductively designed bedroom, twirling her flowing blue skirts and giggling like an innocent little girl. Mary Sue knew she was beautiful. With her radiant crimson tresses that gleamed in the sunlight, vivid turquoise eyes, and ivory skin like that of a porcelain doll, no man could resist her. Even homosexual males would swoon over her and forget that they were ever gay in the first place, no matter how silly it sounds.

Simply said, Mary Sue was the epitome of beautiful. Lúthien, Arwen, Galadriel, and Éowyn were all as attractive as stinking piles of deer turds in Mary Sue’s presence... erm, I mean, her “delightfully golden aura of love.”

Everything - and everyone - loved her. When she walked in the woods surrounding the palace she shared with Legolas and the Steward’s family, furry animals would follow her (though the sane ones hibernated all year long in order to avoid her). Mary Sue’s sickeningly sweet personality and bubbly, usually fake charm made her popular among both the ladies of Ithilien and those who enjoyed mocking her late into the night via Deleterius.

“Perfect!” Mary Sue giggled, batting her long, thick eyelashes. Legolas would arrive in the morning; he had been away in Rohan for the past few weeks, doing Eru-knows-what. He had said it was an assignment from Lord Faramir and King Elessar, and Mary Sue, who had always been too trusting and naive, believed him. Mary Sue could not wait until Legolas returned. She loved him with all her heart and soul, though, as usual with this shallow species, perhaps she only liked him because of the gifts and lovin’ he gave her.

“Goodnight, Mary Sue Alquahraveriel Maximus Destynie Droegiel Gettysburg Sakura Phoenix Turkmenistan Richardson the Eighth!” she said, kissing her equally flawless reflection. She hopped into her large canopy bed with gauzy white curtains and fell asleep instantly. Mary Sue loved getting beauty sleep, and it was indeed true that she looked stunning when she did.

Until she became butt ugly, that is.

Mary Sue jumped out of bed the following morning, unusually refreshed and jubilant. She reached for the lacy yellow gown covered in ridiculous-looking bows that she had laid out the night before. This was Legolas’ favourite gown, and she would do anything to please him, even if it involved a pool of Jell-o, sunflower seeds, and Éomer in a bikini. Anyway, Mary Sue put the dress on... or at least she tried to.

She tried yanking the dress up over her hips, but then realised that it would be impossible to do. Her hips were no longer small and curvy but extremely wide. Her stomach was flabby to the max and she was in major need of a push-up bra. But the worst part of it all was her face: Mary Sue’s sweet, angelic face had morphed into one that seemed like it could belong to a sun-dried, hairless grizzly bear with Elijah Wood’s eyes.

“Uhhhhh!” she moaned in a voice that sounded like some old and very constipated jungle animal. This was just a joke, Mary Sue decided. Someone must have clothed her in a costume while she slept. But no matter how hard she tried to pull her skin off, it would not work.

She pushed the door open and ran down the corridor in all her repulsive splendour, sobbing like a toddler on illegal substances. Mary Sue knew her extensive collection of makeup, which she had brought from her home in Cobham, was in the bathroom. Makeup cured all for Lady Mary, though she had never gotten zits or looked less than perfect.

Before Mary Sue could reach the loo without anyone noticing her quite noticeable unsightliness, she ran right into Faramir, who had been walking with his wife. Both of them gaped at Mary Sue, and she blushed and tried to run, but Faramir caught her arm to stop her. Now that they had found something wrong with Ms. Mary Sue, they could not resist teasing her for all she had done to them,.

“I thought I beheaded that fell beast ten years ago!” Éowyn chuckled. She had never liked Mary Sue, not even when the supposedly more talented shieldmaiden rescued her from a pack of wargs that had escaped in Edoras. To Éowyn, Lady Mary was naught but a cheap, dirty whore in need of a reality check, and most of the fandom agreed with her. “But the fell beast has returned, or so it seems.”

“I am not a fell beast!” Mary Sue protested. “I am the sexiest thing to ever walk in Middle-earth, and you know it!”

“What happened to you, Lady Mary?” Faramir said with false thoughtfulness. “Did Legolas beat you one too many times with the ugly stick because you were gawking at Ioreth’s hot bod?”

“Youre sooo omg lyke meen!” Mary Sue shrieked in her, um, captivating language. "You're so, like, mean to me!"

“Come now, Éowyn, it may be contagious,” Faramir said, leading his wife away from the raging, flabby beast that was once the most gorgeous woman in all of Arda. “If that were to contaminate my beautiful, spirited love, what would I do?”

Éowyn stopped in her tracks and stared at Faramir. “If I were as ugly as Mary Sue, would you still love me?”

If I were as ugly as Mary Sue. The words stung Mary Sue, and she was suddenly filled with a desire to eat a live chinchilla. But she ignored it and stood there in anger, her fists clenched at her sides, panting like the deformed jungle animal she was.

Faramir grinned. “Of course, Éowyn! Not only are you beautiful, your personality is not as flat as a Frosted Flakes box.”

“What’s wrong with my personality, you… you dingleberry-ridden poop chute!”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Éowyn said. “I didn’t know you had one.”

The Steward and his wife had victory for the first time in their lives, and they hastily walked away, perfectly content with leaving their former friend alone in a pool of misery, angst, and hammerhead sharks (or so Faramir wished). Mary Sue began to cry tears of aquamarine blood, beating her delicate fists on a random Oompa Loompa that walked by. She had never been used to being insulted, for from the moment she had been born, everyone doted upon her and spoiled her until she became the horror that was Mary-Sue Richardson.

I will never get a job as a dancer, she thought, and what will Legolas think of me? Will he disown my perfect self or throw meoff the Eiffel Tower with naught but a man named Leila chained to my underpants? Will he---

Before she could finish the thought, something grey and furry ran past Mary Sue at the speed of light, then crashed into the stone wall with a delightful smush. Whimpering slightly, Mary Sue rose and cautiously walked over to the smushed creature and grinned at the sight of Elboron’s pet chinchilla, Syphilis. Syphilis looked darn tasty, and she needed to eat until all her problems were solved.

“Mummy, Mummy!” the distant voice of a young boy cried. “Where did Syphilis go?”

“Did you check the pantry, Elboron?”

“Yes!”

As soon as Mary Sue was finished with her, um, tasty snack, Elboron ran down the corridor in search of his chinchilla. He was Faramir and Éowyn’s four-year-old son. When he noticed Mary Sue standing by the fireplace, he nearly jumped out of his skin in fright at the sight of his mutated auntie with a little tail stuck between her mouldy yellow teeth.

Elboron shivered and screamed, “Mummy, Aunt Mary Sue ate Syphilis!”

“Aunt Mary Sue has syphilis, honey,” Éowyn whispered to him.

“In her mouth!” the boy added, pointing to the grey fur hanging out of the sides of Mary Sue’s formerly luscious lips. Elboron began to wail as he clung to his mother’s leg, and for once Mary Sue could not be arsed to care. “She ate Syphilis!”

“You ate my son’s pet, you cheese-brained rectum ranger!” Éowyn yelled, slapping Mary Sue across her hideous mug. Mary Sue cowered in a corner and licked the remaining fur off her lips, trembling with fear. “You truly are a fell beast!”

“If you had come sooner, I would have invited you for brunch,” she said blankly.

“I am not some sort of vicious animal, Mary Sue. I do not look like I was run over by a train and then roasted over an open fire. And, if you can recall, I killed the Lord of the Nazgul, and all you ever did during the war was--” Éowyn stopped suddenly, not wanting to list all the disgusting things Mary Sue did with Legolas on the Quest. And it was a very, very long list. “It doesn’t matter, does it, Mary Sue? All that matters is that you get out of my house and stop scaring my child.”

Mary Sue gasped. “You can’t evict me! I have nowhere to go!”

“Hell sounds just about right,” Éowyn snapped. “Now get out and never return, you cud-chewing telefono!”

“U r rele meen end eye hate u eowyn!1!11!one!1!1” Mary Sue whined and began to weep again, though this time her tears were made of that nasty green ketchup stuff. She pushed Éowyn aside and ran out the door, down the stairs, and into the dense forests of Ithilien, never to return. The insane episode was over at last.

But in reality, the downfall of Ms. Mary Sue had just begun.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X

I may turn this into a series of unfortunate things that can happen to Mary Sue, but I’m not sure. If there’s support for it, maybe I will write it. Okay, I’ll probably write more anyway. I simply cannot resist this idea. ;)

Ir i lû telitha,
Voldie on Varsity Track