|Obsessive Lily Disorder
Author: Procrastinator-starting2moro PM
James worships the ground Lily, er, throws him on? Includes stalking, Polyjuice potion and James attempting many acts of suicide such as drowning his head in toilet bowls because Apple Of His Eye Evans hates his guts. Or does she? Complete .Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - James P. & Lily Evans P. - Chapters: 23 - Words: 144,021 - Reviews: 1,951 - Favs: 1,679 - Follows: 349 - Updated: 10-29-05 - Published: 06-07-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2427170
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I warn you of incoming randomness, and please do not eat food or sip any drink whilst reading this story. Many readers are planning to sue me for getting their faces melted with coffee or choking on popcorn. Any out-of-character Marauders and somewhat stereotypical personas is purely for comedic effect (at least, that's my excuse) so overall, this is James and Lily's story from my warped mind.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my sadistic humour.
"I'm bored," complained Sirius. "I want to do something."
"And I want a million galleons," James retorted. "But we can't have everything now, can we."
The Marauders--Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs--had somehow manoeuvred themselves into the space of the broom closet.
None of them were gymnasts or skilled in the art of flexibility, no matter how much Sirius protested he'd gotten into some very dirty and supple moves with a sexy Hufflepuff under one of the Great hall tables at breakfast.
"Ughh," Remus uttered with distaste. "Did any of you have a bath?" he asked, trying to block his nose with the odd position of his arm that was bent in such an unnatural way.
The four sixth year boys had cramped themselves in one of Hogwarts number one snogging spots, something they would most certainly not share with anyone, ever. Of course, it would probably emotionally scar them for the rest of their lives, and maybe physically too with each others unusually sharp and pointy limbs. The boys were in very close approximates of each other. Much too close.
"Peter, your knee is getting dangerously near my groin area," Remus said uncomfortably. "I suggest you move it."
"Better do what the man says, Wormtail, or Moony might unleash his inner werewolf on you," Sirius warned him, fidgeting as he tried making himself in a more comfortable position - or in fact, some sort of position of cosiness free of pain. Peter mumbled an apology to Remus, and then tried redirecting his leg to another position.
"Merlin, Wormtail! Now your leg is practically riding up my arse!"
"Shhh!" James glared at his friends who were being, in his opinion, totally selfish. He turned his gaze back on the gap of the door where he was spying for a particular someone outside it.
"James, was it really necessary for us to join you on this... er, observation?" Remus couldn't find a right word to explain what on earth he was doing.
James squinted as he eyed the gap. "Yes. I needed the company."
"Well, if you need the company then why won't you let us ta--?"
"Ssshh, Wormtail," James hushed him.
As you can tell, only one of the Marauders was there by choice, the other three dragged along for moral support, or more likely as 'groupies'.
James grimaced as he felt one of Peter's wet sneezes splatter against his face. Remus, for some odd reason, started violently coughing; all this due to Sirius' heavy cologne that was slowly suffocating them to death.
"Sirius, are you trying to gag us all?" Remus questioned. His throat was scratchy from coughing. Sirius seemed thoroughly insulted.
"I did have a date tonight," he revealed bitterly, "but then Prongs decided to drag me along to stalk Evans."
"I am not stalking Evans!"
"Really?" said Sirius, mockingly. "Then explain to us why exactly we are in the broom closet."
James sighed and retold his explanation. "Because I overheard Evans talking to that prick Derrick that she would go kiss him in the broom closet," he spoke in very peeved tones.
"So you decided to drag us to the broom closet and kiss us instead?" Peter jumped to conclusions, very much disgusted in return.
"No, sod off. I just wanted to spy on her and stop whatever was going to happen." James smiled evilly and cracked a knuckle.
Remus backtracked to what James had said about 'accidentally' listening on Lily's conversation with the Ravenclaw.
"You 'overheard'," said Remus, unconvinced. "Elaborate."
"Alright, so I was under the invisibility Cloak and I eavesdropped! Bloody hell! Nosey Moony…"
Remus smiled as he knew James never accidentally overheard conversations, but was also a little insulted at being called nosey when James was practically one of the nosiest people he knew. Then, he thought back to the part of James' sentence mentioning the cloak. "Wait a minute, you used the Cloak. Why didn't you just use it now to spy on Lily?"
James looked at Remus blankly.
"Bugger!" He slammed his head on the broom closet door. Sirius found this all hysterically funny and laughed at James' lack of common sense. Peter giggled silently along but couldn't continue as a wad of Sirius hair had entered his mouth due to their jam-packed conditions.
"You are a perfect example of why some species eat their young," said Sirius smugly, flicking a strand of black hair out of his eyes, unfortunately elbowing Remus in the process.
"Ufftt," groaned Remus, the elbow smacking him rudely in the cheek.
"Did you think of that witty comment all by yourself?" Peter asked in awe.
"Er, no. I read it on the back of a Hogsmeade chocolate bar wrapper."
"Well, we're here now anyway, so sod the Cloak idea." James ruffled his dark hair, accidentally poking Peter in the eye.
"How long are we going to be in here?" Sirius complained. "Not that I don't love pressing up to all of you, but I've got a reputation to keep - you know, a reputation that doesn't involve hanging around with friends in enclosed spaces. Male friends especially."
"Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked.
"Of course I do!"
"Alright then, name one."
"She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."
"Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a Thestral to mow her down?" James reminded him.
"Just because I think she's a bitch doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends." He poked each boy in the face.
"My cheek smells of pie. Merlin knows where that finger has been," Remus said disgustedly as he wiped his face.
"What's your favourite flavour of pie?" Peter asked the boys, a slight dribble of drool slipping from the corner of his mouth at the mention of food.
"I like apple pie," said Sirius.
"I'm more of a cherry pie person myself," Peter revealed. Sirius nodded in understanding.
"No, I find peach pie-"
"Stop talking, we're not having this pie conversation again," Remus cut in sternly. If somebody had asked Remus to pick three people to be stuck in a closet with, similar to the famous question of being stuck on an island, lets just say he would choose more intellectual company.
"What time is it?" asked James, still focusing on the gap of door, watching intently for any signs of the redheaded girl. Sirius rolled up his sleeve and made his way to look at the watch on his wrist, but unexpectedly knocked Remus' wand which he had been holding as the only source of light in the claustrophobic room.
"Bugger," Remus cursed loudly.
They watched as the wand fell to the floor, the light only displaying their feet.
"Wow, Wormtail," Sirius said in the darkness. "Have your feet got bigger? What size are you?" He gazed at Peter's shoes.
"A nine," Peter answered. "Come to think of it, over the summer they have grown rather quickly."
"Well, Pete, you know what they say about guys with big feet-"
"One of you pick up the bloody wand," Remus interjected. The boys looked at each other inquisitively; at least, they thought they were looking at each other. It was a bit hard to tell with no light.
"I'm not picking it up. I've got James' shoulders digging into me; Pete's arms are stabbing me in the stomach, and your hair is tickling my nose," Sirius told Remus. "It's rather soft, what conditioner do you use?"
Remus ignored the question on tresses and looked at Peter with pleading - well, he sincerely hoped it was Peter.
"Can you get the wand, Peter?" Remus did not like being in the dark in such a cramped space, especially when Sirius was breathing down his neck like a homicidal mad man, occasionally making an evil snicker. It was rather unnerving.
"I vant to suck your bloood," Sirius murmured in what he thought was a Transylvanian, vampire accent, right against his ear.
"Sirius, you're hysterical--OW, you prat!" He clutched his neck which had suddenly been bitten by the so-called-vampire. Vampire boy laughed frenziedly.
"When you've stopped giving each other love bites," James frowned at them both, "can one of you get the bloody wand? I can feel something touching my leg…" he trailed off worriedly.
"Sorry," apologized Peter. "I was trying to loosen the belt on my trousers."
"Why?" James asked, trying to move as far away from Peter as possible, which was about a millimetre and only ended up nudging up to Sirius. He abruptly moved away from him considering he could feel sharp pointy things pierce his neck.
"Stop it, Padfoot, I don't want to catch rabies," James teased. "Carry on, Wormtail."
"I had too much food in the kitchens," Peter explained, as he rubbed his stomach. "You know those house-elves; they just keep coming back for more."
James shook his head, getting the wrong idea of that sentence. "Don't say it like that, Wormtail," he advised.
"What are you saying? That you ate the house-elves and they're giving you indigestion?" Sirius laughed. He made a sudden sound of disgust when Peter produced a loud burp.
"That's nice. That wasn't just a noisy belch, it smelt too," Remus commented, trying to gag himself with a bunch of Sirius' ebony hair.
"Oh no, I can feel it coming out of the other end," Peter squeaked. The others instinctively heard the sound of a groaning stomach in undeniable pain and tried to move as far away as possible from the ill boy.
"Oh God, I don't think this is worth it," James muttered, contemplating whether it was actually worth the wait for Lily to turn up and save her day from the wise-arse Ravenlcaw Derrick, and suffer the consequences of Peter eating more than the average wizard.
"Sirius, mate, the wand may only be showing the light shining at our feet but I can distinctively hear the sound of you scratching your crotch," James said unsavourily. He'd heard the sound of Sirius scratching his inappropriate place so many times that he knew the noise off by heart. It was occasionally heard in their dormitory before they went to sleep, resulting in many pillows hurled at Sirius' head.
"Peter, for Christ's sake, just pick up the wand," James ordered. "I would, but I seemed to be pinned against the wall by the blood-sucking vampire."
"No!" Sirius argued, making Remus think he was about to protest that he was not barbaric or bloodthirsty. "You can't let Peter get the wand! He'll have to bend over. And then he might suddenly let one rip, and his arse will probably explode. Can you imagine the mess? We'll all be covered in buttocks! Peter's buttocks!"
"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Remus grumbled. Peter was about to obligingly bend down and reach for the wand, no matter how much his stomach was wailing unrecognisable tunes and how ill he felt. However, Sirius had swatted his hand to Peter's stomach in protest.
"No, Pete," Sirius spoke with odd heroicness. "I'll do it."
The boys listened as they heard the rustling sound of Sirius squirming and his limbs bending in odd positions.
"Oh God, oh God," Remus mumbled. "Don't bend down, Sirius, don't-" He stopped and winced as Sirius had indeed ignored his advice and bent down, his arse sticking up against him. "Oh bugger. I would just like to mention that I will possibly be drowning myself in one of the baths or toilets of the Prefect bathroom later."
"Choose the bath, its cleaner." Sirius advised, while he managed to grab the wand from the floor and squirm himself to some sort of standing position. "You wouldn't want to drown yourself in a toilet after Snape pissed down it." He handed the wand to Remus, though it looked a little bent.
"Uh," started Sirius, noticing Remus' wary look. "I kind of stepped on it. Woops?"
"Thanks," Remus replied ungratefully, "for stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."
"I did not stomp," Sirius asserted. "I merely trod."
"I don't feel so well..." mumbled Peter, trying to hold back the vomit that was trying to escape.
"Bloody hell," James complained. "I am never taking you guys out again!"
"Come to think of it, Wormtail, I don't feel so well either," Sirius spoke, suddenly feeling ill and claustrophobic. "The room is spinning. I suddenly feel faint." He pressed a hand to his forehead. "Is it me or is this closet getting smaller?"
"That's not possible," Remus answered grimly, his nose and face now flattened against a wall.
"I can't breathe," Sirius panted, clutching his neck. "There's no air in here, man!"
"Of course there's air," Remus scolded him. "If there wasn't air then we'd be dead."
"I feel like I'm dying, Moony!"
"You were fine until a second ago!"
"It's some sudden illness!" protested Sirius. "My neck, Moony! It feels so tight!"
"At least yours wasn't bitten into," Remus retorted, putting a hand over his neck. Even feeling teeth marks.
"Look at that, Prongs," Sirius said, grabbing the wand from Remus and shining it over the boy's neck. "It looks just like a hickey!" Sirius winked and elbowed him exctiedly. "If anyone asks, you got a little carried away with that hot blonde Ravenclaw. Georgina, I think her name is."
"I have a feeling I will be wearing a scarf tomorrow."
"But it's summer."
"Screw the season."
"She's there!" James whispered delightedly, spotting Lily through the gap of the door. He growled at the boy whose arm was wrapped tightly around her waist. The boy named Derrick was -in James' opinion- tall and lanky; his blonde spikey hair resembling a bleached headgehog. This was why it was a surprise that Lily even considered meeting with him: she hated cruelty to animals.
Derrick grabbed at the door handle of the broom closet, turning the knob feverishly. James smiled as Derrick twisted the knob but couldn't open the door as James was holding the handle from the other side.
"Shit, it's locked," Derrick cursed. "It's never locked." He slammed his weight against the door, confused to why it wouldn't open.
He wasn't being the most sincere guy in the wizarding world, his words blatantly suggesting that the broom closet was a regular spot he visited. Lily watched uncomfortably as Derrick swore at the door.
"Oh, it's locked, is it? What a shame!" Lily lied, thankfully grateful that the door would not open. She was thoroughly going off Derrick by the passing seconds. "Well, I just remembered that I've got homework to do so I'll be going--"
Lily abruptly stopped talking as Derrick slammed his lips against hers with urgency. She preferred soft kisses - she was most definitely not getting them now.
"Screw the door," Derrick muttered, sticking his tongue down Lily's throat, much to her surprise.
"I'll kill him!" James hissed, about to make his appearance and beat the Ravenclaw boy to a pulp - however, Remus held him back.
"James, she isn't going to be happy to find you spying on her in the broom closet," he pointed out, holding on to his shoulders.
James struggled against his grip. "OW! Sod off!" He exclaimed, as Sirius had swiftly grabbed a fistful of his hair to keep him from attacking the Ravenclaw. "Look at her, she's definitely not happy about being kissed by him," he pointed out, making his friends look through the gap of the door to watch Lily and Derrick smooching.
"Yeah…That's why she's kissing him back?" Peter replied uncertainly, and James glared at him. The four boys pressed their eight nosey eyes to the gap, watching as Derrick pressed Lily against the corridor wall, thoroughly examining the insides of Lily's mouth with his tongue. The redhead didn't seem to be complaining.
"The sound of their kissing is making me gag!" Sirius pulled a face.
"Shut up, Sirius," snapped James. "Anyway, I bet you she's thinking about me when she's kissing him," his tone laced with smugness. His friends burst into mocking, silent laughter, but quickly stopped when the sound of James' name was called… from Lily's lips.
"Mmm, James..." she moaned audibly into Derrick's mouth.
All the boys gaped, including Derrick who broke away from Lily like he was singed by a game of Exploding Snap. Lily's eyes widened at the name she'd just moaned and pressed a hand to her gawking face.
"What did you just say?" Derrick demanded, but he quickly swivelled round at the sound of cheering from the broom closet.
"Oh yeah! She said my name! MY NAME!" James rooted triumphantly as he bounced up and down, resembling Sirius in his Animagus form after being drugged with coffee. Predictably, James jumping in the cramped closet was not a good idea. As the rest of the Marauders in the closet grimaced at his sudden loudness and jerking limbs, James accidentally fell back, his arm twisting and knocking against the door handle, making the broom closet door swing open. The four boys yelped as they fell out of the closet and on to the corridor floor at the surprised Lily and Derrick's feet.
"This is not good for my health," Remus mumbled; Sirius was currently laid on top of him like a tablecloth, making no signs of moving anytime soon.
"Ugh, a foursome." Derrick cast dirty looks at the boys. Peter, as if on cue, suddenly vomited from all that earlier intake of food: all over Derrick's feet.
Sirius examined Derrick's vomit-covered shoes from the ground. "You have small shoes," he commented.
"Merlin's beard..." Derrick was unsure whether to move now his shoes which were all squishy and covered in goodness knows that.
"Good one, Wormtail," congratulated James, as he lay on the floor. He patted Peter on the back gratefully which only made Peter vomit more. Derrick yelped as the sick got dangerously near him again. James turned his attention to Lily who seemed paralysed with fear, shock and disgust, all at the same time.
"Potter," she began, looking wide-eyed. "Y-you didn't hear me say-"
"Oh yes, Evans," James cut in, in his most seductive voice. "I did." He tried to turn his gaze away from Peter's mushed breakfast to the beautifully startled red-haired girl before him.
Lily shook her head furiously. "No-no-NO!" she argued, stomping her feet. "I said your name because I was thinking of how much you aggravate me!"
"Didn't sound like that to me," commented Sirius, groaning in pain as Lily promptly kicked him in the stomach.
"Shut up, Black!"
"Ow. Lily, you realise when you hurt Sirius, who is currently on top of me, you cause pain to me as well."
Lily cringed, "Sorry, Remus."
James took his opportunity to ask that oh-so-familiar question. "Evans, go out with me?"
Lily breathed of indignant anger. "I cannot believe you! You arrogant little… You stupid… You… you immature… AARGH!" she ended in frustration, not able to get out her insults. Not feeling she could stand the sight of him any longer, she stalked down the corridor away from him.
"Should I take that as a yes?" James called after her. "Evans? Hey--Evans? If you're trying to be funny by ignoring me, I'd just like to mention that it's not funny! Really not funny!"
"Mate, she's gone," Sirius pointed out, as James was shouting to an empty corridor.
"Yeah, I know," James sighed, "I just like the sound of my own voice." He turned his attention to Derrick who wasn't looking amused as he stood in his smelly shoes. "Alright, Derrick, you can bugger off now. Ta-ta."
With a rude scoff, Derrick stormed down the corridor, grumbling back to his common room.
"Who would have thought the Marauders were gay together!" Derrick said loud enough for them to hear. However, on his graceful exit, he slipped clumsily in his sick-ridden shoes, landing on the floor with a loud slam that echoed throughout the castle.
"Wormtail, I love it when you're ill." James patted him on the back in gratitude.