BREAKING NEWS: News That Couldn't Break a Sweat If They Had a Frenzied Orgy in the Middle of the Sahara While Wearing Fur Coats and Ugg Boots

"Hello, folks. I'm Jinx, of H.I.V.E. Five fame, here to bring you this hexaliciously breaking news story! It has been reported recently that the author of this hell of a shipwreck, Sora Grace Silverwind, reportedly has a Very Important Life. Furthermore, it has also been reported that this allegation of Sora having a life is the direct result of her writing muse—known here on out as Dumbalina in order to protect her real identity—even more allegedly launching a one-muse strike against Sora in protest of Sora's inability (or is it unwillingness?) (or perhaps it's laziness) (or perhaps it's just plain jackbitchery) to do anything productive with her writing ability or lack thereof. Dumbalina is, quote, sick of being used solely for Sora's creative late-night ego-stroking Dew-guzzling masturbations and is demanding more recognition and honors for over a decade of hard, thankless, and Pocky-less work, unquote. Negotiations are currently being undertaken, deals are being struck, and arms are being twisted into positions that even yoga masters would find painful in order to try and end this most unfortunate strike. Sora has refused to comment, saying only that she has songs to compose, drawings to CG, and fandoms to take over. Oh, and she also has Japanese to pwn, bitches. More details at 11 a month from now!

"Next up: a strange case of poltergeists and pie..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

MYSTERY MADNESS: The Case of the Haunted Hooters, Part I

The name's Irving. Lloyd Irving, to be exact. Lloyd Irving, Private Eye. Lloyd Irving, Private Eye, currently living in Iseliaville. Population: 10,422. It's a normal sort of place, no more or less crime-ridden than the next quasi metropolis this side of the dimension rift. It certainly gives me enough work to be occupied and make a living while still leaving me time to catch up on new fansubs of Bomberman Jetters.

It was a normal day in the office. The coffee maker was back on its place on the countertop, after a long, arduous week of being MIA. Miss Brunel, my secretary, had her usual workplace fiasco, this time slipping on a puddle near the leaking water cooler and smacking her head on the tiled floor. Of course, being the seasoned veteran at this that she was, she came away from the incident with barely a concussion. However, I did have to wonder about her change in speech patterns: whenever she opened her mouth to speak, the only word that came out was "chii." It was very endearing, but made for more than a few communication problems. Nevertheless, I knew it would be gone by the next day. That was how those things went.

Anyway, it was a normal day in the office. Oh, I said that already? Right. It was a normal day in the office. I was flipping through the latest issue of Nintendo Power and eating my third piece of cherry pie when suddenly the intercom on my desk fizzled to life.

"Chii? Chii."

"Sure, send her right in."

"Chii!"

Truth be told...I hadn't a single clue as to what she'd said.

No matter. It had been a lucky guess, for a minute later, a young woman burst through my door in a panic, clad in booty shorts and a tank top. I recognized her as one Miss Sheena Fujibayashi, an exchange student from Japan whom I saw at tantric yoga class every other night. "Sheena, what a pleasant surprise," I said. "What's going on?"

She wrung her hands nervously. "Detective, please, you have to help me! I...I'm really scared!"

"Settle down, Sheena. It'll be all right. Care for some pie? I just bought it from Baker's Square."

Sheena shook her head. "I have to watch my weight. Pie adds inches to my hips."

"As you wish. Now—" I folded my hands and looked at her. "—what seems to be the problem?"

Sheena bit her lip. "I...I think s-someone's following me."

"Following you? You mean, stalking you?"

"Y-yes! And it's becoming worse and worse!"

I leaned back in my chair, chewing on a Twizzler. "When did you first notice this was happening?"

"It all s-started a few weeks ago, I think!" Sheena took a seat in front of my desk and clasped her hands together. "When all the...the weird things started happening..."

"What sorts of weird things?" I asked.

"Like...this constant feeling of being watched. Or tailed. Or something!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Do you have any hard evidence that you're being stalked?"

"Well...just a few days ago, I was doing my shift at Hooters, there was a message written on the window in barbeque sauce that said 'I'm coming for you, Sheena'! And then...and then...the guys at Hooters always seem to be looking at me! I mean, more than usual, that is! There's just this heavy sense of...something...watching me!"

I made vaguely coherent notes on the legal pad in front of me, though they looked more like bad hentai if you looked at it through squinted eyes and really bad prescription sunglasses. "Anything else?"

Sheena thought for a moment. "Strange things keep happening there," she said. "Food goes missing, guys chase after me like zombies, the lights flicker on and off, young girls vomit green acid onto the floor, things like that. A-and my co-workers tell me that those things only happen whenever I'm around..."

Now this was interesting. "Hmm." I rubbed my chin and looked at Sheena, who had a pensive expression on her face. "Do all these 'strange things' supposedly indicative of stalking only happen at Hooters?" Sheena nodded mutely. "Well, if this is a stalking case, it's certainly a most unusual one. You wouldn't happen to have any idea of who might be behind it, would you?"

"No..."

"Any old boyfriends...or girlfriends for that matter?"

Sheena shook her head. "My only boyfriend was...k-killed a month ago..."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." I stood up and reached out to pat her arm. "My condolences. Don't worry too much, Sheena, all right? I'll get to the bottom of this in a jiffy!"

Sheena smiled faintly and rubbed at her eyes. "Thank you so much, Detective." Her eyes strayed to the wall, where there was a chart for job fees. "What shall I do about the payment?"

"Well, I only take pies, cookies, and cakes."

"Will a dozen fat-free oatmeal cookies be enough? I'm afraid I haven't much in the way of sweets at home, what with my diet and all..."

"Normally I'd ask for half a pie as well, but I'll discount it for a good friend like you."

Sheena sighed in relief. "Thank you again, Detective. I'll always remember your kindness!"

That's what they all say until I call them up on a lonely night in my apartment.

Anyway, this was a puzzling puzzle indeed. Sheena claimed it was a stalking case, but all the suspicious incidents occurred only at her place of work. Surely if she had a real stalker, he or she or it would have been able to find out more personal information about Miss Fujibayashi by now. It simply did not make sense. I was good, but I was not quite that good. There were just too many things that I did not know and could not know. I was going to need outside resources to crack this one, that was for sure.

I was going to need the services of Genis Sage, the All-Seeing Eye.

(stick around for the next suspenseful installment of 'The Case of the Haunted Hooters')

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk – Who's Yo' Daddeh?

"Yanno," Genis says, "there's a lot of drama going on in the game about who your parents are."

"A lot of it—most of it, probably—can be traced back to the whole race and discrimination issue," Raine responds, calmly sipping her ninth cup of coffee and barely twitching an eye. "Like in our case."

"Or in the case of Blondie over there," Zelos retorts.

Sheena snorts. "Which one?"

This is a legitimate question, for over on the other end of the row of tables, Mithos Yggdrasill is sitting next to a freshly-bathed—and thus newly platinum blond—Kratos Aurion.

"Well," Kratos mumbles to himself, "at least I don't smell like a butcher shop anymore."

Mithos strokes his chin. "I dunno," he says. "I thought that was pretty sexy."

(MOVING ON, LOL)

"Blondes don't seem to have much luck in the parental drama department," Raine continued. "After all, Remiel pulled that number on Colette in the first half of the game."

Colette looks depressed.

Lloyd scowls.

Remiel plays a first-person shooter game at an arcade booth in a corner of the coffeehouse, the upper half of his body obscured by a thick red curtain.

"So..." Regal motions to a conveniently placed whiteboard on the wall behind him. Presea silently gets up and walks to the board, pulling out a marker from her pigtails. "For the story twists and plot points involving parentage, we have the whole brouhaha about the half-elves, Lloyd and Kratos' tragic family history, Colette and Remiel's divine comedy, and Virginia and Raine's Longbottom-esque story..."

"How about that thing with the Pope?" Zelos quips. "Now that was dirty laundry if I ever saw it."

"I wouldn't forget about your own soiled clothes if I were you," Sheena says, smirking.

"Meh."

The marker squeaks cheerfully as Presea takes neat notes on the whiteboard.

Sheena sighs and spears the last of Lloyd's coffee cake with a plastic fork just as Lloyd is reaching for it. "Well, you're lucky, I suppose," she says, waving the fork absentmindedly in front of her mouth, undecided as to whether she wants to eat it. "At least you've got the familial laundry to air. I don't."

"Oh, yeah!" Genis says. "The people of Izumo found you in Gaoracchia Forest, right?"

Sheena nods. "My grandpa isn't my biological grandfather." She finally pops the coffee cake into her mouth, much to the chagrin of Lloyd, who had been eyeing it hungrily. She chews and swallows before continuing. "But it's not blood that matters; it's experience. And as far as I'm concerned, Grandpa is my real grandpa...because he took me in and cared for me like I was really his grandkid."

Everyone around the table nods in sentimental agreement.

"Aww, how sweet...like vinegar on jam-soaked pork rinds!"

KA-BLAMMO!

One of the coffeehouse walls suddenly explodes, sending patrons, employees, and cameo characters once again running for cover.

Lloyd gets up on the table. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands, unsheathing the Material Blades.

A pair of glowing yellow eyes...and then a few more pairs of glowing yellow eyes...emerge from the thick smoke and dust. "It's a gourmet revolution is what it is!" the main figure growls.

Regal narrows his eyes. "It...it's the Dark Chef Alliance!"

Sure enough, the evil, insidious clones of the Wonder Chef stand before our heroes in a V-shaped formation, each wielding an over-sized version of a different utensil. "We represent culinary comrades in arms against the oppression of the tasteless lower class!" the leader booms, waving around a giant fork. "To protect the world from imitations!"

"Of satanic fast-food defecations!" his squad responds.

"To show the world how to cook 'em right!"

"So we can righteously steal people's appetites!"

"From those goody two-shoes white-hat Wonder Chefs!"

WHACK! "Stupid noob! That doesn't rhyme!"

"Ow! But it's true!"

"Well, I never said it wasn't."

"Then what's the problem with saying it if it's something we do?"

"Yeah, but don't you have any sense of poetic justice? We have a specific rhyme scheme here, you uneducated, lowbrow, literarily-handicapped ignoramus, and I'll be damned if we don't follow it!"

"You're just jealous because you don't have the all-encompassing ability to see different points-of-view that's gained from a four-year bachelor's degree in college like I do!"

"I'm trying to see things from your point-of-view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!"

"Well, maybe if you took that stick out of it, you'd—"

In a swish of his cloak, the Dark Chef Leader whirls around and flicks a wrist.

A flurry of colored toothpicks flies out from his fingers and straight into the throats of the two bickering minions.

TH-THHHK!

Their mouths freeze in mid-argument.

A pause.

They fall to their knees.

They slump forward...

BONK!

And crash into each other's foreheads.

The Dark Chef Leader clears his throat. "Ahem. Forgive the mild disruption. Now...to continue!" He strikes a pose. "Dark Chef Leader!"

"Generic Dark Chef minions!"

"Dark Chef Alliance, to gourmet delicacies and beyond!"

"Surrender now, and we won't cook you in century-old wonton!"

"Oh, geez..." Genis rolls his eyes. "You catch 'em once, and you catch 'em all."

"Silence, sub-standard cook!" The Dark Chef Leader points his fork at Genis. "Go quietly, and I'll freeze you in chocolate instead of boiling you in extra virgin olive oil with chili peppers!"

"Hey, will you keep it down over there?" Remiel shouts. "I can't hear my mission objectives!"

SWOOSH! One of the Dark Chef minions flings a sharp spatula in Remiel's direction.

The cooking implement pierces through the curtains of the arcade booth.

THK!

A gurgled cry is heard from within.

Blood begins to seep out from all corners of the booth.

"Hey!" Lloyd shouts. "I had dibs on that bastard!"

The Dark Chef Leader smirks and shrugs. "Too bad, so sad. But everyone has to eat their vegetables eventually."

"You..." Colette's eyes well up with tears. "You killed my father!"

"No, my dear." The Dark Chef Leader glows with an unholy aura. "I...ATE...your father!"

Colette slaps her palms to her cheeks a la "The Scream."

Zelos rushes across the line of tables from the villains' end, trampling beverages, confections, and hands along the way. "Eat this, you son-of-an-English-biscuit!" he howls, swinging his sword wildly as remnants of Kratos' scones squish out from the bottoms of his shoes. "HI-KEEEEEBAAAA!"

STOMP-STOMP-STOMP!

Kratos sighs. "Why do I even bother getting sustenance anymore?"

The Dark Chef Leader looks up at the sound of Zelos' pounding footsteps. His eyes widen as he realizes he's about to be decapitated in the next second—

SWOOOSH!

Noir suddenly blurs onto the scene and slices Zelos' head off with Myrkblade.

SLLKKK!

Zelos' head flies through the air and onto a plastic plant stationed by the entrance.

The Dark Chef Leader blinks. "Uh...thanks?"

Noir smiles and delivers a message in sign language. 'What's up your ass today?'

And he vanishes in a puff of obsidian smoke.

From behind the counter, Mia sighs. "Sheesh, that's the seventh time I'll need to cast Revive this week," she mutters, untying her apron as she heads for Zelos' headless corpse. "I'm not made of Psynergy, people!"

Meanwhile, Sheba's trotted off to find the store phone. "Does anyone know the number of the Bernadelli Insurance Society?" she calls.

ToS-ToS-ToS

THE LLOYD IRVING SHOW: I Review Fics Based on One Random Sentence!

"This is the Lloyd Irving Show! It's not the Irving Lloyd Show! This is not my favorite show, because it is my worthless son's show!" Kratos sings the theme song in his famously off-key tenor voice, decked out in a red Japanese schoolgirl uniform. "If this were my show, you'd probably like it more, because it would be my show and it would be hot! But it's not my show, no, it's the Lloyd Irving Shoooooooooowww!"

Cameras spin and lights flash as Lloyd walks out onto the stage wearing a suit and tie. He waves at his audience members, and deigns to even shake a few of their hands before addressing the main camera. "Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the Lloyd Irving Show!" he greets, flashing a smile. "We've got a great show here tonight, like always! For the celebrity guests, Zero Gee a.k.a. Diana Meners will be here tonight"—at this there's a number of catcalls from the audience—"Yeah, yeah, down, fanboys." Laughter. "We've also got the Incredible, Not-So-Edible Eggman here to talk about how to properly take over the world and also to interrogate him about his recently questionable relationship with Sonic the Hedgehog. And last, but not least, Yuka and her Jammin' Jems will playing their new hit single 'Shimmering Emerald'!"

The audience cheers and roars.

"But first..." Lloyd grins widely and throws out his hands. "It's time for...'I Review Fics Based on One Random Sentence'!"

Over in the live band, Genis strums a few chords on his electric guitar, wearing a black beret, black tank top, and black jeans. Behind him, Presea mans the drums and Seles sounds off a jazz trumpet. The two girls are dressed in black turtleneck sweaters, black pleated mini-skirts, black stockings, and saddle shoes.

Lloyd strides easily over to his desk and sits down, shuffling through a few notecards. "Now, everyone knows I'm an advocate for easy-breezy literacy," he says. "No brain, no pain! Hence, why I review these fics based only on one random sentence. It's just too much trouble to go through and read the whole thing, yanno? Edumacation takes too long." Murmurs of agreement. Lloyd clears his throat. "Well, here we go!

"Starting off tonight's line-up of formidable fics is CerridwynBradhadairWyver's fantastical masterpiece Lord of the Plushies: The Fellowship of the Plushies! Don't be fooled by the cutesy title—this is one gut-wrenching angstfest, as can be seen with this line: 'What are you doing? No! NO! NOOO!' He shouted as she flapped her wings and carried him off. Not only is Lord of the Plushies a veritable homage to Mr. Tolkien's epic, but it is also an epic in its own right, seamlessly weaving social commentary on the rampant abuse of plushies with a compelling tale of heartbreak and redemption. Although I think the main character could stand to get some breast-reduction surgery, yanno what I'm sayin'?"

Silence.

"...anyway, while we're on the topic of heartbreak, let's take a look at Rewind, Book One: And so it begins by Crimson the Hyper. Crimson introduces an element of doubt early on that will become very vital in the outcome of this fic when she writes: 'They're only after Genis and me anyway. And besides, we have the Chosen on our side! The savior who will regenerate the world! Right, Colette?' Lloyd said. This constant questioning in a plea for an affirmation of goodness and light is brutally shattered with a revelation about Genis' feelings towards pink fluffy bathrobes that drives Raine to suicide a la Sylvia Plath. Despite the numerous twists, turns, and pitfalls, by the end of the fic, we're right back at the beginning again. It's like you never read the thing! Absolutely amazing!

"For a refreshing change of pace, let's turn our attention to Mia's Kitty by Dracobolt, a cautionary tale about why pussies are just too much trouble!" There's feminine hisses from the audience. "What? Just check this here sentence: Snowflake's claws were kneading into his thighs as she settled down, and those claws were currently too close to a certain part of Ivan's anatomy for his comfort. If that doesn't say something about the danger of kitties, then I don't know what does! Miss Dracobolt is skillful in her execution of this fic, managing to convey the dark side of cats without having to resort to graphic mutilations a la Hostel. Add in a teaspoon of her fine humor, harvested fresh from the plantations of Jamaica, plus Felix in a black cat costume singing the Meow Mix theme, and you've got yourself a winner of a fic!

"Pink Summer by Jadax is a light-hearted story about Mimi Tachikawa opening up a juice bar in a Hawaiian mega-mall complex, which leads to a brief but intense encounter with her old schoolmate Sora. However, Sora's not the one who notices Mimi's new venture at first. 'So, what's this place? I never saw it in here before,' Taichi looked around at the crowded mall they were in. Yes, folks, it's Sora's then-boyfriend who gives her the heads-up that eventually throws Sora and Mimi together for a fling in paradise. How's that for irony? It's a sweet, short romance—perfect for sunny days at the beach if you can get Net connection through the sandbars!

"The Addventures of the Talking Soda by LloydIrvingisMine—beautiful name, by the way—is a theoretical screenplay about...well...a talking soda. Now, before you dismiss this as simply a wannabe Aqua Teen Hunger Force, listen to this piece of dialogue. Link: 'Not really Bongo Bongo is not that hard after fighting him once already, And we got two of the sodas!' The presence of the Hero of Time is part of what makes this screenplay so memorable, but it's far from the only thing! Though he and the eternally unnamed talking soda start off on the wrong foot at first, a daring rescue mission quickly dissolves any enmity between them, and they remain dangerously cheesy friends for the remainder of the fic. This, amusingly enough, causes the normally sedate and sagely Saria to go off into random bouts of jealousy armed with a giant wooden spork. Overall, four-star!

"If you're into foreign love with a sting, then Mi Amor, Muffy by Love Star is your thing! A series of vignettes featuring the lovable gals from Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life heartily sleeping their way through Europe! It's not just men that get in on the action, either, as we can see here: She wasn't moving, and for a moment, my heart leapt back into my throat, 'N-Nami?' Let me tell you, I haven't seen nymphomania to the likes of this since Anais Nin's Delta of Venus, which seems like a very obvious model for this fic. Doomed to never be able to fully satisfy each other, Nami, Muffy, and Celia all must turn to the poor unfortunate hotties of France, Spain, Germany, and other places in an attempt to find hedonistic happiness. It's erotica without actually being erotic!"

"But how can it be erotica then?" Genis wonders aloud.

Lloyd ignores this lapse in logic and moves on. "For all those who loved Disney's Lilo & Stitch, you'll get a definite kick out of Luray123's Ohana, a speculative fic about what would happen if Stitch's 625 other cousins were working for Yggdrasill in Cruxis. Needless to say, hilarity ensues and all that jazz. I mean, we can't even tell Stitch's cousins apart. Poor Colette, who's normally adept at identifying the various idiosyncrasies of warm furry creatures, is at a loss as to what to do in this crucial moment of the fic: 'That one!' Colette pointed at some beat-up looking thing. What happens after Colette makes her fateful decision? Well, I won't give away the details, but suffice to say that nobody gets forgotten or left behind. Oh, and as a bonus chapter, we get to see Lilo take on the role of Chosen after Zelos mysteriously falls ill from eating too many Twinkies! What can I say? He had it comin'!

"Now here's a rare treat: an action and suspense fic set in the Animal Crossing world, with a political flavor to it! The Meaning of Power by Musical Kitten tells the story of an ideal Marxist Communist revolution engineered by a teenage schemer and William Hung fan named Leah. Leah figured she could trust Gulliver, so she told him about Nook and about the revolution the villagers were planning. But everything gets screwed up once she finds out that Nook is not Nook but is, in fact, a ROBOT!"

Presea's pigtails twitch involuntarily at this.

"What starts out as a workers' fight for rights turns into an Smash Brothers-style free-for-all complete with baseball bats, cloaking devices, and giant molesting hands! I truly loved the action in this one, folks. I hear there's plans underway for making this into a movie, directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Chiaki Kuriyama as Leah. Personally, I'd like to see Tom Cruise as Robot Nook, but we can't have everything, now, can we?

"We're almost to the end! Next up is Welcome to the Club by the ever-inimitable Post, a fic told entirely from the point-of-view of a lazy good-for-nothing named Brian O'Brien, who observes the comings and goings of the veritably costumed ladies at the aptly named Generic Local Country Club. Indeed, I watched as he gathered the women and children, having them run/crawl towards the direction of the exit, he writes from Mr. O'Brien's point-of-view as he takes note of a visiting politician. I was a little disturbed by the voyeuristic quality of this fic, but Post's keen observance skills were able to put me at ease. At least until those dang Berbers showed up.

"How are y'all on happy endings? How about hopeful endings? Well, I suppose that one could suggest the other, but anyway, Serenity MoonSinger's Hopefully Ever After wonderfully re-tells the story of Cinderella—set in Tethe'alla, of course. Or, dare I say it might be more appropriate to call the main character 'Cinderegal'? You'd think it couldn't happen, but it always does. Miss Moonsinger does a great job of addressing the complex issues of Regal's position in Tethe'alla, drawing eerie parallels to the classic fairy tale and even going beyond that. This line encompasses much of the psychological depth present in this fic: Now that he was sitting across from Regal, instead of at the other end of the table, Lloyd noticed that Regal still kept his hands together, as if they were still shackled, most of the time. Hopefully Ever After is the untold story of Regal's private, hidden Cinderella story. A must-read if you're a sucker for multi-dimensional gender issues and allegories that don't really exist.

"Finally, we've got the crazy, the hazy, and just plain amaze-y Sugar Rush Extreme by Teddy-the-Bear. Are you getting Dreamstreet vibes from that title? If you do, you're spot-on. This is one helluva crossover fic, let me tell you! Dreamstreet drops in on Sylvarant and promptly upstages Raine as the foremost academic authority in the land! Yeah, I still can't believe it either. I mean, can you imagine this utterance from the Professor: 'Oh, snap, I just remembered! I was supposed to add to that equasion...' And the idea that members of a boy band are actually smart!" There's a chorus of "oooh's" from the studio. "Oh, come on, y'all know you were all thinking the same thing! Twisted minds think alike and all that. Anyway, if you dig pretty boys with brains mingling with your favorite Symphonia characters, go right ahead and look up Sugar Rush Extreme! I guarantee you, it'll be a rush!"

The audience claps wildly and cheers.

Lloyd takes a sip of butterbeer from his mug and grins. "Folks, if you have a fic you want me to review based on one random sentence, go ahead and send it to LloydIrvingIsHotness Omega at sylvarant dot net! We'll be right back with the slightly mental, southern Oriental Zero Gee! Don't go away!"

Genis, Seles, and Presea all play filler jazz music as the show fades to a commercial break that never comes...

ToS-ToS-ToS

MINI-SERIES: PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Six

In the shipping hold of Mana Enterprises, Secret Agent Genis Sage menacingly aims a laser pistol at Regal Bryant, a.k.a. Dandy, Symphonia S.W.A.T. team-member-turned-traitor-or-perhaps-was-always-a-traitor-and-just-hid-it-behind-a-biseinen-facade-and-angst-sessions-and-OH-LOOK-SHINY-HANDCUFFS. Anyway. "You've got some explaining to do, mister," Genis snarls.

Regal smirks. "What's there to explain?" he asks, spreading his arms out dramatically. "I love Presea—surely that says enough!"

A long and exceedingly pregnant silence waddles in...and waddles out.

"Dude, is this loli?" Zelos whispers to Sheena.

"Srsly," Sheena agrees, nodding sagely.

"Are you going to start giving me meadowmuffins about the power of love and all that?" Genis sneers. "Hate to say it, but Celine Dion is gone with the wind. No, really, what's the real reason you betrayed us, you jack-face?"

"Betray? I cannot betray something I never believed in!" Regal declares. He stands protectively and proudly behind the android Presea. "You foolish children, believing you even stood a change of dismantling Mana Enterprises. Why, even if you did manage such an impossible feat, Mana Enterprises would only be scratching the surface!"

"Then why even join us in the first place?" Sheena growls, her eyes glowing green with restrained psychic energy.

"Because Presea had done so!" Regal snaps. "She was a brilliant girl, with talent, genius, maturity, and pink hair beyond her years! Presea was the Christine to my Phantom! I loved her, and so dearly wanted to bring her to her full potential. But in order to do so, I had to convince her to trade the silly ideals of Symphonia S.W.A.T. for the very real visions of Mana Enterprises—which she did!"

"Oh, right, because she totally did that without having you get her pigtails in a pretty little twist," Lloyd drawls.

Regal smiles thinly. "Of course she did. Love isn't love if it's not done freely."

Genis whips out a second laser pistol. "Listen, talk ain't cheap," he says. "But I'd certainly rather duel this out in words than with weapons. What did you mean when you said that destroying Mana Enterprises would only be scratching the surface?"

Regal crosses his arms smugly. "That Mana Enterprises is merely a subordinate of a larger organization—and that larger organization happens to be Lezareno Corporations!"

A chorus of gasps from the Symphonia S.W.A.T. "No freakin' way..." Lloyd breathes.

"YOU LIE!" Genis shouts, the pistols trembling in his hands with his confusion and anger. "L-Lezareno Corporations funded practically all of our missions!"

"The irony is quite gorgeous, isn't it?" Regal cackles. "Lezareno Corporations, funding Symphonia S.W.A.T's missions to take down Mana Enterprises so that Lezareno could cover its own fat arse in the eyes of the public...really, only a genius like me could have conceived such a brilliant plan."

"Such as 'you'?" Colette wanted to know.

Regal cackles again. "Don't you know?" he says. "The president of Lezareno Corporations...is me!"

A storm blares in the background, the flashes of lightning lending a maniacal gleam to Regal's eyes.

"You bastard!" Zelos shouts, a battle aura glowing around him. FW-WEEM-WEEM-WEEM! His long red hair flaps dangerously with the magical wind conjured from the aura. "It was your lousy-ass corporation that killed my sister!"

"My 'lousy-ass' corporation was doing nothing except its job," Regal replies calmly.

"Oh?" Genis asks. "And what was that?"

"Functioning as a one-dimensional, pseudo-mysterious background boogeyman for a storyline that has no real plot."

Everyone facefaults.

Regal raises an eyebrow. "What? You asked, didn't you?"

A wall of the shipping hold inexplicably crumbles to the ground. CRAAASSSH!

Lloyd sharpens his katanas against each other like a fork and knife—SHNK-SHNK-SHNK-SHNK!—and slides into an offensive stance. "People like you are the lowest of the low!" he growls. "You're going down!"

"Oh, not if I can help it." Regal bends down and wraps his arms around Presea's shoulders. "Sing, my angel! Sing...my angel of annihilation! MWAHAHAHA!"

"iT iS oF tHe HoUr To PeRiSh..." With that, Presea opens her mouth insanely wide to reveal a giant uvula sporting six super-powered missiles.

SH-SH-SH-SH-SH-SHWOOOOOM!

"Everyone, take cover!" Genis yells.

KA-BOOOOM! BOOM!

Explosions rattle the shipping hold, saturating the air with dust and thick smoke. Coughing can be heard everywhere from the Symphonia S.W.A.T. as they try to recover.

"Argh!" Zelos grumbles. "What happened to the damn computer monitor? It totally blanked out on me!"

"Zelos, you're not on the Internet surfing for porn at the moment," comes Sheena's mildly-annoyed correction. "Hang on, let me see if I can use my powers to pinpoint where Presea is..."

"Sheena, don't!" Genis warns. "Presea can probably sense your—!"

SCHWEEM! There's a flash of green as Sheena activates her psychic powers. "I've got it!" she yells. "Presea's at B4!"

"Where the hell is B4?" Lloyd yells back.

"I don't know! I was hoping you could tell me!"

"It wouldn't happen to be anywhere near K9, would it?" Colette asks.

"b...4..." A whirring sound. "i HaVe SuNk YoUr BaTtLeShIp."

SHWOOOOM! BLAM!

"Aaaauugh!" Sheena is slammed hard in her gut by a mini-missile. She flies back and crashes painfully into a stack of wooden crates. One of them topples onto her head. SMAASH! "Ugh..." Sheena slumps over.

The smoke is starting to clear now. Zelos' battle aura glows even brighter than before. "Hey, now!" he growls. "I'm the only one allowed to sink Sheena's battleships with my missiles, you got that?"

Genis facepalms. "Quit while you're ahead, please..."

Zelos tenses his arms.

Clenches his fists.

Closes his eyes.

Scrunches his brow.

Squats down a little.

Takes a deep breath.

And...

"HUAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH—"

PFFFFF-FFT-FFT-FFTTT!

"Eeek!" Colette clasps her hands to her nose, nearly dropping her explosives. "It smells...it smells...it smells like..."

"Oh, boy, it smells all right," Genis says, wobbling slightly and holding a sleeve to his face to save his olfactory nerves. "Zelos! What the hell were you thinking? Presea's an android—she can't smell anything!"

Zelos straightens up again and brushes off his bum, smirking. "Oh, come on, even an android like her has to have smelled that!" His smirk suddenly drops dead as he realizes that Presea is standing right behind him. "...or not."

"fOoLiSh FeMaLe DoG," Presea says. "yOuR fLaTuLeNcE cAnNoT hUrT mE." Her metallic pigtails swivel around, aim straight at Zelos, and open a round of machine gun fire. RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-A-TAT!

A beat.

Zelos blinks.

Slowly...bloody bullet holes pop open at various points on his body.

Presea stares.

So does everyone else.

Zelos looks around inquiringly.

The holes continue to bleed.

Colette fidgets.

Lloyd whistles the Jeopardy tune.

Genis raises an eyebrow.

"...hey, uh...this isn't where I'm supposed to fall down and pass out, is it?" Zelos asks meekly.

Presea nods.

Zelos pouts. "That's inferior! I didn't even get to unleash my Pimpwave Bonanza yet! Don't I get at least a few more lines?"

Regal taps his wristwatch impatiently.

"Oh." Zelos sighs. "Fine, fine. But I expect to get paid extra for this." FWUMP!

"Dammit!" Genis grits his teeth. "That's two of us she's taken down already!" He aims his pistols. "Forgive me, Presea...for I can't forgive you for what you've done!" He unloads the laser pistols on her petite androidal figure.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Presea dodges the bullets with amazing ease. She skids to a stop some distance away. "hA, hA, hA," she laughs, her deadpan expression never changing. "cAn YoU sMeLl WhAt ThE AxMaN iS cOoKiNg?" She launches another missile from her mouth again, one heading straight for Genis.

Genis freezes to his spot. The missile's too fast, and he's too slow. He says a quick Hail Martel and prepares to die—

—only to have Lloyd dive-tackle him out of harm's way and onto the ground. FWUMP!

BLAM! The missile crashes into a wall and explodes.

Lloyd looks at Genis. "You okay there?"

Genis grins and shoves Lloyd off him. "Thanks, buddy, but I could've dodged that one easily."

Lloyd rolls his eyes and stands up. "What, using the power of the Matrix? I don't think so."

Genis' eyes widen. "Lloyd! Look out!"

"What?"

FWWOOOOSSSH—CLUNK!

The incoming missile is deflected upwards and in the opposite direction by Lloyd's impossibly gelled hair. It sails through the ceiling—SMASH!—and into the sky, where it explodes in a burst of colorful fireworks that spell out "HAIR ERECTIONS FTW!" Though thusly re-routed, it has done its damage.

"Oooooh-wee..." Lloyd flails about, swirly-eyed. "Fry the pretty birdies!" He blacks out and collapses right on top of Genis.

"Ack!" Genis grunts as he tries to shove Lloyd off him. "Lloyd, get up! Get off me, dammit! WHAT WILL THE FANGIRLS THINK?"

Meanwhile, Colette is launching her own offensive, using her disk-shaped explosives. "T-take that!" she stutters, flinging a disk. "And that! And that!" Her arms pinwheel into a disk-flinging frenzy. "Just stop hurting my friends pleeeeaaasssee?"

Presea turns around and advances on Colette, unharmed by the explosives. She lifts a hand. A compartment slides open in her palm and ejects something bright at Colette. FWWWPP!

"Eeek!" Colette's smacked in the face by the projectile. She pulls it off her face...and finds herself holding a pair of pristine white panties. "Huh?" She stretches them curiously with both hands.

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! "Warning," the panties intone. "These panties will self-destruct in five second. Please place your hand between your legs and bid your clitoris good-bye. Remember that this is completely safe to try at home. Thank you for shopping at Lezareno Corporations this holiday season."

"What? But it's not even Christmastime yet—"

KA-BLAM!

Genis manages to push Lloyd's unconscious body off him just in time to see Colette engulfed in a bright white (and cottony fresh!) explosion. He looks around him in horror. "No..." he whispers. "This can't be..."

Sheena buried under a pile of crates.

Zelos bleeding on the floor.

Lloyd unconscious at his feet.

And Colette burned to kingdom come.

Genis drops to his knees and screams. "Nooooooooo!"

"Face it, Genis Sage," Regal says, joining Presea at her side once more. "You are nothing in this world. Give it up and go home...if you even have one to go to! Mwahahaha!"

Genis bows his head, clenching his fists on his thighs. He is silent.

Outside, the storm starts up again, pouring sheets of rain onto the shipping hold.

Regal smiles. "Let us go, dear Presea." He places a hand on her shoulder. "You and I have an entire world to conquer..."

"...n-no..."

Regal and Presea stop and turn around.

Genis has gotten to his feet. He stands determinedly. "No," he repeats. "I'm not giving up that easily." His pale white hair drapes in front of his face, casting stark shadows and hardening his childish features.

"You don't say," Regal says, seeming unsure of what Genis was up to.

"Oh, but I do say." Genis slides back the sleeve of his trenchcoat with a hand, revealing a gleaming metal arm. "See, I made a promise to my friends...to Marble...and I'll be damned if I don't keep it."

(to be continued in the last exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)

ToS-ToS-ToS

INTERVIEW REEEEE-MIX: When Lloyd Met Colette - Awwww Yeah!

"Wen did Cole an' I first meet? Hell if I know. Feels like I've always known her. Mmm-hmm."

"Yeah, I don't remembuh meetin' ya either. Not dat I've forgotten yuh or anythin'...know what ah'm sayin'?"

"Sho 'nuff!"

"I jus' mean dat...y'always bin dere fo' me! It feels like ya bin wiff me forevuh, mmm-hmm. It's really tight when ya tho't 'bout it—ain't no beginning or end ta our connex! We be destined ta share all things in da 'hood!"

"Smiles, wut wut!"

"Teeaaaaaaaars!"

"Laughtuh!"

"Birthdays, yeah!"

"And lunches."

"Lunches? What 'choo be talkin' 'bout, foo'?"

"I always gave yuh mah celery sticks an' broccoli. Don't make me shank ya, now!"

"Oh, daaaas right. And I used ta give ya half o' mah PB and chizzle sandwich. Ya dang 'hood rat!"

"Man, dose were soooooome kind o' tasty. Dayum...now ah'm hungry..."

"Yo, remember dat time we's made dat 'ants on uh log' thang usin' yo celery stix ta, yanno, git da PB off mah sandwichizzle?"

"Wid dem sunflower seeds dat almost killed ya cuz I made you laugh with mah impression o' Miz Raine crossed wiff Pops?"

"Fo' rizzle! Dat wuz Genis' shizzle, yeah?"

"Sho 'nuff! Jacked 'em from his desk when he wasn' lookin'. Awwww yeah."

"I ain't down wid sunflower seeds, yo."

"Hey, now, don't be hatin'. We didn't have none of dem raisins around. Carlotta usually had da goods, but she wuz one mean mutha."

"Carlotta braided mah dreads ta da back of mah chair, once...dumb ho..."

"Fo' shizzle. We had ta git up one o' dem box cutters to git ya free. Ya should've stuck wid dat fro, yanno, cuz you looked like soooome kind o' cute."

"But man, I looked like a boy! Pops tole me if I looked like a boy, Big Momma Oracle wouldn't know me when mah time came and den the world would end, an' it'd all be my fault."

"Mmm-hmm. Co-Co here an' I gots known each other for-evuh, like dis, ya know wut ah'm sayin'? So it ain't like I remember meetin' her. But if you really wanted ta go way back, ya know, like waaaaaay back, da firs' memory I gots o' her is when she up an' volunteered ta git dat chicken pox wiff me so's I wouldn't be lonely while I wuz sick. Hell if I know how someone 'volunteers' to git sick, but dat's what Colette did. Man, 'choo be sooooome kind o' crazy sometimes, ya know dat?"

"Well, sor-rie!"

"Nah, it's coo', it's coo'. Ya wouldn't be you wiffout a li'l crazy-style."

"...chii-izzle?"

"We wuz real young, like prob'ly five o' so. It wuz nice o' her an' all, but...a li'l whack, too, ya know wut I'm sayin'?"

"Homiez share ev'rythang!"

"Tru dat, tru dat. Pops let me crash at her crib when I wuz down, cuz he don' know how to deal with it. Whooo, dat wuz the shizzat, yo! 'Cept we wuz scratchin' ourselves most of da time."

"We picked out dem constellashuns on each other wid a pencil!"

"Eheheheheh..."

"You had Li'l Efreet and da Mana Tree, and I had 50-Volt."

"What'choo be sayin'? 50-Volt wuz just some ol' scab on yuh!"

"But I still had 'im, didn't I? Didn't I? Daaaaas right, you back down like dat..."

"Mmm-hmm. Dat wuz some kind o' interestin'."

"Yo, remembuh da soup G-mama made fer us?"

"Screw dat! Remembuh da soup Miz Raine made?"

"...man, dat made me throw up like a mutha."

"I tole yuh not ta eat it, but yuh didn't listen t'me! Chicken soup ain't s'posed ta be green, and da noodles ain't s'posed ta crunch when ya eat 'em!"

"Aww, c'mon, Miz Raine looked like her dawg jus' died or summin' when she dropped by!"

"Jeeeezus. Even back then ya wuz itchin' for a bitchin'."

"Sorry, bro..."

"Nah, it be coo'. Ah'm jus' sayin' dat's how ya wuz back den."

"Hey, I ain't like dat no mo', am I?"

"Well, when Z-Man got busted by the feds dat one time in da streets of Altamira, yuh didn't jump in to get taken in wid 'im, did ya?"

"Only cuz Sheena tole me he'd make me do some bad shizzle if I did."

"Yeah? Spill."

"Dunno. Didn't say."

"Maybe he'd make ya go and pop a cap in Regal's ass? Or, like, pull a gun on one o' dem coppers? Or jack some cotton candy off a punk?"

"Now why the heck would he want me to do dat wen he be in da howse?"

"Miz Raine says dat some people get a li'l crazy in da howse an' den dey get an' itchin' ta go ice someone, yanno?"

"Oh."

"Well, at least he was cuffed up faster 'n you can say 'werd,' so, y'know...he couldn't really do nuthin'."

"I kinda felt bad fer 'im, y'know? But it wuz da bomb to chill wit 'choo an' all! We crashed the amusement park an' ev'rythang, jus' me and mah man. We hopped the roller coaster and da Ferris Wheel..."

"An' ya jumped dat guy at the game booth and done snagged yerself a giant teddy bear."

"Now dat was some kind o' cute!"

"If ya liked it so much, why'd ya go and dump it on Z-man? I mean, 'sup wit dat?"

"Well, he tole me dat he wuz a li'l lonely cooped wid da feds, yeah? So I gives it ta him so's dat he'd always have someone wid 'im even if I ain't dere!"

"Ahaha...I can dig it, yo...I can dig it..."

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Studying the Inside of Your Eyelids

It's another night outdoors for the intrepid team of Lloyd and his companions: Colette, Genis, Professor Raine, and the enigmatic mercenary Kratos. As Genis cooks up their dinner—roasted pheasant with spices fresh from their last stop in Palmacosta—and Raine sits in the tent, reading a book she had procured from a traveling merchant, Lloyd and Colette are gathered around the campfire, enjoying each other's company. Off in the shadows, Kratos sits cross-legged, his eyes closed, and his sword at his side.

Lloyd (rather jealously) notices Colette's eyes transfixed on the solitary swordsman. "What're you looking at him for?" he asks, trying to keep the edge out of his voice.

"Oh!" Colette smiles. "I was just thinking...Kratos is pretty cool, isn't he?"

Lloyd scowls silently. "I suppose so."

"I really admire his discipline, you know. He always meditates every night, and for such a long period of time! I wonder how he does it?"

Lloyd purses his lips.

His gaze falls on Kratos.

A beat.

Lloyd gets up.

He walks over to Kratos.

He pokes Kratos in the shoulder.

FWUMP!

Kratos promptly topples over onto the ground and lets out a roar of a snore, never once opening his eyes.

Lloyd smirks. "He's sleeping."

ToS-ToS-ToS

FEATURE PARODY: Kill WHO?

The House of OOCness (located on the corner of 87th and Walgreens for your dining pleasure, walk-ins are welcome, for reservations please call 426-I-PWN-J00) is enjoying a pleasantly busy night tonight. Not because Miss Zhael Tazuki is singing her lovely tunes onstage clad in a shimmery pink gown, vocally backed by the Inner Sailor Scouts, nor is it because more Mary Sues are being churned out by the millisecond, nor is it even because there are more instances of the weepy!uke!Mithos theme than stars in the sky, or flies in your soup for that matter.

No, the House of OOCness is bustling tonight for one reason, and one reason only.

Her name is O-Shee Fujibayashi, queen of the yakuza. An orphan at birth, she was raised in Izumo and quickly trained to be a highly efficient kunoichi. She proved herself to be a ruthless warrior, dispatching all those in her way...especially those who questioned the purity of her lineage. Rumor had it that she had elven blood running through her veins, and thus made her unworthy to lead such a vast kingdom as that of the Meltokian underground. Whatever the truth was, she sent any naysayers running to their graves. There is no doubt as to the vast range of her skill, and the extent to which she will wield her power.

She and her personal team of bodyguards (known as the Crazy 69's) are dining now on the second level of the restaurant, in the VIP room. I can hear them from here, laughing and roaring and having just a dandy old time.

Well, that's going to change very, very soon.

"O-Shee! You and I have unfinished business!"

Sheena, dressed in a pure white kimono and sitting seiza at the low table, blinks twice.

She gets up, opens the sliding door, and heads onto the balcony, looking out.

Zelos, who is wearing a long black cheongsam dress and has his red hair in a braid, stands in the middle of the dance floor, looking absolutely terrified. "Please don't mess up the hair, please don't mess up the hair, please don't mess up the hair..." he continually whimpers.

Sheena's eyes narrow.

From behind Zelos...

Colette steps out.

She's clad in a yellow track jacket and yellow track pants with a thick black stripe running down either side of the outfit.

She holds a gleaming katana in her hand.

Revenge and hatred are written all over her angelic face.

Sheena inhales sharply. "(OMG NAME CENSORED)," she whispers.

Brown eyes meet with blue ones.

COLETTE-VISION

Extreme close-up of Colette's eyes.

A siren begins to wail.

A drum beat pounds.

Red-tinted footage of Sheena kicking around Colette's pet dog is juxtaposed over the shot.

END COLETTE-VISION

Colette raises her katana.

In one slick motion of polished steel—

SLASH!

Zelos' left arm detaches itself from his shoulder.

A crimson fountain of fruit punch-flavored Kool-Aid practically geysers out of the severed socket.

Patrons and yakuza alike gasp in terror.

THUMP!

Zelos drops to the floor, writhing and screaming in agony, painting the walls and floor red with his convulsions of pain.

"! AAAH! AAAAAAAAUUGH!"

Colette ignores the high-pitched wails. Her gaze unwavering, she begins to advance on Sheena, one calm step at a time.

The staff, the band, and the customers of the House of OOCness shriek wildly.

They stampede for the exits as Colette marches ever closer to her target.

Meanwhile, the Crazy 69's scramble to form a human wall between Colette and Sheena...although one of them slips and falls into a nearby koi pond. KER-SPLASH!

A beat.

The restaurant is now completely empty, save for Colette, Sheena, and the Crazy 69's. Oh, and the shrieking form of Zelos still flailing in the background, practically swimming in his own juices.

Sheena speaks a name. "Remiel."

Remiel emerges from the rest of the Crazy 69's. He dons a black tuxedo and a Mardi Gras-esque feather mask over his face.

He deftly flips over the railing of the balcony, lands on his feet, and whips out his sword.

CHNNNG!

His nostrils flare.

His eyebrows scrunch up.

He opens his mouth—

"AIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIIII!"

And he charges straight for Colette.

STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP—

Colette silently raises her sword and settles into a striking stance.

Remiel, still screaming, is almost onto her.

Colette waits.

Remiel leaps and swings...

Colette leaps and swings...

SW-SWISH CLANG!

The top half of Remiel's blade flies off.

Remiel stares dumbly at his decapitated weapon.

SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!

Like a dancer of death, Colette spins and slashes at Remiel, who is too slow to escape.

Her blonde hair whirls gracefully around her.

She barely bats an eyelash.

SL-SL-SL-LAAAAAAASH!

With a final flourish, Colette holds out her sword to one side, kneels slightly on one knee, and bows her head.

Another beat.

Remiel falls apart to bloody ribbons on the ground, his flesh and clothes unraveling into a sloppy little pile of sinews and pulverized bone.

Sheena grits her teeth in rage. "Tear that bitch to shreds!" she screams in her native Izuman.

Six more members of the Crazy 69's unsheathe their swords with a loud, resounding SHIINNGGG!

They rush down the steps, banzai-ing the whole way.

—

They surround Colette.

Colette isn't fazed.

One swipe of her sword is enough to take down four of the six.

SLAAAAAASSHH!

As the victims gurgle their last breaths through bloody slits in their throat, the remaining two attack Colette at the same time.

Colette jumps up into the air.

The swords clang together and meet in the middle from a horizontal slash. CLANG!

Colette lands daintily on the point where the two blades touch.

Her opponents' mouths gape wide in awe and fear.

Colette gives a barely imperceptible smirk.

Their mouths gape wider...

SLASH!

—and suddenly hinge back as the top half of their heads are severed from the corners of their mouths up.

TH-THUMP!

Fountains of Kool-Aid gush from their exposed throats.

Colette vaults off the swords, somersaults in the air, and lands on her feet.

She grabs a cup from a nearby table and holds it out to catch the Kool-Aid spurting in the air.

Once it's filled, Colette downs the thing in one gulp and then tosses the cup to the side, where it shatters on the floor.

CRRASH!

She wipes her mouth with the back of her arm and makes eye contact with Sheena again.

Her red-stained lips are pinched in a firm line of determination.

Sheena's face is carefully blank.

"So, O-Shee," Colette says, flicking her sword to get the remnants of the Kool-Aid off it. "Got any more green peppers for me to mince?"

Lloyd appears from behind Sheena.

He sports a dark blue Japanese schoolboy uniform—a high-collared tunic jacket with a button-up front, dress slacks, and red Converse sneakers. His weapon of choice is an enlarged version of an Exsphere attached to a long metal chain, which dangles and swings from his right hand as he walks. The chain of the weapon is wrapped around his left hand.

As he approaches the top of the stairs, Lloyd stops momentarily and waves. "'Sup?"

"Yo-Yo Gubari...right?" Colette asks in Izuman.

Lloyd smiles, and responds easily in the same language. "You betcha." He begins to descend the steps, the chain links rattling as he walks. "And you must be Dog Lover."

Clink, clink, clink.

Colette strides slowly forward to meet him. "It would seem that our reputations precede us."

Step, step, step.

"Sure," Lloyd answers. "Whatever that means. I don't like big words, you know."

Clink, clink, clink.

Colette takes a breath. "Yo-Yo," she says, reverting back to her first language. "I know that you feel you must protect your mistress. But I beg you...walk away now."

A beat.

Lloyd laughs.

Hard.

"You call that begging?" he says in Izuman, vainly attempting to suppress more giggles.

Clink, clink, clink.

Colette remains silent.

Step, step, step.

Lloyd reaches the bottom of the staircase.

THUNK!

The Exsphere lands on the ground, startling Colette to attention.

Lloyd's face is suddenly deadly serious. "Even Kratos can beg better than that."

Colette blinks.

Lloyd swings his weapon up and over his head, where he twirls it.

And twirls it.

And twirls it.

WHOOSH...WHOOSH...WHOOSH...WHOOSH...

Colette steps back, her sword extended.

WHOOSH...WHOOSH...

Lloyd steps forward.

With a flick of the wrist, he hurls the massive Exsphere at Colette.

FWOOOSH!

Colette ducks.

The Exsphere sails past her and demolishes a chunk of wooden post behind her. SHRRASH!

With a grunt, Lloyd yanks it out, twirls it around his arms, and sends it flying at her again.

The chain wraps around Colette's sword.

Colette grinds her molars.

She struggles to free her blade.

Lloyd twists his body and pulls.

The sword flies through the air and clatters on the floor some distance away. Cl-Clang!

Colette's eyes widen.

Lloyd pulls the Exsphere back around to him and kicks it.

WHAM!

It slams into Colette's chest and knocks her back into a table, which demolishes upon impact.

CRASSSHH!

Asian-styled dishes and wooden splinters rain around her.

Without missing a beat, Lloyd runs up, Exsphere twirling—WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH—does a no-hands forward flip, passes his weapon through his legs in mid-air, and swings it down one-handed in a vertical arc as he lands on his feet.

THA-WHAMMM!

Colette rolls off the remnants of the table as the Exsphere thuds into her previous spot.

She helicopter-kicks back up into a standing position.

Lloyd yanks his weapon, twirls it, and sends it out.

FWOOOOM!

The Exsphere is headed straight for her face again.

Colette bends back Matrix-style—SLOOOOOOOOOOOOW-MO—and, while still bent backwards, sloooooooowwwwlllyyyyy twists around...

Heaves her hips up...

And...

BAM!

Soccer-kicks the Exsphere back at Lloyd.

WHOMPF!

Lloyd falls back and skids on his bottom across the floor, stopping just short of the koi pond.

Colette stands, panting.

Lloyd gets up and stands.

They glare at each other.

Sheena watches.

Lloyd whirls his weapon around his head again.

Colette assumes a defensive stance.

Lloyd runs towards her.

WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH!

He flings the Exsphere at Colette.

Colette jumps back.

The Exsphere misses her by an inch.

Lloyd spins around, twists the chain over his head, and swings his weapon at her from the other direction.

It makes loud contact with of the side of Colette's skull.

BAM!

"AAAH!" Colette gets ragdolled aside and slammed into a wooden post, knocking over another table in the process. She slumps to the ground, temporarily stunned.

FWWOOOSH-CLINK-THUNK!

The Exsphere swings around Colette's neck twice before flying into the wall behind her, the chain pinning her throat against the post.

Colette gasps.

Lloyd smirks.

He steps forward, yanking on the chain.

"Nnngh!" Colette chokes and claws frantically at the links around her throat.

Another step...another yank.

Colette's eyes bulge.

STEP!

Her gaze darts around frantically, trying to find a sign of salvation.

YANK!

And...she finds it.

A silver fork on the floor, the request of a chopstick-illiterate patron.

She snatches it and throws it.

FWWSSSH!

The fork sticks into the back of Lloyd's hand.

Kool-Aid spurts out from the prongs.

Lloyd shrieks and drops the chain.

Colette scrambles to free herself.

Once she does so, she suddenly spots two circular silver trays on a trolley.

She runs.

Lloyd yanks the fork out and tosses it away angrily. He shakes out his wounded hand and picks up his weapon again.

Colette now holds the two trays in her hands, ready to fight.

Lloyd growls. He swings the Exsphere around and attacks.

WHOOOSH!

Colette blocks with one tray.

CL-CLANG!

She spins around and flings the other like a Frisbee.

FWWWWSH-SLKKKT!

CHK!

A beat.

Lloyd stares at Colette.

Colette gazes regretfully back at him.

Lloyd's eyes slowly tear up with Kool-Aid.

His head slides off and lands liquidly on the ground, followed shortly thereafter by his body. SQUELCH!

The silver tray that Colette threw is embedded in a wooden post some distance behind where Lloyd had previously been standing.

A dramatic pause ensues.

Colette closes her eyes and sighs.

She goes to retrieve her sword.

From the folds of her obi, Sheena pulls out a food-stained wakizashi.

Deliberately...ceremoniously...she unsheathes the blade.

The perfection of the metal is marred only by the dried bits of ramen stuck to it.

With one flick of the arm, she stabs the blade vertically into the wooden railing of the balcony.

THK!

Then...

A car horn rendition of "La Cucaracha" blares in from the outside.

Colette's head snaps up.

She looks at Sheena.

"Is that what I think it is?" Colette asks.

Sheena laughs softly. "You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?"

"You know, for a second there..." Colette snorts. "Yeah. I kinda did."

Sheena smiles. "Don't worry..."

"Be..." Colette continues.

"Happy," they finish together.

-KA-POW!

The entrance to the main dining hall of the House of OOCness bursts open.

In stomps a black-suited Rodyle, wearing a rubber half-mask of George W. Bush's face and brandishing a long, menacing, neon-green Funoodle. He puffs out his chest and lets out a wild, savage yell: "FREEEEDDOOOMMMMM FIIIIIIIIIGHTERSSSSSS!"

The Techno Syndrome Mortal Kombat theme starts playing for no apparent reason with no apparent source.

More of the Crazy 69's pour in from behind him like neurotic ants.

They're everywhere.

All of them wear black suits.

All of them wear funky rubber masks.

All of them wave around Funoodles in a rainbow of colors.

They quickly encase Colette in a round wall of human bodies.

Colette regards them with a careful eye.

A beat.

She snaps her sword into position.

The Crazy 69's simultaneously gasp and draw back in fear, Funoodles quivering.

She turns her sword slightly.

She can see her opponents reflected in the metal of the blade.

A night wind blows...

And Colette strikes.

CL-CLANG! SLASH!

"AAUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH!"

STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!STATIC!

"Awwww gee, sis!" Mithos whines from his place on a beanbag chair. He's dressed in Superman pajamas and clutching a Link plushie. In front of him, a big-screen TV burbles black-and-white electric fuzz. "What gives?"

Martel authoritatively places the remote on top of the television. "That movie was getting too violent for you," she says, picking up soda cans and chip bags lying around their family room. "Come on, it's time for bed."

Mithos pouts. "But I wanted to see Dog Lover kick some ass!"

"Mithos Yggdrasill, you watch your mouth or I'll wash it out with soap!"

"Yes'm."

ToS-ToS-ToS

RAINE CHECK PLZ