DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything in this story. If you recognize it then its not mine. I make no money off this story either.

A/N: Edited and reposted Aug 09, 2005.

It's a parody folks. Not meant to be serious. There is definite OOC behavior in here. This makes fun of all those wonderful CLex stories. There be slash here so if you don't like it, don't read it.

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I'M WHAT?

By Betsanne

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Clark walked into the room and stared at his best friend. He would finally say the words that could change everything. He didn't know what would happen, but he did have comfort that Jor-El said he could run away and join the circus if things didn't work out. Jor-El didn't figure he would be much in the mood for taking over the world if things didn't go right. Maybe Jor-El wasn't such a bad guy after all. Clark paused in his thoughts and shook his head; naaaahhhh the spirit of his biological father was evil.

"Lex, I need to talk to you," Clark said nervously.

Lex's head whipped up and he smiled at Clark. He put his Avenging Angel action figures back into his secret drawer and stood up. He straightened his jacket and walked over to Clark. He smiled at him gently and asked, "What's up, Clark?"

Clark stared at his very hot, sexy friend and the words he was going to say flew right out of his mind. He moaned internally as his friend stalked towards him. Does he know what he does to me when he walks like that? Clark grumbled to himself.

"I have something to tell you. Something that could change the very essence of our friendship. Something that could make you look at me in horror and run away in disgust. Something that could destroy the very fabric of our friendship which will result in you hating me. You will probably try to destroy me, never succeeding until you finally destroy the earth in a fit of insanity, and there will be no one alive except you and me," Clark said in a dramatic rush.

"Telling me you're gay is going to do all that?" Lex asked in confusion.

Clark blinked at him, his mouth gaped open. "Uh…excuse me? I'm what?" he asked with a stammer.

"That is what you were going to tell me right?" Lex asked with a hopeful smile. "I mean I've been waiting since you were fifteen for you to tell me that. Now that you're in college, I was hoping that maybe we would finally have a chance for a relationship. I will, of course, have to get over my fear of commitment and relationships. I will also have to stop trying to prove that I'm just a bad as my father and suppress my egotistical, homicidal urge to destroy and conquer the world, but for you I can do it." Lex frowned for a moment. "Unless you leave me, which will result in me destroying everything you have ever loved, causing you unbearable pain. I will then become a dictator, which will ultimately go insane and destroy everything, forcing me to blame you for my every mistake. We'll then be together in a vicious circle of blame and hate, together forever. But hey, I think we should give a go," Lex said with a blinding smile.

Clark stood there blinking rapidly before replying, "Oh, um…well, you're gay, Lex?"

Lex nodded his head eagerly. "Yes, but I've been saving myself for you," he said virtuously.

Clark crossed his arms and frowned at Lex. "What about Victoria, Desiree, Helen, Lily, Fernando, Thomas, Valerie, Patrick, Bruce, Wally and let's not forget my favorite, Pete," he asked with a pout.

Lex looked at him earnestly. "They were nothing but substitutes for you. I was lonely, but I didn't want to risk our friendship, so I made the horrible sacrifice of sleeping with them until you were ready. But no longer, now that you're going to confess that you're gay, we will be together, our love will know no bounds, and our relationship will be the stuff of legends," Lex said with a glorious smile.

"We'll have sex right?" Clark asked with a hopeful, shy grin.

Lex bounced on his feet in excitement. "We'll have raunchy, kinky sex that will blow your mind. Unless you're a virgin, then we'll have to go slow for several months while I try to be honorable, which will result in a misunderstanding where we'll have a fight and I'll be unfaithful. In retaliation you'll find someone else to sleep with and we'll split up and won't see each other for several years. By then we'll have realized our mistakes, but we'll be too proud to say anything. We will meet once again as I lay dying on a hospital bed, but it'll be too late for us. I'll die and you'll linger in anguish, forever berating yourself for your pride and wallowing in guilt while becoming a hermit, forsaking all avenues of love. So yes, we'll have sex," Lex said with a naughty grin.

Clark took a step forward. "What if we're not compatible?" he asked in a husky voice.

Lex reached up and wound his arms around Clark's neck, pulling his head down. Their lips touched and they began to kiss softly, hesitantly. Clark grabbed Lex and pulled him closer, their bodies touching. He deepened the kiss and the spark between them raged in a fire. The room was filled with moans and sounds of heavy breathing.

A few minutes later Clark pulled back and looked down at a dazed Lex. His lips were puffy from the kisses and his face flushed. His blue eyes were dilated and filled with arousal.

"I think we're compatible," Lex murmured and Clark had to agree. Sex with Lex wasn't going to be a problem. As much as he wanted to continue this, he still hadn't said what he needed to say to Lex.

Clark pulled away from Lex and took a step back. "I still need to tell you something."

Lex looked at him in confusion and asked, "Are you telling me that you're not gay?"

Clark shook his head, "Oh no, I'm gay. So very, very gay, but that's not what I needed to tell you."

"Oh well then, whatever it is can't be that life altering," Lex said firmly.

"I'm an alien," Clark blurted out.

Lex blinked at him for several minutes. "Ok," he drawled out slowly. "So, should I be worried about extra tentacles, a mating imperative that forces us to bond which will suddenly develop into telepathy? Are you going to change into a woman that will have to get pregnant with my love child in order to turn back into a man? Hell, does that mean you'll be able to get pregnant?" Lex asked thoughtfully. "No matter, I'll still love you and support you. I'll suppress the urge to use you as a brood mare to make an army to take over the world. I'll also suppress the urge to throw your body on a table in my lab and perform all kinds of kinky tests," Lex said gently.

Clark looked thoughtful at that last comment. "Maybe we can discuss the kinky tests part later, but for now, I'm not wigging you out? You're not going to hate me for lying to you all these years which result in a huge fight where you will leave me and we won't see each other for years. Once we do we do, you'll be bitter and hateful and I'll be a weak whimpering fool who will do nothing but beg you for another chance?"

Lex looked at him thoughtfully and shook his head. "Nope, can't say that I will."

Clark smiled brightly and said excitedly, "Great, now that I've spilled my deep, dark secret, we can get to the declarations of love which will commence into sex, which will be loud enough for the neighbors to complain."

Lex gave Clark a sexy smile and said, "Ok, but afterwards we'll have to talk about your special powers, and how I already knew you were an alien, but I was waiting for you to trust me. Then we'll talk about the kinky tests that I plan on performing. Until then though, you need to pick me up in your manly arms and rush me to the bedroom where I will be turned on by your show of strength and I will beg you to fuck me."

Clark grinned and rushed over to Lex. He lifted his beloved into his arms and ran to the bedroom door. The door slammed shut and moans were heard for several minutes. There was a squawk then silence.

"Well damn, I guess I forgot to cover that bit about dual penises," Lex said.

Clark snickered, "All the more to love you with, my dear."

"Oh yea, stuff of legends indeed." With that said the moans started again and lasted throughout the night. The two men would together forever or at least until the next story.

THE END