Disclaimer: You already know that I don't own LotR or Fruit Loops, but I also need to say (at the risk of ruining everything for the reader) that I don't own anything having to do with Star Wars, "Another One Bites the Dust", or miniature snack foods. Moreover, I believe there has been some confusion on a completely unrelated issue, so I'll clear that up now. Ok, people, I do NOT own the rights to vacuum cleaners, so stop asking. I know, I know. I'm sad too.

Insane Outtakes of DOOM!

SCENE 1, TAKE 56:

"Do I get to finish my line this time?" Gandalf inquired, giving his souvenir magic eight ball a shake, "'So shall it be'… I'll take that as a yes. HUZAH! It's happy time again! ACH JA! Go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf, go Gandalf!"

"GET ON WITH IT!" The other eight companions demanded, growing rather tired of standing in the dark.

"Alright, alright…" The Old Wizard muttered, then cleared his throat. "Be on your guard, there are fouler thi-"

Once again, he was cut off. Only this time, instead of Boromir's bellyaching, it was by the sound of heavy breathing. Really loud heavy breathing. The kind that gets on your nerves really quickly, especially when you're on a cramped airplane, trying to read nice novel of some sort, and the guy next to you is having something like a perpetual asthma attack for nine hours straight, and then when you call the stewardess to-

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Right. Gandalf paused for a few seconds, cleared his throat again (which could in fact be interpreted as a threat, if you catch my drift), and the sound stopped.

"I SAID, there are foul-"

Again, the strange, almost mechanical, breathing started again.

"Aragorn! Knock it off, I'm trying to say something nifty and foreboding over here!" Gandalf roared in frustration.

"But I didn't do it!" The non-King type guy whined in return.

"Then who…?"

Out of nowhere, a large orchestra appeared, already plugging away at an ominous theme, as a glowing red beam shot up, and the fog machines kicked into over-drive. Striding purposefully into view, a man in a honking huge helmet and a flowing black cape stepped forward.

"Luke, I am your… wait, what are you people?" Darth Vader wheezed.

"Wrong movie, smart one," Pippin piped up sarcastically, adding a light sprinkling of irony to this casserole of skink and disaster.

"Sorry, I was drawn to the moldy cheese smell." The ex-Anakin apologized, powering down his laser thingy.

"It's ok; Boromir here will show you to the other side of the website." Soon to be ex-Grey Man replied, pushing everyone's favorite pin cushion towards the Sith person… machine… you get the picture.

"But I don't wanna!" The lad with the Horn of Gondor fumed.

"You die at the end of this movie, now do it!" Gandalf clocked him with his staff.

"Shut up…" Boromir sniffled, hobbling off into the black bar at the bottom of the screen.

Deciding that a shiny new version of the movie was needed, Peter Jackson swooped in on his magical broom stick, interrupting the carefully edited walking montage with the following scene.

"Wow, that's a really big hole," Pippin said, leaning over the edge of a seemingly bottomless, and clearly dangerous, mine shaft.

"That, my weed-smoking friend, is where Fruit Loops come from." Gimli informed him as the entire Fellowship slammed on the emergency brake and came to a grinding halt.

"Fruit Loops?" Frodo wondered out loud for the benefit of the readers, "You mean like the tasty crap that Bilbo gave me- I MEAN, THAT I AM CLEARLY NOT WEARING UNDER MY SHIRT."

"Why yes, Frodo, it's exactly like that." Gandalf replied in his clueless old-man way.

So there they all were, collectively ogling the fruity brightness, when there was a movement in the shadows. Suddenly, the Balrog scurried up on them, scooping up Pippin, and dashing to the other side of the set.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, somebody help me!" Pippin cried as he was carried away.

With that, the montage resumed… minus, of course, one kinda dumb Hobbit.

"Hey! I didn't get my head bashed in that time!" Boromir exclaimed as he jumped for glee.

"FICHUS'D!" A random voice-over bellowed at the very same moment that Gandalf re-animated one of the dead plants that had been stinking up the place, and heaved the rabid mass of chlorophyll at the Gondorian's face.

"It burns!" The feeble mortal screeched, running around and around in circles.

"Will somebody PLEASE call cut already?" Legolas slapped a hand to his forehead.

Granting the hapless fools mercy, but not before singing a rousing rendition of "Another One Bites the Dust", the crew re-set the scene, magically erasing all of the writers' hard work.

You don't remember anything…

"Curse you, Aqua Fresh!" Were the last words ever uttered (ha ha, the said utter!) by Gandalf the Grey. Unfortunately, they were drowned out by the sounds of the wild fiesta going on above him.

"Dude, we should have thought of that a long time ago!" Boromir laughed, high-fiving Aragorn and several assorted Orcs.

The remaining members of the Fellowship then partied late into the night, using Moria's little-known massive speaker system to blast funky dance music and the occasional power-ballad all the way back to Rivendell, reducing ever Elf left in Middle-earth to tears.

After three entire weeks of celebrating, the Fellowship drunkenly snuck over to Lothlorien with thirty-seven rolls of toilet paper and clichéd intentions. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is a story for another parody, and a new package of mini-muffins.