Okay I owe Sargent Snarky a massive apology for taking forever with this request. I really, really, really hope its worth the ridiculously long wait. You are simply awesome for being so patient. Thank you!

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, all of it's Square-Enix's aaaaand that's about it.

Tifa and Red deal with a certain trio of troublemakers...

All The Shorts:
Coffee Break

“Kinda late, isn't it?” Tifa said by way of a conversation starter before pausing quickly for a sip of coffee, “Having trouble sleeping?”

Red flipped the page of book with his nose. “No. Research.” He raised his good eye, twinkling with what passed for a smile. “You?”

“Pulled a nightshift. I'm on my break.”

“Ah.”

“Whatcha reading?”

“Researching legends.” Red winked. “My Grandfather taught me well.”

Tifa smiled over her the rim of her mug, fondly remembering Bugenhagen and that 'ho-ho-ho' laugh of his. “Anything in particular?”

“Just legends about the Keyblade. I must confess I'm a little obsessed.”

“Wouldn't wanna have you any other way Red.”

“Because I'm the only one willing to read my way through all of these ancient texts?”

“It is pretty useful,” Tifa admitted with a grin.

The pair lapsed into a comfortable silence, the hum of the ship the only noise beyond the turning of pages. Red made it through an entire chapter before he literally lifted his nose out of the book and yawned, revealing his massively sharp teeth. When he was quite done, Red deftly hooked one claw under the book's front cover and flipped it shut. “Now, it's not that I don't enjoy this lovely moment of quietude,” he said, “but did we leave Sora and Company elsewhere? Or has he lost his voice again and infected Zidane and Yuna simultaneously?”

Tifa's eyes shuffled from side to side before she admitted, “They're on lock-down.”

“This sounds like a story.”

“Eager, are you, for all the gossip?”

Red reflected his oft-ignored youth as he demanded, “Is it a good story?”

“We-e-e-ll...” Tifa paused for another sip of coffee.

Red rolled his eye. “Fine. Who started it? Who's cleaning it up? How much munny will it take for us to set it right?”

“Uh, Zidane, all three of them and more than any of us want to think about.”

“What did he do?”

“Well, to be honest, I suppose I can't put the blame solely on Zidane because Yuna's insistence on turning the kitchen into a battle-zone probably didn't help matters... Plus Sora doesn't know how to say no to the kid... Sometimes, I just want to sedate the three of them until we reach our destinations.”

“So, Zidane's to blame because he's the eldest?”

“Yes.”

“And what was the damage?”

“We're headed back to Hollow Bastion to get a new refrigeration unit. And more industrial strength cleaner. I dunno what Yuna was trying to bake but it wasn't coming off of the ceiling. I think we should be glad we never had to try and eat it. Probably would've killed some of us.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Yuna was attempting to mix baking and magic. Turns out even White Magic can cause explosions. So don't even go to the same deck as the kitchen. Seriously. Not pretty.” Tifa swigged her coffee before adding, “It's actually kinda deadly too.”

“Deadly?”

“Mm, melted ice plus damaged electrical cables is not a good combination. None of us are sure if Sora's hair will ever settle back down.”

“I'm sorry, are you telling me you considered his hair to be settled before?” Red smirked.

“He didn't have a brown...er... cloud around his head before.” Tifa tried to look sympathetic but her twitching lips gave her away. “I swear, it's given him an extra foot in height. He looks like a poodle!”

Red cocked his head to one side, imagining just for a moment what a cloud-headed Sora might look like. “I don't know if I should say 'poor kid' or demand photographic evidence.”

“Zidane got the photographic evidence so you're good.”

“I may dislike that thief most of the time, but he certainly has his uses.”

“Yeah well, he didn't get off lightly. His tail has definitelyseen better days. I don't think he appreciated Yuna using it as a mixer.”

“Ouch,” Red winced in sympathetic pain, his tail flicking. “I'm guessing the crew isn't exactly pleased about this turn of events.”

“They've locked our troublesome trio down in the pantry and they're not letting 'em out 'til we reach Hollow Bastion. I thinkthat'll keep them out of trouble.”

Red did the equivalent of what passed for an eyebrow raise with his species. “Why do I doubt that?”

“I know, I do too,” Tifa sighed. She raised her PHS, shook it for emphasis before placing it on the table. “I'm waiting for a call to tell me... I don't know... There's a flood of condiments rising up from the deck below.”

Red let out a dispirited howl. “Don't tempt the fates!”

Tifa clapped her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. “Ack, sorry! Um... in fact, I think everything will be absolutely perfect and we'll have a quiet night playing chess!”

The PHS vibrated, sending it jerking across the table. Tifa went bug-eyed with shock. Red huffed. “It's already too late.”

Tifa hesitated, her hand hovering over the now ringing PHS. She stared at it as though it was a harbinger of untold doom. The ringing grew louder and more insistent, demanding to be answered.

“Stop delaying the inevitable and just find out what they did this time,” Red said, one paw drumming on his closed book. “Answer the call.”

With a visible gulp, Tifa grabbed the PHS and flipped it open. “Yes?”

Under other circumstances, the look on Tifa's face may have been comical. But the subtle shift from pale shock to darkening rage was, for Red at least, bordering on terrifying. A few minutes later, when her phone snapped shut, Red unconsciously backed up a little (hard to do when he was in a human-shaped chair but he still tried).

“I'm going to kill them all.” She turned and headed out of the small study. “I'm actually going to kill them.”

Red opened his mouth to respond but was distracted instead by a sudden dimming of the lights. The engines made a loud winding down noise that suggested only one thing: they were all offline. Tifa responded with what could only be called a growl, earning a shocked look from Red.

“What did they do?”

“Tried escaping and wound up knocking out all the engines We're floating here in space, totally stuck for at least twenty-four hours. So I'm gonna pass the time by killing them.”

“Ah,” Red observed, his tone one of utter calm. “That is quite serious.”

“Ooh, serious doesn't even begin to describe the trouble those three are in...”

Red had to sprint to keep up with Tifa, her two-legged as rapid as the punishments she was listing. They went down to the engine room where three food-splattered kids, guarded by two very unamused engineers, looked utterly sheepish. Well, two looked sheepish (although Sora's expression was kinda hard to read under that voluminous hair of his). Zidane however...

“Tifa! Hi. Weird day huh? Guess maybe we flew the hell out of the ship and now it just wants a rest. Ships eh? Moodier than...”

“Utter one more word Zidane Tribal and I promise you you're going to find yourself eating your tail.”

The blond had the presence of mind to look shocked. “Oh. Wow. Okay... Um...”

Tifa took one step forward.

“Wait whoa hey those were hardly words and oh no wait yeah I'm talking but I suck at not talking and...” Zidane's eyes went wide. “Oh by the gods and goddesses Tifa please don't kill me.”

“Which one of you three geniuses did this?”

They all pointed at each other, then began arguing how it totally wasn't their fault but 'it's your fault and you know it's your fault to stop trying to blame me for what you did!'

“Silence!” Tifa roared.

Red sat on his haunches, watching the three shrink away in amusement. This was proving to be quite the show.

“Here's the deal you three. The rest of the crew has tolerated your little games because until now they didn't lead to this or the destruction of our food stocks...”

“I'm sorry Tifa!” Yuna wailed, eyes wide and teary. “I didn't mean to! I was just trying to see if Curaga would make everything taste better and...”

“Yuna, sweetie. I like you. Please stop talking. Don't make me angrier because it would be scary.”

“I'm already kinda scared,” Yuna admitted, her voice trembling.

“I'm sure you are, and I'll get scarier if you don't do exactly what I tell you.”

“Anything you say ma'am!” Sora said from somewhere beneath his hair.

“You are going to return to your rooms and you will not leave your rooms without my permission. Even if you need the bathroom, you will need my permission. You are not to talk to anyone until we get to Hollow Bastion, at which point I will give the three of you overalls and you are going to scrub this ship from top to bottom. If you do anything at all between now and then, you will be cleaning the ship with toothbrushes. Am I clear?”

Sora and Yuna answered with nods. Zidane opened his mouth to speak but Tifa only needed to crack her knuckles to stop all and any attempts.

Tifa and Red took the trio back to their cabins. Tifa just about resisted the urge to lock them all in, hoping that her little speech had shocked them out of any further attempts at stupidity until they got to Hollow Bastion... better still, shocked them so that they never acted out again so long as any of them lived.

They dropped off Sora first, the kid's attempts at smoothing his hair down utterly futile. It was almost punishment enough to leave him just with the hair, but Tifa was on a mission tonight. Had it just been the kitchen they'd messed up, it would've been one thing. But to damage the ship's engines? That heralded new punishments.

Zidane disappeared into his room with a quiet yet sincere apology. Yuna, in the way of upset children across all of time and space, burst into tears and unleashed a torrential downpour of an apology.

“I'm really, really, really sorry Tifa!” Yuna wept. “Please don't be mad! It was just supposed to be fun and then we just wanted to get out of the pantry so we used the vents but we fell into the engine room instead and then all of a sudden there was lots of sparking and people came running and it was an accident!”

“Honey, I'll stop being mad once you guys have cleaned up your mess and made this ship sparkly clean.”

“I will clean it up! I promise I will. I'm sorry!”

Tifa couldn't resist the little girl's blatant remorse so she ruffled Yuna's hair. “I know you're sorry. You just need to learn that sometimes fun and games have larger consequences.”

The girl gave a dramatic sniffle. “Okay.”

Tifa gave Yuna a gentle nudge and she shuffled into her cabin, the door sliding shut behind her. Red looked up at Tifa, trying to decide if he should grin or go for deadly serious. Either way, he didn't utter a single word until they were safely in the elevator, heading back up to the study where they had been before.

“Satisfied?” he inquired.

“Just about. I kinda wanna make 'em clean up with toothbrushes anyway.”

“Oh?”

“Remember the hypothetical flood of condiments I tempted fate with?”

“Yes...?”

Tifa closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.“It's not so hypothetical any more.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.” The elevator gave a beep, signalling its return to the top deck. “There's gallons of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard and assorted salad dressings turning the kitchen into a swimming pool right about now.”

“I say bring on the toothbrushes.”

“Luckily for them, I'm a woman of mercy.”

“Unless they break out again.”

Tifa smirked. “Red, you know me well.”

“Honestly Tifa, I often forget that beneath that friendly exterior lies a harsh, harsh woman.” Red gave a sharp bark of laughter. “I'll never forget that night in Rocket Town...”

“Oh, you mean when Cid, Barrett and Cloud got drunk.” Tifa smiled at the memory. “Yeah, they paid for that little mishap.”

“Drunk? Isn't there a stronger term? I believe it may be 'hammered' although I'm under the impression that people have numerous ways of describing how insanely intoxicated the three of them were that night.”

“And you know how much it takes to get Cloud drunk. All that Mako to suck it up...”

“I remember well. What was it you made them do again?”

“Aside from clean up and restock the bar?”

“Yes, aside from that.”

“They had to clean up all the streets they went down and...”

“Please, don't bring up those memories. I've repressed them all I can.”

“Sorry. Well, there was that. Then we all just generally tortured them while they wallowed in their hangovers.”

“You must admit, they were nasty hangovers.”

“And all self-inflicted. Red, I did run a bar back in the day, remember? I have no sympathy for people who drink past their limits.”

“I suppose we should be grateful that Sora hasn't had any run-ins with the demon drink.”

“Red! We discussed the whole not-tempting-fate issue!”

“Oh. Of course. Um... oops?”

The End

Again, my deepest apologies for taking forever with this.

And my apologies for not updating A Darker Road. Hopefully I'll rediscover the stride I had with that story once I've graduated. I certainly hope so!

Thanks everyone for being such lovely patient readers!

Ginger Ninja