|For the love of God, don't read this!
Author: Dylan S. Thompson PM
I'm not kidding. You'll wish you hadn't. Chapter 4: Is Snape Evil? Find out inside!Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Parody - Hermione G. & Ron W. - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,823 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 03-21-07 - Published: 06-24-05 - id: 2452674
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Yeah…I got nothin'
The Next Great Threat to Wizard-Kind
All the original members of the DA were sitting in a circle in the Room of Requirement, discussing really really important events that had to do with Defending things from Dark Arts.
"…And that's when I said to her, I said 'Gran, what the fuck is Uncle Algie's hand doing up your ass?"
Actually, they were just drunk as shit.
And shit…in case you didn't know…is really fucking drunk most of the time.
Harry tried to call the meeting to order by banging his gavel, but discarded this venture when he realized that he didn't know what the hell a gavel was.
Instead, he just shouted. "Oi! Fuckers! Time to listen to me!"
No one listened to him.
Because he was a prat, and he tended to yell a lot.
He was gonna yell for attention again, but at that very moment he noticed that Ginny was kneeling between his legs, unzipping his robes.
Which was quite a powerful bit of magic, seeing as robes don't have zippers.
But I digress.
Fast forward a couple minutes, after the blowjob. Yeah, Harry's a bit of a fast draw. Ron, though, Ron can last till wood turns to butter.
Yeah, you heard me. Fucking bitches.
Blowjobs are done-done (for the most part). Hermione's still chugging away at Ron, but she's listening in to what Harry's saying. She's a hell of a multi-tasker.
"Alright, alright: Lets stop drinking and fucking for a couple of minutes and discuss what we're going to do now that Voldemort's out of the picture."
"I still can't believe how easy that was," interrupted Neville, snorting his tenth line of meth.
"Yeah," put in Parvati, "who'da thunk that all his babble about purity and his whole…you know…killing people thing was actually just covering his all encompassing need to be dominated by Professor Snape?"
"Total surprise", "Straight outta left field", and "Would you just shut up? No one likes you!" were just a few of the half-hearted responses Parvati received from the group, who mostly wished she would just shut up. Because they didn't like her.
She was stupid.
But not slutty.
Which is a boring combination.
Anyway, Lavendar took this moment to say, sagely, "They're a good couple, though."
A chorus of not-half-hearted "yeah"s answered him(and a muffled "yrgh" from Hermione), because she was a lot more well liked than Parvati. Mostly because she fucked around.
The message here, to any young girls out there, is that the only way to make friends is to offer up your body to boys. You'll be a frigid Ice Queen otherwise, and no one will like you.
Anywayz, back to the point of this…well, no one would really call this a story, would they?
Luna dreamily said, at this point, "Maybe we should listen to what Harry Potter has to say?"
The rest of the DA threw glares at her, filled with as much hatred as they could muster.
Luna scratched her ass.
How the fuck do you throw a glare?
Blah Blah Blah, lots of funny stuff, lets just skip to the end:
The entire DA turned their attention to Harry, ready to listen. Ready to soak up the wisdom of Harry James Potter. Ready to pretend that they didn't know he was gay and got reamed up the ass every night by Hagrid and Buckbeak. Ready to continue on the charade of pretending that they're wizards, when really they know that they're just Jedi. Ready to deny all accusations that they're just Lord of the Rings rip-offs. Really, fucking…Neville Longbottom. Come on! I mean…Come on! What else do you need, fucking Frodo and Sam to show up at Hogwarts and suck each other off?
Gah…let me try that one again, because I had a really nice money shot:
The entire DA turned their attention to Harry, ready to listen. Ready to soak up the wisdom of Harry James Potter. Ready to pretend that they didn't know he was gay and got reamed up the ass every night by Hagrid and Buckbeak. Ready, for once in their short, pathetic lives, to show the boy some respect.
Only to find that he'd passed out, drunk, and shit himself.
It was really embarrassing.
"Er…" said Ron, leaning over to pick up Harry's clip board and notes. "I'll just read what he said."
Ron's eyes scanned the page, then flicked back to the unconscious boy, then back to the page. Then he muttered, "Crazy fucking bastard" to himself, and cleared his throat.
"Ok, his notes start off a bit jumbled, probably because he wrote them with about eight sheets of acid coursing through his veins. It says something about winning rabbits, then it seems to peter off into ramblings about different sorts of grass. No, not weed. Real grass."
Ron peers at the words, and says, "Harry wanted to announce that Kentucky Bluegrass is better than Crab Grass because it's…sexier."
"Er…that's as good a reason as any, I guess," offered Cho Chang, diplomatically.
"Shut up, you diseased cow!" screamed Io, from the Greek Myth.
She just showed up one meeting, and no one had the heart to make her leave.
"Yeah, anyway," called out Ron, "the next bit seems to be in Mandarin Chinese, so I can't make heads or tails of it. Finally, though, towards the end, after the rant about glass blowing, we get to the point of this whole fucking thing: Harry Potter has discovered the next big threat to the wizarding world!"
Ron looked up expectantly, expecting shock, outrage, and fear: all expressed through loud gasps.
Mostly, though, the rest of the DA had taken so many drugs that they had the cognitive skills of a particularly stupid strain of Chlamydia. Feeling her man's disappointment through some strange blowjob magic, Hermione disengaged herself from Ron's cock and let out a quick gasp before returning to work.
Heartened, Ron returned his attention to Harry's notes. "According to Harry, the next big threat to wizards is…fanfiction and fanfiction authors!"
DUN DUN DUN!
"What the fuck's he talking about?" demanded Seamus, who really dug inter-species sex. By the by.
"No fucking clue," admitted Ron, shrugging, and letting the paper fall to the ground. "He has a whole long explanation scribbled on here, but it looks like it got smudged beyond recognition when he pissed himself earlier. Alls I can make out it this: 'For the love of everything that his holy, Severus Snape is not sexy!'"
"Not a big fucking surprise there," said Angelina. Nope, no random or vulgar remark following that one. I'm playin' it straight.
Once again, all eyes were on Harry, but this time most of them were wondering what the hell they were going to do with him. Well…the eyes weren't wondering that. The brain that the eyes were connected to were wondering that. Anywayz, just hold tight, this nightmare is almost over.
There was a short silence as they regarded their soiled 'leader'. Then, speaking for the first time during the meeting, that annoying guy from the fifth book whose name I can't remember. You know, the guy who was all stroppy when the DA first started? Anywayz, he said, "I think Harry needs to lay off the drugs."
The rest of the order finally had an excuse to beat the little bastard to death. And Harry started bleeding from the ears. But…no one really cared.
And Hermione is still giving Ron a blowjob to this very day.
(THANK THE FUCK CHRIST!)