Author: mumyou nanashi PM
“The madman is not the man who has lost his reason. The madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason.” [darkfic, athrun centered, AC]Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst/Tragedy - Athrun Z. & Cagalli Y. A. - Words: 3,379 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 7 - Published: 06-25-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2454279
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Woot! I'm on a roll! Two fics in a day... Heh. Well, that's what happens when you've only got three goddamn subjects for the whole bloody semester! (grumbles)
(sigh) I have no life...
WARNING: Slight violence and an insane character.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED. If I did, Athrun and Cagalli would be married by now with a dozen or so kids.
White. He was surrounded by white. The walls of his room were white, his clothes were white, the attendants' clothes were also white. There was no color in that place, only white. It annoyed him slightly. He briefly pondered the reason behind this particular phenomenon.
After several minutes, he began to feel bored... assuming that he wasn't already bored in the first place. There was nothing to do in the room, so he spent his countless hours thinking why he was in that room in the first place.
As irritated as he was at the moment, he didn't dare demand an answer from one of the attendants. Last time he did, he was injected with substances that made him feel woozy and a lot like a vegetable. So he showed his best behavior and kept quiet.
He was slumped on the floor, his back leaning on the wall. He couldn't move properly because of the weird sweater that they forced on him. But again, he didn't voice out his protests. He looked at his bed on the other side of the room; it felt uncomfortable as it looked, so he usually preferred the floor.
The door swung open and he looked up, silent curiosity written all over his face as a thick-set man (also clad in white) entered the room. "Stand up," the man commanded gruffly.
He nodded and complied with the man's order. He stood up rather awkwardly, as he had no use of both of his arms. The man held tightly to one of his shoulders and steered him out of the room.
He looked around the hallways and noted with slight annoyance that it was also white. He stared at the door in front of his room. His eyes hardened and he smirked.
The man noticed this and growled at him. "What's that weird smile for?"
He shook his head and said nothing. That room was empty. There was nothing inside. So he didn't lie when he implied that he was smiling at nothing. He hated lying.
The man pushed him gently. "Get moving," he ordered.
He wondered where he was being taken. Then his face lit up with a smile. Maybe it was one of those times again, where they would let him talk to the brown-haired man and the pink-haired lady. He smiled at the thought. Those two were the only ones he could remember who was nice to him... along with her.
He didn't recall ever meeting her in that white place. But he knew that he knew her. And that she was with the two very nice people. His green eyes twinkled at the thought. Maybe she would be here this time!
He quickened his pace. The only thing that kept him from running was the thick-set man's hand on his shoulder. "Excited, are we?" the man grunted.
He nodded slightly and his smile became wider when he saw the room up ahead. The room where they let him talk to the two.
The man opened the door and led him inside. There, sitting on the chair, were two of his most favorite people in the world. He beamed at them. He didn't know what made him happier, seeing those two or seeing colors other than white.
The man led him to seat on the chair in front of the two. After making sure that his bindings were tight, the man walked towards the door.
But before the thick-set man exited the room, he turned to the brown-haired young man. "Press the button if ever something goes wrong, Mr. Yamato."
The brown-haired young man nodded silently. The door closed gently and he returned his gaze to the two sitting in front of him. "How have you been doing, Kira? Lacus?"
Lacus smiled. "We're doing quite all right." She turned to the brown-haired man sitting beside her, "Aren't we, Kira?"
"Yes," Kira affirmed quietly.
He surveyed every corner of the room as if looking for something. Well, actually, he was looking for someone. He felt his eyebrows furrow in disappointment. "She's not here."
He vaguely noticed Lacus' own eyebrows furrow, not in disappointment, but in confusion. She turned to look at an equally puzzled Kira. "She...?"
"Cagalli," he said simply.
"C-cagalli?" Lacus echoed hollowly. He saw her clutch Kira's hand and the latter squeezed it.
He turned worriedly at Kira. "Is she mad at me? Why won't she see me? Ever since I came to this place, she won't see me or even talk to me anymore."
"Cagalli won't see you anymore because..." Kira trailed off, not meeting his eyes. Lacus seemed to be on the verge of tears.
He didn't want to see Lacus cry but he wanted Kira to continue whatever it was that he was saying. So he ignored Lacus and waited patiently for Kira's next words. Kira seemed about to cry too. Did he say something wrong? Was it his fault?
"- because... Don't you remember?" Kira whispered. Lacus stood up rather shakily and wordlessly ran out of the room. Oh well, maybe she needed to use the bathroom.
He turned to Kira after Lacus disappeared from behind the doorway. "Remember what?"
Kira stared at him, as if in shock. "You don't remember," he said shakily.
"Huh?" he asked, puzzled. He tilted his chin, as if deep in thought. Then he saw flashes. Gunshots... blood... a knife... a cry in the night... insane green eyes glaring at him from the blade of the knife... his bloodied hands on top of hers...
His eyes widened at the realization.
Then his face broke into a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry... Silly me! How could I forget? Cagalli won't visit me anymore because she's dead..."
Kira's head shot up and regarded him with unreadable eyes. He returned the gaze equally.
"Because I killed her," he stated matter-of-factly, still with that amiable smile on his lips.
His eyes then opened wide and glazed over, an insane look etched on those green orbs. "Right, Kira?"
Kira stared at his friend in shock. He fought the urge to push the 'call' button located underneath the table. He needed to help Athrun. Seeing his friend in this state made him feel more helpless than before.
He needed to make Athrun snap out of it.
Athrun was still sitting calmly, but Kira was anticipating what might happen next. Athrun might suddenly go amok and lunge at him, or he could pound his head on the table, or slam himself on the wall. It's all happened before, during Athrun's four-month stay in the private asylum. And it wasn't a pretty sight.
Their visits were only limited to once a month because of the results of their first one. Athrun wasn't wearing a straight-jacket at that time and when he became aggravated, he violently lashed out at them. They had to subdue Athrun with powerful sedatives. The psychiatrists warned him to be more mindful of their conversations from then on. He wasn't able to visit last month because a patient was found brutally murdered.
A place full of mentally-unstable patients was bad. A place full of mentally-unstable patients with an insane killer on the loose was worse. The hospital had to take precautionary measures; thus, the temporary cancellation of visitation rights.
And now, he was back. Trying to talk some sense into Athrun. Some of the doctors told him it was hopeless, but he had to try. Athrun was here because he couldn't accept Cagalli's death. They put him here because they were desperate.
It started with little things. Unnoticeable signs. They were caught up in their own grief to bother. They didn't even realize that Athrun was hurting the most. He was there when she died. He was the one who relieved her from her pain.
"What's the matter, Kira?" Athrun asked all of a sudden, catching him off guard. His eyes were hidden by his hair, but he sounded, well, normal, for a while there. "So, Cagalli is angry, huh? Because I killed her?"
But then again, he seemed quite normal most of the time. Most insane people did.
"I was just wondering, Kira," Athrun continued with polite curiosity in his voice. "Why am I here again?"
"Kira, look at this," Athrun said excitedly, gesturing to the open door of his room. It was the first time that he'd seen Athrun so worked-up ever since the incident three days ago.
"What is it, Athrun?" Kira asked, a little irritated. It hurt to see someone who reminded him of his sister. Even if that someone was his best friend.
"I'm planning to give Cagalli a bouquet of white roses when she comes back," Athrun told him conspiratorially.
'What the hell's the matter with him?' Kira wondered in annoyance. "Athrun, Cagalli's never coming back," he told him flatly.
"YOU KILLED HER!"
Kira bolted out of bed. Athrun was screaming at somebody. Perhaps there was an intruder. He went out of the room and he saw that Lacus was awake as well; he motioned for her to keep quiet and to stay behind him.
They quietly rushed to Athrun's room. The door was slightly ajar and from their position, they could see Athrun fuming at someone. But they couldn't see who that someone was. When he saw Athrun's bloody hands, he immediately entered the room to see who the intruder was.
What he saw made him stop.
Athrun was arguing with a mirror.
There were more signs, which they ignored at first. Maybe it was his way of dealing with his grief.
But one night, about a month after Cagalli's burial, they witnessed the most telling sign of all.
Athrun went missing. At first they thought that he just went outside for some fresh air. But when he didn't return by midnight, Lacus insisted that they go look for him.
They went to many places. Athrun was not there. They went to the cemetery last. Lacus gripped his hand hard. His eyes widened in shock.
The tomb was obviously broken into. He motioned for Lacus to stay put. Lacus wordlessly complied. He took a deep breath and approached it cautiously. The smell of death was in the air. He could feel anger building up inside him. But at the same time, fear.
It was as if he could sense that Athrun had something to do with it. He looked behind a statue of an angel and his hand flew to his mouth.
He was right.
Athrun was there, holding a hand.
He looked up and stared at him. He actually looked annoyed at being caught. After glaring at Kira, Athrun ignored him completely as he talked to the dead body.
Kira stared in shock at the gory scene in front of him. He couldn't move. He couldn't say anything. He couldn't do anything but watch.
Watch as Athrun talked, as if it was completely normal to talk to decaying corpses at one o'clock in the morning.
Watch as Athrun lovingly held the hand and played with the ring on its finger.
Watch as Athrun brought the hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly.
He couldn't do anything.
Watch in horror as his best friend went insane.
"Okay, Kira. You don't have to answer that question. But it's true, what I said... I killed her."
He watched as Kira's face went pale. He was beginning to get irked. It was true, that he killed Cagalli. Why was Kira acting like it was not? That he was lying? He never lied. His mother taught him not to. His father too.
And he had the scar to prove it.
His father shot him because he wouldn't tell the truth. So he kept it in his mind, that lying was wrong.
Kira thought he was lying. Well, he just had to prove that he was indeed telling the truth. "I killed Cagalli, Kira," he repeated.
Kira just stared warily at him, his hands shaking on his lap. From nervousness or anger, he couldn't tell. But he could care less. He felt his eyebrows twitch. "You're not listening, Kira," he hissed dangerously.
Kira took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I-I'm listening, A-Athrun."
"Good," he chirped, the smile back on his face. "Now, Kira, let me refresh your memory.
"Remember that night, Kira? I'll make it short. Some Blue Cosmos bastards were chasing after us. They rained gunfire on us. I dodged. Cagalli didn't. Silly, girl. I killed all the terrorists. Job well done. But Cagalli's wound was worse than I thought. The bullet was coated in some kind of poison. One look at it, and I knew it was 'goodbye, Cagalli,'" he told Kira in a conversational tone.
"She told me that she couldn't take the pain anymore. She was crying," he explained, his voice getting soft. "I tried to tell her that I wouldn't do it. But she wouldn't listen. She begged and pleaded. She was very much in pain. She was given a choice: die a slow, agonizing, painful death, or a short, quick, painless one. She chose the easy way out."
He paused and then he chuckled. "So I took out my knife and stabbed her. It wasn't a pretty sight, mind you. Blood was spurting everywhere..."
Kira was still staring at him, horror clearly written in those lavender eyes. Kira was getting queasy already? But he hadn't gotten to the fun part yet! He had one more story to tell. Kira was his best friend, right? He had a right to know.
Not like those stupid doctors who pretended to be his friend, when all they ever wanted was to inject their medicines into his bloodstream.
"And you know what else, Kira? Remember the blonde girl at the room across from mine? Her hair looked just like Cagalli's, right?"
He waited for Kira's nod of recognition. His face lit up as Kira slowly nodded his head. So he remembered! Good.
"I didn't like how she looked at me. She was yelling and cursing, every now and then. She was very rude," he recalled. Now was the fun part. "So, you know what I did?" He leaned forward and let his voice drop to a whisper.
"I killed her, too."
It was hopeless.
He killed someone. He killed someone in cold blood, without any morose guilt on his eyes! Was this the consequence of what he did? But they never blamed him! They all knew it was... an accident...
He made up his mind. "I'm sorry, Athrun," he apologized, his voice cracking with emotion. Athrun gave him a questioning stare.
His hands moved to the button underneath the table and pressed it. The door quickly opened and this time, four thick-set men rushed inside and grabbed Athrun.
Horrified recognition flashed through those green eyes. "You - ! I thought you were my friend! Stop! Let go!"
Athrun glared accusingly at him. Betrayal was clearly etched in his face. He trashed and violently tried to wriggle free from the four men. He was strong; the attendants were having a hard time subduing him.
"Let me go! Do you know what they'll do to me! I trusted you, Kira!"
Kira knew what would happen next if Athrun didn't cease his struggling. But he couldn't do anything. That wasn't his friend anymore.
"I don't want to go back in that white room! I want to see Cagalli! I want to be with her!"
That wasn't Athrun.
"Kira! Are you listening? I promise I won't do it again! Just let me see her again, please! She told me to do it! I didn't want to! SO WHY THE HELL WON'T SHE SEE ME ANYMORE! Kira!"
If he couldn't accept that fact, he'd be in that straight-jacket next week.
"WHY CAN'T I SEE HER ANYMORE!"
The guards forcibly pressed Athrun to the table and injected him with the sedative. Several minutes passed and Athrun's eyes glazed over.
He watched as the guards supported the blue-haired, green-eyed boy's limp form out of the visitation room.
"I... thought you... were... my friend... and that... you'd... understand..."
No, he did understand. He understood completely that that person wasn't his friend anymore... It was just an empty shell of what was once his best friend.
Because for Kira Yamato, Athrun Zala was dead.
White. Everything was white. But soon... it won't be anymore. So, his so-called friends also left him. They couldn't understand him. They'll soon get what's coming to them.
His head was pounding but he didn't care. The sedatives that they used on him had this kind of aftereffect. He ignored it as best he could. It would go away soon.
Everything would all go away eventually.
They always did.
He twisted and manipulated his arms and hands, and soon he was free from his bindings. He wasn't ZAFT's ace for nothing. They didn't know he could do that. If they did, they'd have put him in a more secured room.
He could've escaped easily if he wanted to. But he stuck around to see what would happen. They underestimated him. That's how he managed to kill the blonde girl in the room in front of his.
But now, he had a much important goal in mind. He was finally going to get his revenge. He was finally going to kill her killer.
He returned to his room a few minutes later, this time with a knife on his hands. He sat down on his corner and slowly took it out.
He held it at eye-level and through the shiny steel; he could see manic green eyes staring back at him.
The same eyes that looked at him as he stabbed her. "You'll finally get what's coming to you," he whispered eerily.
He then pointed the tip on his chest and plunged it in. Dark, crimson blood spurted from the open wound, and as he fell, he noted with morbid fascination that the floor and walls were no longer white.
All he could see was red.
That accursed place did not deserve being coated in white. White meant purity. Something that the place was not. Something he was not.
He must have missed his target if he was still alive… Oh, well. He'll just wait for it. He waited patiently for darkness to come. He was always patient. Surprisingly, he didn't feel any pain.
He lay there and after a few moments, closed his emerald eyes tiredly.
Athrun Zala was dead.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd most probably get flambé-d for the crappy ending and for the even crappier idea... Although I did this fic for (ironically) my own peace of mind, it wouldn't hurt to know what you think.
BUT as much as I like knowing what you think, please don't diss my story just because it wasn't your cup of tea. Let me remind you that:
"IGNORANCE IS BLISS."
ALTERNATIVE TITLES: 'Insanity'; 'Crimson'; 'Into the Mind of an Insane Athrun'
The last one, if it was pushed through, would most probably have been a humor fic.