|Once I was Mighty
Author: dustytiger PM
this is a stand alone fic from kim's point of view, dealing with jimmy taking custody of joey, as well as bobby's death, it's a songfic but try to look past that and pls r&rRated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst - Kim Z. - Words: 3,859 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 06-29-05 - id: 2460599
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
TITLE: Once I was
AUTHOR: Trista Groulx (dustytiger)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own, Kim, Bobby, Jimmy, Joey, nor the idea for Third Watch, that all belongs to NBC, Edward Allen Bernero and John Wells , and of course the actors and actress who portray the above mentioned characters, I'm not making money I will return Kim unharmed, and Bobby will be returned to wherever he went, and the others were only mentioned and certainly not hurt by me, no money is being made so don't sue
Also, the song used in this fic, and the title, "Once I was mighty" is not mine, it is by an immensely talented Canadian solo artist named, Martina Sorbara, the song belongs to her, her label, Maple Music (where you get her album), and most probably also to SOCAN, I'm not making any money using this song, but I hope that someone may run out and get Martina's CD as a result, again don't sue it's done out of admiration, and respect!
RATING: PG, or K+ no bad language, deals with death though not graphic
SPOILERS: anything up to season 3's "transformed" to be safe, only a very select few eps
CONTENT: songfic, Kim's POV, drama, angst, Kim/Bobby
SUMMARY: With Joey no longer living at home, Bobby still gone, and Jimmy being a bum, Kim is at home, and feeling down, when she hears a song that changes her day, and maybe her life
AUTHOR'S NOTES: all right this was a little plot bunny who just burrowed my brain till I allowed him free, this is a one parter, and yes, a songfic, please don't judge before you give it a chance, please? It's just a sappy little ficlet, which will have no sequels, prequels or otherquels, pls read, and review if you enjoy
Note to my regular readers: a friend in need, and elementary chaos theory are not even close to on the back burning, I just needed to get this one out before I could go full steam on those, silly muse
DEDICATION: to all those I have love and lost, bout literally and figuratively, I know those who are gone are with me in spirit, and those are just lost will always be in my heart, even if I pretend it is stone cold
Bah, enough sap, on with the fic!
I looked around my apartment, it was so quiet, and so lonely without my son there. I could sill hardly believe that Jimmy had gotten custody of Joey. But as I walked through the apartment there were reminders of that happening all around me.
All of Joey's favourite toys were now at Jimmy's. Sure, Joey's room was still there, for when he came for a visit. But it just wasn't the same. It didn't look like my little boy lived in it anymore. It looked more like a magazine spread.
His bed was perfectly made. His toys were all away, and everything looked perfect. No child lived in a room like that, certainly not my son. There was always something out of place in his room when he was in it every day.
I couldn't stand being in my apartment anymore. Once it was the only place I felt safe. It had been where I had sought sanctuary so many times. All my favourite memories had happened there, but even those seemed to hurt sometimes.
Now my home seemed almost foreign to me. It was not my home anymore, I twas where I laid my head. I had just woken up, and I didn't have to work that day. I knew it was going to be a long lonely day.
I didn't have anyone to call even, to just talk to, since Bobby had died. Jimmy was working, and I was surprised he hadn't told Lieu to transfer me or he'd quit.
Even for Jimmy and I we were not getting along, and it was really hurting me. Everything of late had been like daggers. Nothing had been the same since Bobby had died, and no one seemed to understand my pain. Or maybe I was just to stubborn to see any who might be offering me help and seeing it as charity.
I was still depressed, very depressed, I probably should have seen a doctor, but I wasn't about to swallow my pride. That was about all I had left. At least on days where I worked I could pretend that everything was all right again.
Then the day would end. I would go back to my apartment, and I'd start to feel the sadness seep into me. I had never felt like that before, but I still believed that I could fight it alone.
I had made myself a cup of coffee, hoping it would at the very least wake me. It wasn't helping. I was still in my pajamas, a nice pair of dark red silk ones my mother had bought me for Christmas. I planned to stay in them all day, I just didn't care anymore.
I could tell just by looking out the window that it was a nice day. I decided to go outside and drink my coffee. My apartment had a rather small backyard, it was shared, but no one really used it.
I took my coffee I went outside. Sure enough it was a beautiful day out, sunny and breezy, the best kinds of days. Where it was warm, but not too warm, there were not enough days like that. If there were more days like that I'd be a lot happier a lot sooner.
I stood outside, and took a sip of my coffee, and then I heard some music coming from a neighbour's open window. A song was just ending, and for some reason I perked my ears up to listen to the soft sounds the air carried my way.
It was actually soft music, and I was surprised. Most of the time all you heard in the nieghbourhood was too loud rap music. The new song started, and I listened to it. The intro was quiet nice, mostly just the soft sound piano.
It was not long before a very piercing, but soothing female voice began to sing. The lyrics were a little hard to understand, as the singer had a rather high pitched. But I had always been good at picking up lyrics.
As I listened to the lyrics, I thought them a bit odd. But the background music was too beautiful to disregard.
"When I strip for my window, The audience is always easy, And when I kiss my pillow, At least I know what he sees in me," the song began.
What a strange start to a song, I thought to myself. I couldn't be sure but it got a little louder after that. I also felt the breeze pick up a little bit.
"I could be seductive, But I'm just not seductive, I'm not the mystery, That you made of me"
I listened to the lyrics, and processed them, and suddenly I felt like I could relate to them. That was how I had started to feel about myself, especially with Bobby gone, and Jimmy not looking my away anymore.
What an odd song, I wondered who sang it, and what it was called. I also wondered where it might be coming from. I looked up for open windows but there were many, so I couldn't be sure. Was it even real, I wondered.
"So I've boarded up the windows of my palace. So I've grown accustomed to rose coloured glasses"
I began to cry when I heard those words, they just hit home for me. They were so beautiful, and reminded me so much of myself.
I had boarded myself up, since Bobby had died, and was telling everyone that I was fine, when I was falling apart inside. It wasn't until I lost him that I realized how much I loved Bobby.
I had been too blind futilely chasing Jimmy to let myself believe that someone like Bobby could love me. To believe that anyone could really love me for me. Now it was too late I had lost my chance. Bobby was gone, and I felt like I could never forgive Jimmy for taking my son away.
Joey was all I had left in the world, and Jimmy took him away from him, just when I needed him the most. How could I forgive Jimmy for that? Even though I hated to admit it, I had tried to kill myself.
Before I went back to work Joey was the only thing keeping me from finishing the job.
"I called all the local papers, Saying look what he did to me, Look what he said to me, Don't take this guy seriously"
I couldn't believe how much those lines reminded me of Jimmy. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen how horrible he had been to me. I wanted to tell them all about the ways he had hurt me. He had hurt me so much in the past, and he just seemed to keep doing it.
I told anyone who would listen the story, about everything from Melissa, to taking Joey from me. I still found it hard to believe that a man I had once loved, and had claimed to have loved me was capable of hurting me so much.
He took my son away from me! Who does that? Certainly not someone who had a feeling heart beating in his chest! But still a part of me cared, and wanted him to be there for me, and to understand what I was going though. So that he might give me our son back.
"Still I find myself on my knees, Repenting relentlessly, For what he didn't find in me, For what I didn't turn out to be"
I wanted to fall to my knees as I heard that. I had always begged for Jimmy's forgiveness, although it should have been the other way around. Jimmy should have been begging me to take him back.
I should not have gone running to him all those times. I couldn't believe how much the song spoke to me. It was so beautiful, and in some way this song written by someone who didn't know me seemed to be singing the story of my life with Jimmy.
I knew, logically that I was not to blame for everything he had done, but still I went to him seeking his approval on just about everything. I had even done it with Bobby, before he died.
Bobby had told me maybe what I had with Jimmy was just my kind of love. It wasn't, it was just what I thought I wanted. His love was what I thought I deserved.
I had long since set my coffee mug on the ground, and was now hardly able to keep up my own weight as I stood sobbing in my back year.
"He says I boarded up the windows of my palace, That I've grown accustomed to rose coloured glasses"
This voice was singing my life with her song. Maybe Jimmy had been the one to make me feel so bad about myself. I started thinking about him, and he certainly had not helped me, and he was defiantly part of the problem.
I had been so blindly in love with him I couldn't see how much he was hurting me until it was much too late. Until long after I could repair my best friend's heart. By the time I had realized I needed to let Jimmy go, I thought I had already lost Bobby.
Instead of finding out for sure I had kept my feelings hidden, until it was too late. Now I would never have the change to tell Bobby that I loved him too. He was gone, and never coming back.
Still, a part of me thought one day he's come back into my life, that he'd be fine. Even though I had seen the whole thing. Even though I had his blood on his hands. I wanted it all to just be a nightmare, and to wake up and find him next to me.
But I knew that was a dream. I had missed my chance with him and I would never get another. I couldn't really put him to rest because I loved him and I wanted him to know that I felt that way.
"So I live the life in pink, So I'm different than you think, So I'm not so outrageous, I'm not so outrageous"
That almost summed up how I feeling, I just felt like I had failed, and that wasn't my crazy self. They say that being depressed does that too you, but I couldn't help but wonder if there might be something more to it then that.
I was not who Bobby, nor even who Jimmy thought I was. I was not myself anymore, and no one knew me. I tried to act brave, but I knew that I was falling apart. I knew that I could not hide my sadness much longer.
If Bobby were still around he would have noticed something wrong with me. Of course if he was still here then I probably wouldn't have let the depression take me.
I gave up when I saw him laying there, shot, in a pool of his blood. I lost all hope, because if someone like Bobby could be taken from this earth, what was the point of any of it?
After Bobby died I couldn't keep the floodgates from bursting inside me, eating me up. I just couldn't care less anymore. For a long while all I wanted was to join him where ever he might have gone.
That's why I had done what I had done. I did it because I wanted to be with Bobby, I hadn't cared about anything else that night.
I regretted it now, mostly because of what it had done to my son. I had lost so much after I tried to kill myself. I lost my son, and I wasn't sure I could look at anything the same again.
"There was a time I was mighty, When I stood as tall as I can, Yeah, once I was mighty, Now you've made even smaller than I am"
That just spoke to me, I did feel like had lost all of my strength. Jimmy had taken some, a long time ago, and I had never gotten it back from him. Bobby had taken some when he left. Also everything I saw while I was working for a while took a little bit more of my strength away from me whenever I let it.
I did feel very small right then. I probably looked pretty crazy standing in my backyard crying, but I just didn't care. The song was just talking to me, and I couldn't stop myself for listening, and comparing it to what I was going through.
I listened for the next part of the beautiful song that floated out from I didn't even know where. I wasn't even entirely sure that anyone else could hear it.
"'Cause I've boarded up the windows of my palace, I've grown accustomed to rose coloured glasses"
Those lines again, those beautiful telling lines, that spoke right to my heart. My mind was jumping between thoughts of Jimmy and thoughts of Bobby. I had loved them both so much, and now I had to let them both go.
Bobby because he was no longer with me, and Jimmy because he made things far worse for me.
"So I live the life in pink, So I'm different than you think, I'm not so outrageous, So I couldn't do what you did, I'm a little more timid, I'm not so courageous, I'm not so courageous"
I listened to those lines and my mind filled with thoughts of Bobby, only Bobby. He had always been the strong one both at work, in our friendship He had always be the courageous one. He was the one who had been able to do just about anything he set his mind too.
He thought he was single handedly saving the world, and I envied him for that. He was a good soul, who was taken too soon because he was that. All he had tried to do was help an old friend, and he paid the ultimate price.
I knew I could never be who Bobby was, and I didn't think I had the strength to even try it. Even if I did I doubted I could be half as strong as Bobby was. There are not many people in the world like him.
I could tell the song was ending. Such a beautiful song. "Once I was mighty, Once I was mighty," it ended.
"Why?" I whispered into the air.
The wind picked up, it was very strange, it seemed to surround my face, and dry my tears.
"Why did you leave me Bobby?" I asked. "Why did you take him?"
Suddenly I felt like the wind was swirling around me. I was very surprised to hear the song start again. The wind was surrounding me, as if it was trying to make me move. I began to sway along with the music, such a beautiful song, my song some could argue.
Here I was in my backyard listening to a song I was now sure was in my head, dancing with the wind.
But what anyone passing by, or looking at me, did not know was that I was not dancing alone. The wind surrounding me was not just the regular wind of spring, nor the wind of change, and rejuvenation.
This was a very different kind of wind, one I knew may never experience again. This wind was the spirit of my partner, the man I loved. Showing he knew how I felt for him from beyond the grave.
I knew that it was him telling me he was still here, in some facet, just not one I was meant to understand yet.
The wind was so soothing, just like all the times I had been in Bobby's arms, for his unique gentle embraces. But it was so much more then that too. My eyes slipped closed, as the song continued.
On my closed lids I could see a beautiful scene playing there, proving to me that Bobby was there with me in some form. I had goose bumps all over my body, as I gently swayed as if I was slow dancing.
The scene playing out before my eyes was of the morning I woke up in Bobby's arms. Though I hadn't told him, it had been the best night of my life. It was the best morning after I had ever had.
I could see him in front of my smiling, naked beneath the sheets, just like was. His beautiful smile. It was somehow a little different from how I had remembered it, and how I dreamed it almost every night.
"Best day of my life," he had whispered, staring right into my eyes.
"After one night?" But it was slightly different from how it had originally happened, it was more playful.
Everything seemed so real. I could almost smell him, as we laid there staring into each other's eyes.
"I've been I love with you for as long as I can remember," those words haunted me, often I had dreams of him laying there dead, telling me those words.
"Bobby," I warned just as I had that morning.
"Too fast ?"
Then it changed and my response was different again. I smiled lovingly at him, "no, not to fast, it's taken me too long to say this." I took a deep breath, half expecting to wake from the beautiful dream. " Bobby, I love you, too."
He was still there, it wasn't a dream, but it wasn't quiet reality, I knew now.
"I love you for always, Kim."
I almost felt his lips on mine, for one more sweet moment. For one last sweet kiss.
I knew that wherever he might have gone, he had come back to tell me he loved me, and I was glad I had finally been able to tell him how I felt.
It pained me to know that I would eventually have to let this day dream stop, but I knew it was a matter of time, and reality would return.
Bobby would still dead, and all my love would not bring him back. I knew that nothing would ever bring him back. The apparition may have been gone, but the sensation of him still lingered.
I was lucky to have had that moment with him posthumously, and I knew it was more then just a day dream. It was to help me to heal, and someone had given me that moment to do right, even if it would not make anything different.
I opened my eyes, and I was again in my backyard, the wind was now blowing my face. The song was ending once more, and I suddenly knew that was it was called, and who sang it.
"Once I was mighty," the song repeated one last time, before the piano stopped.
I knew I would be mighty once again. Though I knew I had a lot healing left to do, but I would get that song, and when I felt like I couldn't do it anymore I would listen to remind myself of the last thing Bobby had done for me, to help cure my depression.
I went back inside, and my apartment didn't seem so lonely anymore. It wasn't the same, but nothing in life was static. I knew that I could get through this, just like I had gotten though everything else before.
End Notes: I know this
was fluff mixed with angst, mixed with tragedy, I hope it was not
bad, and you can get over it being a songfic, I heard the song and it
reminded me of me first, then Kim, thank you Kristen for backing me
up on that one, and telling me to go for it, and thank you in advance
to anyone who might enjoy this, I hope you did, and please leave a
review it would mean an awful lot to me.
Again the song is "Once I was Mighty" by a Canadian artist named Martina Sorbara, go to maplemuic(dot)com, or Google her name for more info, thank you for reading this big hugz -trista