The Quest for the Pulpless Orange Juice

Starring:

Marth, the smart one!

Link, the not-so-smart one!

And Roy, the morally questionable one!

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Disclaimer: Don’t own nothin’. Period. (Marth rips out his hair at the awful grammar.)

Rating: K Plus (maybe a few profanities, mildish violence, some really weird stuff, and Roy making little kids cry.)

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Chapter 1: Let’s go to the Store!

One fine and glorious day, a piercing scream is heard throughout the land…

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The ever-alert red-haired fire-and-pointy-object-loving swordsman, Roy, leaped up from his bed and dashed downstairs as fast as he could to the kitchen. There, he found Link in front of the open refrigerator, a blood-curdling wail emitting from his lips.

“Link!” Roy exclaimed, concerned by his friend’s behavior “What’s wrong? Is Ganondorf taking over the world? Did Zelda dump you? Did you run out of hair gel? Did they cancel ‘Power Rangers’?”

Link finally stopped wailing and sniffed unhappily. “No, it’s—wait, did you just say they canceled ‘Power Rangers’? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“No, no!” Roy reassured him. “I was just wondering what you were yelling about.”

“Oh, thank goodness—you really had me scared, Roy!” Link said, looking relieved. “What I was yelling about was…there’s no more pulpless orange juice left! There’s only the demonic pulpy kind! We’re all gonna die! The universe is gonna explode! All the rainforests are gonna be cut down and the blue-footed lemurs will go extinct! AHH—”

“Would you please stop that racket!” Marth exclaimed exasperatedly. He was sitting at the table, the daily newspaper spread out before him. “I am trying to do today’s Jumble, if you don’t mind! Sheesh!” he harrumphed, and mumbled something about how newspaper puzzles never got the respect they deserved nowadays.

Roy rolled his eyes and turned back to Link, looking distraught. “Why don’t you just go to the grocery store and get some more?” he suggested—as if it was the obvious solution, the fool!

“What!” Link exclaimed. “I can’t go there…an evil lurks there…an evil so…evil…that…that…” Link thought for a second. “…that it’s evil. Plus, the prices are outrageous!”

Roy sighed. “All right, how about I go with you? Would that make you feel better?”

Link brightened. “Oh yes! Thank you Roy! You’re the best!” With that, he enveloped Roy in his strong arms, and the trees sang and the bees buzzed and the birds flew about and the little unicorns danced and all was happy—

“Link? Could you get off me?” Roy asked, a little disturbed by Link’s sudden display of affection.

Link immediately let Roy go, his face turning a furious hue of red. “Oh, right…sorry.”

Link looked down at his feet, and Roy looked down at his. An awkward silence washed over the place.

The awkward silence continued.

And continued some more.

And continued a bit longer, until…

“BY GOLLY, I FIGURED IT OUT! IT’S ‘NOVA SCOTIA’!” shouted Marth leaping up from his seat, mercifully breaking the long awkward silence. Link and Roy breathed a sigh of relief, because they were starting to get dizzy from staring down at their feet for so long.

“Anyway, sure I’ll go with you to the grocery store! I need to pick up some matches and things myself,” Roy explained to Link.

“Why do you need matches?” Link asked him.

“Uh…no reason…,” Roy muttered, hiding behind his back the illegal fireworks he was planning to set off in Marth’s room.

Link nodded eagerly. “Okay, sounds good! Let’s go!”

Roy looked over to Marth, who was dancing on top of the table excitedly because he had figured out the Jumble, which had been a particularly challenging one that day. It had had words such as ‘haircut’ and ‘masculine’, which he hadn’t really heard of before.

“Marth!” Roy barked at him. “Stop dancing around like an idiot and come with us!”

Marth reluctantly hopped off the table. “You want me to go with you because of my excellent shopping knowledge and ability to sniff out good deals, do you?” he smirked at the red-haired boy.

“No; you have the car keys, that’s why,” Roy explained flatly.

“Oh,” Marth said, slightly deflated. “Okay, let’s—Link? Why do you need your sword with you to go to the grocery store?” Marth raised a waxed eyebrow at Link, who was dressed in complete battle attire and carrying his sword deftly.

“Something is going to happen at that grocery store,” Link replied darkly. “I can smell it!”

“Oh, that’s just my new perfume,” Marth said, flipping back his hair. “Nice, isn’t it? I think it’s ‘Sandalwood and Misty Rain Cucumber Deluxe Mix’.” With that, he brushed passed Link and Roy and pranced out the door, singing about how he needed to buy some more ‘Melon-Lavender-Citrus-Fruit Puree’ lotion.

Roy merely shrugged at Link and followed Marth. However, Link paused before going out himself.

“I know something bad is going to happen at that grocery store…but no matter what it is, it shall not stop me from completing my mission—to obtain the pulpless orange juice!” Link declared dramatically, raising his sword above his head. Then he realized he was alone in the room.

“Aw man…no one’s ever around when I say cool stuff,” he grumbled. Link carefully put his sword back in his sheath, made sure his elf-hat was securely attached to his head, pulled up his tights as high as he could, and ran out to catch up with Marth and Roy.

With that, the three brave swordsmen embarked on their seemingly harmless quest to (just in case you missed it before) obtain the pulpless orange juice.

And maybe score some sweet half-price deals on laundry detergent. Gotta love those savings!

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Thanks for reading!