Author: YamiPaladinofChaos PM
Hanging on to the hope that the next drop takes the pain away.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst - Words: 583 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 1 - Published: 06-30-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2463473
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Disclaimer- Evangelion belongs to Gainax and a whole lot of other people and businesses.
Misato Katsuragi downed yet another Yebisu beer, feeling the cool taste of the alcohol pour down her throat. Around her, cans too numerous to count were littered around her.
The pleasant buzz she was once knew was replaced by a dull, angry throb.
It was different... everything was different since Kaji's... disappearance.
What had once been a gratuitous relief had become nothing but a dull chore... if at that.
What use was this binge drinking? What did it really do for her?
It didn't sooth the pain, didn't dull reality, didn't make her day any brighter.
It didn't change the past, didn't undo the mistakes and horrors of what had come before.
It did nothing.
What was the point?
She popped open another beer, and downed it mechanically, not even feeling the cold liquid pour down her throat.
Once again, it did nothing. No buzz, no forgetting... there was no relief.
Just... nothing. Just that same, dull ache.
Misato reached for another beer, but then paused as she opened it, the crisp noise of its opening filling the room. She swirled the liquid instead, looking into the dark abyss of the opening, where her addiction poured from.
Did it really help this pain, she wondered. Did it block the memories?
No, she knew.
Then why... why did she down one poison after another?
Was there even a point? Or had she forgotten in her quest for vengeance?
She was looking for something... looking for anything.
In Vino, Veritas.
In Wine, there is Truth.
But... what if she couldn't find that truth, if it was just outside of her reach, her grasp, her understanding?
What if she didn't even know what she was looking for?
The liquid swirled again.
Almost angrily, she drank it down, flooding her throat with alcohol, expecting... anything.
She looked down into the can, and swirled it in her hand. A few drops remained.
What was the point?
Even if she knocked herself into an alcohol induced coma, she would wake up again the next morning, head screaming and memories haunting.
But on, and on, she drank, and drank.
For a moment, Misato considered setting the beer down, and trying to cry herself to sleep, watch the television, talk with Shinji, do anything else except sit here and drink herself into a numb oblivion.
Because in the end, it meant nothing. This was just running away...
What was she doing?
The liquid continued to swirl absentmindedly.
Because... because she held on to that false, faint hope that maybe, just maybe, that the next one would go the distance, and take here... somewhere.
That next time, she would be able to forget... everything, and move on, attain that unattainable state of mind where she would at last, be at peace.
She would be able to hold on to the idea of next time, and grasp that intangible fancy that perhaps with the next drink, she would know her purpose, forget her past... something.
She drank the last drops from the can-
"Maybe next time." She whispered softly, and set the can down. Automatically, Misato reached for another.
Next time... maybe.
I wrote this mostly just to try and explain why Misato downs beer so much in a serious manner, and also to underline how she was acting towards the end of the series.