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Games » Fire Emblem » Rennais and Frelia, bound by blood and stupidity
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Author of 16 Stories |
Gameboy Advance: Power Switch on.
Gameboy Advance Logo
Prince Innes runs across the screen
“Eirikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
Nintendo Presents:
Innes runs back across screen
“Eirikaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
A Game by Ramza Lionheart
Innes sticks his face in front of the screen, screaming
“EIRIKAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Fire Emblem: The Blazing Fool
Part II
The citizens of Frelia were all brought out of their beds in the middle of the night and forced to appear before the throne room of the castle of Frelia. King Hayden was naturally sitting there with his retarded smile and goofy face, while his daughter Tana sighed wistfully at Ephraim’s smugness.
Eirika made her way through the crowd until she emerged before Ephraim who was sitting in front of a large piano, using Seth as a stool to sit on.
“Brother! What in the name of all that is sacred in Magevel, are you doing! Why have you woken up everyone in the middle of the night?”
“But sister, you must hear this! I, in all my genuisnossness have had an inspiration! I have invented…A JINGLE!”
“A jingle?”
“A jingle!” Ephraim nodded happily as he began humming a tone before he started playing for real.
(Song: I’m Blue)
Yo listen up here's a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world
And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him
Inside and outside, blue his house with a blue little window
And a blue carpet
And everything is blue for him and himself
And everybody around
Cuz he ain't got nobody till this ends…
I'm blue,
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
its true,
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
I have a blue house with a blue window.
Blue is the color of all that I wear.
Blue are the streets and all the trees are too.
I have a sister and boy, is she so blue.
Blue are the people here that walk around,
Blue like my carpet, it's for walking around.
Blue are the words I say and what I think.
Blue are the feelings that live inside me.
I'm blue,
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
its true,
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
As soon as Ephraim ended his jingle,
“Okaaaay…” Eirika nervously shifted. “So…what did you mean by all that?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m a narcissistic dictator, which means not only I get to say how you should think and act, I get to say what you should look like!” Ephraim laughed as he took a small parchment. “I hereby declare the newest law of Frelia is…anyone whose hair is not colored blue will be executed on sight…STARTING NOW!”
The citizens of Frelia blinked twice before they shrieked and ran back to their homes. Others, the more intelligent, immediately rushed to scour for any blue dyes to color their hair.
“Brother! You’re completely insane!” Eirika stomped with her foot. “King Hayden! Please! I implore you to take back the throne and stop Ephraim!”
“Eirika does have a point, Ephraim.” Hayden seemed to be getting serious. “This new law of yours does sound a bit harsh…”
“ONLY A BIT!” Eirika screamed as she yanked her hair.
“Hey, Kingy…here is a gold coin.” Ephraim flicked Hayden a coin. “Have a lollipop on me.”
“Oh goody, goody!” Hayden giggled like a child as he ran away.
“You were saying…” Ephraim smirked.
“…”
Innes and Samus Aran handed a large metallic container to the head of the researchers in the Black Mesa facility…
“One still embryo of alien-slash-demonic life form…” The researcher checked.
“Check.” Innes replied.
“One amputated tentacle of Mother Brain…”
“Check.” Samus replied.
“One seemingly-un-killable-pirate-dragon-thingy to be used as a romantic interest for Samus in fanfiction for god-knows-why reasons…”
“Check…” Samus groaned as she threw Ridley’s carcass.
“And the last remaining Metroid in the universe…not to be used as plot-device to clone and spawn endless Metroids for sequels to come.”
“Check.” Innes replied as he played with the little green blob.
“Well, that’s it.” The researcher handed them their payment. “Pleasure doing business with you. And Innes, the wormhole portal is open, so you can hop in anytime if you want to leave our universe.”
“Right, whatever…bye Samus, say goodbye to Samus, Eirika.”
The Metroid known as ‘Eirika’ hopped on Samus’s chest, melting the portion of the power suit over her chest.
“Gyaaaaaaaah! Gedditoff! Gedditoff!” Samus screamed.
“But Samus…it’s only a baby. I thought you liked babies…”
“Not this kind of baby, it’s trying to breastfeed! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!”
Innes raised an eyebrow, which was the closet thing to showing an emotion that he could muster to anyone when he’s not around either Eirika or Ephraim. Having grown fond of the Metroid Eirika, but realzing that she decided to stay with Samus, he sighed and walked into the portal…leaving Samus screaming her head off, shouting ‘bloody murder’ as that thing finally managed to get through to her skin…
What followed next, Innes did not see…and neither should, because this is not a lemon fanfic…
Trala lala trala lala
Days? Weeks? Months? Years?
It seemed forever…but that didn’t matter…his food ran out two weeks ago and he used up his last potion three days before that…
Trala lala trala lala
Now he knew why they call it ‘Lost Woods’…the legends were true. No one could escape them once they go in…no one…
Oh, what a fool he was to try and accomplish what no one could…
Trala lala trala lala
But he had to…he had no choice…he had to see Saria in the temple of the forest…but now, it was too late…
Follow the sound of Saria’s song, eh? That bastard Mido…
Tralal lala trala lala…
Now he was tired…so very tired…he couldn’t even walk, in fact…he had been crawling for the last three hours…
Tralala lala trala lala
Why shouldn’t he take a rest? Yeah…that sounds good…rest…just…a little rest…it won’t hurt to sleep a little, right?
And he closed his eyes…and that was the last time he ever did…
From behind a nearby tree stump, Gannondorf and Innes stepped out.
“Ya see?” Innes triumphantly said. “All you had was lure him on a wild goose chase using Saria’s ocarina, and the fool would die of starvation and exhaustion.”
“Innes, you have no idea how grateful I am!” Gannon laughed. “You are a true genius!”
“Don’t I know it?”
“As promised, I now hand you Princess Zelda.”
Gannon brought Zelda before Innes, tied and bound.
“What the—I SAID I WANTED PRINCESS EIRIKA!”
“Eirka, Zelda…same thing.”
“No, they’re not! Have a little toe sandwich, GannonDORK!”
Innes kicked Gannon’s Kokiri nuts and walked away angrily as Zelda used this opportunity to escape.
Innes wasn’t sure that this newest endeavor was going to bring him any closer to Eirika…supposedly the person behind this door was the largest and most influential extorter in all and every world that Innes traveled to and fro…
“Positive.” His contact told him. “Now go in and pay your respects.”
Innes swallowed nervously…this person was of influential power and must not be underestimated. As he entered the room, he closed the door behind him and observed the large chair behind the desk that was facing the window. A trail of cigarette smoke rose from behind the chair as the figure seemed to be enjoying the view outside the blinds.
“Ahem…” Innes cleared his throat.
The figure turned around in the leather swivel chair…
Turned out to be a plumpy yellow creature with black stripes and rosy cheeks…the creature was chewing on a large Cuban cigar.
“Bless me, Pikafather...” Innes said as he knelt before Pikachu.
“Chu come for me to ashk a favor…” Pikachu took another puff. “I will grant chu this favor…but in return, chu must promish to do me a favor whenever I ask chu…”
“Okaaaaay…does that mean I’m part of the Pokemon Mafia, now?”
“There is no Pokemon Mafia…” Pikachu slit its eyes…
“But you—”
“Rule number one of the Pokemon Mafia…Chu do not talk about the Pokemon Mafia!”
“But—”
“Rule number Chu…Chu do not TALK about the Pokemon Mafia!”
“But you just—”
“Rule number three…Chu DO NOT talk about the Pokemon Mafia!”
“Bu-bu-but—”
“SHUT UP!”
“Okay, I can see this partnership isn’t going to work.” Innes walked backwards. “I’m…err…I’m gonna go…Pika bless me and all that…”
Innes walked out of door and exited the building…he sat on the sidewalk, cursing his luck. The Pikafather was the only one with enough connections to help him find out where Eirika was located…what rotten luck.
Suddenly, as if to answer his prayers, an attractive woman walked up to him. I say ‘attractive’ because she had a shapely body, thin, long legs, fine chest and posterior…err…anyway, those were the only features anyone could see as her face was hidden underneath a hood. Despite that, her eyes were visibly glowing..
“Hello, Innes.” The woman said. “I can help you.”
“Help me? How?”
“I can help you find Eirika…”
“You’re not lying to me, are you?” Innes grew suspicious. “I had to rescue dozens of princesses because no one knew who Eirika really was. So, tell me! Who is Eirika?”
“Blue hair…flat chest…anyone who makes love to her is a closet homosexual because he’s basically making love to Ephraim.”
“Exactly!” Innes happily nodded before he frowned. “Heeeeeeeey!”
“I can help you find her.”
“I suppose you want me to win the F-Zero race, then?”
“No…”
“Clear your mansion of ghosts?”
“No…”
“Get all the sunshines in your island?”
“No…”
“Destroy the 8 robot masters?”
“No…”
“Cure your patients of G.U.I.L.T?”
“How many worlds have you traveled?”
“Please…don’t ask.”
“All you have to do is just go to this person and say…Dragon.”
“Dragon?”
“Dragon.”
“Dragon?”
“Dragon.”
“…Dragon?”
“Dragon.”
“…okaaaaaaay………Dragon?”
“Dragon.”
Innes nodded quietly…walking towards the direction she pointed…he was gone for a few minutes before coming back.
“Dragon?”
“Dragon.”
Innes nodded again…leaving towards his destination…he came back ten minutes later.
“Dragon?”
“………”
King Zephiel fidgeted around in his throne, head resting on one hand. He sighed as he looked at the gloomy darkness that surrounded this place…he was all alone in this dank, dark and miserable place. With no one to keep him company, he sighed again as he shifted in his throne. Years ago, he had the pleasure of making acquaintance with three very interesting figures that affected his life greatly…Hector, Eliwood and Lyndis…Hector was the most mentally adjusted of the trio, while Eliwood was just a sissy who, oddly, did not notice the attempts of Lyndis to rip off his clothes and make love to him in the hallways of the castle of Bern…what funny people…
But now, Zephiel was all alone…fidgeting…shifting…fidgeting…shifting…
(FAAAAAAAAAART)
“Damn…” Zephiel sighed in relief. “That damn fart kept bugging me for ages…I guess that’s what I get for sitting on this stupid throne for years. In fact, that’s all what I’ve been doing since the ending of FE7 which, chronologically, is actually FE6…sheesh, I never could get this through my head.”
Sighing again, Zephiel got up with his massive giga-tonne armor…
“Holy shit! I think I just gave myself another hernia! Wear a huge armor…what the hell was I thinking!”
Zephiel walked in pain along the red carpet in front of the throne…when suddenly…
“Boo!” Nino poked her head out of nowhere.
“Aaaaaaah!” Zephiel screamed as he fell down on his ass. “Owwww! My pelvis shattered into a thousand pieces!”
Mustering all the strength of a fully leveled pre-promoted unit (which isn’t much, because the computer is a stingy bastard) Zephiel slowly stood back up on his legs…
CRACK!
“Feck! There goes the knee!” Zephiel shouted as he fell flat on his face with another crack. “Owww! My node! My node! I broke my node!”
Nino blinked like an idiot as Zephiel managed to roll around on the floor in an effort to look up and face.
“Pant pant…whaddya want?” he asked.
“It is I…the spirit of Fire Emblem Past!” she giggled. “I’ve come to show you the error in your ways!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, and I’ll be doing it via flashbacks. Trust me, by the time I’m through you, you’ll be a good guy again.”
“Quite frankly, I’ll be bored to death with your ‘valley girl’ attitude…”
“Heeey, that’s not nice!”
Nino flicked her wrist and a visage of Zephiel as a young kid running amidst a meadow of flowers with his sister. They were running in place, not moving, huge smiles on their faces. Think any cheesy meadow running scene and you get the idea.
“Looking back then, you were cute…you were sweet…you were innocent…” Nino sighed.
“I was a fag…” he grunted.
“Hey! Language! Language!”
The next flashback showed Hector picking up Zephiel over his head, just like he did with Nils.
“See how Hector treated you? You made friends with these people and they loved you…Zephiel, you shouldn’t let your heart be closed. It’s not too late to strike an alliance with Hector and Eliwood and—”
Nino looked down on Zephiel, who was using his hands in an effort to push himself up. His shaking hands buckled for a bit before.
CRACK!
“SONUVA--!” Zephiel cried as his hands got broken and he fell down on his face again.
“Erm…well, anyway…I’ve shown you the past, so try to remember what a nice guy you were and don’t turn into a meanie, okay? In another note, Ramza Lionheart is truly a lucky guy! Instead of playing of FE6 and then FE7, he played FE7 and then played FE6 so he got to see the story in an episodic sort of fashion! Heheh!”
Nino left as Zephiel’s body started hemorrhaging.
“Hello there.” Lalaum appeared. “I am the spirit of Fire Emblem Present and I have come to show you the error of your ways.”
“Little help here?” Zephiel croaked.
“The truth is, Zephiel…I’m not a slut. Why does everyone call me a slut? If you ask me, that bitch Tethys aka ‘Tities’ (coined by Ramza Lionheart) is the true slut! But no matter…the truth is, Zephiel, the present sucks! BIG TIME! I mean, FE6 has no scenes and, strangely enough, FE8 doesn’t have scenes either! Ain’t that weird? Unless you count that little picture with Lyon near the end, but no matter…Fire Emblem 7 hogged everything, with the best writing, best characters and scenes! How come FE8 didn’t get any scenes!”
“Blargh!” blood started pouring from Zephiel’s mouth as he lay on the ground.
“Aaaaaaanyway, let me show you the present.” She danced around like a loon until a picture of the world appeared. “Look, there is Hector playing with his daughter Lilina whose character design may or may have not inspired the character Myrrh…but I digress…ooh, look, there is Eliwood and he has aged…how come he hasn’t aged as well as Hector? Why does he look drained of bodily fluids?”
The scene shows an aged Lyndis riding Eliwood like a wild stallion…
“Okay, now it makes perfect sense…no wonder they keep sending Roy aboard. Anyway, Zephiel, the point is everyone is happy…there’s no reason for you to go all evil and genocidal on us, okay? Ta ta!”
Lalaum disappeared and was replaced by Amelia…
“I am the spirit of Fire Emblem Future…and I have come show you the error of your ways.”
Zephiel started convulsing…but with each motion, he was breaking more bones in his body.
“Ow!”
Crack
“Sonvua!”
Crack
“Hurts like a bitch!”
Crack
“Help meeee!”
“Let me show you a vision of the future…” Amelia slammed her spear into the ground and a vision appeared of Zephiel.
“Muahahahaha!” Zephiel cackled as he burned his kingdom. “Burn Bern burn! Burn Bern Burn!”
“See? You will become an evil badguy and we all know that evil badguys never win in Fire Emblem. I mean, if you know you’re gonna lose anyway, why bother? That’s right, Zephiel! You’re gonna die if you keep this up, so why don’t you just give up and let everyone, including you, live happily every after.”
Amelia smacked Zephiel’s head with her spear before disappearing.
“Owwww…what the…I’M CURED!” he shouted standing up. “Oww, my back! But it doesn’t matter! I have seen the light! Guinevere, my dear sister, let’s get out there and play in the fields with bunnies and squirrels and roll around in the flowers and—”
Suddenly, Innes appeared from the shadows…
“Who are you!” Zephiel gasped. “What do you want?”
Innes stood quiet for a moment before he said…
“Dragon…”
Zephiel’s eyes started twinkling…
“…….”
Zephiel’s eyes continued twinkling.
“…….”
Zephiel’s eyes started twinkling some more…
“Oo…kaaaay…”
Innes nervously shifted backwards from Zephiel, whose eyes were still twinkling brightly…
The dark woman waited for Innes as he exited the castle of Bern…
“Is it done?” she asked.
Suddenly, a loud maddening wail of laughter began emanating from the castle.
“!”
“I guess so…” Innes scratched his hair.
“Very well, I shall tell you where Eirika is…the truth is…you knew where she was all along.”
“Guh?”
“Eirika had never left Frelia in the first place…it was a trick…”
Innes clenched his fist and shouted at the skies.
“EPPPHRAAAAAAAAAAIM!”
“It was all part of Ramza Lionheart’s plan…he pulled a Wizard of Oz on you.”
“RAMAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“You’d best get back to Frelia quickly or else you might lose her again…”
“EIRIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Only a cloud of dust was left as Innes ran at the speed of light towards Frelia…
The Dark Dragon smiled as she watched the fool leave…she watched as flame and smoke started appearing throughout Bern…
Everything was going exactly as planned…
