The Way Things Should Be

Author: This was a joint collaboration by Felkwafi and Fight4foo!
Rating: I would peg it at a light R, maybe higher…
Pairings: OkitaxHijikataxOkita (that's right folks…)
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: We own some of the mangas, does that count for anything?
Warnings Yaoi of the lime kind.
Summary:Gambling and betting are both bad for you, something that Hijikata learns the hard way. Tetsu-kun better not win, otherwise the fukuchou will be spending the day…handing out candy to little kids?

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Okita Souji walked along the porch that ran around the dojo to Hijikata Toshizou's room. He whistled along in time to the clack of his sandals on the boards, not really seeing anyone to talk with. When he reached the room he carefully opened the door before spotting Hijikata sitting in the middle of the room smoking his pipe.

"Hi-ji-ka-ta-san!" Souji sung out playfully.

He stopped in the doorway waiting for some kind of signal to enter, but Hijikata just sat there gazing in the other direction. Souji stepped back out onto the deck thinking what to do. The vice-chief must be thinking and not really paying attention to his surroundings. Really what he should do is walk away and come back to talk later, but the more playful (and somewhat wicked) side of him thought it would be fun to take advantage of Hijikata's zoned-out state.

Silently Souji reopened the door and padded carefully across the floor towards Hijikata. He paused right behind the larger man, waiting for some sign of acknowledgement. When none came he proceeded until he was kneeling behind the other.

In a loud sing-song voice Souji called out again, "Hi-ji-ka-ta-san!" while reaching around to the front of his lover's yukata and slipping in a hand. Hijikata grunted slightly in surprise, but made no other sign of noticing the man.

"Oh, Hijikata-san, you're no fun. The least you could have done is pretend to be really surprised since I went to all the effort of sneaking up on you," Souji cried, still massaging the man's chest. He shifted slightly to run a tongue along Hijikata's ear, which was only acknowledged by a sigh of smoke.

"Souji…"

"Yes?" he cooed into the vice-chief's ear. There was no answer, and Souji took it as a warning to stop his ministrations. "What's wrong, Toshi? You've been acting so sad lately… isn't there any way I can make you feel better?"

Hijikata exhaled another lengthy puff of smoke. The other man furrowed his brows, apparently engaged in some sort of inner battle. Then, at last, Souji's frown disappeared. "Let's go for a walk," he said with resolution, taking the vice-chief's hand in his own.

The older man allowed himself to be walked through the dojo, but said nothing and didn't pay any attention to Souji's ramblings. Abruptly they stopped. Souji moved in front of Hijikata and took his face in his hands, pulling him down to eye level. "You've been ignoring me the whole time. What is wrong?"

Hijikata pulled out of Souji's grasp and moved around him to keep walking. "I was just thinking."

After hurriedly catching up, Souji put a comforting arm around his lover's waist, a silent urge to tell more. "About what?"

Sighing, Hijikata took another puff from his pipe, slowly letting the smoke out from between his lips. "About Tetsu and his request for a weapon."

Souji dropped his arm from Hijikata's waist and clasped his hands behind his back. "That's what it is? I was worried you were mad at me," he said teasingly while Hijikata only grunted.

Hijikata was about to open his mouth to speak, but the silence was broken first by a loud thud coming from inside the dojo.

"C'mon, Tetsu, you'll never beat me like that! Remember what I told you about—," Heisuke was unable to finish his sentence when Tetsunosuke's wooden sword came swinging dangerously close to his face. Dodging the attack, he continued, "timing?"

"Hey, you two!" called Shinpachi, who was standing with Sanosuke in the opposite corner of the room, waving Souji and the taciturn vice-chief over. "Tetsu challenged Heisuke… how much you wanna bet he beats him this time?"

Hijikata remained silent, but Souji grinned. "This looks like fun! I think Tetsu will probably win!"

The vice-chief gave a halfhearted chuckle. "Are you kidding? He's got no chance. I doubt he can even hit him."

Souji snuggled into the vice-chief's chest, who stiffened at the contact but didn't pull away. "Aw, you're not giving him enough credit, Hijikata-san. Tetsu-kun's gotten a lot better! I bet that he beats Heisuke-san!"

Hijikata raised an eyebrow questioningly at the young man clinging to him. "Beat him? That's as unlikely as…me handing out candy to little kids."

"Oh really?" Souji grinned up at him, but Hijikata could already see a plan forming in his head. "Would you like to bet me on it?"

"Why would I do something like that?" he growled.

Souji stepped away from him and grinned up. "For fun, of course! You're so serious it's unhealthy!" With that, Souji cocked his head to the side and grinned widely. "So, shall we shake on it?" He held out his hand.

Hijikata looked at his lover's slender hand for a moment, then glanced at Tetsunosuke fight. He noticed that Shinpachi and Sanosuke were staring intently at him, and finally turned his attention back to Souji, who was starting to become impatient. "What are the conditions?"

"Conditions?" Souji smiled. "Well, let's see… if, like you said, Tetsu-kun's victory is," he put on a gruff voice here, "as unlikely as me handing out candy to little kids," he reverted to his usual cheerful tone, "then wouldn't it be fair to ask you to do exactly that if he does win?"

Sanosuke let out a booming laugh. "Hijikata-san would be imitating you, Okita-san!"

"Ahaha, you're right, Sanosuke!"

Hijikata turned his head away from them, but if one looked closely it would have been apparent that his eye was beginning to twitch in anger. "Never."

Souji stood up on his toes to reach Hijikata's ear where he whispered, "Then what about if Tetsu-kun does win I read all of Hogyaku's poems at supper tomorrow and reveal to everybody who the mysterious poet really is." He stood down and turned back to watch Tetsunosuke backing away from Heisuke. Hijikata's mouth hung open with his pipe dangling dangerously from it. Sometimes Souji could be pretty scary.

He growled at being stuck in such an uncomfortable spot. It was impossible not to do the bet because then Hijikata would appear intimidated by his younger lover, something he could not let happen. "Grr… fine. But only if Tetsunosuke manages to knock Heisuke-san completely out. And," Hijikata's eye glinted with the light of revenge, "you must impersonate me for a day as well." The way he saw it Souji would hate bossing people around and being 'grumpy' for a day.

To his surprise, however, Souji now looked even more delighted with the added twist. "You're brilliant, Hijikata-san!" he exclaimed, holding the angered vice-chief's arm lovingly.

After a few moments, Hijikata leaned down so that he could whisper into Souji's ear, well out of hearing range from Shinpachi and Sanosuke. "If he doesn't win, I'll take my reward later. Alone."

Souji shuddered.

"Whoa, watch out, Tetsu!" roared a very amused Sanosuke, drawing the attention of the other three spectators.

Tetsunosuke had been knocked to the ground, Heisuke looming over him and holding his wooden katana in preparation for his final move. Sanosuke, Shinpachi, and Hijikata watched intently. Souji swallowed nervously.

"This is the end, Puppy-kun," said Heisuke, and his weapon descended quickly upon the boy beneath him with a sharp noise.

But Heisuke had only struck the wooden floor of the dojo. The four spectators watched in anticipation as Tetsunosuke, who had slid through Heisuke's legs and turned in a fierce attack from behind.

Tetsunosuke's sword pressed against the back of the stunned Heisuke's neck. He assured his victory by bringing the sword crashing into the older man, completely knocking him out.

Sanosuke and Shinpachi both roared with laughter at their friend and went over to revive him and tease him about being beaten by someone half his size. Souji was positively jumping with happiness and nearly tackled Tetsunosuke to the ground. Hijikata was swearing loudly.

After thoroughly congratulating Tetsunosuke on the win Souji made his way back to Hijikata, smiling coyly. "Hi-ji-ka-ta-san!" he called happily, "It looks like I won our bet. You know what this means."

Hijikata shrunk back towards the wall away from Souji. He mentally berated himself for ever agreeing to anything like this in the first place. "Fine, you win," he grunted, "the bet starts now." With that said he turned out of the dojo and walked away on the path.

Souji chased after him and grabbed onto Hijikata's large sleeve to stop him. "Demo, Hijikata-san, that's not fair. We agreed on switching roles for a day. If we start now it would only be an afternoon."

Hijikata pulled his sleeve away from the smaller man and huffed angrily on his pipe. "Grr, then it starts tomorrow." Souji smiled at the retreating form of his lover, already planning what he would be like tomorrow. He giggled slightly and began practicing his "Hijikata-fukuchou" voice.

"Hey."

Hijikata rolled over, wondering who had the gall to speak to him in such a tone so early in the morning.

"Are you listening to me!" the voice said loudly, approaching Hijikata's form, which was buried underneath his sheets. When the vice-chief continued to ignore him, Souji decided to use force and pulled the covers off. "Get up," he said in the same unnaturally stern tone, although despite his efforts, his face did not match his words or the sound of his voice.

"Souji, what the hell are you—," Hijikata stopped in mid-sentence, the events of the previous day returning to his slowly awakening mind. "Oh." Souji's face, though frowning, visibly lit up at the fact that the vice-chief had realized that he had lost the bet.

Hijikata took a deep breath. It was going to be a long day.

"Well, I told you to get up. Someone's here to see you," Souji said, using his gruff voice again, but it looked like he was trying really hard not to laugh.

It was then Hijikata fully woke up and heard the voices coming from outside the thin walls. They were high and shrill, almost…child-like. He groaned as all of them began screaming in unison "Okita-san! Okita-san!"

"I think they're calling for you," Souji commented picking up Hijikata's pipe and twirling it in his fingers, much to the older man's annoyance. "Better get up and out there before I make you."

Hijikata scowled and pulled on a yukata around his shoulders. Outside the sun was already high in the sky and he paused in the doorway for a moment and blinked while his eyes adjusted to the light. Just off the porch about eight or nine kids stood open mouthed and silent, their faces wearing a mixture of fear and curiosity.

"I'll come," Hijikata started before choking out the next part, "play with you."

The children stood there, still confused as to what was happening. Before this man had always been chasing them out of the yard and yelling, they weren't really sure what to do. However, far be it from them to decline a willing playmate so they latched onto his arms and began tugging him out of the yard. Hijikata looked back over his shoulder and almost snarled as he saw Souji standing there, smiling, his pipe (though not lit) in the other man's mouth.

Souji continued to watch the awkward vice-chief and his new playfellows from Hijikata's usual spot outside his room until he realized he was not alone. Kondou had apparently taken interest in Hijikata's actions as well, and had been standing next to Souji for an indefinite period of time.

"Souji…"

"Yes, taichou?" Souji replied in an attempt to maintain his 'fukuchou voice.'

Kondou didn't reply immediately, seemingly taken aback by the way Souji had sounded. "Well… what is Hijikata-kun doing?"

"Playing with those kids."

This time the chief knew that he wasn't imagining things, at least in regard to the matter of Souji's voice. "Souji, are you alright? Your voice sounds…," for lack of better words, he continued, "very strange."

Souji decided it would be alright if Kondou knew about the bet (and probably disastrous to the man's mental health if he didn't), so he leaned in to explain the dare. Upon hearing about the situation, Kondou couldn't help but to laugh heartily. "Ha! It will probably be good for him to lighten up, Souji!"

"I'm glad you agree, taichou," said Souji, reverting to his imitation of Hijikata. "However, keep in mind that Tetsunosuke doesn't know about this. I hope you'll agree to keep it that way." Kondou smiled widely, nodded, and the two continued to watch Hijikata.

Hijikata on the other hand wasn't having quite as relaxing a morning as he imagined Souji to be. Almost immediately the children had decided that his hair (which was quite a bit longer than Souji's) was the most amazing thing and spent almost an hour grabbing on the ends and swinging with it. It took all of Hijikata's patience to not grab them and hurl them across the yard. He figured that would violate the rules of their bet. Instead he would gently pull them off and set them to the ground. Souji was going to pay for this.

After playing who-can-jump-up-and-hit-Hijikata-on-the-nose (which many of them could) little voices could be heard begging and pleading the fukuchou.

"Please, please let us ride on your back like a pony!" they all whined in unison.

"Is this what you do with Okita-san?" Hijikata snapped, momentarily forgetting Souji would never do that.

All of them immediately jumped up and latched onto the front of his yukata. "Yes! Of course Okita-san would!"

"Fine. Only one person at a-" but the rest of Hijikata's sentence was cut off as a hoard of kids all tried to get on his back at once. Did he mention Souji would pay?

At this point, said Souji had retreated into Hijikata's room to enjoy the solace of his especially comfortable bed while reading selections from Hogyaku's haiku collection (today, at least, it was only fair that "Hijikata" should be allowed to read his own poetry). The peace was interrupted by an irritated and somewhat confused Saizo nudging against Souji's arm.

"Saizo, remember what I told you before? Today, you are going to be hanging around with Hijikata-san." Souji winked at his pet, who, with a frustrated grunt, exited through the partially closed screen.

It was not long before Souji received another visitor, a short, red-haired visitor, to be exact.

"Hijikata-san, do you want some tea?"

"I told you," said Souji in the angriest tone he could manage, "not to enter the room without warning!"

"Okita-san, what are you doing here? Where's Hijikata-san?" Tetsunosuke inquired, startled by the way the violet-haired captain had spoken.

"I've told you before," Souji said in the deep, gruff, Hijikata-voice, "It's Okita-sama. Show some respect."

Tetsunosuke looked confused as he began to set down the tea tray. "But, Okita-san, you never said before-"

"Then I'm saying now, dammit!" Souji roared, inwardly feeling a little guilty about this.

"Uh…sorry?" Tetsunosuke said confusedly.

"Right, now get out," Souji had to work very hard to hold in his laughter at the sight Tetsunosuke made. He looked adorably lost. Right as he was leaving the room, Souji sent him a wink, just so there were no hard feelings. Tetsunosuke gave up trying to understand.

Souji picked up a cup of tea while humming and swinging his legs until he remembered the fact that it was something his vice-chief would never do, and went back to Hogyaku's poetry.

Meanwhile, in the courtyard, Hijikata had given up on trying to exhaust the children. For the past fifteen minutes he had taken to playing Kagome with them, since it involved minimum physical exertion on his part. Though he would never admit it to anyone, he was beginning to realize that Souji's lifestyle was a difficult one.

Nearby, the other vice-chief had decided upon taking a walk to clear his thoughts when he happened upon the strange sight of Hijikata covering his eyes and being circled by happy children. Sannan quickly removed his glasses and began to clean them off with the hem of his hakama, but alas, when he replaced them on the bridge of his nose, it became apparent that it was no illusion.

"Hijikata-kun…" Sannan said, still uncertain that it wasn't just someone that looked like the other fukuchou.

Hijikata gritted his teeth. This was one of the last people he wanted to see today. It wasn't that Sannan would tease him or anything that worried him. The thought that the other man would like the change really scared Hijikata. "Yamanami-san!" he cried out in an overly-cheerful voice, much like Souji would. "I'm so happy to see you! We were just about to go to the candy store."

Sannan blinked and blinked again. Hijikata was still there smiling and holding hands with the little kids. "Are you…ill?"

"Of course not," Hijikata said, smiling in a way that clashed horribly with his twitching eyebrow, "Yamanami-san. So, will you come get candy with us?" Without waiting for an answer, one of the children grabbed the spectacled vice-chief by the sleeve and began to pull him along with the group.

My suspicions have been confirmed, thought Susumu, who had been watching from the roof of the dojo. This imposter could become dangerous. With that, the ninja silently followed.

Souji wandered through the dojo (actually it was more of an intimidating march; Hijikata never wandered). Everyone he passed called out a jovial greeting, which he immediately answered with an order to get back to work. Tetsunosuke had spent all morning avoiding the man, still unsure what was going on.

Softly, Souji stopped outside the accounting room. He pushed his ear to the screen so as to better hear what was going on inside.

"Tatsu-niichan! I'm telling you he was weird," the unmistakable voice of Tetsunosuke whined. Souji leaned in closer, eager to figure out if they were talking about him.

"Gah! Get off my arm. I need to back to work. I'm sure it was just your imagination," Tatsunosuke complained back. The sound of something hitting the ground and thrashing around could be heard, which would be the older man trying to dislodge his brother from his arm.

"No! It's not just me, lots of other people have been thinking the same thing," Tetsunosuke said, "In fact, you know who he reminds me of?" Souji swore could almost hear the young boy shiver, "Hijikata-san…"

"Hijikata-san… Tetsu, I think you need some rest. I'll go let everyone know that you're taking the rest of the day off; you shouldn't be working when you're sick."

"But Tatsu-nii!"

"Stay there," Tatsunosuke said in all seriousness, and exited the room. Luckily Souji had quick reflexes; when the older brother spotted him, the violet-haired man was already walking in the opposite direction.

"Ah, Okita-san! Do you have a moment?" Tatsunosuke called after Souji.

"No," said Souji threateningly.

"Oh, well…well, then…I guess…looks like you don't… I'll just…" Tatsunosuke resigned and fled back into the room where Tetsu was.

"I told you so," the redhead mumbled. Tatsunosuke couldn't answer.

The owner of the local candy store was overcome with joy; he usually only saw this kind of business during festivals, but this had been in the time frame of 15 minutes! First the frequent customers, the ones too small to reach the top of the display case, then to his surprise, the two vice-chiefs of the Shinsengumi themselves, and finally a suspicious, though quite indulgent man clad in all black.

"You got a lady friend you're taking all of those to?" the cashier joked to the man in black. Susumu stared at him for a minute before leaving without saying a word.

"Unless it's a man…" the cashier commented idly.

Hijikata groaned as he sat down, his back popping several times. He had spent all day hunched over being dragged around by little children. Souji might be able to accommodate them without much difficulty, but he was a good six inches taller. Sannan seemed to have immediately grasped the idea of getting candy for the kids, and ended up spending a good sum of money.

"Hijikata-san, are you going to pass out the candies?" the little children around him begged. The man cringed as he saw drool escape down some of their chins.

"Yes, I'm going to pass them out. Just sit down, okay? We are going to take turns," he gritted out, a prominent vein in his forehead throbbing, and distributed the sweets. Damn, he had told Souji he would never be caught dead handing out candy to little children.

By now, the afternoon sun had started its descent, and although it was still light outside, Hijikata was able to see some hope for the future. He only had to send the kids home, go to bed early, and wake up in the morning himself again.

Souji, however, was thinking along slightly different lines. When the vice-chief walked into his room, the violet-haired man was sitting on his futon, still holding the pipe. It looked like he had had an infuriatingly calm day. Souji smiled as his lover walked into the room.

"Move," Hijikata grunted, making a beeline for the futon, completely worn out. "Why are you smiling?"

Souji leaned in close so he was right by Hijikata's ear. "That's out of character, Toshi-chan," he said, still using a deep voice. The older man flinched at the name. "I don't think the day's quite over yet."

"Just let me get to bed," Hijikata lunged forward to tackle Souji off the bed, who neatly sidestepped.

He moved over the taller man, straddling his back and leaning in to whisper, "There's still one more thing you normally do that I get to do today." Hijikata shivered.

"Souji, you – aah!" the vice-chief's sentence became a moan as Souji's tongue trailed up the side of his neck, leaving a wet trail uncannily similar to the one Hijikata had furnished a few nights before. After a moment, he realized Souji's hands had already been hard at work at his yukata, and were trailing over his bare shoulders.

"Mm, Toshi, you're beautiful," Souji purred, choosing adjectives he was sure Hijikata had used before to describe him. At this point, he had managed to turn the taller man onto his back and set to work on removing the rest of the vice-chief's clothes. Hijikata was no longer able to fight back and Souji's bold ministrations had dissolved most, if not all, his tenacity.

Slowly, painstakingly slowly (which Hijikata was sure he'd never done to the other man), Souji licked and kissed his way down his chest. At the tie to the vice-chief's yukata he stopped to look up at the other's face. For a moment he smirked, before beginning to pull the tie off…with his teeth (Hijikata was positive he had never done this, since patience wasn't his strong point, leading him to wonder if Souji had been planning this). However, the older man had to commend him on this idea as Souji's teeth scraped gently along his arousal.

Souji pushed the yukata off and gently to the floor. As he adjusted his position to gain a better hold on the taller man, Hijikata couldn't help but think how wrong this was. He hated it, this feeling of not being in control; he was, after all a leader and not a follower.

Souji kissed his way across Hijikata's inner thigh, teasing and soft. Every now and then he would look up playfully at the other, apparently loving every minute of this. At this Hijikata cringed; he couldn't squash the irrepressible feeling that this was not how it was supposed to be.

And with that, he pushed Souji off.

"Hijikata-san, you're—mmph!" Souji's sentence was cut off by Hijikata claimed his mouth, almost as if to make a point. Once again he had positioned himself over the shorter man, reasserting who was really the dominant one. He impatiently removed Souji's clothes and began to ravish the younger man, not caring anymore about the bet, only focusing on his lover. This was how it should be; this was how it always would be.

Hijikata nuzzled his face against Souji's thigh, mumbling softly, "This is much better… other way… weird… got better idea…" The vice-chief rolled onto his back again, pulling Souji into his previous position.

Souji looked at him, confused, "I thought you didn't want to bottom?"

"Not one bit," Hijikata muttered back, nipping lightly at Souji's neck, making the other man gasp.

"But then-"

"You'll just be on top," Hijikata looked up just long enough for Souji to swear he had seen the other man grin impishly, in a way very un-Hijikata-esque. Souji raised an eyebrow, grinning, and kissed Hijikata passionately.

Susumu had never seen anything quite like it. He stood, shell-shocked a few more moments before realizing he was in the open. Silently, he stalked back to his sleeping mat, slowly sinking down and burying himself under the covers.

Never before had he seen something so… kinky? There wasn't really a word to describe what he had just witnessed. Earlier that evening Susumu had hidden himself in the fukuchou's living quarters, determined to catch the imposter when he was unaware. What he hadn't counted on though was seeing the real Hijikata, at least not in the way he did. For a moment he'd almost started to attack the couple – there was no way Hijikata would ever agree to be uke. However, once they reversed roles, Susumu had been stuck in there…watching his boss get laid. It would take years to erase that from his memory and at least hours to make the problem that had arisen go away.

The next morning, Hijikata discovered that he had woken up at least 30 minutes later than everyone else (usually he was the last one up, so this didn't surprise him). Many of his subordinates had already finished breakfast, while Souji, Shinpachi, Sanosuke, and Tetsunosuke seemed to be having a rowdy conversation from which the vice-chief could discern select words such as "candy", "children", and "hilarious". Susumu was sitting in the corner alone, apparently eager to leave the room since he started eating quickly as soon as Hijikata arrived. For a moment he started choking on the food he was inhaling, but quickly swallowed and left the room. Souji, who had been telling an energetic story involving many hand gestures, immediately discontinued when he realized Hijikata's presence.

"Ohayo, Hi-ji-ka-ta-san!" he said happily.

For a moment Hijikata stood there. A part of him was so glad to hear that sing-song welcome again as opposed to the gruff one he had received yesterday. Shinpachi and Sanosuke started snickering behind their hands at the vice-chief while Tetsunosuke was laughing out right. "What's so funny?" Hijikata grunted while taking a seat next to Souji.

Shinpachi and Sanosuke laughed harder before straightening up and looking serious. "I would hope that the children treated you well yesterday," Sanosuke said.

"Yes, we know how difficult it must have been playing 'pony' and handing out candy," Shinpachi said, nodding.

"Why you-" Hijikata growled, standing up out of his chair so he was towering over his subordinates.

"Wah! We were only joking Hijikata-san! Don't hurt us!" the two shouted and took off as Hijikata gave chase.

Souji sat there giggling with Tetsunosuke still laughing loudly. It took a moment for the youth to regain his composure before he could ask, "So did you like being vice-chief yesterday?"

For a moment Souji contemplated it before answering, "No. There are some things only Hijikata can do."

Tetsunosuke looked confused by this, but said nothing, and they sat watching as Hijikata exacted his revenge on the two jokers. Everything was back to the way it should be.

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Thank you for reading!