CHAPTER I:Crashing Dooku’s Purple Wedding

Luke Skywalker piloted his awesome X-Wing toward the Imperial headquarters on Char. “Thank you, Obi-Wan,” he said with a smile. It was through the Jedi Master’s magic that Luke was rapid-aged and reached adulthood within a year.

“Time to confront my father, Anakin Skywalker, but first...!” he kicked back a purple beer and wiped his purple lips. “...I have to pay a visit to an old friend, Count Dooku!”

Suddenly Jar Jar Binks burst into the cockpit wearing a clumsy assortment of gold-plated armor. “Me’sa sorry, Mas’ah Luke, but...”

“Damn it, Threepio!” Luke screamed, rocking angrily back and forth in his pilot’s chair. “Put the armor on like I told you!”

“Me’sa not understand! Me’sa Jar Jar, Mas’ah Luke, not a droid’sa!”

“Shut—! Shut it!” Luke’s eyes were bugging out. “I said do it! What’s your name!”

Jar Jar paused to think, weighing his options. “Me’sa Threepio, Mas’ah Luke. Mes’a, umm, solve differenshyul math problems.”

Luke picked up a purple blaster and shot a purple laser in Jar Jar’s general direction, putting a smoldering hole in the cockpit’s doorway. “Welcome to the Dark Side of the Force, Threepio!”

Inside, Jar Jar’s mind was racing. “Luke’sa gone insane’sa!” he thought. “I mus’ eliminate him ‘fore he endanger Mas’ah Obi-Wan’sa mission!”

Luke had returned to piloting the ship, taking no notice of Jar Jar as he mumbled to himself. He picked up another purple beer and laughed as he poured it onto the floor.

Jar Jar’s face flushed with red-hot anger. How dare the boy waste what he himself had payed for! He stalked cunningly behind Luke’s chair, unsheathing a long dagger from his purple fanny pack. “Relax’a, girl—breathe, breathe—is’ jus’ a little murder’sa...” He adjusted his girdle and prepared himself for the adrenaline rush.

He raised the dagger but stopped short. “No!” he thought. “Dissa crazy! I no can keell Mas’ah Luke!”

“Threepio! Another beer! Hurry up! Threepio? Don’t make me stop this damn thing!” Luke yelled. Before Jar Jar could react, Luke had put his foot on the X-Wing’s brake, causing Jar Jar to lurch forward and plunge the dagger into Luke’s skull.

“Oops!” said Jar Jar, mouth agape in horror. But suddenly, as he watched Luke die, the years of oppression he suffered under the Jedi council flashed before his eyes.

He pulled everything out of Luke’s pockets and stuffed it into his own. Almost without thinking, he decapitated Luke with his own light-saber and threw the head against the windshield.

Jar Jar pushed Luke’s body onto the floor and sat in the pilot’s chair. As soon as he did, the cock-pit door slid open. Jar Jar turned to see Obi-Wan standing in the doorway.

“Jar Jar!” Obi-Wan said, exasperated.

Jar Jar held his breath, in abject fear and embarrassment.

“You...you—... You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!” he said. Then he smiled and winked, and Jar Jar let out a sigh of relief.

CHAPTER II: Attack on Mudflap 2

Luke Skywalker woke with a start. A big purple band-aid was covering his neck.

“Do not be afraid, Luke,” said Obi-Wan the Grey. “Jar Jar slipped and cut your head off.”

“Uh!” Luke began, but Obi-Wan stopped him short.

“Hush, hush!” he said tenderly and pushed Luke back into a lying position. “I know what you’re thinking: Jar Jar is out to get you, but it’s simply not true! He’s gone now. You’re safe, you’re safe!”

Luke sighed in relief. Obi-Wan was so kind to him. He wanted to serve him corndogs at a Pod race. Someday. Obi-Wan would take the corndogs and eat them, then smile. “I put that smile there,” Luke would think. (Because of the corndogs that he served him.)

“Obi-chan...” Luke began. “There’s...something...I want...to tell you!”

Obi-Wan gave him a big corndog smile. “What is it, Luke?”

Suddenly Jar Jar leapt out from inside a closet and sliced Obi-Wan’s head off with a light-saber.

“Nooooo!” Luke cried, but he didn’t really care.

The End