FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
Peccavi
Author of 12 Stories |
Cyclamen
In no particular fashion, he would arrive in the home I have built and he would speak of many things that delight my ears. After all, he was well traveled in his youth as were I and the rest of the Titans. The only difference had been that he explored all Earth while I had never wandered farther than a battle in Jump City. I regret not doing as he had done for now I fear that I shall never get the opportunity to do so. When his visits began, it was quick but frequent. Now they have dwindled and an inexplicable weight keeps me flightless as of late.
I had known of tonight, his last visit.
Tonight I shall ask. I think resolutely, squaring my shoulders, as if in preparation for a battle. This is my last chance to discover the reason behind it. I hear the resounding click of the windows and his quiet thump as he lands on the floor. There is the expected moment of silence when he’s making certain that I am the only one present before he approaches me in his usual boyish fashion.
“Stayed up waiting for me, Star?” He ask easily. “I’m touched.” This is how it always was. He does not want anything out of ordinary to occur. I am expected to reply how I was unable to sleep, like I had the first time he entered through the windows.
“I was feeling a little restless.” I answer softly. “Would you care to accompany me until I sleep?”
“Only until he comes home.” Comes the reply as he walks leisurely over to the chair he favors to sit in.
“Where have you been? I have not been seeing you so often as of late.”
“So sorry,” He sinks into the chair and faces me. I can see the corners of his lips rising tensely. I dislike it greatly. It was false and I did not want that from anyone, especially not him. “I was in Europe for the past few months. I couldn’t come back and forth during the nights naturally.” He raises an eyebrow at me. “Why? Did you miss me that much?” His tone is teasing but I sense he is asking in earnest.
I did miss him during his absences. I stayed up waiting for his entrance nightly and felt very lonely when he did not appear. There were times I believed he had forgotten me and wept without control over my tears. I do not tell him this. I am upset at him for losing touch with me. A phone call or letters would have been sufficient and I received none. Because I was not on his mind at all, he did not deserve the knowledge that he was on my mind. “I felt your absence at times, but not so much that it disrupted my days.”
He does not respond as I anticipate he would in his usual, jester manner. In fact, he does not respond much at all. I wound him deeply with my words.
Tamaranians are able to pick up emotions quite easily given the correct conditions. This ability is heightened when they experience the same feelings. We are beings ruled by emotions, our powers take roots in them. It is very difficult to conceal how I feel around the people of Earth. They, on the other hand, have proven to be masters of stoicism; Robin especially. I can feel that his hurt and angry clearly because I am feeling the same things as well. My fingers crackle a bit with energy and I clench them together so that he would not be aware.
“Your hair is really long.” He says. I look up, startled. The purposeful change in discussion hurts me deeply.
“I am aware.” I reply. “Is it bad that my hair is long?”
“No, but isn’t it a pain to deal with, Star?” He asks in a way that makes it seem like he did not care for my answer.
“Robin likes it.” I answer and I see him flinch. It is true that over the years my hair grew longer. It was also true that Robin likes my long hair and so I allow it to remain. I cannot however, deny the cruelty of my words. I know of his resentment of Robin, and like many things in dealing with him, it is my fault.
“Of course,” He responds with a little bitterness.
It is tiring, playing his games. I do not want empty conversations. I do not want hurt feelings. But everything I do not want, I am receiving.
“I trust you’re doing well, Star? What’ve you been up to these days? Nothing too exhausting, right?”
“I am old,” I answer honestly, closing my eyes. I have changed everything now. Nothing is ordinary anymore. “I am unable to stand these conversations any longer. If your goal is for my last memory of you to be unpleasant, you are succeeding.”
He stands up. “I seem to have outworn my welcome.” He replies, nonchalant. “Time for me to leave then. See you later, Star.” He moves toward the windows and my heart splinters a bit.
“Do not lie!” I stand up as well, eyes glowing with anger. “I have never taken back your welcome into my home. It is you who does not intend to return!”
He stops walking, but does not turn to face me. Coward.
“Why?” I ask him, close to tears. “What has changed so that you cannot bear to stay?”
He turns toward me, eyes still masked. “What do you want me to say?” He asks, a bit angrily. “People change, things change, that’s how it is. They grow up, get married and move on! You can’t expect everyone to stay friends forever. Something gets in the way sooner or later. Always has, always will.”
“I do not accept that.” I state. “You promised me forever.”
He runs his hand through his scruffy red hair. “I was young, Star! Do you even know how long forever is?”
“Forever is never ending.” I answer immediately. “It means that we will always be friends.”
“That’s just so like you.” He replies with narrow eyes. “Always. Forever. Words that you use with no idea of how idealistic they are. Forever means that time does matter. For Tamaranians, that may be the case since your people live so damn long, but the people of Earth are affected by time. We cannot comprehend forever because we can never live to see it through.”
He is hurting me on purpose. I start to cry. “I do not live forever Speedy. I am touched by time as well, even if you cannot see.”
“I haven’t been Speedy in a long time.” He says this evenly. I cannot recognize him when he is like this. “It’s Arsenal now. Another thing that time has changed about me.”
“You will always be Speedy to me.” I declare resolutely. “People do not change so much that friends can no longer recognize each other!”
“You shouldn’t get yourself so worked up, Star,” He says blankly. His eyes lower on my body. “It’s bad for the baby.”
I gasp, my hands rising to my slightly rounded stomach. I forgot that I was ordered to stay calm. What if I had harmed my child? “As you see, I am not the only one who has changed.” His voice is close. I look up to see that he is towering over me. “You’ve changed as well, Star.”
He is leaving. I cannot help but tear more. “You are my dearest friend, Speedy.” I say, refusing to call him by any other name. “I do not wish to lose you.”
He holds my arms and guides me to my room. “It’s late, you need some sleep.” I am too tired to argue. He lifts my sheets and eases me into bed before tucking me in. “You’ll feel better in the morning, I promise.” He says with his incomplete smile. It is a sad smile, so unlike the ones I am use to receiving. I realize now that he does not wish to leave me as well. Why then, would he leave if he knows I desire him to stay? I do not ask him this. There is still the question I need to ask.
“Why do you call me Star?”
He laughs a bit. I sense he is confused. “It’s your name, silly. Would you rather I called you Blackfire?”
I frown. Speedy knows I dislike my sister. I am tired and know I will not stay awake much longer so I do not argue. “My name is Starfire. You have never called me so before.”
He does not say anything. He will not give me my answer. I sigh, defeated, and turn my head to rest. He will no longer be there when I awake.
“I call you Star,” He begins, even as my eyes closed. I struggle to listen, struggle against sleep. “Because you chose Robin instead of me.” I feel him turn the ring I wear on my left hand. “It is for this reason that I must leave you to your life with him.”
I want to tell him otherwise. I can live with Robin and keep him as a friend. I do not wish for him to leave me! By then however, my eyes have glazed and I can do nothing of the sort. The baby is tired and it makes me tired in turn.
My last effort was in vain. I move to hold his hand but only grasp the sheets of the bed.
----------
I wake up with Robin by my side. He had been working late with the other Titans again. I look at him, noticing the weary lines on his face. He is touched by time as well. Strange how I notice this now. I glance at his left hand, at the ring I had placed on him long ago. It feels warm from his heat and I am comforted. Looking around, I see a vase with purple flowers inside. How thoughtful of him.
Robin stirs behind me and I feel his hand squeeze mine. “Morning.” He yawns, opening his eyes a bit. They are foggy with sleep. He had allowed me to see his eyes when I agreed to be his betrothed. They are a nice shade of blue. I think they are his best features.
“Good morning dear husband.” I greets warmly. I do not need to face him to know he is smiling.
“How are you and the baby?” He questions, rubbing my stomach tenderly.
“We are well.” I answer, still looking at the flowers. “What species of plants are those?”
He lifts his head slightly to look at them. Odd how he does not respond immediately. He should know it already.
“They appear to be cyclamens.” He answers after a while. “Who gave them to you?”
My heart pauses. Robin did not give them to me. “I had found them and thought them pretty.” I reply awkwardly. I do not excel at lies. “Do you not like them?”
“They’re nice and all,” he assures me as he rises to shower. “But they’re kind of sad. People give them to other people when they say goodbye.”
I stay in bed, staring at the plants. He truly did not intend to return. My eyes hurt from the tears. I get up carefully to look at my last gift up close.
They are small and fragile, like human life. Like Robin. Like Speedy. Or is it like my relationship with them both?
Speedy will not come back to me. There will be no more visits. Sighing, I realize it will take some time to rid my habit of waiting for his visits.
The bathroom door slides open and I turn to see Robin emerge. His hair is damp and sticking up everywhere. I smile. He looks very handsome. He sees me and grins in return, laughing a bit. “You never change, do you?”
I do not understand what he means. I ask him to clarify.
“You’re always afraid that Rekmas will come on this day and ready to decorate everyone with those bead necklaces. Let me dress first before you throw one on me okay?” He replies with good humor. I look down and see the traditional tinnabula around my neck. Overwhelmed, I clutch the nightstand so I would not fall. My fingers come in contact with a card. I take it in my hands and sit down on my bed.
It was silly to be afraid of what it said. I open it.
In Speedy’s scratchy handwriting, Happy Blorthog Starfire.
It was not until the birth of my child that I am able to fly again.
Disclaimer: Teen Titans the animated series belong to Glen Murakami in association with Cartoon Network and Warner Bros.
:
:
:
:
