A Bridge That I Gotta Burn

Epilogue

Two years later, Sarah got her wedding.

Bart, gentleman that he was, got not only Sarah's parents' permission, but her brothers' and Jared's too, before proposing by the fountain in the park under the stars. She cried so hard, she could only nod her consent.

The wedding itself was contemporary (but, of course, Jewish) with Jared serving as Sarah's 'Man of Honor.' She knew his health was deteriorating and he was humiliated by the growths on his face and neck, signaling the start of a slow and painful death, but she also knew he wouldn't be able to deny this request, no matter how silly. So he stood at her side, kissing her cheek like her father and brothers before releasing her from his care and into Bart's capable hands.

At the reception, Jared took Sarah aside and whispered, "I kept my promise, didn't I?"

She stroked his hair and smiled. "Barely."

"The doctors say it's touch and go from here on out. I could have anywhere from a month to a year."

"You have to wait at least six more months," her dark eyes were pleading, and when Noah approached them, gently taking Jared's hand, she told him, "Keep him around for six months, okay?"

"Why?" Noah asked; he'd turned twenty a few months before, but still held the innocent and bold look of a sixteen year-old.

Sarah grinned, pressing Jared's free hand against her belly. "You have to see my baby."

"Sarah, a baby takes nine- Oh my God!" Jared leapt away with a shout, making both boyfriend and best friend laugh. "And you didn't tell me before this?"

"I only found out a few days ago," she giggled, delighted with her surprise. "Bart and I decided to announce it after we got back from the honeymoon, but I couldn't keep it from you that long."

Jared grinned and hugged her close; she hugged back, but not as tight; he felt so frail. She could only pray he'd last that long.

---

Six months later, Noah arrived at the hospital for two homecomings: Sarah and Bart's little girl, and Jared.

The baby was ready to go back to the apartment her parents lived in, sleep in her room for the first time, to start her new life. Jared was coming home with Noah to finish his.

When Noah arrived in the hospital, the entire Jacobs family was already in the lobby, including Jared. He struggled to keep his smile; he'd visited Jared daily while the nurses kept him on machines, and still, every time, it hurt to see Jared in so much pain. And in a more selfish light, Noah was frightened, aware that he would be there someday soon. Jared had found the lesions on Noah's chest the last time they'd made love (was it really as long ago as it seemed?), and the older boy had started to cry, and had told Noah to at least attempt to stick around.

"Why bother trying? I want to be with you."

"You're so young. Try to find someone else."

"Seven years without you is too long. You're my soulmate. I won't live without you."

And Jared had kissed him, a message without words."

But now, Jared was in a wheelchair, pale and deathly thin, quite a contrast from his also-wheelchair-bound best friend, bright and glowing with maternal joy.

He was holding the baby, and Noah knelt next to him, kissing his elbow, smiling at the pretty infant. Already, she looked like her mother.

Noah glanced up at Jared, and was struck by the similar contrast: a dying man holding a newborn baby. They were both so frail, right on the edge of the world. Sarah's daughter was taking her first steps on the path of life; Jared was waiting to end his journey, and they had managed to pass each other on the way, mother and best friend becoming a link.

Jared turned and smiled at Noah. Noah smiled back.

"What did you decide to name her?" Ruth asked, a two-year-old with her dark skin and David's blue eyes clinging to the hem of her skirt. Bart reached to retrieve his daughter, breaking Noah's enchantment with the visual circle of life.

"We actually asked Jared to name her," he explained, cradling the baby in his arms. "We thought it was only right."

Right in what way? Noah couldn't help thinking. Because he's dying and you feel sorry for him? How is that right?

But Jared didn't seem to mind; he was smiling up at the little Lilken family (he joked darkly about how he couldn't get used to calling her Sarah Lilken, and was glad he wouldn't have to do it for very long).

"What did you name her, then?" Ruth asked Jared, hoisting her own son off the floor.

Jared took Noah's hand, slowly intertwining their fingers; Noah fought back tears. They'd tried so hard to be together, pushed so much. Noah had given up his family and his fortune for Jared, fully aware that their time together was short. He'd given it all up anyway; it wasn't worth it without Jared. But even after all the fighting, it was over so soon. How much longer did Jared have? He couldn't keep this up forever.

"Anna Leigh," Jared answered finally, leaning to the side, a silent signal for Noah to lean in, nuzzle their faces together. "Isn't it pretty?"

Sarah raised an eyebrow. "Anna Leigh," she mused. "Isn't that what you wanted to name your own daughter, back when we were kids?"

"If I could've had a daughter, sure."

Noah looked at him, pouting slightly. "We could've adopted."

"No, we couldn't have," Jared laughed. "You're too young for that, Noah. Plus, how long before she would've been back at the orphanage, huh?"

Everyone went silent, and, wincing, Noah hissed, "Don't talk like that."

"It's true, isn't it? Why avoid it when it's staring me right in the face?"

Noah frowned. "I hate when you talk like that."

"You won't have to deal with it much longer."

Noah clenched his teeth, standing up and gripping the handles of Jared's wheelchair. "We'll discuss this at home."

Jared waved good-bye to the others, smiling and wishing Sarah the best of luck, and even attempting to get into the car on his own. This proved difficult, as Jared was extremely weak; he stumbled, and nearly fell into the car, but Noah caught him, eased him in.

"What are you going to do when you're in my position, and I'm not here to help you?"

Noah's grip tightened on the steering wheel. "Jared, shut up."

"You need to face this, Noah-"

"What do you think I'm doing, mate?" Over the years, Noah's accent had begun to fade, but in his angry moments, like this, it shone, adding further spice to his hot temper. "How can I look at you and not be consistently reminded that you sit on the edge of death and, goddammit, I'm next?"

Jared was quiet.

"I mean... you always talk about how young I am. 'Oh, Noah, you're just a kid.' 'You're only twenty.' 'You can't even drink legally!' Okay, fine. Maybe I'm young biologically. But what about how old I feel?"

"How old do you feel, Noah?" Jared was riding out the storm: however old he felt, Noah was young, with all the passionate fury of the young, which Jared had somehow lost sight of around age twenty-three.

Noah breathed for a moment, hands fidgeting over the wheel. "... I feel old," he said finally, in a pouty voice that betrayed his awareness of the stupidity of his reply. "I haven't done very much because I haven't lived very long, but the weight of it just presses down on me. And I feel old."

Jared nodded slowly. "I know."

"And seeing you holding that baby girl, well, I just felt... cheated."

"I know."

"Jared." Noah pulled into a space in their apartment complex and turned his head to look at his lover. The elder's face was hollow, pale, marred by lesions. Noah pressed his palm against Jared's cheek, letting Jared clutch his arm, stroking his inner wrist with his thumb. "I don't want to live without you."

"We've talked about this," Jared said calmly. "Think about how much I did in the time after Ricky."

"That was different. Ricky was a pawn to get you infected. Sorry, but it's true. I'm your soulmate."

"But how do you know I'm yours?" Jared smiled despite Noah's scowl.

"I just know. Okay?" He threw open the door, obviously sulking, and Jared sighed. Even he wasn't sure why he continued to provoke Noah. He didn't mean to, but sometimes it was just too easy. Noah might be angry because Jared was dying, or maybe Jared was trying to make a better case as to why Noah should move on.

Though, he thought as he slid out of the car and into the open wheelchair, letting Noah push him to the elevator indoors, he wasn't entirely sure why he wanted Noah to move on. A part of him was happy that Noah felt that loyal to him, that he was still wearing the ring Jared had bought him. Mostly. though, he just wanted Noah to be happy. That was all.

So why did he keep trying to piss him off?

When Noah reached out to open the door, Jared grabbed his hand and looked up at him.

"I'm sorry, Noah."

And the younger boy stared at him, skin crinkling under his eyes, sadness and fright; he was still so young.

"I know." He bit his lip and opened the door. "I know. It's okay."

---

"Sarah, did you get the message Noah left?"

Sarah winced, lifting her three-month old into her arms before going back to the front room, where Bart was standing by the phone.

"Did you?" he repeated. She bit her lip, gently bouncing Anna.

"... Yeah."

"And did you call him back? He sounded kinda anxious."

Sarah hesitated; she had called Noah back, however reluctantly. Jared was fading fast, and he wanted to see Sarah and baby Anna as soon as possible. But Sarah was afraid; she didn't want to see Jared like that, nor was she ready to face their final visit. Twenty years was not enough.

Bart tilted his head to the side. "Sarah, you have to go see him."

"Bart, did you see how he looked last time we went over?" she demanded finally. "He's just... falling apart before my eyes and-"

Her husband's hands fell over her shoulders, heavy and comforting. "That's why you have to go," he whispered. "I know you're scared, but how do you think he's feeling?"

Sarah looked at the floor; Noah had mentioned that too. Jared was tired and in pain, but it seemed he wasn't going to go until he said good-bye to Sarah.

She clutched her daughter tight to her chest.

"... Okay. I'll go over tomorrow."

Bart smiled and kissed her forehead, passing an adoring gaze over his pretty baby. "That's my girl."

---

Sarah was surprised to find the door unlocked when she arrived at Noah and Jared's the following afternoon.

"Hello?" she called quietly, placing baby Anna's carrier on the floor and removing her jacket. "Noah? Jared?"

No answer. She took Anna out of her carrier and held her close, heart beating rapidly. This wasn't normal. The TV or radio should be on, at least; she remembered from years before that Noah was not fond of silence.

"Guys? Are you here?" She wandered further inside, peeking into the bathroom, the storage room, and the bedroom where she found both boys asleep in each others arms, no covers pulled down, all clothes still on. She shook hair out of her face and stepped into the room; something wasn't right.

Neither one of the boys looked entirely healthy; Jared had given up his stupid 'Go out and live without me' argument a month ago, after finally noticing how far gone Noah was. Both had grey-pale skin, hollowed eyes and protruding bones. Sarah ached for them, and set sleeping Anna in the bassinet Noah had bought to keep in their apartment, should Bart and Sarah ever need away time.

"Guys?" she murmured, shaking Noah. "Hey, come on. It's me."

Noah opened his eyes, watching her blearily for a moment before sitting up and rubbing his eyes; they looked a little red, she noticed. Puffy. As if he'd been crying.

Oh no.

She leaned back. "Noah." It came out in a rushed, cracked breath, her eyes locked on him. "He didn't."

Noah shut his eyes as if in pain, one hand over his face as he tilted his head back, then down; a nod. "He asked me to lie down with him. He said he just wanted to hold me for a while, and I did, and... I..." He inhaled, squealing slightly. "He knew, and I knew, and he told to say goodbye to you for him, and I started crying, and he just smiled and kissed me and promised to wait for me, and I'm sorry, I can't-" and the poor boy fell, face-down on the bed, shoulders shaking with tears he couldn't hold back, and Sarah lay down over him, clutching the thin jersey he wore, Jared's from high school, and she sobbed with him, his fingers gripping the bedsheets, her hands trying to comfort, moving over his back, feeling every vertebrae, and they lay there like that for a long time, Jared gone beside them, not moving, not breathing. Just there. Like a stone. Like Jared had never been and wasn't supposed to be. And it felt like the crying would never stop; Sarah rambled that she was jealous Noah was there for his last moments, and Noah admitted his jealousy over Sarah's twenty years compared to his meager two.

And they held each other. It wasn't enough, but it was something.

There was nothing else they could do anymore.

---

The funeral came the following week. Noah looked destroyed; Sarah couldn't remember Jared being that upset over Ricky. Nor did she think Noah would see the end of the month; he looked terrible, and his heartbreak combined with the disease would probably end it quickly.

This was probably for the better.

He was supposed to go to the hospital after the funeral, but insisted Sarah sit with him by the grave for a while. Bart waited for an uncomfortable moment before kissing Sarah's cheek and taking Anna back to the car to wait.

"Noah, I know you're upset, but-"

"He wanted me to tell you not to name the kids after us."

Sarah blinked once, eyebrows raised; sure, she'd considered naming her son after Jared, if she ever had one; they'd talked about that before, and Jared had been flattered then. Of course, that had been before his diagnosis, but still. And she hadn't been sure about a Noah Jr. or not, though the idea had crossed her mind.

"He said it wouldn't be fair to name them that way, 'cause then they'd always be around to remind you of him, and make you sad."

Sarah raised her head, looking up at the sky; it was inappropriately lovely, blue skies and fluffy clouds, singing birds. The wind rustled tree leaves, and it seemed more the day for a picnic than a funeral.

"What if being reminded of him makes me happy?"

Noah glanced at her, twiddling a white rose between his fingers. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, sure, I miss him and I'm sad now. But eventually that sadness will fade and I'll have my happy memories again. Going with him to junior prom, sleepovers from middle school, birthdays, family outings." She ruffled Noah's hair. "Isn't that what makes him immortal?"

Noah stared for a moment more before turning his blue eyes downward. "I won't have time to get over it. I'll have those sad memories until I die."

"But you're immortal in me too. And if Jared's that big a part of you, then he'll just be more immortal. See?"

"Am I immortal in you?" She blinked; he never had lost that ability to cut you off and surprise you with the question you hadn't expected.

"Of course you are. I remember the night we met, your eighteenth birthday, the party with Ruth and David. I remember movies, and the family outings you came to. I lived with you for a year and a half, remember? How could I not have thousands of good memories?"

He twirled the rose, it's color striking against his rain-grey skin. She put her hand on his wrist.

"Your love is immortal too," she whispered. "I remember everything about you two; your love for each other will never die. Anna will know when she's old enough. So will whatever siblings she has."

His fingers stopped fidgeting, and he sighed heavily before dropping the rose into the grave, letting it fall onto Jared's casket to be buried with him after everyone was gone.

"Thank you, Sarah," he whispered shakily, turning to look at her, eyes still as strikingly blue as the night they met, no matter how tired or broken-hearted or defeated he was.

And, for Sarah, it was enough.

END

.:AUTHOR'S NOTE:.

See? Bittersweet. What did I tell you? But you shouldn't expect any different by this point.

RENT equals JOYGASM. I've never cried that hard or that often at a movie. Ever. If you haven't seen it yet, goddammit, get off your ass and go. Seriously. It's amazing. I'm going again tonight with some friends. Hooray!

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed the story. I give you my bow, and will see you again... when I start writing something again. Um. We'll see. Aha. Ta, and don't forget to review!