|The Mary Sues Cometh
Author: citygirl1116 PM
A lesser known Hogwarts class teaches new students what they really need to survive at school. A citygirl1116® parody!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Parody/Humor - Harry P. - Chapters: 9 - Words: 9,047 - Reviews: 571 - Favs: 405 - Follows: 213 - Updated: 06-17-07 - Published: 07-28-05 - id: 2507679
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Good evening class. As you are all aware, the Sue lessons have been on a temporary hiatus due to unforeseen circumstances (known as "Citygirl got a life."). However, due to the release of a new Harry Potter book and movie this summer, we can expect a deluge of new Authors and new Sues. Thus, this teacher would be remiss if she did not prepare students for this by including a lesson on what many believe to be the most insidious and evil of all the Sues: The Canon!Sue.
Don't be fooled by the myth that if a story contains no Original Characters it can't have Mary Sues. Quite the contrary, it is often these Canon!Sues that are the worst offenders. The main categories of Canon!Sue are Hermione!Sue and Ginny!Sue, and these are the Sues we will be focusing on in this lesson.
Let's begin with the ever-popular Hermione!Sue.
Possible Aliases: Hermione Jane Granger, Hermoine (I will not list all possible variations on spelling, as I estimate there are 20,160 ways it can be misspelled, and somewhere at some time, they have all been used), Mione, Mia, Mya, Hermione Malfoy, Hermione Riddle, Hermione Potter, Princess Hermione of SomeMadeUpCountry, Professor Snape's sex kitten, name created using the Generic Suename Template (see Footnote 1).
Parents: Mr. and Mrs. Granger (D.D.S). But more often than not Hermione!Sue is adopted. Her real parents might include but are not limited to: Voldemort, the Malfoys, James and Lily Potter, and Death Eaters, any member of a Royal family (real or imagined).
Her Story: The reader unacquainted with fanfic might think we already know this from reading the Harry Potter books, but a seasoned professional knows it would be foolish to assume all fanfiction authors are capable of reading. Students should not that these stories do not feature Hermione, but Hermione!Sue whose story will differ from the real Hermione's in many ways, including but not limited to:
1.) Her parents will either meet a tragic end or reveal she was adopted (and then meet a tragic end).
2.) She has a long-lost sibling, most likely a twin.
3.) She will receive a makeover, which will eliminate her bushy hair, as well as 50 IQ points and any semblance of character originality.
4.) Harry and Ron will cease to exist, unless one (or both) of them is her love interest.
5.) Lots of sex.
6.) And more sex.
Love Interests: Everyone. No, really. Including but not limited to: Ron (a glimmer of canon makes me weep with joy…) Harry, Draco, Boy!Blaise, Snape, Remus, Fred and/or George, other older Weasley brothers. In the case of the more rare but not unheard of Lesbian!Hermione!Sue, may also include Ginny, Luna, Parvati, Lavender, Cho Chang, or Pansy Parkinson.
Other Defining Charcteristics: A huge rack. No, seriously, for some reason a recurring theme in these fics is that there is mention made of Hermione!Sue's enormous breasts. If I didn't know better, the starring role of Hermione!Sue's décolletage would make me think these things were written by 14-year-old boys. There is also a troubling frequency of the phrase "curves in all the right places."
May Be Combined With: TragicPast!Sue, Rebel!Sue.
Possible Aliases: Ginny Weasley, Ginevra Weasley, Virginia Weasley, Gin (which I frequently need to drink to get through these fics…), Princess Ginevra, name created using the Generic Suename Template. (see footnote 1).
Parents: Arthur and Molly Weasley, Voldemort and red-haired woman, various made-up members of royalty, Lily Evans and various people (the red hair factor, I guess.)
Her Story: Again, do not assume that because Ginny appears in canon that you know Ginny!Sue's story. The aspects you did not know about may include:
1.) Her makeover. While we've never had any indication Ginny isn't pretty, she will of course require a makeover to get the heavy make-up and skanky clothes required by a Mary Sue.
2.) The fact that she is adopted, despite looking exactly like the rest of the Weasley family.
3.) Her amazing sex life…in fanfic, that fact that Ginny has dated in canon automatically means she's getting laid. A lot.
4.) She's a "rebel," which means she wears skanky clothes, talks back to her parents, drinks, listens to teen angst music, and has a secret yearning for Draco Malfoy.
5.) Sex. Lots of it.
Love Interests: Harry (while you might think that represents homage to canon, I will indicate that this Harry bears no resemblance to canon Harry, but rather is all sexy and chiseled), Draco (I think Authors think they're pulling a Romeo and Juliet thing with throwing together characters from feuding families, but I think it gives them too much credit to compare with Shakespeare. And I highly doubt Romeo ever called Juliet "babe"), Oliver Wood, Ron (what can I say, some people are perverts), Tom Riddle, Voldemort (post-transformation to a creepy nose-less bald guy).
Other Defining Characteristics: A huge rack. Yes, again. An "attitude", hordes of lust-crazed men following her, a "hidden dark side."
May Be Combined With: Rebel!Sue, Dark!Sue.
First name: made up and random
2nd name: made up and random
3rd name: made up and random
4th name: random combination of mysterious and profound words
5th name: obscure connection to canon
Last name: random combination of mysterious and profound words
(Example name created using the Generic Suename Template: Clarissina Amarindna Edenamarie Truthlight Riddle Darkhorizon ...and that's just off the top of my head)