How Do I Live?
By Misha

Disclaimer: These characters are the property of NBC, Aaron Sorkin, or whoever. I'm not writing this for profit in any way, shape, or form, but because I have a lot of spare time on my hands.

Author's Notes- This is the third story in my "Letting Go" series. This series is an alternate to Rosslyn and is based on two short stories of mine, "Remembrance" and "Tradition". This is the back-story to those pieces. The series itself is very angsty and full of tragic twists and turns. Sorry, I'm a sucker for melodrama. Oh, and it's set in an alternate world were Josh and Donna were involved all through out the first season, okay? Also, this one is set right after the shooting, but it's been forever since I've seen either WKoDHTB or ItSoTG, so I just basically made things up. After all, this is pretty much an AU. Anyway, I hope you like it!

Couples- Josh/Donna

Spoilers- What Kind of Day Has This Been and In the Shadow of Two Gun Men 1&2

Rating- PG-13

---

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" C.J asked Donna softly.

"No." Donna told her. "How could I ever be ready for my fiancé's funeral? But I'll cope."

"I wish I could say it won't be that bad, but I can't." C.J said bluntly. "There'll be a lot of media attention and most of it will be focused on you. The beautiful fiance Josh left behind."

"You mean they won't focus on the fact that I was his assistant?" Donna said bitterly. "After all, he's dead, so now what would have been bad-mouthed, is a tragic romance."

"I'm sorry." C.J said softly.

Donna smiled slightly. "It's okay. I understand that it's the way it works. I've lived in this town long enough to know that."

"It sucks." C.J agreed. "But you'll have all of us there."

"I know." Donna said softly. "That's the only reason that I think I can do this. I couldn't do it alone."

"You won't have to." C.J assured her. "You won't be alone at all tomorrow. There'll be someone at your side at all times." C.J paused. "Sam would like to escort you into the Cathedral, Leo will escort Mrs. Lyman."

Donna nodded. "That's fine. I think I'll probably be grateful for someone to cling to."

"I can imagine." C.J said, reaching out to hug Donna. "Just know that you aren't alone, we're all here for you."

"I know." Donna whispered. "It's the one reason I think I'll survive this. I know I couldn't do it on my own."

---

The next day, Donna felt as if the whole world was falling apart on her. Only by sheer will was she managing to hold it together.

"How you hanging in there?" Sam whispered, as he sat next to her during the service.

Donna just shrugged, her eyes glued to the casket containing the man she loved. Joshua Jaccob Lyman returned to the Earth at the age 38. It didn't seem real or possible that tomorrow she would fly to Connecticut and watch as he was lowered into the ground, his life forever ended.

Their life together over before it really had a chance to begin. She thought of all their plans. The wedding and the children, the lifetime together that they had dreamed about.

She and Josh were supposed to have a life together, instead she was sitting here listening to people eulogise the man she had loved, their life together nothing more than a dream that could never come true. She had found her Prince Charming in Josh and thought she had found her happily ever after, but she should have known that fairy tales never came true.

---

"Sam?"

Sam turned to see Mallory there. "Hey." He greeted, accepting the hug she offered.

"How are you doing?" She asked softly.

"I'm hanging in there." He told her. "Mostly, I'm just keeping an eye out for Donna."

"How's she doing?" Mallory asked.

"Badly." Sam told her. "BUt what can you expect? She was supposed to be planning a wedding, not a funeral." "

I had no idea they were even together, let alone engaged." Mallory admitted.

"It was a well kept secret." Sam told her. "But I thank God that they were, because at least they got to experience a little bit of happiness together."

"Yeah, it makes you think." Mallory said softly. "Sam, I know this isn't the time or place, but give me a call sometime."

Sam nodded. "Okay."

She gave him another hug and walked away.

---

"Donna, how are you doing?" President Bartlett asked her.

Donna gave him a sad smile. "Badly." She told him. "I just-It's Josh. How are you doing Mr. President?"

She knew that he had been released early, on his own command, to attend the funeral.

"I'll be fine." He told her. "Don't worry about me. Now Donna, this isn't the time, but I want to assure you that we'll always have a place for you here at the WHite House."

"Thank you, Sir." Donna said softly. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't imagine working here without Josh."

"None of us can." Jed told her honestly. "But we can't imagine this place without you either, Donna, we'll mix up the staff a little bit, do some shuffling, so you'll be comfortable, but we want you to stay."

"Can I think about it?" She asked softly.

"Of course." He told her. "I didn't mean to pressure you, it's natural that you have other things on your mind." He took her hand in his. "We all miss him, Donna, it's not going to be the same without him."

"No." Donna agreed sadly, accepting the hug that he offered. "It won't."

She wondered how she was going to survive the coming days, weeks, years without him. How was she possibly going to find the strength to go on?