PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Dr. Kavenaugh’s accusations

You don’t honestly believe the tripe the lad’s been spouting, do you? He came to the infirmary with a piece of metal in his miserable arse, squealed like a stuck pig, and then had the nerve to scream bloody malpractice when I tried to inject the local anesthetic. Obviously I do take my oath seriously, because he’d be a bloomin’ porcupine otherwise!

I will include all of the details in my official report. Hopefully that will be the end of this nonsense.

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MEMO

TO: Colonel Steven Caldwell, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Incident Report

The following is from my official documentation of Dr. Kavenaugh’s infirmary visit:

Dr. K. is a 32 year old male with no significant past medical history who presents for care following an unfortunate accident. The patient reports that he was attempting to use his toilet when he heard a loud, gurgling noise. Immediately following this, the toilet facilities exploded. The patient suffered a secondary blast injury when a metal shard became embedded in the lateral aspect of the right gluteus maximus muscle

X-rays of the affected area revealed no involvement of the pelvic bones or lumbar spine. Therefore the decision was made to remove the pipe shrapnel under local anesthesia. At this point, the patient became argumentative and insisted upon receiving general anesthesia rather than a “jab in the butt.” The dangers of this alternative approach (e.g. respiratory depression, anesthetic reactions) were explained to the patient, who verbalized understanding.

After the area was prepped and draped in the usual sterile fashion, an attempt was made to infiltrate the skin with 1 percent lidocaine. At this point, the patient once again became belligerent. Since he was threatening the sterility of the surgical site and exposing himself to the risk of infection, he was firmly instructed to avoid unnecessary movement.

Once the surgical site was anesthetized, a 5-mm incision was made medial to the entry wound so that the entire length of the foreign body could be exposed. Sterile forceps were then used to extract a 3 centimeter metal sliver. The superficial wound was flushed with sterile saline, one gram of cephalexin was administered as prophylaxis against infection, and a sterile dressing was applied to the incision site.

As you can see, all of the necessary and proper steps were taken to ensure patient safety. The standard of care was adhered to at all times, and the outcome was satisfactory. There is clearly no malpractice claim to be made here. Res ipsa loquitur.

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PRIVATE MEMO

TO: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

FROM: Dr. Carson Beckett

RE: Legal terminology

You are correct in that res ipsa loquitur means “the facts speak for themselves.” I once dated an American law student, who taught me many things. Aye, she was a bonnie lass!