Memos Foaly Never Thought He would have to Write

January 13, 14:02:

The hundred-ingots-a-pop lab rats are not “good with mustard.”

February 15, 13:01:

Stop that, I can hear you from here.

March 2, 12:08:

The green goo seeping through the walls is NOT toxic. Furthermore, do NOT eat it.

December 20, 9:05:

This year’s holiday bonuses will be received in the form of ketchup packets. Blame Logistics for over-ordering and screwing up the company budget.

April 13, 19:07:

No more nut products in that area with the thing near the water cooler because what’s-his-face is allergic.

June 11, 16:05:

Human Resources has introduced Bring Your Kid to Work Day. Please do not bring children that are not yours just to convince everyone that you got laid at least once.

May 22, 9:04:

Good news everyone! Rabies shots are covered by the LEP health plan. Stew’s memorial service will be held today at twelve.

August 23, 12:05:

Please do not play with the electromagnets. Nowhere in your job description does it say you have to search your coworkers for hidden piercings.

November 12, 13:04:

Covering the outsides of doors with Saran wrap is in no way amusing.

October 13, 9:06:

If you’re going to fudge your projections, at least factor the laws of gravity into your fake calculations.

August 24, 15:07:

If anyone knows the name of the guy with that stupid haircut who smells like beets and thinks people care about his cat, tell him he’s fired.

April 14, 20:05:

Company drug testing is next week. I’ve filled out a few pink slips in advance. You know who you are.

July 23, 13:05:

Fire alarms are not toys, despite their red and shiny appearance.

June 12, 10:05:

No more playing hide-the-eppy-pen. Greg’s memorial service will be held at one.

January 2, 7:05:

St. Monday is not a real saint, nor is his alleged feast day a recognized holiday. Neither is St. Hangover. Get to work.

May 5, 14:02:

Ignore the human. She’s just doing it to get attention.

October 12, 14:51:

The shredders were installed in this office to deal with paper. Not shoes, not food, and most definitely not body parts. The get-well card for Mark is in the employee lounge. Sign it.

November 17, 20:21:

It is NOT necessary to inform the Recon Squad how many safety tests the new Dragonflies required to pass inspection.

April 22, 9:01:

Apparently it’s Secretary Day today, whatever that means. Please note that any form of hugging, touching, or condescending congratulations offered to the secretaries will result in a sexual harassment complaint and lots of paperwork for me. Ignore the secretaries as usual.

January 12, 11:05:

A department-wide safety briefing is scheduled for three-o-clock. Those who don’t show will be hunted down and used as demonstration models.

June 30, 9:08:

It is not necessary to put the interns on leashes or shock collars.