|The Great and Perilous Battle
Author: azyrian PM
A twist on the battle to come. Minor slash pairing GoyleVoldypants. Rated K for minor swearing, gore, dumb stuff, and horrendous but hilarious deaths. oh, and rampaging hippogriffs. OneShotRated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Tragedy - Harry P. & Voldemort - Words: 2,523 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Published: 08-06-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2522213
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
heheh...this was just an idea I got while searching through the many weird couples out there. And I found a new ending for something...you'll just have to find out.
There is a weird slash in here, um, to be more specific, Lord Voldypants and Goyle. I asked my sister to randomly name a male Harry Potter character and she picked Goyle first. Thus, this pairing. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything not previously owned by me. Basically everyone and thing in this story.
The wonderful and strange people reading this owe many ideas from this story to Wickedly-Wonderful, who gave me random and hilarious ideas while writing this. So there. instant messaging is a wonderful thing...
WARNING: This story is a one-shot and that only. oh, and there is going to be a lot of gory, intense, dumb, and hilarious stuff. Extra on gory and dumb though. And only because Ms. Poofty requested it.
The Great and Perilous Battle
Chapter: The one and only.
So this is where it ended and began. This is the place where people would die for the greater good, or die for nothing at all. The big showdown, the final shabang, and the last scuffle would all occur at Godric's Hollow. Everyone that was closest to Harry and still alive stood by his side, and the same went for Voldemort.
Harry knew he was coming; the white-hot tingle in his scar grew as the Dark Lord approached, and he warned all of his fellow comrades. Most of them were standing in the empty living room of his parent's old house. Fred and George were in the adjacent dining room, which was open to the living room as well. Bill and Charlie were keeping an eye out for Voldemort in case he decided to use the door. Ron, Hermione and Ginny stood beside Harry and Hagrid, wands out and at the ready. Buckbeak was stationed outside the door, ready to attack anyone dumb enough not to bow before they approached. Fawkes was perched high in a dead tree, lurking, like a vulture waiting for its prey. Surprisingly, Percy had come and offered his help not long before they had come here, and was now located around the corner from the door, for use of surprise attacks. They were all here, and they were as ready as they would ever be.
Voldemort was surprisingly...cheerful today. He was fully prepared to counteract any spells that wretched brat and his stupid friends sent his way, so he was feeling rather confident that he would succeed and fulfill the Prophecy. His remaining and most faithful supporters were by his side, and would be key elements to his triumph. Everyone Apparated just outside of Godric's Hollow; Voldemort thought he could at least use the door before killing everyone in the house.
As Voldemort and his followers walked up the drive to the house, two red-headed men sprang forth from the bushes lining the driveway and started firing random curses. They missed most of the time, but one of the stunning curses hit Bellatrix and she went down like a sack of potatoes. Luckily, Snape had taught all the Death Eaters and Voldemort himself about his own special curse. One cry of 'Sectumsempra!' and the taller of the men was down, writhing on the ground. It was a sickly sight for the weak-stomached; his intestines were spilling out of the large gash in his chest, and his ribcage was slightly visible. Blood drained from his body and began to gather around the weakening body before it slowly slid down the incline. The dark liquid stained the ground and collided with the Death Eaters' feet; but none of them moved.
"Bill!" The other man cried, before Voldemort performed the Cruciatus Curse on him, unleashing his hellish screams onto the night. The attack was so powerful that it killed him after one round. Voldemort stepped over the dead body and the Death Eaters followed silently, ignoring the two bleeding bodies on the ground.
As they approached the door, a large, gruesome creature emerged from the shadows, blocking their access to the door.
"Ah, it's a hippogriff," Draco stated casually, "I'll take care of it." He slowly walked up to the large beast and bowed, expecting it to bow back much like it had for Potter in their third year. But it didn't. Instead, the hippogriff reared back on its hind legs and screeched loudly before it plunged its beak into Draco's throat and ripped out his esophagus. Blood oozed from the fatal gash as Buckbeak settled down and began to munch happily on Draco. Lucius flinched a little at the sudden and grotesque death of his son and Wormtail shuddered and averted his gaze; but other than that, no one dared to move.
Voldemort linked arms with Goyle and the two merrily skipped into the house; the remaining Death Eaters looking at them with expressions of confusion, jealously, and stark horror. Humming the song 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road', Voldemort and Goyle happily skedaddled over the threshold and into the house.
Giggling cheerfully over a perverted inside joke, Voldemort stepped away from Goyle, (but not before grabbing his butt playfully) and stood to face his arch-nemesis.
"Ah, so we meet again, oh Cat Woman." He rambled, swaying slightly on the spot. Voldemort was in fact drunk, having killed Professor Trelawney earlier in the evening and stealing her sherry. Everyone looked at him, expressions of utter confusion mixed with restrained laughter present on their faces.
"That's from Friends, dumbass." Hagrid blurted out, staring at the Dark Lord like everyone knew that. Everybody in the room now looked at Hagrid, trying desperately to figure out how he of all people knew about the hilarious American show Friends.
Lord Voldypants, who was in a drunken stupor, did not take to being called a dumbass by a half-giant very well.
"I'll have you know," he said, his voice slurred, and pointing his wand at Hagrid like it was a cigarette. "That I am less of a dumbass as him," he stated, pointing violently at Wormtail and accidentally throwing his wand from his hand in the process.
"Oh, damn." He muttered. "But really Tormwail, change into a donkey so we may enjoy ourselves." He finally spluttered out, the alcohol taking full affect on his thinking abilities. Then he slowly turned to Snape, somehow able to regain some of his brain power.
"Go and wake Bellatrixy well ya? She needs to be here to see me beat the all powerful Cat Woman!" Voldemort cried, pointing towards the door. Snape slapped his forehead, mumbled something about stupid sherry, and strode out the door. Ron looked at Harry, and Harry looked at Ron; how the hell did Voldemort become the most feared wizard on the planet if he was so susceptible to alcohol?
"Right then," Ron spoke up, trying to sort out the confusion, "Have at you." And they attacked. Harry sent the stunning curse at Lucius, who blocked it easily, and they continued at their little mini battle as others similar to theirs reigned around them.
Voldemort simply stood next to Goyle, his arm around his shoulder and his head rest on it.
"I love Mardi Gras." He said dreamily, staring at the ceiling, completely oblivious to the happenings around him.
Ron moved quickly and stupefied Wormtail right off the bat and dodged the killing curse from Lucius at the same time. Then Percy came around the corner and attempted to hex Lucius with the Leg-Locking Curse with much to no effect. Lucius merely blocked the attack and killed Percy with a flick of his wand.
Good riddance; we've all wanted to do that for some time now.
Hagrid didn't like that that stupid Malfoy had just killed a Weasley, even if it was once he had liked the least.
"Hey, ya big bully," Hagrid bellowed at Lucius, who turned slowly and smirked slightly. "Just because 'e was a stupid prat don't mean ya can go and kill'em." Malfoy's smirk grew.
"Oh, really?" he hissed, pointing his wand at Hagrid. "Avada Kedavra!" The killing curse hit Hagrid straight in the chest, knocking him to the ground, and unfortunately, right on top of Wormtail, crushing him to death.
But since Hagrid has strong giant skin and bones and whatnot, he didn't die, just was basically stunned until further notice. After this incident, he became known as the Giant Who Lived and there are now two known people to have survived the killing curse.
Gred and Feorge, who had been lurking mischievously in the shadows, had decided to now help out their friends. Back at their joke shop, they had been constructing little pipe bombs to use in the final battle for whatever they pleased. And this seemed like the perfect opportunity.
"Ready?" Gred said, looking at his twin. Feorge nodded. "Blow him up!" they shouted at the same time, throwing a pipe bomb at Lucius, who exploded into a million little pieces. And all the king's horses and all the king's men wouldn't be able to put Lucius back together again. Won't Narcissa be sad.
Meanwhile, after Voldypants had sent Snape out to awaken Bellatrix and the author had seemingly forgotten about him…
Snape stepped around Buckbeak, who burped loudly at having just finished devouring Draco. Tasty. He just barely began to walk down the drive to Bellatrix's unconscious body when a screeching caw erupted from the tree above him and Fawkes the revenge-seeking phoenix burst from the tree tops. The bird then dive-bombed for Snape and began viciously poking his eyes out much like he had the basilisk. What a lovely, pretty bird.
Now back into the house…
By now, Goyle had become somewhat alarmed that all of his comrades were dying, so he decided to leave his lovers side.
Hermione had been formulating a plan in the clever head of hers this entire time, and now revealed it to Harry and Ron.
"Let's not kill whoever's left. We'll send them to stay with the giants, and if they happen to come back, then we can kill them." It sounded like a good plan to them. So Harry took the honors of petrifying Goyle and then slowly turning to Voldypants, who was hysterical at what he thought was the death of his lover.
"You killed him!" Voldypants cried, tears beginning to form at the corners of his eyes, "How could you! You mean little boy! I'm telling my mommy!" he screamed, running out the door.
Voldypants ran past the hippogriff, past Snape's bleeding body, past dead Charlie and Bill, and finally past unconscious Bellatrix and then ran into the street and stood still.
He heard music. It was a friendly type of music, kind of like the kind you heard on-
HONK! HONK! WHACK! –an ice cream truck.
Sirius came barreling down the street going at least 50 and ran right into Voldypants, flattening him into a human pancake that strangely resembled a dead possum. (Minus the tail, or course.) In the back of the truck sat Dobby and Kreecher, snogging each other to death. At least they were happy.
Across the street from Godric's Hollow were house filled with children. And these children loved ice cream.
All screaming, the children ran from their houses prepared to have ice cream on a lovely night such as this. When the children saw the smashed Voldypants laying in the street, they assumed he was the ice cream man, and that he was going to give them the ice cream.
What was also fine and dandy was that the truck had sprung a leak, and now mint-chocolate chip ice cream was leaking all over the street and the crushed Voldypants. The children, being angry, sugar deprived (for good reasons) and hungry, all grabbed either the ice cream truck's supply of ice cream cones or pogo sticks and began to mercilessly beat Voldypants until he resembled a dead possum with mint-chocolate chip ice cream all over it.
Then Harry and all of his conscious friends ran out of the house to the incident in the street.
"Oh! Mint-chocolate chip! My favorite!" Harry cried, sounding like the little children with ice cream cones and pogo sticks. Then he grabbed his own cone and scooped up some of the ice cream off of Voldypants.
"Mmm, mint –Voldychip. Very good." Hermione gawked at him, her eyes as big as saucers.
"Cannibalism!" She screamed, running around clutching her head.
"Let me have some!" Ron whined, pushing some of the little brats out of the way, only to get beat up himself. "Help!" he cried, his voice muffled by the sock one of the kids stuffed in his mouth.
Harry surveyed the scene, enjoying his mint-Voldychip ice cream, and reflecting on what had just happened. The fight went just as he expected it, minus everything he hadn't expected.
Buckbeak spotted movement at the end of the driveway; it was his dream, the one thing he had always wanted. A giant twinkie.
He stood up and ran straight for the giant yellow and tasty snack cake.
At the end of the drive, Bellatrix was just waking up, and turned, only to spot a charging hippogriff heading towards her. She screamed bloody murder and covered her head before Buckbeak began to tear into her flesh.
At the sound of the scream everyone that was still alive, conscious or not snogging another house elf turned towards the noise.
Buckbeak looked up at them, confused by his findings.
"Where's the cream filling?" everyone began laughing raucously and enjoyed their ice cream.
Well, all's well that ends well. Unless it doesn't end well.
Hagrid grew to be known as the Half-Breed or the Giant who Lived. And he became more famous than Harry since he was a giant, and much more charming than Harry. He soon went to America to see his favorite TV show Friends, only to find that it had been cancelled. So he got it back on the air, with himself starring as Joey Tribiani.
Sirius just happened to be a funny case and it was a mishap with some monkeys beyond the veil that caused him to get lost in the first place. Stupid monkeys, they didn't know where they were going.
As for Kreecher and Dobby, well, they stole some of Professor Trelawney's sherry also, and you know where that goes.
Haha, that was fun to write. Please flame me, comment me, or just randomly pop up and say hey. I like randomness, it's fun. Right poofty? –Poofty nods- Good.
Now, I don't own any of the things in here that you may have heard of before, because if you've heard of them, they're already owned.