I Am

by Hulahula

Disclaimer: I do not own Severus Snape, Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, or any other characters, settings, etc. Jo Rowling does.

“If you are ready...if you are prepared...”

How was I to know that the answer I gave to the Headmaster two years ago would seal my fate to fear, pain, and eventual murder?

I knew that therewere always layers... layers upon layers... when it came to Albus Dumbledore’s inquisitions. But I never thought that being prepared to help him, the Order, Hogwarts, and even the Potter brat would lead to this.

Yes, I was prepared to spy, lie, cheat, commit the darkest of dark deeds. This was what Dumbledore meant by the question, yes?

“I am.” I replied. And I was. I was prepared for what I thought was expected of me.

After all, I was born to live a dark life, wasn’t I? Born into an unhappy situation. Brought up on a cold, bitter street. Accepted into the detested Slytherin House. Hated by the light, clean children. It’s ironic that even eleven year olds could tell that I, dark slimy Snivellus, would come to no good. Of course I didn’t see their wisdom at the time. I would scoff and slither away from their scared, horrified glances. My chin never came down. I was proud. Or at least, I made certain that I appeared to be proud. My peers in Slytherin tried to discredit me. I might have been proud, intelligent, quick to make a smart retort, but I was still below them. For you see... I am not a pureblood. But I found the salve for my anger toward my flesh. I renamed myself. I became the honorable Half-Blood Prince.

But even I hated the title I had given myself during my musings. Half-Blood Prince. I couldn’t be my mother or her family. I knew this. I knew I would always be half a Prince. Half good enough. Half pure. Half whole. I chuckle at the bitter sweetness of my depression as a student. I never felt that I was good enough... I suppose my determination to make up for my blood was my main motivation toward my studies. The spells. The curses. The Dark Arts...The Dark Lord.

He had everything that I was trying so hard to achieve. He was powerful, influential, popular, and whole. Whole. Even though, in all actuality he was only a half-blood like me. I walked straight into my hell. My chin high. My hopes high. And for two years, I threw myself into the Dark Lord’s teachings. I would do anything at his command.

Then, to my absolute delight, I was finally given a very important assignment. One that, once complete, would make me the Dark Lord’s second-in-command. Teach at Hogwarts. Spy on the fool of a headmaster. You cannot imagine my excitement when I overheard Dumbledore with that bumbling seer.

When I think on my excitement when I reported that prophecy... my stomach rebels.

I got the job, eventually. I slipped frustratingly useless information to my master for a full term. Dumbledore didn’t trust me, so valuable information was scarce.

Then one day everything changed. I was going up to the Great Hall to choke down some supper when from around the corner I heard: “You go ahead. I’m going to ask Flitwick about a... something. No, you go ahead...”She was speaking to her retched husband. Lily Evans Potter. I hadn’t seen her since graduation. I didn’t care to see her again. Immediately I turned on my heel to return to my dungeons. But her sweet voice caught up with me before I had even made it to the bottom of the stairs. “Severus...? Severus Snape?”

I turned and looked up. How could a mudblood be so beautiful? My anger at her appearance obviously showed on my face. But it didn’t stop her from approaching. It never had...

“Dumbledore told me that you had gotten the potion’s professorship,” She said as she reached me. “Congratulations.”

A rush of breath escaped me, sounding more like a growl than a sigh. I started taping my foot and crossed my black clothed arms. “Is there a point to your interruption of my day, Evans?” I snarled, not catching my mistake until the words were out.

Her smile disappeared as she began to smooth the right sleeve of her light cloak. “I was just wondering what you have been doing since we left school?” She gestured around the hall, “But I suppose you are doing well... with this new position.” She tucked a stray hair behind her ear. My expression did not change. I did not have time for her rambling. And soon her twit of a husband would come looking for her. I sneered down at her and pointedly said, “Good day, Mrs. Potter.”

I turned to continue down the hall when I heard her snort softly.

“And all this time I thought Severus Snape was above petty rudeness! Aren’t you even going to ask me how I’ve been?” She asked to my back.

I spun around and snapped, “What do you want?”

It hurt to see her looking so happy. Why did she have to come here? Reminding me of my weakness. My foolish, disgusting, infatuation with her while we were at school. She had no clue of course. I was only the dark, slimy shadow that she unfortunately always got paired with in NEWT potions class. That she always stood up for. That she always had to smile at . . .

She sighed lightly. “I will leave you be.” She said. “I was only at Hogwarts to tell the Headmaster my good news. I did not mean to bother you...”

Good news? As a spy, desperate for any new information for my master, I couldn’t resist this new development. “Good news?” I sneered.

Lily smiled and placed a soft hand on her abdomen. “James and I are expecting. I’m going to be a mother come late July.”

Her eyes twinkled with suppressed joy.

“I’ll not interrupt your evening further, Severus. Good day.”

And with that she made her way back up the stairs.

It wasn’t until the early hours of the next morning, when I was making my patrol through the halls, that I fell to my knees. Lily’s baby was going to be born in late July. The child my master was plotting to destroy would be born in late July. The child named in the prophecy I had told to my master could be Lily’s baby.

I went to Albus Dumbledore that clear night and pleaded for a solution. Lily’s child was going to die because of me. His solution was not easy. I became his spy. Not because I felt regret for the murders I had committed. Not because I wanted redemption. Because of Lily. The only one that had ever shown me compassion.

I believed that a muggleborn had blood made of mud. So how could Lily’s heart be so pure? She perplexed me. She proved my master wrong. The Dark Lord was wrong.

Dumbledore accepted my reasoning. My regret. He gave me a chance to stop the consequences of my actions. The Potter’s went into hiding. Dumbledore and his Order of the Phoenix used my information to try and protect her child.

Eleven months later, I discovered that Lily’s child didn’t die because of me. Lily did.

Lily died because of me. And now, so will the great Albus Dumbledore.

“If you are ready...if you are prepared . . . ” He said to me in the hospital wing two years ago.

“I am.” I replied.

But I’m not. He has asked too much of me. We argued about it in the quiet of the forrest. He has ordered me to carry out my vow to Narcissa Malfoy. I know Draco will not be strong enough to complete his task. The task of murdering the Headmaster.

I am not ready to murder Albus Dumbledore. He said that I have to do as he says. I have to do it for Lily. Completing my vow, murdering Albus, will put me in a perfect position with the Dark Lord to protect Potter. To protect Lily’s child.

I will do as he has asked.

I am in my office now. My head in my hands. I lift my face. I will do it. I am ready.

A knock sounds on my office door. Professor Flitwick rushes in, his face bright with sweat. It is time.

Please Review!