Golden Insanity

The final chapter is here. Yes, this story is finally coming to an end sadly. Enjoy the last ever chapter of Golden Insanity! Anyway, 20 is a nice, round number to stop at, isn't it? At least, I think it is. This fic was definitely fun to write over the past couple years. Too bad it's over now, but it's got to end eventually.

-

-THE-
-PHANTOM-
-DIVIDER-

-

Kraden prowled along the dark and mysterious hallway, his footsteps echoing across the stone floor. He was in some mysterious building of some kind, due to having received an invitation here the day before. The letter had simply said:

Tomorrow, come to the stone fortress beneath the mountains. We will be waiting for you. There, you shall finally be defeated. We will show you who are truly the most powerful beings out there.

The League of Overrated or Merely Popular Characters.

Kraden had been quite mystified by this strange letter. He had no idea who this League were supposed to be, but he could hardly resist an invitation now, could he? It was quite unlikely they would even be able to defeat him anyway. Kraden smiled confidently and continued to walk through the fortress. Eventually, he reached a door set in stone and opened it to reveal a large room also made of stone. The whole fortress was nondescript, bland and made of stone, which didn't exactly make for the most exciting setting.

"So, you have arrived, Kraden."

Kraden glanced up at the figure floating several feet above the floor, silver hair swaying to his waist. His cold, blue eyes fixed sharply on the old man and he smiled icily, reaching for the Masamune at his waist.

"So, you are Sephiroth, the most overrated videogame villain ever, I take it?" Kraden asked calmly. "I think this duel should not last long."

"No, it will not last long, because I will now defeat you," Sephiroth replied. He then lunged, the Masamune aimed for Kraden's chest.

Kraden simply stood his ground, eyes narrowing as he watched Sephiroth fly even closer. Then in a swift movement, he sidestepped and whirled around, his brown cape flying off and landing on the ground. Sephiroth skidded on the floor and came to a halt, throwing a glare of loathing at Kraden. To think that this mere old man could possibly have dodged him! It was unthinkable!

"Well, you are slower than I thought you would be," Kraden taunted. Now that his cape had been tossed aside, his white robes beneath were plainly visible, as was the sword at his waist. He reached to draw out the katana and pointed it at Sephiroth. "This should be an interesting battle."

"Do not underestimate me," Sephiroth said coldly, moving to the side. He then circled around Kraden in a swift motion. Kraden stood still, knowing there would be no point to watching his movements. He felt the disturbance of air behind him and promptly bent his legs, before jumping backwards in a circle and landing behind Sephiroth. Sephiroth looked dumbfounded as he thrust the Masamune through empty air.

"Now, who is underestimating whom?" Kraden smiled. Sephiroth growled and swung the Masamune at him angrily. Kraden promptly parried his blow with the katana and the swords clashed repeatedly as Sephiroth tried to land a blow upon him. Of course, Kraden would not let this happen.

"This ends now," Sephiroth said, flying backward. Kraden lowered the katana, wondering what Sephiroth was up to now.

Sephiroth smiled insanely and summoned Supernova.

Except Supernova was something completely different in Weyard, so Kraden simply felt a little explosion of fire and that was it.

"WHAT?" Sephiroth yelled in shock.

"Supernova is a Mars Psynergy. It is also the Stellar Axe's Unleash and Jupiter elemental in that case," Kraden said. "In this case, it seems you somehow used the Mars Psynergy. What, did you expect some huge fireball to come out of nowhere, decimating a few planets in its path, and hit me?"

"Well then, I'll just have to do this," said Sephiroth, holding up a tiny little marble. "I will summon Meteor and destroy Weyard!" He paused, closing his eyes, then opened them again. "There, I just summoned it. Now quiver in fear!"

At that moment, a meteor harmlessly crashed through the roof and hit the floor. Sephiroth stared at the floor, dumbfounded.

"Meteor is a Mars Summon," Kraden told him. "It requires four Mars Djinn to summon. Honestly, I do not understand how you even managed to call it."

"You annoying old man!" Sephiroth snapped. "Then... it's time to get serious."

"Bring it on!" Kraden tensed, waiting for Sephiroth to attack.

Sephiroth flew up into the air and plunged toward him. Kraden sidestepped and grabbed the hilt of Sephiroth's sword in mid-air, throwing him aside with it. Sephiroth hit the ground, looking stunned. He struggled to his feet, only to see a katana swiftly planting itself between his eyes. Sephiroth then fell over on his back, dead. Kraden walked over and pulled the katana out of Sephiroth's head, wiping the blood off on the villain's clothes.

"That was a nice warm up," Kraden commented to himself. "Now to go seek out my other foes."

There was another door awaiting him. Kraden walked up and put his ear against it, listening for any sounds in the next room. It was better to be careful, and whoever was in there would almost certainly know of his presence at this point. He heard the sound of footsteps near the door. So someone was in there after all. Kraden placed the katana in its sheath and reached to open the door.

The second he did, a hail of bullets were fired in his direction. Kraden swiftly ducked and rolled across the floor, avoiding them. He came to a stop and stood up, staring at his foe.

"Ah, Master Chief," Kraden acknowledged. "The protagonist of the popular Halo series. Yet another one of the overrated characters, I assume."

"I'll show you who's overrated!" Master Chief growled, aiming a flamethrower and blasting fire straight at Kraden.

"I am resistant to the elements," Kraden spoke, looking perfectly calm as the rolling flames washed around him. "Water, wind, fire, earth... they cannot harm me at all. I am one with them."

"Eat this then!" Master Chief produced a rocket launcher and fired a hundred rockets straight at Kraden.

"A futile attempt," Kraden taunted, using his supreme power to send the rockets into separate directions so that none of them even hit him. The walls shook slightly from the multiple explosions throughout the room. "Perhaps you would be more skilled as a Master Chef?"

"Foolish last words!" Master Chief roared, swinging a spiked mace on a chain above his head. The writer was in fact thinking up random weapons for him because she had never played Halo, but he didn't care. Kraden swung and jumped as the mace flew at him. Then somehow he slipped and the chain wrapped around his arms, pinning him. "Well, well, looks like I have you trapped. How does it feel to finally taste defeat?"

"You honestly think you have me defeated?" Kraden asked, staring down the barrel of a gun. Just as the gun blasted at him, the chains broke apart into a million pieces. Master Chief looked through the smoke rising from the barrel of his gun, expecting to see the corpse of Kraden falling to the floor, but there was nothing there.

"What?" Master Chief cried out, stunned. "Where did he go?"

"Right here," Kraden said, before slamming his knee into the small of Master Chief's back. Master Chief groaned and sank to his knees. Kraden seized him by the back of his collar and bodily lifted him. The sage then whirled him around several times before flinging him into a wall with all his strength. The wall wobbled and several chunks of stone fell onto Master Chief's bruised body.

"Damn you," Master Chief hissed, spitting up blood. "I am not finished yet!" He produced a blow dart from his pocket and blew on it. A dart whistled through the air, embedding itself in Kraden's leg. "Now feel the terror of poison seeping into your bloodstream!"

"I'm immune to all poison actually," Kraden remarked, pulling the dart from his leg. "A pitiful attempt to take my life indeed."

"I... I will not lose to you..." Master Chief growled, struggling to his feet. "I can still use... this!" He whipped out a flying knife and hurled it through the air. Kraden reached out and swiftly caught it.

"I think you are all out of tricks now, Master Chief," Kraden said, walking steadily toward him. "This battle ends now."

"Then... eat this!" Master Chief yelled, pushing a button on his belt. He then exploded in a massive fireball that consumed the entire room.

Eventually, the fire died down, revealing Kraden standing among a huge mess strewn throughout the room. He flicked some ashes from his hair and shook his head in bewilderment. "Well, I certainly did not expect him to go kamikaze."

Now that Master Chief had uselessly sacrificed himself, it was time for Kraden to proceed to the next room and meet yet another foe waiting for him. He approached the door and kicked it down dramatically.

A man was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a smart suit. He took one look at Kraden and crushed his martini glass with his own hand. Blood dripped down his wrist as he smirked.

"You aren't a videogame character," Kraden noted, raising an eyebrow. "That much at least I know. So, who are you?"

"The name's Bond," replied the man. "James Bond."

"Ahh, of course. A popular fictional character, but not overrated," Kraden commented. "At least, someone with a book series and so many movies couldn't possibly be overrated. So, are you prepared for your defeat?"

"It is me who will be defeating you, Kraden," corrected Bond, pointing a Uzi squarely at Kraden's forehead. "This is rather pathetic really, fighting a man who's over twice my age."

"Age does not matter," Kraden replied. The Uzi fired and a bullet went rocketing toward his head. Kraden merely reached out and caught the bullet, flinging it aside.

Bond spluttered in shock as he saw what Kraden did. "You... caught the bullet?"

Kraden started walking toward him. Bond opened his jacket to reveal a dozen knives, which he whipped out and threw straight at Kraden. Kraden nimbly sidestepped and ducked to avoid the flying knives and caught the last one, which he threw back at Bond. It simply bounced off his chest.

"I have the sense to wear a protective vest," Bond said, smirking. "How pitiful to assume otherwise."

"Oh, I didn't intend to finish you off with that weak blow," Kraden assured him. "I like to have a little warm up first."

"Well, seeing as you have already defeated two of my comrades, I cannot go easy on you," threatened Bond. He whipped a handheld laser out of his pocket and fired it, making a slicing motion through the air as if to decapitate Kraden with it. In fact, that was what he had intended.

However, the laser had simply been unable to touch Kraden, as if some force field protected him from it. Bond stared in amazement at the unharmed old man.

"Are you even human?" Bond exclaimed.

"I merely appear as one," Kraden said. "In truth, I am an immortal, ageless being and I am omnipotent. I am the true Guardian of Weyard. I am no mere mortal."

"Yeah, right!" Bond laughed. "I still have some tricks up my sleeve. Like this." He whipped out a can of acid and sprayed a load into Kraden's face.

Kraden calmly wiped the acid from his face. "Really, Mr. Bond, give up this futile game."

"Never!" Bond whipped out two semi-automatic pistols and fired bullets at Kraden's head from point blank range. He then stopped, blinking in astonishment. Kraden had disappeared from his sight before he even pushed the triggers.

"Surprised, Mr. Bond?" Kraden asked from beside him, before aiming a roundhouse kick to his crotch. Bond groaned and collapsed, making a high-pitched sound in his agony.

"You... truly are... mighty... Kraden," Bond gasped. "But... can you avoid this?" He pulled out a device and pressed a button.

A homing missile promptly popped out of the wall, aimed at Kraden. Kraden turned to look at the oncoming missile, shrugged his shoulders in a dismissive manner and lifted Bond up with one arm. He then held Bond up in front of him. Bond screamed as the missile hit him.

A massive explosion ensued, sending Bond flying. Kraden merely stood still as the missile exploded around him. He glanced over at Bond's corpse lying on the floor. "Nice trick, but not good enough."

Could there be even more foes waiting for him? Kraden was of course going to find out, as he proceeded to go through the door. The next room was much bigger than the previous ones, and it was circular in shape with multiple doorways. Kraden looked around at all the doorways, wondering what the secret behind this was. Was he perhaps going to have to fight several enemies at once? Well, that should be easy.

Then, the doors opened simultaneously. Kraden narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists, ready to take on his foes.

"Derp derp derp derp derp!"

Well, this was certainly an unexpected turn of events. Kraden watched in astonishment as hundreds of Bidoof poured through the doors and headed toward him. He wasted no time in springing into the air and grabbing onto a chandelier that was on the ceiling for some reason. As Kraden hung on and thought of a method which he could use, the Bidoof rapidly piled up. Half the room was flooded with Bidoof and still even more were coming in.

Was this the league's last resort plan? To sick an army of Bidoof on him?

Evidently it was.

Kraden looked down in annoyance as a Bidoof nipped at his ankles. Just how many Bidoof were there? Surely there were... over nine thousand! Except, not that many. He had to deal with them quickly. Their irritating derping was grating on his nerves.

So, he unleashed a devastating power that quickly decimated each and every Bidoof. Even more Bidoof came in, only to be torn apart by his awesome powers. Eventually, about half an hour later, the Bidoof stopped coming into the room. So, they had evidently run out at last. Kraden let go of the chandelier and dropped to the floor, dusting off his hands. Well, that had been fun, and a tad annoying.

Since there were no foes left, it was time to return to Vale. Kraden turned and walked out of the fortress, smiling in satisfaction. He'd had a lot of fun today, that was for sure.

"Ah ha ha ha! So you fell for the trap, Kraden! Take this!"

Well, he should have expected that. Someone would have lain in wait outside the fortress in the event that he defeated everyone else and them came out. Kraden slowly turned to see a dark-haired boy on a broomstick raising a wand and aiming it at him. Kraden stood his ground, staring at the next overrated character to appear.

"Avada Kedavra!"

Maniacal laughter ensued. Kraden shrugged as a blinding flash of green light surrounded him, and reached into his pocket to pull out a book. Harry Potter gasped in amazement as Kraden was simply unaffected by the death spell and began to read.

"You irritating old fool! How could you survive that?" Harry cried. "Then take these spells! Crucio! Imperio! Stop reading that book! Sectumsempra! Why... why do my spells not even work?"

"Well, this is fascinating," Kraden murmured, continuing to read. "Such an exciting plot twist."

Harry shuddered in rage, his green eyes hardening. "Then take this! CAPS LOCK OF RAGE ATTACK!"

"I'm sure glad my book isn't flooded with caps lock," Kraden commented. "Why is it not simply enough to say the character yelled, raged, shouted, cried or screamed? I can't stand overused caps lock."

"Pathetic old man. Stop ignoring me!" Harry shouted. "Don't you know who I am? I am the boy who lived, I am the one who defeated Voldemort!"

"I'm not listening to someone who gave his son a dumb name like Albus Severus," Kraden muttered, waving a hand. Harry Potter screamed and then exploded. "Now I can get back to reading." He turned and walked off to Vale with his nose still buried on the book, whistling a happy tune.

-

-ATTACK-
-OF THE-
-DIVIDER-

-

Kraden was not only known as one of the greatest ninja in the hidden ninja village of Vale, despite his age, he was also known as the harshest teacher ever. Year after year, upcoming ninja were trained daily into becoming great ninja just like him. It wasn't so surprising then that about half of the village had given up on being ninja. At the moment, Kraden was standing in the middle of a forest and watching his current students train hard.

Isaac crouched in the middle of a bush, silently watching and constantly aware of everything around him. He carefully listened and tensed as he heard the cracking of a twig. Then he leaped up and turned around, flinging a kunai. It happened to fly straight into Felix's arm... only for him to disappear. Isaac mentally cursed himself. How was he supposed to get better if he fell for such a simple trick? He was going to become a better ninja than Felix!

"Gotcha!" Felix cried, jumping from the top of a tree and flinging a shuriken. Isaac stepped aside and watched the shuriken hit the ground. Felix calmly dropped down next to the shuriken. "You need to be prepared for surprises, you know."

"Well, as soon as I caught your substitute, I was quite sure you would attack from somewhere else," Isaac said defensively. "Anyway, it's not like we're trying to kill each other."

"But that's exactly it," Felix said, twirling a kunai on his finger. "You should train as if you're going to kill, Isaac. Well... at least you're better than Garet. That guy just doesn't seem to be cut out to be a ninja." He let out a weary sigh and shook his head.

"Hey, we're all trying here," Isaac said quickly. "Anyway, with a teacher like Kraden, I'm sure he'll have to-" Isaac screamed as a kunai suddenly flew past him and jumped back in alarm.

"We're under attack!" Felix exclaimed, just as about ten shuriken flew at him. He nimbly leaped out of the way somehow and ran up a tree.

Isaac was about to do the same, but even more shuriken were flying at him. He gritted his teeth, watching the spiked weapons come even closer. There was no time for him to move out of the way.

"Isaac!" Felix cried out in horror as the shuriken impacted with Isaac's body. Blood flew up into the air as Isaac flew backwards, eyes filled with horror. Then he hit the ground and turned into a log, embedded with sharp and dangerous ninja weapons.

As for the real Isaac, he was now standing behind the ninja who had just had the nerve to attack. "What was the meaning of that?" Isaac cried out. "Are you trying to get us killed?"

"I'm always trying to get you killed," Kraden said, turning with a glint in his eye. "That is the way of ninja. Kill or be killed. It's better than standing around and chatting, isn't it?"

"Darn it!" Isaac ran at him, but then froze in spot as he felt a kunai at his neck.

"This is fun, isn't it?" Kraden asked from behind. Isaac glared at the doppelganger as it vanished in a puff of smoke. Kraden chuckled and released him. "Remember, an enemy ninja will not play fair at all. That is also the way of ninja. I'd better go see how the others are getting on. Keep training!"

"How many ways do ninja have?" Felix asked in exasperation from the top of another tree. Isaac just moaned and stabbed the tree bark with a kunai in frustration.

Garet and Jenna were currently attempting to climb trees. Jenna was rapidly becoming a master of walking up trees. Garet, on the other hand, had a sorely bruised bottom.

"Come on, Garet!" Jenna called out, sitting on a tree branch and looking down at him. "Remember, focus the chakra on your feet. Focus!"

"I'm tired of focusing!" Garet wailed, angrily kicking the tree. "Stupid tree. Why do I even have to be a ninja?"

"Well, it's true that you don't have to, but then you don't get to do cool things like this!" Jenna jumped onto her feet, then leaped onto the branch of another tree and ran down the tree branch, while flinging a shuriken in a random direction. She reached the ground and then mock bowed. "I am so awesome."

"Throwing your weapons about like that isn't awesome! It's dangerous!" Garet cried out. "What if you hit an innocent little bunny?"

"I would hear the bunny and therefore not hit it," Jenna said. "Though, it's hard to tell if random noises are the enemy or just animals. So, maybe we should just freely throw our weapons about after all."

"But you just threw it for no reason at all!" Garet exclaimed.

"How is training going?" Kraden suddenly appeared, giving them a fright. "Well, Garet? Can you climb the tree yet?"

"Ugh..." Garet had decided to try again. He managed to walk a precarious metre before slipping. Garet let out a yell and once again crash landed onto his bottom. "Darn it!"

"Oh, man," Kraden muttered, shaking his head. "Garet, is there anything you can do?"

It was obviously meant to be insulting, but Garet took it entirely the wrong way. He got to his feet and grinned. "Actually, yes, there is one thing I can do!" He put his index fingers together and cried out, "Sexy no Jutsu!"

There was a puff of smoke, and then, where Garet had been standing, was now a naked Garet with long hair, feminine eyes and breasts. "Well?" He wriggled his hips and winked.

"Kyaaaaahhhh!" Twin trails of blood spurted from Kraden's nose and he went flying into the forest, blood splattering everywhere as he did so. Garet undid the transformation and chuckled in amusement. Kraden always fell for it.

"Garet!" Jenna yelled angrily, whacking him. "That isn't funny at all, you pervert!" On the other hand, her inner self was currently thinking, "Oh yeah! Garet is so awesome!"

"Being a ninja is not all fun and games, you know," Felix lectured from on top of a tree branch. "Sheesh."

"At least he got rid of Kraden," Isaac said, walking up. "Let's run back to Vale before he recovers!"

Kraden returned, two wads of tissues stuck up his nose, to find his students very much gone. "Great, not again," he muttered in frustration.

-

-THE-
-REVENGE OF-
-THE-
-DIVIDER-

-

After a long and tiring walk through Gaia Rock, Felix and company had now arrived at a room full of barrels, barrels and even more barrels. At the centre of the room, a huge, green serpent was happily lapping away at a bowl as a brown-haired man dutifully rolled a barrel over and proceeded to refill the bowl.

"Um, why is that guy giving the serpent a drink?" Sheba wondered out loud. "Could he be trying to poison it, perhaps?"

"I wonder what's in all these barrels," Jenna said, lifting the lid of one and taking a sniff. "Hmm, it smells of... something. It's clear too, I don't think it's water."

"It smells familiar to me too," Kraden said. "I can't quite put my finger on it though."

"Hey," Felix said, walking up to the man. Apparently, this had to be Susa, the guy who was so desperate to save the future sacrifice. "What is that stuff?"

"Out of my way," Susa said grumpily, straightening himself. "I must keep feeding dragonsbane to the serpent. This is necessary to save Kushinada." He pushed his way past and hurried over to the barrels, presumably to grab yet another one and give the contents to the serpent. It was apparently a very thirsty serpent.

"Dragonsbane, huh?" Piers said from behind Felix. "That doesn't make much sense. Why would people be keeping a ton of barrels of that down here? Why, for that matter, would they keep the poison so close to the intended victim? What if it freaked out and smashed the barrels or something? Then they would have no more-"

"Piers. Will you just think quietly?" Felix asked, as Susa came back. "Anyway, I don't think the serpent's even realised that stuff is dangerous."

"How strange," Kraden commented, walking over and looking at the serpent. "It doesn't seem to be suffering any ill effects. If anything, the lights shining on it are affecting it more."

"Hey! This stuff tastes pretty good," Jenna said. She had a cup in hand and was now drinking from one of the barrels. "No wonder the serpent likes it so much." She promptly refilled the cup and gulped down the contents.

"It tastes kind of icky." Sheba grimaced, but refilled the cup anyway. "Well, maybe I'll just have to develop a taste for it." She gingerly drank from the cup.

"Hey, should you really be drinking that?" Piers called out. "What if it's poison?"

"I don't think it's poison," Felix said, watching Jenna and Sheba happily drink from the barrel. "They wouldn't have got past the first cup, would they?"

"Well, I guess not," Piers admitted. "So, how exactly is it dangerous to the serpent then?"

"I cannot believe how foolish they are being," Kraden muttered, shaking his head. "To just start drinking an unfamiliar liquid like that."

"Uh... um..." Susa was standing still and stuttering, while staring at the girls in shock. "Er... I don't think..."

"What's wrong?" Felix asked, turning back to Susa. He noticed that Susa seemed somewhat pale. "Is something the matter?"

"My head feels funny." Jenna giggled and drank from another cup. "It's making me feel all happy and stuff, but... I don't know... something's kind of strange. It couldn't be... nah." She paused, staring at the contents, then shrugged.

"Whee!" Sheba laughed and leaned on the barrel, looking dazedly up at the ceiling as she sipped from the cup. "I've never had this feeling before."

"Uh oh..." Kraden muttered, looking at the girls. Apparently, he had realised exactly what the stuff was. "This isn't good."

"Well... you know we call it dragonsbane, right? Well, it's actually sake," Susa said sheepishly. "Rice wine. I'm feeding it to the serpent to get it drunk. But, because this is an E rated game, we can't have any mentions of alcoholic substances now, can we?"

Felix and Piers stared at him in shock, then turned to look at the girls who were still drinking the sake.

Kraden sighed. "I knew it."

"Stop drinking that!" Felix cried. "It's alcoholic!"

Jenna promptly did a spittake and dropped the cup. "Aw, crap, that's what this funny feeling is. I don't feel good..."

"Now it all makes sense!" Piers clicked his fingers. "The people of Izumo keep their sake in Gaia Rock! ... Actually, that doesn't make much sense."

"I put the barrels here, you idiot!" Susa exclaimed. "Why would we keep our sake next to a freaking dangerous lizard?"

"Jenna, are you okay?" Felix rushed over and caught her, before she could collapse. "Piers, hurry! She needs some water!"

Sheba let out a high pitched giggle and began to wander off. Nobody noticed, because Jenna was also drunk, Felix was too busy worrying over his drunk sister, Piers had just taken offence at being called an idiot and Susa was currently yelling about how everyone was an idiot in the first place. Kraden, on the other hand, had just discreetly taken a cup of sake and started sipping slowly. Of course, he had the sense not to get drunk.

Eventually, the drama died down. Susa was back to getting the serpent drunk, Piers was making Jenna drink water, Jenna was struggling to keep it down while complaining about feeling dizzy and sick, and Felix was yelling obscenities at Susa and blaming it all on him. Susa wisely chose to ignore him. Kraden had got through two cups of sake and decided he'd had enough now.

"Where is Sheba?" Kraden asked suddenly.

"Huh? She's not here?" Felix looked around, only just realising the Jupiter Adept was very much missing. "Well, she can't have got far. She's probably crouched down, throwing up nearby-"

That was a bad time to say the words 'throwing up', as Felix quickly learned, since it apparently triggered Jenna to decorate him with vomit. He shuddered and threw a dirty glare at Susa, which Susa did not see.

"My head hurts," Jenna moaned. "This sucks..."

"We have to go and find Sheba," Piers said urgently. "Felix, why don't you cast Retreat and get us out of here? Jenna should get some rest at the inn."

"Why can't you cure Ply on her?" Felix asked. "Wouldn't that work?"

"It's for healing illnesses and injuries," Piers replied. "Being drunk doesn't fill the criteria. Maybe if I tried Cure Poison... anyway, this isn't the time for that. We have to go and find her!"

"Okay, let's go," Felix said, standing up and helping Jenna to her feet. Thankfully, she didn't throw up again. He then cast Retreat, whisking the group out of Gaia Rock.

"Look!" Kraden exclaimed, pointing at a stain on the ground just outside the door. "It's vomit! Sheba must have gone this way."

Jenna took one look at the vomit and started convulsing. "Blaaaarrrrgh!" she cried, spewing projectile vomit all over Piers. Piers grimaced and wiped it away.

"Please," Felix said in a gritted voice, "don't talk about being sick around Jenna."

The group hurried to Izumo, little knowing they were in for a surprise. When they reached the town, they stopped and stared in shock.

The people of Izumo were running around and screaming, as Sheba stood on top of the platform where the drummer normally sat. She was currently cackling maniacally and throwing lightning spells all over the place, as if trying to strike down the poor Izumans.

"This is not good." Felix gulped.

"Why is there lightning everywhere?" Jenna looked around dazedly. "Is it a storm?"

"Sheba! Get down from there!" Kraden shouted.

"How did she manage to get all the way here in such a state?" Piers shook his head. "She's amazing." He looked at Jenna, who was still slumped over Felix and looking pale. "I guess different people react in different ways to that kind of stuff."

"Hey, guys!" Sheba had caught sight of them and was waving frantically. "Guess what? I can fly!" She then proceeded to take a dive off the platform and hit the ground below with a loud thud.

"Well, at least she's unconscious now," Piers said, looking at the knocked out girl. "That's a good thing, right?" He proceeded to walk over and heal her bruises and broken bones. Mercifully, she remained unconscious, despite the healing.

"That's unfair," Jenna mumbled sleepily, as Piers picked Sheba up. "How come she can fly and I can't?"

"Come on, let's go to the inn now," Felix said. "You need to get some rest."

"I didn't mean for her to jump off," Kraden muttered, following Felix and Piers to the inn.

-

-A NEW-
-DIVIDER-

-

Special Feature Story

Oinuki Neko

"Bring it on!" Jenna yelled, running forward. She was already furious at the Evil Alex Clone #12 for dressing in drag. He had caused her mental trauma that might be irreparable and she would never be able to forget the horrifying thought of her love wearing women's clothes. It was just simply disturbing. EAC #12 immediately began firing the rifle, but she had been expecting it. In a swift movement, she ducked and rolled the rest of the way across the ground.

Upon reaching his position, she leaped up and slammed a foot straight into his chin. "Take that!" she cried out. EAC #12 went flying and hit the ground with a thud, the rifle falling away and clattering to the ground out of his reach. He was about to get up, only to feel her foot pressing on his chest.

"You are going to pay for wearing drag," Jenna said, smiling sinisterly. "Do you have any idea what you have done... to my mind?"

Evil Alex Clone #12's only response was to catch her off guard with a surprise blast of water. Jenna went flying and skidded over the floor, landing on her side. "Ugh... I'm wet!" she complained loudly, tugging at her soaked clothes in disgust.

"What's the problem? Ten minutes ago, you wanted a shower," Felix reminded her. Jenna did not appreciate that, as she proceeded to lunge at him with her fists.

"That's not funny!" Jenna yelled, assailing him while he tried to defend himself from her blows.

"You sure are in a bad mood," Isaac muttered. Luckily for him, Jenna didn't hear his comment.

"I'll be your opponent," Alex said, stepping up and narrowing his eyes as he faced his evil clone. "You are my evil clone after all. It's my responsibility to take you down."

"Oh, just bring it on, pretty boy," Evil Alex Clone #12 taunted, wagging a finger. Jenna fainted in horror, even more traumatised by hearing her boyfriend be called pretty, and Felix quickly caught her before she could hit the floor.

"Pull yourself together!" Felix exclaimed, trying to shake her awake. However, it didn't work. He sighed in exasperation. Jenna really wasn't being much help today. What was so distressing about Alex being in drag anyway? Felix found it kind of amusing himself, but he wasn't ever going to tell anyone. Especially not Jenna, because then he would be at severe risk of ending up six feet under.

"You're calling me a pretty boy? That is so ironic!" Alex exclaimed. He glanced around for a weapon and snatched up some iron pipe that happened to be lying around on the floor. Evil Alex Clone #12 promptly whipped out a pink umbrella and waved it above his head. "Uh... is that your weapon?"

"Totally," Alex Clone #12 replied, smirking. "Like, isn't it awesome?"

"I'm going to defeat you right now!" Alex shouted, running at Evil Alex Clone #12 and swinging the iron pipe. EAC #12 nimbly dodged it and smacked Alex on the head with the umbrella. Alex turned around, raising an eyebrow. "Uh, that didn't even hurt. Are you even being serious?"

"Like, how is this for serious?" Evil Alex Clone #12 smirked and leaned over, kissing Alex passionately on the lips. Alex froze in shock. EAC #12 drew back, winking at him. Alex's eyes rolled to the top of his head, his face turning dangerously white, and then he crashed to the floor in a dead faint. "Well, that was totally easy!"

"You cheated!" Felix exclaimed, feeling repulsed. "That wasn't playing fair at all!"

"I think I'm about to see that Japanese food I ate again," Isaac muttered, putting a hand over his mouth. The sight of Alex being kissed by himself was not something Isaac had ever thought he would see, and certainly not something he'd wanted to see either.

Sheba, on the other hand, was flushed, partly in embarrassment and mostly in perversion. She'd never had the opportunity to see two guys kissing, and if she pushed aside the fact one was a clone, it seemed rather hot. Still, she had a feeling she shouldn't say anything. The guys wouldn't agree because they were guys. Jenna wouldn't agree either, if she was awake. It was probably just as well she'd stayed unconscious during Evil Alex Clone #12's trick. Mia, on the other hand, had also fainted in horror. Suspiciously enough, her nose had begun to bleed right before she fainted.

"Well?" Evil Alex Clone #12 placed a hand on his hip. "Who will be my next opponent?"

Felix and Isaac glanced at each other uncomfortably. Neither of them wanted to go anywhere near that freak, so they remained perfectly still with reluctant expressions on their faces. Evil Alex Clone #12 crossed his arms and sighed.

"Like, am I meant to just beat you all up while you're, you know, just sitting there, like?" EAC #12 tutted. "How boring, like."

"You guys are wimps!" Sheba snapped, stepping forward. "Evil Alex Clone #12, I'll fight you next!"

"Give it your best shot, little girl." EAC #12 sneered annoyingly.

Sheba promptly ran over and grabbed Mittens. "Hey, put me down!" the cat yowled as Sheba swung him by the tail. Mittens went flying and landed smack dab on Evil Alex Clone #12's face, digging his claws in and clinging in fear.

"Ah! Oh! The pain! I can't see!" EAC #12 screamed, running around with the cat on his face. "Help me!"

"I feel a little bad about the animal abuse but it can't be helped," Sheba murmured to herself. She walked over and picked up the iron bar lying next to Alex's unconscious form, then approached EAC #12 who was still crying, screaming and trying to pull Mittens off his face. "Take this!" she yelled, slamming the iron bar straight into his crotch.

EAC #12 let out a high pitched keening noise and fell over, curling up into the fetal position. Mittens let go and fled into a corner, shivering in fear. Sheba stood over Evil Alex #12, smirking.

"Is someone going to destroy the clone or shall I do it myself?" Sheba asked, looking over at Felix and Isaac

"Let me at him!" Mia yelled, jumping up and waving a mace over her head. Everyone jumped in fright, except Jenna and Alex who were both still unconscious. When had Mia woken up? "I'll teach him not to do things like that in front of me!"

"Why is there blood on your top lip, Mia?" Sheba asked innocently. Mia flushed and quickly wiped it away.

"I hit my nose when I fell," Mia lied. Sheba frowned, but before she could say anything, Mia was already running at the Evil Alex Clone and proceeding to beat him to a bloody pulp with her mace. "Take that, you stupid clone!"

"Uh... where am I?" Jenna opened her eyes and sat up, shaking her head. She looked over at Mia and Evil Alex Clone #12. "Oh... that's right. Hey, Mia! Let me have a piece of him!" She was immediately at Mia's side, proceeding to incinerate the clone.

"Well, everything seems to have turned out pretty well," Isaac said. "Those cats won't be able to take over the world without that clone helping them."

In just a minute, Evil Alex Clone #12 was nothing more than a pile of ashes and Mittens was still cowering in fear in the corner. The triumphant group left the creepy house, dragging Alex's unconscious body along with them.

"Why is he still asleep?" Felix grumbled, pulling on one arm.

"I guess the mental trauma was too much for him," Isaac muttered, pulling on the other arm

"Can't you carry him properly?" Jenna yelled. "You'll bruise him! And, what mental trauma?"

"It's better you don't know," Mia assured her. "One unconscious person is enough to carry back." She was pretty sure Jenna would faint again at the thought of Alex being kissed by his clone wearing drag.

"Uh... right..." Jenna gave her an odd stare. "Anyway, we'd better hurry back! I've got to feed poor Skittles. He must be so hungry."

Sheba sighed, shaking her head. Apparently Jenna hadn't figured out her kitten had been in on the world domination plot yet. They would just have to break it to her gently.

Alex remained stubbornly asleep until everyone returned to their respective homes. When he finally did awake, the first thing he did was let out an ear-wrenching scream and faint again.

"What is wrong with him?" Jenna asked in exasperation, looking down at Alex who lay unconscious on the sofa. She'd already managed to get over Skittles somehow. The only reason she'd fawned over him so much in the first place was because he'd been brainwashing her after all. "Why is he acting like this?"

"Oh, because the clone kissed him," Sheba spoke up, absentmindedly flipping through a magazine. Jenna's sanity didn't matter to her so much right now. "He couldn't handle the shock."

"I'm so glad we got rid of that thing," Felix muttered, shuddering at the appalling memory. He never wanted to see it happen again.

Jenna's head almost asploded. Almost. Instead, she just got a splitting headache and felt the urge to set Sheba on fire, which she somehow resisted.

-

-THE-
-DIVIDER-
-STRIKES BACK-

-

Kraden had come to the realisation that something was missing in his life. How odd. Something was missing? What could it possibly be? So he thought very hard, trying to figure it out. He had companions, limitless power, eternal life, everything he could ever hope for. Kraden went for walks every day, pondering the mystery of this missing thing in his life. He sat and fretted, amazed at how difficult this was to figure out. What was he lacking?

"Woof!" A random dog ran up and bowed to Kraden fervently, his doggy eyes sparkling in wonder.

Kraden stared at the dog, who fell to the ground and whimpered something that would probably have been "I am not worthy enough to be stared at by the great Kraden!" in human speech. Then a lightbulb flashed on above his head.

"Eureka!" Kraden cried, jumping to his feet. "That's what I need! A pet of my very own! I can't believe it took me this long to figure out!"

So, Kraden immediately sent out flyers across Weyard. These flyers announced that Kraden was looking for a very special pet. A mere dog or cat would simply not do! He needed something special. So everyone in Weyard started searching for this special something to give to Kraden.

Within a week, people were queued up outside Kraden's house with creatures of all shapes and sizes, eager for Kraden to accept their special creature as his pet. Kraden sat patiently inside, eager to see what the people had brought him. Finally, he could get his own special pet! Was anything they had worthy enough for him? He would wait and see.

The first people to come in were Donpa and Dodonpa, with a giant, blue toad behind them.

"Daddy, please!" Dodonpa sobbed and fell to his knees, holding up his hands in a begging gesture. "Don't give away Toadonpa!"

"Show some respect in front of Kraden, you whelp!" Donpa pulled a stick out of nowhere and hit Dodonpa with it. "And act your age! I'm not letting you keep the toad anymore because you keep using it for evil deeds."

"But... I love my Toadonpa..." Dodonpa cried, flinging his arms around the giant blue toad.

"Ahh, a toad?" Kraden leaned over and looked at the slimy, gigantic toad. "It certainly is very big. What has it been eating?"

"You'll have to ask my son," Donpa replied, glancing at the crying thief. "I apologise for his behaviour. He's been spoiled in the past and he's quite attached to the toad, but he keeps using it to do evil things, so I don't want him to have it anymore. Would you accept Toadonpa as a pet?"

Kraden looked over at Dodonpa, who was crying and still not acting his age at all. He looked back at the toad and then shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can have a toad. They are rather unappealing creatures in my opinion."

"I understand," Donpa said, bowing to Kraden. "Very well. Let's go, Dodonpa. I will find someone else to take this toad." He seized Dodonpa by the ear and pulled him out, the toad hopping after them.

The next person to come in was Obaba, with the Avimander. Kraden looked at the red salamander, raising an eyebrow.

"Is it meant to be shivering so much?" Kraden asked.

"Well, since it's a salamander, it has to live in pretty specific conditions," Obaba said, glancing at the oversized lizard. "You wouldn't happen to have anywhere hot in particular to keep it? Like, a giant oven for example? If it isn't kept hot enough, it will die."

"My superpowers could probably be enough to heat it," Kraden said uneasily. "But by the sound of things, it would have to be hot all the time. I don't particularly fancy the idea of standing next to a lizard and heating it all day."

"I knew this was a bad idea," Obaba muttered. "Sorry to waste your time."

"Oh, it's quite alright. I have all the time I need," Kraden replied. "Thanks for trying."

Obaba sulkily led the Avimander out, feeling quite frustrated. Great, she'd missed out on another chance with Kraden. The old woman from Champa had secretly been hoping that Kraden would accept the Avimander, then thank her profusely. They would then stare into each other's eyes and he would suddenly ask her out for dinner... well, maybe another time.

Kraden sat bolt upright in shock as a giant merman suddenly burst in, smashing down the front wall of his house. Poseidon sat there, looking around at the rubble as chunks of the ceiling began to break off and clatter to the floor. A blue-haired elderly man ran up, looking appalled.

"Poseidon! I told you to wait outside and I would go in instead!" King Hydros exclaimed, waving his fists.

Poseidon fixed an eye on King Hydros then flipped the bird. Hydros stood still, staring in shock.

"Hydros, whatever is the meaning of this?" Kraden asked calmly. He would not get mad. It had just been an accident. Anyway, his powers could rebuild the cottage in a second so it didn't really matter. "Why have you brought Poseidon along?"

"Well, I heard you were looking for a special pet," Hydros replied, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. Poseidon let out a cry of rage and thrashed his tail about in anger. He would become nobody's pet! How dare they try to tame the King of the Sea and treat him like a mere animal? "I thought I would offer you Poseidon."

"Hydros." Kraden closed his eyes and kneaded his forehead with thumb and finger. He would hardly dare say it, but it sounded like Hydros was starting to succumb to senility. "A pet... what would you say a pet is exactly?"

"Well, something you keep and look after of course!" Hydros exclaimed. He patted Poseidon's tail. "Also, a faithful companion."

"Pets are usually animals, are they not?" Kraden asked, very patiently. "You wouldn't keep a human as a pet, would you?"

"I guess not..." Hydros said uncertainly, looking up into Poseidon's angry face. "But, he's a fish!"

"He's a merman!" Kraden slammed his hands on the table. "Poseidon is half human! Can't you see it? He may not talk, but he clearly has a will of his own and the top half of him certainly looks very human. The only thing about him that doesn't seem human is the fish tail!"

"So... you don't want him then?" Hydros looked crestfallen.

"Put him back in the sea right now," Kraden ordered. Hydros sighed and walked out, Poseidon bouncing along after him. "Crazy old king..." the sage muttered to himself.

Next up was Master Poi with the Chestbeaters. The three gorillas roared and beat on their chests.

"Three?" Kraden blinked, slightly surprised. "Well, I didn't expect someone to bring me so many. I would have been fine with just one pet."

"Well, you see, the three of them are siblings. They have been together since birth." Master Poi wrung his hands, looking slightly apologetic. "So they don't like to be separated. Also, they really, really enjoy eating bananas so you have to make sure they have plenty of bananas or else they will go berserk."

"Well, since bananas don't rain from the sky, it's rather difficult. They grow on trees and... there are no banana trees in Vale," Kraden said. "The demand for bananas isn't particularly high anyway."

"Can't you use your powers to make an infinite supply of bananas?" Master Poi asked hopefully.

"Then everyone in Vale will want bananas too," Kraden argued. "They will say it's unfair how I'm keeping the bananas for a bunch of animals and lose respect in me. Having my people look up to me is very important. I can't give special treatment to these gorillas. Anyway, three is a little too much. I only need one pet."

"I guess I see your point," Master Poi said. "Well, see you then, old man."

"Don't call me an old man!" Kraden complained as Master Poi and the Chestbeaters walked out of the house. "Sheesh..."

The next person to enter was Kaja, pulling a large tank of water behind him. A giant pink creature was splashing about in the tank, making strange noises and looking quite happy for a sea dwelling creature trapped in a tank.

"Well, this looks interesting," Kraden said, leaning over the table and squinting at the tentacled beast. "What do you call this?"

"This be the fine Kraken, the beast of the Karagol sea," Kaja explained, waving a hand at it. "Once, it attacked my captain's ship but Isaac and his friends defeated it. I've been keeping it ever since, but I would like to offer it to you. The Kraken is actually quite calm at times and has a great temperament. It doesn't do anything nasty with its tentacles, so you won't have to worry about that."

"Wow... so... you said it was called the Kraken, right?" Kraden stared at it. "As in, it's spelled almost exactly like my name?"

"With a K instead of a D, yeah," Kaja said. "I guess that's a coincidence, huh?"

It was a sign. It had to be. Kraden gazed at the Kraken, his eyes going all starry. This beautiful sea creature was his destined companion! With a name almost exactly like his, it had to be! "I'll take it," he said immediately. "This Kraken shall be my pet and companion."

"Great!" Kaja grinned. "Remember, it likes to eat small fish and algae. Also, be sure to let it go in the water often so that it can keep itself hydrated. Do I get a reward?"

"Uh... sure... anything you want..." Kraden murmured, now standing next to the tank and staring some more at his new pet.

"Gloop." The Kraken put out a tentacle and Kraden reached out to pat it. At last, he had found his special pet, and he had the thing he was missing in life.

-

-RETURN-
-OF THE-
-DIVIDER-

-

"Isaac."

Isaac glanced up from his book to see Jenna standing over him. "Yo," he said, glancing back at the book. The storyline had just reached its exciting climax. He simply could not stop reading it now!

Jenna let out an impatient sigh and put a hand on her hip. After searching for Isaac for hours, she'd finally found him hiding behind a tree and his face was even buried in a book. He wasn't even looking at her. Well, she would distract him somehow. "You know, Isaac, Sheba once teased me a long time ago."

Isaac didn't say anything. He didn't care that Sheba had teased Jenna before.

"She thought you and I were an item," Jenna said, tapping her chin with a finger thoughtfully. "Do you know what that means, Isaac?"

Isaac let out a sigh and buried his face even deeper into the book. So what if Sheba liked to think people were an item? He had to keep reading!

"A fourteen year old girl who lived a sheltered life in Lalivero couldn't know much about love either. She'd never seen us before either at that time. So, do you know where I'm going?" Jenna ranted. "Because someone like that thought we were a couple, we have to be one! Right?"

Isaac glanced up at her, frowning. "What the heck are you on?"

"You know exactly what I mean," Jenna said, clenching a fist. "Because Sheba thought we were a couple, we have to get together right now."

"Jenna, has it occurred to you that just maybe, she was guessing or even simply trying to tease you?" Isaac rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to date you because somebody thought it would be fun to play guessing games." He promptly went back to reading his book.

"You suck!" Jenna yelled, setting fire to his book and stomping away. Isaac looked at the burning ashes of his book in horror.

"My... book..." Isaac whimpered. He threw his head back and screamed. "Nooooooooo!"

Mia was having trouble of her own. She'd been searching for Garet for ages and finally found him in one of Vale's cafés, munching his way through a ten foot long sub. He didn't seem to be so keen on looking away from it either as he happily chomped on it.

"Hey, Garet." Mia sat down next to him. "Do you remember when the journey ended and we were all celebrating?"

Garet mumbled something through his mouthful of food, nodding his head.

"Well, we were looking at each other, right?" Mia chewed her lower lip. "Don't you think that maybe that meant something?"

"Ivan and Kraden were looking at each other too," Garet pointed out once he'd swallowed. "Do you think that means something?"

Mia narrowed her eyes, suddenly feeling slightly irritated. Had that really been necessary? Garet could be so rude sometimes. He had even taken another mouthful already.

"Well, I just thought..." Mia pursed her lips in annoyance. "That, well, we were even kind of holding each other as well and-"

"So were Piers and Sheba," Garet said, between mouthfuls. "And if either of those pairs meant anything, Piers and Kraden would be pedophiles. Gross." He promptly resumed eating.

"But, come on, Garet!" Mia cried out, her temper rising. "We were looking at each other, engaging in bodily contact at the same time!"

"Felix and Jenna were doing that too," Garet said absentmindedly, not noticing Mia grow angry. "If that meant anything, it would be incest, you know."

Mia snapped. She got off the chair, lifted it and then smashed it over Garet's head. Garet slumped over the table unconscious.

"Moron," Mia hissed, swiping his sub and walking off. She handed it over to a random starving dog as she stomped away, silently swearing never to speak to that idiot again.

Sheba had managed to find Felix, who was gazing at the sky from the top of a small hill, an angsty expression on his face. He wasn't particularly busy, but didn't seem to notice Sheba either.

"Felix, we should talk," Sheba said, sitting next to him.

"The clouds... there are so many..." Felix whispered.

Sheba sighed. Apparently he was more interested in the clouds than her. "Uh, you know how you jumped off a lighthouse for me?"

"Such interesting clouds..." Felix said quietly, watching them move across the sky. They were much more interesting than the person speaking to him right now.

Sheba hesitated, a light blush creeping across her face. "You did that because you were in love with me, right?"

Felix promptly spluttered in shock and ended up rolling down the hill somehow, shouting in pain and screaming obscenities on the way. Sheba silently got up and walked down to where he lay in a bruised heap, cursing the hills for eternity.

"Well?" Sheba asked. "You love me, right? That's why you jumped off the lighthouse to save my life!"

Felix stared at her, and stared some more, unable to speak in his utter shock. Finally, he found the right words, but not necessarily the words that would make her happy. "Has it occurred to you that I don't have to like people romantically to not want them to die?"

Definitely the wrong words. Sheba hit him with Spark Plasma, then ran away crying, leaving him feeling very, very confused. Felix then shrugged and went back to staring at the sky.

Later on, Jenna, Mia and Sheba all sat together somewhere, eating ice cream for comfort.

"Men are such jerks," Jenna said.

"I agree," Mia replied.

"Who needs them? I've got ice cream," Sheba said bitterly, biting into another scoop.

"Isaac's cute though," Jenna sighed.

"Garet's kind of cool when he isn't being an ass," Mia moaned.

"And Felix is so hot!" Sheba wailed.

"Maybe we went about things the wrong way," Jenna guessed. "I shouldn't have gone on about Sheba like that as if she should be the sole reason for us having a relationship."

"I didn't think there was anything wrong with my way," Mia complained. "Garet was just being really stupid."

"I was probably too direct," Sheba muttered. "I guess I also got the wrong idea from him saving my life."

At the same time, Isaac, Garet and Felix were also sitting together and lamenting.

"Since when does Sheba decide who goes together?" Isaac hugged his new copy of the book protectively. "I'm not letting a fourteen year old girl dictate my life. If I want to be with Jenna, it won't be because of Sheba."

"I was being a bit unfair," Garet mumbled through a mouthful of his new sub. "But I was busy eating at the time and I didn't feel like having a serious talk. That chair really hurt. Mia sure is scary. Now that I think about it, it makes sense kinda. I should be more careful next time."

"You're just an idiot," Felix said to Garet. "What was saying all that crap supposed to prove?"

"I just wanted her to leave me in peace to eat!" Garet whimpered, eating furiously. "I thought it would make her leave, not hit me unconscious with a chair and steal my sandwich."

"Girls are so unpredictable," Isaac said, gazing at his book and wondering what page number he had been on last.

"I was probably too blunt myself earlier," Felix said, thinking of Sheba. "But did she have to hit me with Spark Plasma? Of course I'm not in love with her. All I did was save her life. What was I supposed to do, let her drown?"

"Eh, she'll get over it," Isaac mumbled, opening the book. "She's just a naive girl anyway."

"Mmm..." Garet didn't feel like speaking anymore, he would rather keep eating and not talking.

"Hey... that cloud looks like a fish..." Felix commented, staring up at the sky again.