(Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, of course. Takes place before HBP, but contains some spoilers. Do NOT read unless finished with HBP. A one shot, short and simple.)

…

When Everything Falls

Nymphadora Tonks sat at the Weasley’s table, quite thankfully alone due to Molly’s need to bustle about in the garden and pretend to do manual labor. Why she even bothered was beyond Tonks, of course. With a wave of her wand she could have everything done within fifteen minutes. Hedges trimmed, turnips picked, gnomes shooed away…

But then again, Tonks was not in the mood to understand even the slightest of things. She had suffered heavily from her cousin’s death, despite the fact they hadn’t known one another to the point of being called ‘friends.’

But it was Tonks’ fault that he had died.

At least, that was what she told herself.

She glanced down at her thin fingers, splayed across the woodwork of the table like pale limbs branching from the larger tree. It was a stupid analogy, Tonks thought to herself as she chipped away the purple nail polish on her fingers. A stupid analogy from a stupid girl with a stupid crush.

And there was yet another thing Tonks was suffering with. That damnable man who walked as if he had but one purpose in life. To fulfill tasks the Order gave him. To run haphazardly, and without a thought, into the lion’s den – or, rather, the werewolf’s den.

She was still waiting for him to come in to tell her. Oh, he thought she didn’t know. The problem was, after Molly heard the news, Tonks was the first person she went to. Tonks. Not her husband, not Dumbledore to argue, not Harry to prepare him for the news. Tonks.

‘Prolly worried I would go crazy and throw something horrible, Tonks thought miserablywith a wry smile. Her slim fingers curled around the mug of firewhiskey (Molly had scolded her heavily for drinking such amounts so early in the morning, but not interfered), but she didn’t drink. She would save the drinking for after she spoke to Remus.

She didn’t have to wait long. She heard a knock on the door, the voice from behind it sounding weary. “Molly, it’s Remus. If you really think its necessary, ask me the question.”

Tonks rolled her eyes, standing and heading for the door. She carefully made sure that there was no object she could potentially trip over so she might be smooth and calm while listening to Remus voice his condemnation.

She opened the door to be met with slightly shocked, pale brown –nearly amber- eyes. Under them, there were gray rings. Sleepless nights. Tonks knew she had identical marks under hers.

“Oh, Nymphadora-”

Tonks stood aside, letting him through the door. She was suddenly so conscious of her pale face, her mousy hair, her insipid eyes… She swallowed, making her mouth open to cut him off. “It’s Tonks, Remus. I’ve told ya that before.”

Remus didn’t even look put out. His weariness seemed too great and he sank down at the table of the Burrow. He glanced into Tonks’ cup before raising an eyebrow at her. “Aren’t you a bit too young to have such a fondness of alcohol?” he teased lightly, but the humor didn’t reach his expression. His eyes were sad, a little lost, but determined.

Tonks shrugged, sitting across from Remus, her gaze locking onto his. She wanted to look away, but she refused. “What is it, Remus? Why are you looking at me like that?” Of course, she already knew what it was… but for some reason it didn’t seem real. It wouldn’t seem real until he told her.

Remus glanced down at the table, seeming unnerved by her quiet mood. She used to be so full of life, so perky and rambunctious. And she was sweet, a real angel; a side that Remus suspected only he had seen. After Sirius’ death, he had gone to comfort her… but it seemed she ended up being the one who did the most comforting. She had sat with Remus and listened with a sad smile at his recollections of fonder times.

Remus’ lips quirked slightly with that thought, but the smile was still cheerless. Finally, he murmured, “Dumbledore has a new mission for me. I am to go underground with-”

“No!” Tonks shouted, surprising Remus thoroughly. He though he’d heard Molly drop something in the room over. Obviously, Tonks’ response had been equally unnerving for Molly.

Remus turned startled eyes onto Tonks, who he was shocked to find had tears swimming in her eyes. She was shaking her head bitterly. “You cannot go through with this. Tell Dumbledore to find someone else! Not you –I’ll go! I’m an Auror, I can take care of meself-”

“Not against werewolves, Nymphadora…” Remus was again amazed to find she hadn’t reprimanded him for using her first name. “I am the only one who can go without being killed on sight. Nympha-”

Tonks was on her feet and marching toward the winding stairwell. There was a sound of scurrying feet in the next room –Molly, of course.

“Nymphadora, wait,” Remus called, also getting to his feet. He was right behind her when she made it to the steps, where he knew, with a second too late, what was about to happen. Her robes, which had been hanging loose and flapping about madly, caught on the banister, snagging, and forcing her to stumble backward –straight into Remus.

Prepared, he managed to grab her shoulders, her fall being cushioned by his chest. “Nymphadora, Tonks, what-”

She turned on him, her face a mask of rage. Tears, coursing down her pale face, were the only things that ruined the effect. “I can’t believe you’d do this to me,” she yelped, eyes wide.

Remus blinked comically, only then realizing that he was still holding her to his chest. He hastily began to pull his hands away but she grabbed them in her own small, soft fingers. “Damnit, Remus, what is it about me that you hate?”

He wanted to goggle at her, to look confused so he could have some extra time to think, but he knew full and well what she meant. Molly had told him a few days ago. And that is why he wanted to tell Tonks himself; so maybe he could dispel this affection she had toward him. So maybe he could dispel the affection he had toward her.

“I don’t hate you, Tonks,” he whispered softly. Gently taking his hands from hers, he stepped back two paces. He needed some space. As it was, he was still forced to witness those big eyes shedding tears that he did not want to see. Tears that hurt him more than any curse or jinx could.

“Then why do this to me!” It came out childishly like a whine, and even Tonks seemed to realize it. She took a deep gulp of air, trying to calm herself down to relatively hysterical, not frenzied. “Remus,” she murmured softly, eyes closing. More tears squeezed from her eyes, slipping across her watery cheeks. “Remus, I love you.”

Remus closed his eyes as well. And there it was. The admittance that he had selfishly prayed would never come.

How would he respond? How could he respond? There was such a high chance that he would die within the next long months belowground. There was such a high chance that he wasn’t really in love with her. He felt something, yes, but he hadn’t loved in a long time. How did he know if this wasn’t just lust? She was lovely in her ever-changing way; her actions were so charismatic and unyieldingly adorable, no one could deny that; her clumsiness made her seem so human, yet her ability to read into things made her difficult at times…

“Remus? I said I-”

“I know,” Remus whispered, the sound coming out more as a hiss. He couldn’t hear it again. Not again. It was much too painful; too painful to hear the words that he knew he could never say. Even if he felt it, even if he knew it was really love. He could never act on it.

There was a pained silence. Remus opened his eyes to see Tonks looking at the floor, a flop of lank hair hiding her eyes from view. Remus opened his mouth, painfully forcing out the words he had to say. “Nymphadora, it would never work. I am poor and you need to be supported; I am old and you are so young, much too young for me; you need someone who can be with you all of the time and I… I cannot. I am dangerous, Nymphadora. And if I ever hurt you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“You’re being stupid,” Tonks yelled, flinging herself forward and grabbing onto the shabby robes he wore. “Damnit, you’re being so stupid! I don’t give a damn about money or age, or, or…” She seemed so panicked that she couldn’t even speak. Instead she threw her arms around Remus’ neck, sobbing into his shoulder, “Don’t go on this assignment. Please.”

Remus was torn. Part of him wanted to hold her close and try to comfort her with word, but the other insisted that he push her away. He did both, as it turned out. His hands hesitantly rose to brush the lank hair out of her face, and he whispered softly, “Nymphadora, look at me.” Once she complied, her watery eyes rising to his, he continued unwavering, “You must be strong. We are all doing our part to insure the survival of the Order. I have to do this –for myself and for the Order.” And for you, he mentally added. So that you might realize I am not right for you…

Tonks pulled away, gulping like a beached fish, her face blotchy with tears. “Fine,” she whispered, the words harsh. “Fine, go do what you think you have to. But I will not give up on you so easily, Remus Lupin! I will not give up on you!”

Remus closed his eyes and, painfully, turned away. It took all of his willpower to walk to the door and open it instead of pulling Tonks into a strong embrace. He was doing the right thing, or so he kept telling himself.

But there was still an edge of uncertainty as Remus made it to the Weasley gate. With one final glance at the house, he Apparated out of sight.

Author’s Note:

Le Fin… that’s right, this is then end of it. It was a simple one-shot, something to get me past my writer’s block… but I thought I might share it with other RL/NT shippers out there. Leave some lovely reviews.

Love love,

Eternity