Without You
by: zulka
Chapter 22: I Want You To Know

And here I go
Letting go
Just to never let you go
I'm so scared to feel so safe

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
-William Tell 'Just for You'

Twirl without me please. It's the only way I'll see you dance.

He owed it to the vulnerability of Hanae, to the postponements, to her fragile hope. To her wavering doubtful faith that refused to die.

Hiromi's hand was warm.

His eyes were dry.

His heart was dry. He remembered crying at the beginning. Remembers that small part of his healing heart breaking again to pieces that were so small he couldn't pick them all up.

"Visiting hours are over, you know that right?" Yamaki remembers red petals on the floor and lost children. He remembers blood and Hanae's tears. He remembers the annoyed expression from Dr. Silver and Tai's anger. But what he remembers the most are this boy's haunted eyes. To steal this moment from him would be like stealing the very air he breathed.

He turned away. Turning a blind eye on what was happening.

Kai heard the click of the door as it closed. Heard his own heartbeat and hers. He felt her warm hand on his. His hands were cold though. Cold like morning dew drops. His breath was almost none as he rested his head right next to hers. Inhaling deeply he took in the antiseptic smell, the crispness of the sheets and that smell that new things have. He didn't know how Hiromi smelled. He couldn't remember. But at the moment she smelled of antibacterial soap. He figured that at one point she could have smelled like roses. Or maybe like that fresh rain scent. Perhaps she smelled of rosemary and pepper. But right now he didn't know.

He exhaled softly, as if it were his last. It was a cold, shaking, withering breath. His chest rose and fell evenly. His eyes, remained fixed on the paleness of her face and his hand brushing against hers.

Breathe in…breathe out…breath in…and out…

He felt everything drain and crash on him. Felt the worries, the fears and most of all the guilt come back and crash against him. But Hiromi was warm. He lifted his hand to brush it against her cheek, like air. He lightly touched that mop of slowly growing brown hair. Felt it rough against his fingers. His hand once more returned to her face and he lightly traced her jaw line. His fingers stopped on her lips. They were chapped and dry, purple-ish. He lifted his head and watched her face. He traced the contour of her lips with his fingertips. Lightly, nimbly. Like drizzle.

"Who said I meant that type of love?"

He rested his head next to hers once more.

"Hiromi…" His voice was soft and vanishing like a shooting star.

His arm went around her waist in an awkward hug. Tender, unsure, painful.

His breath was more than hers. Hers was none. His was all. She looked so fragile. Like a broken doll. But he couldn't put her back together. His eyes felt dry, heavy. His fingers stroked her arm, while his unsteady gaze stared at fading memories with blurred faces.

We are not together here…

There had been a time when he and Love had gotten along. He didn't know what had changed. His fingers continued to stroke Hiromi's arm as he continued to gaze into nothingness. Red petals were scattered on the floor. Red blood flowing from cuts and broken bones. He leaned closer to her inhaling that antiseptic sent again.

He wanted to say something but his words dried in his throat as he swallowed back a sob. He didn't need to cry. He didn't want to cry. There were just too many pieces that were scattered. Pieces he couldn't pick up. He closed his eyes as he thought of that crispness and newness that lingered with death in the room. Hiromi was warm. His fingers interlaced with hers, except his were the only ones that grasped her bony fingers, soft and lukewarm.

He blinked once, twice. He sighed one last time before finally closing his eyes. His breathing was even. Soft and gentle. Fragile like the girl next to him.

If only his warmth could reach her…

"Kai come take a break!"

"No. Not yet."

"We never had any doubt Kai!"

You did doubt, he wanted to say. Or maybe he did say. He wasn't sure. All he felt was warmth. He felt the sun shining beneath his eyelids but he didn't want to open his eyes. He was warm…

"Kai…"

He felt his fingers interlace with another hand. The fingertips of that hand massaged his knuckles. Grazing ghostly over and it made him shiver.

"Hey Kai,"

He inhaled deeply, the smell of fresh after rain earth. But he refused to open his eyes.

"You're right. I did doubt at one point. Which shows you how much I still need to learn. There's so much I want to know about you and the others. There are so many things in Beyblade that I still don't understand. Things that I want to understand. Won't you wake up?"

He wanted to say no. But he couldn't move his mouth. He felt sluggish and tired. He wanted to move his hand but he was so tired. His body didn't want to obey his brain.

"Hey Kai…Hmm…you need to open your eyes."

He could hear a smile behind those words and he found it strange how one could hear someone smile. His hand twitched. It was the best he could do. She laughed then and she squeezed his hand in return.

"It's okay I guess. I know how you feel. Except it's my body that doesn't want to obey my spirit."

He felt a tug on his hand then, slight pull, and it was enveloped by two hands then, instead of just one.

"Come on Kai, we don't have much time."

His eyes didn't snap open. He thought they did, but they didn't. Instead his eyelids rose like curtains. Slowly. But this wasn't a play. He knew that the moment his hazy eyes meet auburn ones. In that moment he realized that it was the first time he actually looked into her eyes, enough to discover what color they were.

She was smiling a soft lazy smile. It made him feel displaced. They were side by side; she was grasping his hand in both of hers. And it was still oh so warm.

"Hey Kai." He wanted to close his eyes again. He wanted to sleep in that warmth, with her hands holding his. He didn't speak. His mouth wouldn't move.

"Dranzer is worried. But I'm telling her that she shouldn't be. That you're much stronger." She laughed at him then because of his expression. He stared at her for a moment before looking towards the sky.

"Why don't you wake up?" his question was a whisper. Frail, light, with so much emotion it made her want to cry. But she couldn't.

"Oh Kai, I would wake up right now but I really can't."

"Why?" His whisper was harsh as he sat up and faced her. His eyes were fierce and she looked away.

"It's not that easy."

He was angry now. But her head bowed and her eyes were so distant and despondent he felt everything leave him.

"Please." His voice was loud this time and it shocked her slightly.

"You can give me a million reasons and—"

"For me." He was desperate, she could tell and she only shook her head in sadness.

He was breaking again. Breakbreakbreak. She knew and so she did the only thing she could do for him. She gave him what only she could offer. Comfort. She took him into her arms and let him rest in her arms. His head in the crook of her neck. He sighed.

"I would never blame you for what happened. You know that. I love you and everyone else so much. I would come back if I could." His arms wrapped around her waist. She was warm.

"Stop breaking people's hearts Kai. Everyone is worried about you. Don't make me worry about you too." He was silent. Inhale in…out…in…out…

Just Breathe

He could stay like this forever. It was calm, warm.

"Sometimes we need to be vulnerable and it's completely okay." She whispered to him as she ran her fingers through his hair.

At that moment he realized she smelled of sandalwood not roses or rain.

"And what are others opinions when you have me right here?" He moved to look at her and look into her eyes. Her hands cupped his face. "What are other's thoughts and how much do they matter when I'm telling you myself that I love you and that I don't blame you? Throw away the guilt that you hold here." Her hand had moved to his heart. "Along with the bitterness you have carried all these years."

He rested his forehead against hers. "I—I don't know…how…I'm lost…"

She smiled as she pulled away and looked at him. "You can start by forgiving yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault. It was out of your control."

He stared at her for a moment. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to make sure she wouldn't disappear from him. He lifted his hand hesitantly and cupped her cheek. She was warm. She was real.

"I could have stopped him. If I hadn't toyed with him, if I had ended the match sooner."

"And what then? He might have attacked just the same in anger for losing. It would have been the same result, maybe even more people would have gotten hurt. There is no saying what could have happened. There is no 'I should have' or 'I could have.' Not even 'What if'. They don't exist." Her hand was covering his. She moved his hand to her lips and gave it a soft kiss. Kai felt his skin tingle.

"Come, walk with me." She whispered as she stood up slowly, pulling him along. He let himself be led by her. He looked at his surroundings for the first time. They were on a hill. At the bottom there were trees and as they got closer to those trees he realize there was a cliff. It was the ocean.

"It's beautiful isn't it?"

He nodded slightly.

"Have you ever enjoyed anything Kai? I know you like clouds and nature. You're often taking naps near trees with a blade of grass in your mouth. I've seen you." He saw her smile.

"You noticed?" he was a bit shocked she noticed such a thing. He knew next to nothing about her. What did she like?

"Of course." She beamed at him as they came to the edge of the cliff. "The waves splash here and when the tide comes in, you can get wet if you stand too close."

"You're often here?" he asked motioning with his hand.

"I live here for the moment. Don't regret your question." She lifted his chin, he hadn't been aware he had looked down.

He stared at her, at her auburn colored eyes with orange freckles, to her face which was oval shaped, to her thick black eye lashes, high cheekbones, pointed nose and pale lips. His fingers moved over her cheek, to her eyes which fluttered closed as he touched them.

"I'm forgiven?" he whispered softly as he let his hand fall.

"Always."

"I still feel…awful." He whispered as he crushed her to him.

"I can't heal you. As much as I would love to I can't. I can only offer you this small comfort." She was looking up at him. She seemed so fragile to him and he held her with care.

"You have to figure things out for yourself and allow yourself to be what you have evaded for so long. You need to be vulnerable and it's completely okay. It's being human." She stood on her tiptoes and leaned in to give him a small kiss on his cheek. "You're going to be just fine." And she smiled.

He sighed. He buried his head in the crook of her neck once more. He inhaled deeply and she felt him smile into her. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. In that embrace she lowered them to the ground.

"Sleep Kai."

He's breathing was growing even and she felt him whisper rather than heard. "Thank you."

Look for me at dawn,
When the earth is asleep,
Till each dew drop is kissed by the day,
'Neath the rowan and alder a vigil I'll keep,
Every moment that you are away.
-Redwall 'Rose of Noonvale'

tbc…

Note: I have been waiting so long to write this! The only KaiHil moment where they both interact with each other, I liked how it turned out. And you? Well the story is not over. There are a few more chapters left. Thanks for sticking with me! And how was this possible? Well hiromi hints to it when she tells Kai that Dranzer was worried about him.

To wolf's lament, yes I will post the OC's and their connections to Hiromi. It shall be in the next chapter.

As for the song lyrics at the bottom, it is from Redwall: Martin the Warrior's last episode. Ahh, it was so sad! Tragic!

-zulka