Disclaimer: Don’t own FmA, don’t own Meet the Parents, either. Love that movie!

Pairings: Roy x Ed

A/N: Okay, this came to me when I was watching Meet the Parents for the second time, and I was being FmA obsessive at the time, thinking of Ed and Roy…and Rose…but she doesn’t count, seeing as she’s not part of the story or the pairings…

I don’t think they have television over in Amestris, but they do in my fic! Why? Cause it fits!

x.

Milk

x.

Ed sat in a lazy position on the side of Roy Mustang’s two-person couch, in the Colonel’s house. Why was he in this mother-fucker’s house? He didn’t know; one minute he was in the office, the next he was in a car, the next he was sitting here, watching the stupidest movie ever. Roy, on the other hand, thought it was the greatest. However, he faintly remembered the conversation that strung together all of this back at the office…

“You want to see a movie?” he asked, the usual smug smirk on him. Oh, Ed could picture it well…before it would be smushed by his fist! MWAHAHAHA! “I guarantee it’ll be the best you’ve ever seen.”

Ed snorted at that. How could any movie suggested by the Colonel be better than milk? Ah yes, that would be the day. The day that one of Roy’s movies would top milk, his most loathed drink. He still felt that way even now, as he watched the movie that slowly gave him incredibly bad thoughts that included him and the man sitting next to him...

‘Now I know why Hawkeye didn’t come along…’ he thought degradedly. ‘…AND why Havoc wanted to pay me to come in my place…’

Looking at the movie, he had time to catch one of the most disgusting quotes ever (A/N: I thought that was one of the funniest!):

“I had no idea you could…milk a cat…” said some old guy, probably Pam’s father…or whatever her name was…

“Oh, you can milk anything with nipples,” replied that Falker guy, Greg or whatever.

There was a pause. Then, the old geezer said, rather amusingly, “I have nipples; could you milk me?”

At that, Roy laughed amusingly. Ed stared in disbelief. If milk that came from a cow tasted like vomit, then milk from a human would probably taste like garbage mixed with vomit, mixed with whatever that stuff Mustang put in his hair is! Even though, secretly, Ed thought it actually smelled nice…

Ed turned and gave Roy the most hateful glare he could muster, which sadly, was more pathetic than his usual glare. “And WHY, might I ask, are we watching this?” he asked grudgingly.

Roy stifled his laughter and replied, “What, you aren’t enjoying it?”

“No. I’m not.”

“Then get used to it, we’ve got at least another forty-five minutes to kill.”

Ed groaned, and leaned back against the couch, letting his mind wander as he stared at the screen. Right now, Greg was walking back into the kitchen, and mutter in a mocking tone, “‘I have nipples, could you milk me?’” Once again, Ed grimaced at that quote, as Roy began laughing again.

Roy turned. “What’s wrong, Fullmetal?” When Ed didn’t respond, he added, “Cat got your tongue? Or maybe it’s your nipples…” As Ed turned scarlet, Roy roared with laughter.

“Sh-SHUT UP!” he bellowed back, earning a smirk from Roy. Involuntarily, certain thoughts concerning the quote from the movie entered his head, and he turned an even deeper shade of red. “What do you know!”

“Oh, I know lots of things, some of which…” Roy trailed off, tossing his hand through the air, before staring rather seductively towards the alchemist. Ed turned towards the movie rather quickly, just in time to see an urn fall from the fireplace, and the family cat taking a dump on it…ewww…

“Are you sure this is appropriate for me to watch?” he asked dryly, hoping that would save him the torment of watching it.

Roy sweatdropped. “You’re 15, Fullmetal, and this movie is PG-13; I think you’ll live.” Again, he added that seductive smirk. “Unless you’d rather do something…more entertaining…”

Ed’s eyebrow rose. “I don’t like where this is - HEY!” he shouted as he was suddenly grabbed by Mustang, and dragged upstairs. “WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING?”

Roy turned around, smirking devilishly. “You say you hate milk, right?” Ed was reminded of the quote, those thoughts, and more perverted thoughts, and blushed. Nonetheless, he nodded. “How would you feel if I changed your opinion?” Without waiting for an answer, Roy opened the door to his bedroom, shoved Ed inside, kicked the door closed, and pushed Ed onto the bed, and straddled him, staring down at the confused, and shocked, teenager.

“Now…the fun begins…”

(A/N: You can just imagine what they did, God knows you can picture it more vividly than myself…)

x.

About two hours later, the two sat in bed, panting, covered in sweat, semen, and perhaps a few blotches of blood here and there. When Roy had first dragged him up, claiming to change his opinion on milk, this was something he had NOT been expecting…

Though exhausted, Ed lifted his head and looked around the room, where their clothes could be seen scattered all around. It was strange, really. His worst enemy had turned into his lover in a few, rather strangely-provoke, hours. Funny how things worked that way.

He started to turn his head towards the person next to him, only to be pinned down once more, and kissed hungrily. Edward returned it with equal hunger, as they fought for the other’s mouth. Using cunning trickery, Ed won (of course). Inwardly smirking, he began to explore around, tasting anything he could get his tongue on, earning moans from Roy. God, did he taste good…tasted like milk, but much, MUCH better…mmmmm….(‘Had this been what he meant about the milk thing?’ he thought)

Reluctantly, Ed needed to breath, as did Roy, so they broke the kiss, and went on to other pleasures. Easily flipping the exhausted Roy onto his back, Ed began to chew and suck on one of the man’s nipples, earning nice little moans from Roy. Ed inwardly smirked once more. Score two for Edward!

After another climax or so, the two were finally totally exhausted, and settled for lying on the bed in each other’s arms. Roy stared down at the younger alchemist with a smirk of triumph, as if he’d just won an award for some spectacular feat.

“I love you, Edward,” he said, holding the younger alchemist tighter.

“I love you two, you baka taisa,” Ed replied. Roy suddenly pulled away, earning whines of protest from Ed. Smirking that devilish smirk of his, he pinned Ed down on the bed, and leaned in so that their faces were inches apart, his black bangs barely brushing up against Ed’s forehead.

“So, what’s your opinion on milk, now?” he asked, a hint of taunting in his voice.

Ed feigned a look of pondering. “Hmm…well, the milk that comes from a cow tastes like crap, the milk that comes from a human tastes like crap…” At Roy’s skeptical look, he finally added, “However, milk that comes from a perverted colonel suits me just fine.”

Grabbing Roy around the neck, he pulled him down, ready to taste his lover down to the very last drop.

OWARI

x.

A/N: O.O Wow…I didn’t know I could write stuff like this…I don’t know if I should be happy or thoroughly disgusted……Ah, hell with it!

CHEER FOR MY FIRST LEMON-TYPE THINGY! Well, the first one with a slightly more detailed sex thing…yeah…

PLEASE REVIEW! IF YOU DO I’LL CREATE A SEQUEL WITH A MORE DETAILED LEMON!